Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
buffalo says I'm sharing a few things from the archives right now
as life seems to be taking up a lot of my time lately. I wanted to
mention that I picked up a prescription from Walgreen's that was
9.99 for a 90 day supply. They also let you reorder your scripts
online which takes less time than having to read numbers or punch
buttons on the phone and then it tells you when your prescription
will be ready at the drive-thru. Walgreen's prescription plan costs
20.00 a year but it includes drugs not under Wal-mart's program.
A sea story from my Marine buddy Gerald,
The Navy used to require officers to foot their total moving
expenses out of pocket and file for reimbursement at their new duty
station and they might be reimbursed several months later. In
August of 1870, LCDR J. P. Fyffe had orders to be CO of a frigate
out of San Francisco. His current duty station was in New London,
Connecticut. He did not think it right that his moving expenses
should be out of pocket.
The following is what happened. LCDR Fyffe sent a message to the
Secretary of the Navy requesting that the Navy either lay out the
money or supply him with railroad tickets or transportation via
naval vessel.
The reply came from the Chief of Bureau of Navigation:
To: Lieutenant Commander J. P. Fyffe In reply to your letter of the
18th: Your request is contrary to Navy regulations. Carry out your
orders.
The orders also stated: While carrying out these orders, you will
keep the Bureau informed of your whereabouts. There was nothing
which stated when he was supposed to arrive in San Francisco or by
what means.
LCDR Fyffe donned his best uniform and strapped his sword to his
small travel kit. At sunrise on the 25th, he walked out of New
London and headed westward for San Francisco. By sundown he reached
East Haddam where he sent the following telegram to the Chief:
25 August - Compliance orders number 1998. LCDR Fyffe en route New
London to San Francisco on foot. This telegram to keep Bureau
informed my whereabouts. Made good 22 miles this date. Spending
evening in hayloft in Mount Parnassus. Very respectfully, Fyffe.
Every evening for the next few days he sent a telegram.
26 August - En route on foot. Made good 31 miles this date. By
gracious consent, Mayor of Bristol, am spending night Mayor's
stables. Have noticed he has hybrid mules specially bred for
tropics. Suggest Navy investigate.
27 August - En route on foot. Made good only 1 1/2 miles this date.
Rained all day. Staying overnight at Litchfield with my father's
friend, General Holmes. I find standard boot worn by naval officer
inadequate for prolonged walking. Suggest Surgeon General
investigate.
28 August - Spending night Lakeville. Lovely country. Expect to
buy home here as soon as I get reimbursed travel voucher submitted
by me to Navy three years ago. Tomorrow I enter New York State.
29 August - En route on foot. Make 28 miles this date despite badly
worn boots. People not familiar Navy uniforms this area. Great
crowd walked part way with me. I sang them sea chanties. Populace
thinks it a great sign of democracy for commanding officer of his
ship to walk 3000 miles to new station. Police Chief, Hudson, New
York has given me best cell in jail for overnight.
30 August - En route on foot. Arrived Albany. Request Recruiting
Officer be authorized issue me new shoes. Boots fell apart noon
today. Entered Albany barefooted. Will remain Seward Hotel two
days awaiting answer. Earning my keep as bartender. Local rum far
superior that served in Navy. Am sending sample. Very respectfully,
Fyffe.
31 August - Fyffe received the following message:
I strike my colors. Secretary of the Navy authorized Recruiting
Officer, Albany issue you boots and provide quickest transportation
from Albany to San Francisco. Even Chief of Bureau Navigation can
laugh when outsmarted!
buffalo says I was fortunate that the Navy always had money in my
hands for tickets etc. prior to transfer except when I was being
sent home from Hawaii for discharge. My orders said Treasure Island
and I had no desire to spend a couple of weeks sitting up in
Northern Calif. I had no trouble getting the orders changed to San
Diego but the Navy didn't want to pay airfare from LAX to San Diego
which is a lot shorter than San Francisco so there I was all checked
out of my division waiting for the ship to tie up and no money to
pay for a 79.00 ticket home. I had thousands in the bank but no
checkbook with me, it was with Sandy. I begged and pleaded and got
an advance in pay big enough to
cover my air and cab fare home and a couple of meals while
I was sitting in Hawaii. I was lucky and had friends living there so
I had
a great three days waiting for my flight.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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klingon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A certain Russian starship navigator was the only survivor
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he had landed in Klingon territory and was promptly captured
by two Klingons who claimed he was spying.
