Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From the archives one of my discussions of life in the Navy
30 years ago when people lived on ships in port, there were no women
aboard, there were still urinals in the heads, and sailors didn't
wear camo uniforms.
From Mitzi I was not able to either affirm nor negate this article
on snopes but it makes a good read.
buffalo says Let me assure you that these items are true but only
from a negative point of view and I will add a few comments.
************
my nephew, a marine, sent this to me. He did NOT enjoy his months
aboard a ship.
How to Simulate Shipboard Life For Our Members Who Miss "The Good
Old Days"
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Three hours after you go to sleep, have your wife whip
open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble
"Sorry, wrong rack."
b. Your bunk or rack is a place to sleep and maybe read a book.
You eat on the mess decks, watch TV and play games in the lounge.
It is private, dark, air conditioned, and cozy and designed for one
occupant.
2. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your
bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping.
b. Water usage is a critical matter with cleaning, laundry,
cooking, and the operation of the ship sharing the eight gallons per
man produced daily by distilling plants. I found the showers to be
similar to those in college dorms just that you were only allowed 2
gallons of water to shower.
3. Every time there's a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking
chair and rock as hard as you can until you're nauseous.
b. Merchant ships rock, cruise ships rock, your bass boat rocks.
You adapt and it doesn't bother you after awhile. If you have
terrible motion sickness, the Navy is probably not the place for
you.
4. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to
"High".
b. Gross exaggeration. Leaks are fixed quickly and ventilation
changes the air in most spaces in a matter of minutes.
5. Don't watch TV except movies in the middle of the night. Also,
have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one.
b. In addition to TV lounges, many people have laptops and portable
DVD players and you can probably find tons of movies to watch. I
noticed on the Reagan they had Plasma screen TVs in the ready rooms,
this is a far cry from a screen set up in the hangar bay or
forecastle to watch a movie that had to be approved by the chaplain.
6. Leave lawnmower and/or chainsaw running in your living room
twenty-four hours a day for proper noise level.
b. They were remodeling our berthing compartment and we were given
temp living quarters on the 03 level directly under the arresting
gear during carrier qualifications. 50,000 pound plane catching the
wire at 150 mph will wake you up the first couple of times. A lack
of noise will wake you much faster.
7. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
b. Ship's servicemen operate the barber shop and there is a barber
school at Norfolk. There are still good and bad barbers just like
in the civilian world.
<http://www.navy.
8. Once a week blow compressed air up through the chimney, making
sure the wind carries soot across onto your neighbors house. Laugh
at him when he curses you.
b It is necessary to blow soot from the tubes on boiler powered
ships to improve efficiency and prevent stack fires. Nuclear and
gas turbine propelled craft have no need for it
9. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up
garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
b. Ships are cleaned and trash emptied daily. Compaction is only
done on plastics melting them into a gigantic Frisbee which is
stored onboard till the ship gets back to base. Glass and metal are
ground so they can sink and paper trash is made into a mulch which
is thrown overboard.
10. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread and a cup of green Kool-Aid.
b. Mid rats for the 0000-0400 watch vary between brunch and a
normal evening meal and all that are hungry are fed. Life onboard
ship is a
24/7/365 affair and people have to eat. Watches and work schedules
can be 6 on 6 off 12 on 12 off or 4 on and 8 off depending on number
of people qualified.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Military Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses
power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with
all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the
soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter.
They throw out a pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
"More!"
he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains
control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get
into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side
of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says
"A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy
who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A
rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They
meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask
him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The boy replies, "I farted and blew up my school!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Net Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they
really
can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive
information
considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but
most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too
much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in
something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very
complicated
system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did I
do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow
inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still,
many
of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others
believe it should be open to all comers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic
moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you."
With a deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you,"
came the higher-pitched reply.
What is the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration
is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time.
Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first
time.
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country
home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half
lived.
She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out
for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill
and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and
listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested
they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't
think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently
took her arm. "She loves it."
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the
other. "Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".
One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to
Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parrot Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady!
You're really fucking ugly."
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home
she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're
really fucking ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady! You're
really fucking ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the
store and said she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The
store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure
the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to her, "Hey lady!"
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Apple Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a grocery store to buy some apples. He looks
around and sees many different kinds for different prices....
1.47/kg....
1.97/kg.... 1.85/kg. Then he notices some for $50 per apple. He
calls the store clerk over......
MAN: Excuse me..... why are these apples so expensive?
CLERK: They're exotic, imported and taste like all different kinds
of fruit.
The man thinks about it.... decides to give it a try, pays the $50
bucks and takes a bite of the apple.
MAN: It tastes like an apple!!
CLERK: Turn it around.
The man turns it around and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like a peach!
CLERK: Turn it around.
The man does so and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like bananas!
CLERK: Turn it around.
Again the man does and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like strawberries! This is amazing!
The man glances around the store some more and notices another bunch
of apples for $80 each.
MAN: What's the story with those apples?
CLERK: Well.... they're exotic, imported and taste like pussy.
The man thinks this is an outrageous price for an apple but is too
curious to pass it up..... after all, the clerk told the truth
about the other apples. He pays the $80 bucks and takes a bite of
the apple.
MAN: Awe fuck! It tastes like shit!
CLERK: Turn it around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
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especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
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Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Home PC Firewall Guide
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MBSA
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Complaint Wire
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Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
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Baby Squirrel Finnegan
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Movie Links
IKEA Adverts
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I love the beach
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Indian teacher explaining the word fuck
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Jihadist Trainees
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Peanut Butter Jelly Time
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OK
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Oops
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Parent VS Kids
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Parking 1
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bored Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys were walking along a deserted beach and
bored t tears. The first guy says: "Hey, I have
an idea. Let's split up. You walk as far as you
can that way down the beach, and I'll walk as far
as I can the other way down the beach. We'll meet
here tomorrow and tell each other what we did.
The other gentleman agreed and each man began
walking in opposite directions down the beach.
The next day, they meet and the first guy says:
"So...Tell me about your day!"
The second guy smiled and said: "Oh, I had a
great one! I found a small little oasis with a
pond and some cool grass and spent the day
swimming and eating coconuts from a tree! What
happened to you?
His friend laughed and said: "You're never going
to believe it!! I walked about five miles up the
coast and came to these train tracks. I walked
down the tracks about a mile and found this girl
with the most incredible body I've ever seen tied
to the rails! I untied her and carried her to
some grass nearby and we spent all day and night
having the most incredible sex I've ever had!
This girl was amazing! We did everything
together!"
The other guy looked at his friend in amazement
and asked him..."Everything?
"Everything!
dick?"
"Well...no..
with a sigh..."I couldn't find her head!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor;
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a
raunchy porn featuring a lusty couple having sex. "I don't know
whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know
how to play Hockey!"
Patricia
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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