Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
OK back to head lice heh heh. The first time you go through this you
follow the instructions to the letter. You start by inspecting the
child's hair and any dirty dandruff must be one of the critters and
a
candy in her hair must be an egg sac so you move to stage two which
is the complete de-contamination of house and family. I guess they
used to use a DDT based cream for that but we moved up to sprays and
creams made from pyrethins which are still popular today and
malthion
for the really tough critters. So you shampoo everyone, foul stuff,
has to stay on for an hour, and cause allergic reactions in some
people. You wash every bit of clothing and bedding in the house,
spray the furniture, and light off a few bug bombs for good measure.
No nits no crawlers and school is happy and your child can return to
class. Safer method is to home school your child till they are ready
for college and then make them move out or to adopt a family of
monkeys because they are able to find lice and actually find them
quite tasty. Each time this happens you are going to find your sense
of humor stretched to its limits and the beasties are getting harder
to kill. So someone came up with some really sadistic ways to get
rid
of them that are hilarious and work. They all involve smothering the
lice using greasy substances like mayonnaise, hair styling gel, or
Vaseline. This is probably the reason lice weren't as much of a
problem when kids put enough grease in their hair to hold it still
in
a nuclear blast. But anyhow once the hair is covered you wrap
plastic
wrap over it and let it set overnight and after some heavy
degreasing
they are gone. There is one last method involving shaving one half
of
the persons head and setting the other half on fire and then
smacking
the bugs as they run out with a rubber mallet. I was unable to find
any mention of that method but the rest are listed at:
http://www.keepkids
l
And from the herd nurse:
Reading about the Lice Month. As a nurse we had to deal with the
problem all the time YUCK! All you have to do is mention them and
everyone is itching. The pharmacist told us he can have an outbreak
of anything on God's green earth but nothing brings people to his
door like lice outbreak. Every nurse and aide and anyone else with
patient contact is at his door when he gets there in the AM wanting
NIX or something for them. Powerful little buggers aren't they? Ms
Nurse
Enjoy the Chips and the Weekend... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Redneck Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Butter
Her body is nice, butter face needs a little work
Summer
Your teeth are nice and white, but summer there and some ain't.
European
Hey, dude, turn the other way... european on my boots!
Bard
My brother bard my pickup truck.
Aorta
Aorta knock you out for saying that!
Urine
Pull it out, Randy... urine the wrong damn hole!
Mayonnaise
Mayonnaise some big tires on that truck!
All - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.
Far - noun. A conflagration.
If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things
gonna catch far.
Tar - noun. A rubber wheel.
Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck.
Retard - Verb. To stop working.
My granpaw retard at age 65.
Tarred - adverb. Exhausted.
I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.
Rats - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.
Seed - verb, past tense.
View - contraction: verb and pronoun.
I ain't never seed New York City ... view?
Heavy Dew - phrase. A request for action.
Kin I heavy dew me a favor?
Ah: The thing you see with, and the personal pronoun used denoting
individuality.
Ah think Ah've got somethin' in mah ah.
Attair: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. Pass
me attair gravy, please.
Awl: An amber fluid used to lubricate engines.
Ah like attair car, but it sure does take a lot of awl.
Bawl: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it.
Cyst: To render aid.
Can Ah cyst you with those packages, ma'am?
Flares: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares.
Fur: Measure of distance.
It's a fur piece ta Etlanna.
Fur: Because of or to indicate possession.
Fur yew ta get attair new car, yew gotta go see Bubba bout a loan.
Hale: Where General Sherman is going for what he did to Etlanna.
(Atlanta).
General Sherman said "War is Hale," and he made sure it was.
Hep: to aid or benefit.
Ah can't hep it if Ah'm still in love with you.
Sinner: Exact middle of.
Have you been to the new shoppin' sinner.
Heather
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
interesting
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endangered
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Computer Birds
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Computer Browser
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Computer De-program
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Elephant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elephant is walking through the jungle one
day when she gets a thorn stuck in her foot.
The further she walks, the more it hurts.
After a while, she starts to limp. As she
limps along, an ant walks up and asks, "Hey,
what's the matter?"
"I've got this thorn in my foot and I would
do *anything* to get it out."
The ant says, "Anything? Well, would you let
me screw you?"
The elephant thinks about it for a minute and
decides "Why not?, How bad could an ant be?"
So she agrees.
The ant starts pulling on the thorn and,
eventually, gets it out.
True to her word, the elephant then lays down
on her side and moves her tail out of the way.
The ant crawls up and starts going to town.
A monkey up in a coconut palm is watching all
this. He can't quite believe his eyes. As the
ant mounts the pachyderm, the monkey starts
laughing and rolling around in the tree. His
actions knock a coconut out of the tree and
it falls and hits the elephant right between
the ears.
The elephant moans loudly in pain,
"Awwoooohhhhh!
Hearing this, the ant yells out at the top of
his voice, "Take it all baby, take it all!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Drinking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 18 clues to calling it a night - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME
WHEN:
1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in
the
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3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. On your last trip to the bathroom you realized you now look more
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5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and
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6. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.
7. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
8. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and
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10. You've forgotten where you live.
11. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes
you've smoked, because (as you've mentioned, like 10 times by now)
you
only smoke when you drink.
12. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving
you
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or
vodka.
13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like
pizza.
14. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this
the
wrong way, but...."
15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on
it.
16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
17. You're tired so you just sit down on the floor (and why not!).
18. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they
really
want to.
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Semi Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnie and Max had been married for 18 years. As Minnie grew older
and
less attractive, Max became disinterested, and his libido started to
wane dramatically. In desperation, Minnie hauled him before a
marriage
counselor. The marriage counselor listened patiently to Minnie's
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Finally the marriage counselor issued a verdict. "Max," he said,
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way
downstairs, she nudged Max, asking, "Tell me, Max, how many times a
week
is semi-annually?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Notebook Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up
to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages,
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stayed at the Hyatt." "Were you in room 1368?" The fellow checks his
notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368." The guy says, "Did you
know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?" The guy looks in his
book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in
1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The
fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs.
Wentworth." The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like
it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're
right. I didn't like it either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The biggest difference between sex for money and sex for love is
that
sex for money usually costs a lot less.
"So after I found out that my ex had been screwing the baby sitter,
I
just bought a lock for the bedroom door and kept the only key with
me." "That's a pretty good idea! How did it work out?" "They started
using the couch!"
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says "I'll miss you
A young lady is on a cliff edge about to jump to her death when she
is
approached by a young man who asks if she's going to kill herself.
To
her reply of yes he asks if she can give him a blow job before she
does it. "Sure, life sucks, I may as well." When she's done he tells
her it was great and asks why she's going to kill herself. She
replies, "My parents disowned me for dressing like a woman"
I think pedophiles are sick and should be thrown in jail. I mean,
what
kind of twisted bastard gets off on feet anyway? (Brad Simanek)
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you
a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - COLD As Ever." "Yeah,"
she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: "Here
Lies My Husband - STIFF At Last."
If you drink, don't park, accidents cause people.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Need-To-Know Guides - Very Informative
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Send Flowers ! - On-Line
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The Taklamakan Mummies
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#1 Song on this Date In History
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Movie Clips
Taint
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Taint Taster
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Time to Leave Home
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Triceratits
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Un BarDame
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Court House Shooting Idiot
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Cutest Plumber
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Deer Jumps Cycle
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Drag Race Slomo
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Dry Retriever
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife's as cold as marble. She says I take her for granite.
On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and
walked again on earth. As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed at the
door Jesus had left open. "What's the matter with you?" he said.
"Where you born in a barn?"
"I can't be bothered," said Tom carelessly.
Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth
member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was
called
to calm the situation, "What's the trouble here?" he asked. "My
partner has had a stroke, and these two jerks want to add it to my
score."
A guy who worked in a gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum, and
his
boss had to chew him out
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency
room,
I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I
usually
refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into
a
patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne." "Hi," the
patient
responded. "I'm in some pain too."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
burgers
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bush
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bush and bush lite
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bush condoms
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bush and turkey
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a milkman named Schwartz,
Whose cock was all covered with warts.
But women would play,
with his dick anyway,
'cause good ol' Schwartz came in quarts.
A young violinist from Reo,
Was seducing a woman named Cleo;
As she took down her panties,
She said "No 'andantes',
I want this 'allegro con brio'.
I think my teacher is smart
He has such a wonderful heart
He said with a grin
As it rumbled within
That smell in the air is a fart
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I
think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like
W-H-H-H-O-O-
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both
idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that?
She's
heard
an elephant fart too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week we celebrate a special birthday....
Monica Lewinsky turns 44. Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees,
putting everything in her mouth...
They grow up so fast, don't they ...
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1412
The Kollectors
BJ: Okay so what is up with the boxes?
Diana: The dogs have decided to collect things.
BJ: What?
Diana: They are copying us I guess. You collect things and I collect
things, so they thing they have to collect things.
BJ: Did you explain that I collect specific items like western art,
ancient
coins and old books, first edition and such.
Diana: Yes, I did.
BJ: Okay, it will be interesting to see what are up to.
Going to the dog house.....
BJ: So Katie what are you collecting?
Katie: I am collecting China Tea Cups, hand painted of course,
preferably
18th century.
BJ: They are lovely, might I ask why this one says made in Mexico?
Katie: What? That rip off artist. Why I will never buy from him on
Ebay
again. He swore it was 200 years old....
BJ: Remember the old adage, "Let the buyer beware."
Katie: Grrrrrr.
BJ: How about you Rudy, what are you collecting?
Rudy: Cans, beer cans. I have about 100 different brands so far.
BJ: Amazing, you have quite a collection.
Rudy: I even have a Billy Beer, it is very rare.
BJ: It says on the side made in 2007.
Rudy: What? It is supposed to be 20 years old...
BJ: Just be careful guys, you might want to get me involved first.
BJ: Sandi what have you collected?
Sandi: Nothing. I am saving my money.
BJ: Maybe the smartest thing to do.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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