Alas, the Klingons had lost their own transportation and their
communicators in the same ion storm, so they had to march
on foot and did not reach their destination 'til nightfall. Around
the campfire, the Klingons began to bore the young man with
boasts of Klingon strength and machismo.
Finally the Russian said, "That's not so tough. In Russia we're
so tough we play Russian Roulette instead of poker."
The Klingons asked what was so tough about Russian Roulette
and were fascinated by the Starfleet officer's description of the
"sport".
"That is indeed an exhilarating sport and an honorable death for
the losers. Do you think you can teach us this game if we untie
your hands?," asked the leader.
Seeing an opportunity to get his hands free and on a phaser or
blaster, the young navigator agreed. His hands were untied and
he explained again the basic concept of placing a weapon to
your head and firing with the possibility that it would not kill you
and then passing it to the next person.
The officer reached for his phaser in the stack of his confiscated
goods but was stopped by a rough Klingon hand.
"Wait!" The Klingon grinned evilly as he said, "You're trying to
trick us. Well we're too smart for you."
The navigator's heart stopped as the Klingon paused and lifted
his blaster. "I'll go first!"
Whereupon, to the Russian's amazement the Klingon idiot
pointed the blaster to his head and fired. As the headless corpse
fell to the ground, the Russian lunged for the fallen weapon.
But alas, he was not fast enough. His arm was rudely twisted
behind his back by the second Klingon who leaned forward and
took the blaster from his fallen comrade's hand.
Laughing menacingly, the second Klingon said, "Hah! I am not
so stupid as you think. I know how this works. Now it's my turn!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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News Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
KALUGA, Russia (UPI) -- Russian police said a female hairdresser was
arrested for allegedly keeping an unsuccessful armed robber bound as
a sex slave for two days. Web site Life.ru quoted police as saying
the 32-year-old man entered the hair salon at about 5 p. m. March
14, brandished a gun and demanded money from workers and customers,
The Moscow Times reported Wednesday. However, the 28-year-old
hairdresser, who had martial arts training, disarmed the man and
bound him with a hair-dryer cord. Police told Life.ru that the woman
then allegedly kept the man gagged and handcuffed to a radiator for
48 hours. She is accused of forcing him to take Viagra and forcing
him to have sex with her multiple times. The woman let her prisoner
go March 16 and he went to police after seeking treatment for
injuries to his genitals. The Web site said the man filed a
complaint asking for the hairdresser to be brought up on charges for
"actions of a sexual nature." The woman filed a complaint the next
day seeking armed robbery charges against the man. "I don't know
what's going to happen now," Life.ru quoted a police source as
saying. "We could put both of them behind bars: him for robbery, her
for rape and assault."
(In the same cell? Maybe not.)
Ross
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Oops Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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The wife takes the hint and says "Ok,
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No harm is done, so she jumps into bed
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hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom
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floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, "clumsy bitch".
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Random Chips
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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what
the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed
to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the
answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury
foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror
sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm
going to fuck you like you've never been fucked before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his
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ordered the judge.
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The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the
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Asthma - two large bong hits per attack
Minor burns - 1 joint every 4-6 hours
Insomnia - bowl at bedtime and as soon as you wake up
Depression - three large bong hits, 5-8 times per day
Hangnail - 1/2 ounce per week as long as symptoms persist
Feel kinda funny - pot brownies after each meal
My balls itch - antifungal cream applied to balls, and 2 - 3 joints
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Jonesin' for some pot - 1 full ounce every 4 days, refill as needed
Waay tooo stoned man - Smoke as much as needed until you feel
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Can't cope with shit - Stay in bed and smoke plenty of pot until
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Paranoia - Smoke as much pot as humanly possible (while you still
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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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She asked Little Johnny to tell the class about his special talent.
He stood up and said, " This is my special talent". Then he stuck
his tongue out.
The teacher said, "Little Johnny, I don't understand." "How is your
tongue a special talent"?
Little Johnny said, "See this ball where my tongue is pierced? My
babysitter said that was a special talent because not every boy that
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Men Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome,
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The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,
don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
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Toon Chips
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his arse.
Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy
She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Cor blimey" she said, "It felt like a gun."
They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
Now the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.
So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?
But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following
conversation
ensued:
Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they
thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we
ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming
fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go
this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing
and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated. The following week
when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see
Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and
drinking a beer. His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus
into letting you go Dave?" Dave replied, last night I came home and
slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking
how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me
and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise". When I peeled her hands
back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and
she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you
can do whatever you want".
SO I DID AND HERE I AM!
Randy
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Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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