Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Ok Here is the rest of the story so to speak on the Navy joke. As
you can probably guess I loved the Navy and have mostly good
memories. My whole life has been this way and when I
hit the bad times I rant a little and know that God and my friends
will see me through.
11. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of the bed and get dressed as fast as you
can, then run out into your front yard and sit in your car (battle
station).
b. General Quarters, actual and drills can happen anytime in peace
and war when the crew is required as a whole to handle a situation
be it a fire or attack. You have 5 minutes from alarm to get dressed
and make it to your station before all the hatches are dogged tight.
Absences are not appreciated.
12. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and
then put them back together.
b. Machinery maintenance is important to guarantee that it will work
when needed. Simple things like oil changes are done monthly and
inspections yearly and major overhauls every 5 years. Prevent
failures not repair
13. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, brew (cook) and allow it to sit
for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
b. What can I say, I like my coffee strong.
14. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and
visit for a couple of months.
b. You better learn to like them.. Your life may depend on it.
15. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.
b. Ah the amenities of a bunk. If the womb was so well equipped we
would never leave after only 9 months
16. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and
back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your
head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
b. People learn after a few concussions and abrasions to pick up
their feet and look up and down as they walk. At. 5'7" I never
banged my head much. People over 6'6" are not allowed on subs.
17. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the
top.
b.It is rough being the person on the high side of the cake and
great being on the low side. Navy chocolate cake with vanilla icing
is so moist and delicious. I have never had a lopsided cake and the
bakery was awesome. I pity the soldiers who have to eat out of a
plastic pouch although it is suitable for short camping trips.
18. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout
"Man Overboard, Ship Recovery!".
b. Scary situation. Picture yourself in the water after a fall from
up to sixty feet. You may be injured, unconscious, or drowning as
your ship
steams away. A deck watch sees you in the water and choppers and
rescue personnel are launched, ships boats are lowered and everyone
musters to find who is missing. As long as there is a glimmer of
hope they will search for you, days if necessary, along with the
other ships of your task force. In a drill you have twenty minutes
to muster and recover the dummy in the water or stand by for more
drills till you get
it right.
19. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the
counter, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for
sea".
b. Gear adrift is never tolerated, items that are not secured or put
away become missiles in high seas or a collision. Carriers are a
little
more lax as we don't rock as much side to side, more of an up and
down motion. We eat off china with glasses and white china cups. I
saw a 29 degree roll during a typhoon which wiped out all of the
plates in the aft galley. We ate off paper plates the rest of the
way home. It is not unusual for a destroyer to take 45 degree rolls
under the same conditions.
20. Put on headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular), "Stove
manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again, to
nobody in particular), "Stove secured". Roll up the cord and put the
headphones away.
b. Sound powered telephones which work on the same principal as the
two tin cans and a string are still used by the Navy because they
are unaffected by a loss of power during battle. There are dozens of
circuits manned by the watches that are connected to the bridge,
damage control, and flight control to name a few. Some are manned
24-7 and some just during general quarters, anchoring, getting
underway or other special operations.
Enjoy the Chips... buffalo
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
Boy: "Great, isn't it?"
Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
Boy: "And that is?"
Girl: "You have to put your hand in your own blouse."
~~~~~
The young woman approached the executive in front of his office and
said, "Please sir, give to take a wayward girl off the street."
"And how much do you suggest I give?" he asked.
"It depends," she smiled, "Entirely on how long you want to keep her
off of it."
~~~~~~~
I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you
wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little
fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's
sermon. What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Talkin Dirty
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Job Chips
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Two manufacturers requiring a private secretary called in a
psychologist.
After testing more than thirty applicants, the psychologist
eliminated all but three of them.In the final test, the first girl
was called in.
"How much is three and three the dome-prober asked.
"Six," she replied.
The second girl was asked the same question and replied, "It could
be thirty-three." The third one answered, "It could be six and it
could be thirty-three." When the girls left the room, the
psychologist turned proudly to the partners and said, "That's logic
for you.
You noted that the first girl had the obvious answer, the second
girl showed more imagination, and the third showed both practicality
and imagination.
