Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From the Archives
Spring is here, the grass is growing, the animals are back in the
pasture and thoughts turn to the redneck sport of Cow Tipping
Cow tipping: the udder truth
Arthur Black For the Parksville Qualicum Beach News(Black Press) -
There have been some classic urban legends in my time - the choking
Doberman, the cement-filled Cadillac, the exploding toilet, the
char- broiled scuba diver found in the ashes of a forest fire - but
none have been quite as hardy or long- lived as the cow tipping
urban legend.
More of a rural legend, actually, but as robust a yarn as any city
slicker ever dreamed up. Urban - and rural - legends all share three
characteristics.
Number one: they stretch the bounds of credulity completely out of
shape. Number two: they are spectacularly funny and/or horrific.
Number three: the teller of the legend always vouches for its
veracity - but second hand. It happened to their cousin, or their
landlord or the best friend of their good buddy down at the plant.
Oh, and one other thing they share: urban/rural legends are
invariably bogus. Never happened, anywhere, anytime. This, despite
the eagerness of believers to swear on a stack of People magazines
that the stories are absolutely, 100 per cent, swear-to-God true.
So it has always been with cow tipping.
I first got wind of the alleged practice while having a beer with a
couple of alumni from the Ontario Agricultural College in Guelph,
Ontario many years ago. They assured me that certain college
colleagues of theirs (not themselves, you notice) occasionally got
tanked up at a tavern, then drove out in the country looking for a
little action.
When they spied a herd of unsuspecting Holsteins they would get out
of the car, crawl over the fence, tip toe up to the nearest sleeping
bovine, gather on one side of her, deftly flip the beast over and
run triumphantly back to the car.
There are a number of unlikely aspects to this story. For one thing,
Messrs Molson and Labatt could not supply enough beer to invest
tackling a cow on its side with any significant entertainment value.
Secondly, it would be darn hard to even locate a herd of cows deep
in the country in the middle of the night.Unless you used
flashlights, in which case you could expect a reception featuring
barking farm dogs, stampeding cattle and irate farmers toting
12-gauges loaded with rock salt.
And then there are the cows.
Contrary to popular belief, cows do not sleep standing up.They doze
but they don't sleep.
Also contrary to popular belief, cows are not always docile, placid
followers of Gandhi.I used to work in the Ontario Public Stockyards
and I still have scars on my legs where various Holsteins and
Herefords registered their displeasure with swift and vicious kicks.
And oh, yeah - cows are also ... heavy.
A decent-sized Holstein can easily tip the scales over the one-ton
mark.Imagine yourself and a couple of drunken buddies going up to a
full-size Buick and flipping it on its side.
Got that?
Now imagine it as a cowhide-covered, cranky full-size Buick with
four sharp hooves and a pair of horns. The pointy kind, not the
honky kind.
But don't take my word for it. Check out the work of Margo Lillie,
doctor of zoology at the University of British Columbia. She and
student Tracy Boechler actually produced a laboratory recreation of
a hypothetical cow tip.
They concluded that theoretically a cow 1.45 metres high, if pushed
at an angle of 23.4 degrees relative to ground level would require
2,910 Newtons of force in order to be displaced from the vertical to
the horizontal.
Translated into English, it would take five trained athletes in peak
physical condition to tip a cow under ideal conditions - i.e. having
said cow consume a bushel of Quaaludes washed down by a couple of
two-fours to render Bossie sufficiently catatonic not to realize or
react to what was happening to her.
"I have personally heard of people trying but failing," notes
Boechler, "because they are either using too few people or being too
loud."
"Most of these 'athletes'," adds Boechler unnecessarily, "are
intoxicated.
So. Reality check time.
Cow tipping: fact or fiction?
Could a gaggle of giggling tanked-up frat boys flip a cow on its
side?
Sure, it's possible.
Absolutely.
When pigs fly.
More on this subject tomorrow.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Repair Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife
interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's
been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it
look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think
so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have
Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the
front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he
says.
"Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I
don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to
feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home
and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are
already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he
goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey,
how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then
a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He
offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw
him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo..
forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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when your good your good
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Marbels
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arab Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mohammad entered his school classroom. "What is your name?" asked
the teacher.
"Mohammad," answered the boy.
Here in France, there is no Mohammad. "From now on your name will
be Jean-Francois,
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "The day went well
Mohammad?"
asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad. I am in France now and my name is Jean-
Francois.
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to disown your
parents???
Your heritage ??? Shame on you!" ...And she beat him.
Then she called the father and he beat him very hard.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked : "What happened my little Jean-
Francois?"
"Well, Madame, two hours after becoming French I was attacked by two
Arab terrorists."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Personals Chips
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to listen to political conspiracy theories
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Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.
SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance,
herb tea, New Age music, Silversmithing,
Communing with Gaian nature spirits,
and Jello sculpting.
Seeks aloof, analytic whimp.
SWM: 59, wide range of interests including:
Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica,
Power Rangers, and Sea Quest.
ISO compatible F
SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested
in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear.
And albino livestock breeding.
No weirdos please.
SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler
Wishes to meet woman of similar interests.
Must be ambidextrous.
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If you enjoy destroying good furniture,
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Visa Gold Card a must.
Private plane a plus.
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Senate Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sen. Arlen Specter switched political parties this week,
[R] to [D], when he realized he wouldn't be able to beat
his extremely conservative opponent in the next primary.
"Since my election in 1980 as part of the Reagan Big
Tent," Sen. Specter claims, "the Republican Party has
moved far to the right. Last year, more than 200,000
Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration
to become Democrats. I now find my political philosophy
more in line with Democrats than Republicans.
We take you now to several Republican standard-bearers
to get their reactions:
Olympia Snowe [R-ME], moderate U.S. Senator:
"We're fucked."
Lincoln Chafee [R-RI], former moderate U.S. Senator:
"Good luck, fuckers."
Ed Rogers, Republican Strategist:
"What the fuck?"
Newt Gingrich [R-GA], former U.S. Senator:
"It's really a good thing we're fucked."
Bill Kristol, Conservative Media Pundit:
"This is great fucking news.... for Republicans!
Michael Steele, RNC Chairman:
"Fuckitty fuck fuck."
Rush Limbaugh, De Facto Republican Leader:
"Well, fuck him and the horse he rode in on!"
Pat Toomey [R-PA], former opponent in PA [R] primary:
"Fuck. Just fuck."
Larry Craig [R-ID], former U.S. Senator:
"Fuck? Hey, meet me in the airport men's room!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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STD Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Overheard at the STD Clinic Yesterday
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD.
When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a
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"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota
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"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched
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"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of
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"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend
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"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other
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"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked
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"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
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"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I
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"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and
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"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been
calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.
"My pee smells like ham.
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LynnLynn's Links
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Melva/Together Again
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Down On The Farms
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Mother's Day Animated Images
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Men's Locker room
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Magic Finger Find The G Spot
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My new Philosophy
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My SS Check
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hoe Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A college coed finished her degree at a college
in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancée
had another semester to go to finish his degree
and then they planned to marry in the spring. So
the young woman decided to get a job until her
fiancée finished school, but the only job she
could find in the town was on a farm doing manual
labor.
Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and
ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other
words using a hoe. Then came the end of the
semester, and her fiancée graduated, so they
decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to
the courthouse and requested a marriage license.
The county clerk asked the usual questions like
name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be
answered everything and, of course, gave his
occupation as student as that was his most recent
occupation. The bride to be answered everything
until the clerk asked her occupation.
She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."
The clerk looked at her to be husband and then
her with a dumbfounded look on his face and then
she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
blame dog
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blanket repair
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blind
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blind asshole
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who peeped through a hole in a shutter,
But all he could see,
Was his wife's bare knee,
And the arse of the man who was up her.
I once met a girl called Miss Bish
Who had habits like tropical fish
She would fasten her lips
Close to ones hips
And swallow ones cum in small sips
There once was a clergyman's daughter,
Who detested the pony he bought her,
Till she found that his dong,
was as hard and as long,
As the prayers her father had tought her
She married a fellow named Tony,
Who soon caught her f***ing the pony,
He cried, "What's 'e got,
My dear, that I've not?!"
She sighed, "Just a yard long bologna."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lying down on the psychiatrist'
said to the doctor, "I wanted to see you because I think I am gay."
"Oh?" said the doctor. "And what makes you think that?"
"Well, my grandfather was gay, and so was my father."
"That doesn't mean you're gay," said the psychiatrist.
"We don't believe that homosexuality is hereditary."
"Maybe not, but my two brothers are also gay."
"Really?" said the doctor, intrigued. "That's right. And
so are my two uncles and my cousin Morris."
"That IS uncanny," said the psychiatrist, his interest
greatly piqued. "Tell me, isn't there anyone in your family
who has sex with women?"
"Yes, sir," the young man said. "My sister..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1779
Val and the Pack
Diana and BJ are on the Deck watching the dogs run together in the
backyard, tightly as a pack.
BJ: Val has fitted in quite well don't you think?
Diana: Yes, she starts off running with Rudy, then with Katie and
comes back with Sandi.
BJ: They all watch out for her.
Diana: Look at her she is carrying a stick.
BJ: Yes, she plays fetch. None of the other dogs do that. Kate
will
play fetch with her stuffed animals.
Diana: I overheard Katie and she is going to take Val into her dog
house this evening and show her the time machine and her inventions.
BJ: That will blow her away....
To be continued
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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