Now which girl will you hire?" The partners moved over to the
opposite corner of the room, conferred briefly and then announced
their decision. "We'll take the busty blonde in the tight sweater."
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100 Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting
every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a
row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they
agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are
lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True
to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one
without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes:
49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85....
but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still
satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99................ and
before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't
understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"
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Fifty Cent Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a trip to the USA, a wealthy Arab fell in love with Susan. He
begged her to marry him, but she refused, saying that she had no
intention of leaving America to live in a desert.
Immediately, the Arab bought several grand homes across the USA,
from New England to California, and he took Susan on a tour of the
homes, flying her from place to place in his private jet.
Susan was impressed, and she agreed to marry him.
Six weeks later, in tears, she phoned her father and asked him to
take her back home.
"Whatever for?" asked her father.
"I've married a pervert," she cried.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said. "Just come and take me
home."
So her father drove to her New England home. Arriving there, richly
ornate gold gates opened electronically, and he drove along a wide,
straight drive lined with oaks and maples. And at the end of the
mile-long drive was a building so grand that it made the White House
look like a dog kennel.
He climbed the solid marble steps to huge doors, at least twelve
feet tall, and there he met his daughter, waiting for him with her
two bags packed and ready to go.
"Oh, father," she cried. "Take me away from here at once. I cannot
bear to stay a moment longer."
Her father could not believe that she should want to leave such
splendor.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asked.
"The man is a pervert!" she exclaimed.
He asked his daughter to explain this perversion that was upsetting
her so.
"When I married him," she sobbed, my ass-hole was as tight as a
penny piece, and now, it's as big as a half dollar."
"Nay," said her father. "Surely you're not go to leave all this for
the sake of forty-nine cents!"
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a whorehouse and asks the lady at the desk for a woman
with a fantastic tan with no tan lines. The lady at the desk says,
"That will be $500.00." So the man gives her the money and she tells
him to go up stairs and knock on the third door on left. A voice
tells him to come in. He does. She said, "Take your clothes off."
He said, "I paid $500, so I want you to take your clothes off and
lay on the bed and spread your legs for me." She does. He says
"Thank you," and starts to leave. She said, "Is that all you
wanted?" He said, "Yes my wife is painting the house brown with pink
shutters and I wanted to see what it would look like."
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes. "I was jailed for
coming to work late," mourned the first. "They said I was trying to
upset the productivity quota." "Me, I came to work early." said the
second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy." "And I am
here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They
said that proved I had an American watch."
I carried my date, slung over my shoulder, into my parent's house.
She was passed out. "Liquor?" asked my dad.
"Nope, but banged her four times." I replied.
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Virgin Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and
he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention
that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our
fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one
virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In
order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young
lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is
necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are
truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing
a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the
Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the
rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young
woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you
expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young gypsy girl Rose
With obsessions for gentlemens' hose.
Up her pussy, her rear,
In her mouth and each ear
And her cute little freckle-tipped nose.
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he
hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to
find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse,
puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come." The
soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is
confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you
know buffalo come?" and the Indian replies, "ear sticky".
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1788
Decision Time
BJ: Gather around guys.
The dogs come and gather around.
BJ: We have some serious decisions to make. Mom's back is not
getting any better. This house is three stories tall and it is
difficult for
her to walk the stairs. We need to get a house that is just one
level.
So I am trying to find a house with one level.
Rudy: That is cool.
BJ: Thing is I would find it pretty soon and move Diana there with
Val, Katie and Rudy and the cats. Sandi and I would stay here until
this house is sold and I retire next year. If the house sells,
before I
retire, Sandi would move in with you guys, then I would stay with a
friend until I retire.
Katie: Whoa! I don't like that.
BJ: I would come and visit you guys every other weekend and Diana
would bring you guys and stay with me for a week once a month.
So only one weekend a month would we not see each other.
Rudy: Where are we moving to?
BJ: I do not know, probably Kansas. It is further North and will
be
cooler. It will be in town not like the country we are in now.
Sandi: Boo!
Diana: We will fence in all our property and make certain you have
plenty of room to run.
Val: This is scary to me.
BJ: To us to.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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