Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
It is 0630 and it is so quiet the only sound is the fan on my
computer.
Yesterday was hectic and I went out to Nancy's to go through a
packet
of paperwork Lisa the Lawyer Sister had sent to file probate on my
mom's estate. Having gathered the family's signatures on everything
it is ready to be dropped off at the court tomorrow. I got back home
while
it was still light out and decided to lay down for a couple of
hours. I woke
up shivering, coughing, and with ahead full of mucus so I took a few
Tylenol and went back to bed. I figured I would be as sick as a dog
when I woke back up, but felt pretty good so I stayed up till after
the sun
came up getting as much of the lists done as possible.
Eva woke up about 0500 and said she had had a bad dream. It
is really no surprise that children have bad dreams. For example
Sponge Bob has had at least three shows involving zombies and
there is a new movie that is being widely advertised about zombies.
I have tried to pick up when she has a problem with something on the
net or TV, like the witch pictures this morning and explain to her
that there is nothing to hurt her. Fortunately Buffy was up and
convinced
her to go back to bed. Eva is still sleeping and it is lunchtime. I
hope we
get back to a regular schedule soon.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Cuckoo Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". I
told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!".
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around
3:00am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door
the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up I cuckooed another nine
times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick
witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him
(even
when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =
midnight!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him
"midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that
one!
Then he said "we need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he
said
"well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh
shit!"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and
farted".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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It doesn't hurt
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pregnant
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Cyprus Alarm Clock
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Daffy
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Dalmations
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sea Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Sea
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project
on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or
write about their experiences. Teachers got
together to compare the results and put together
the comments that were funny and sad. Here are
some of them. The kids were all aged between
5 and 8 years:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
Whales are animals, not fish If they don't get air
they can drown, like my brother did last summer.
(David age 7)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.
If you don't have sea all around you, you are
incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth,
just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of
it's head.
(Billy age 6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes
back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds
to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't
blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.
My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their
shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 7)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother
is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps
shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 8)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric
eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under
the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into
chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish
(Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold,
and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship,
and have lots of sailors.
(Valerie age 6)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off
when she was going very fast. She says she won't do
it again because water shot up her cootchie.
(Julie age 7)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Navy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pert little lady went to the Navy Commissary store to do some
shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet
paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you
explain
the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointin out the most expensive brand, "this is as
soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and
says,
"This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong yet gentle, and it's $1.25
a
roll." He grabs another and says, "This is soft as a woman's touch
and
smooth like skin, and it's $1.00..
He finally arrives at the bottom shelf he tells her, "This toilet
paper
in a plain wrapper has no name, I don't know about it, but it sells
at
$.20 per roll. The pert little lady, asks the store manager for a
couple
of rolls of the inexpensive toilet paper without a name and walks
out
the store.
A week later, she's back at the commissary store, seeking out the
manager. She tells him, "Hey! I've got a name for your plain wrapper
toilet paper." "Call it CPO paper.
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's just like the Chiefs in the Navy, SLICK, TOUGH, AND IT
DOESN'T TAKE CRAP OFF ANY ASSHOLE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Chief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The old sub-sailor, Harold was a Retired Navy Chief Engineman. He
was sick and was in the VA hospital. Anyway, there was this one
young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she
would talk to him like he was a little child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing
this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Harold had
received breakfast, and pulled the apple juice off his breakfast
tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had just been given a
urine bottle to fill for testing. So.....you know where the juice
went.
Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine
bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy
today....." At this, the Chief snatched the bottle out of her hand,
pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it
through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."
The nurse fainted.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Vacation Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Billy Bob and LeRoy were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
LeRoy,"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year
I'm gonna do it a bit different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three
years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. went to Hawaii and Earline got
pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline
got
pregnant again.
Last year, you suggested Tahiti - and darned if Earline didn't get
pregnant again!"
LeRoy asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Earline with me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sterile Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man visited the local clinic and filled out a form
requesting an operation to make him sterile.
Under the heading for Reason Requesting The Procedure he
wrote:
My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and
having
had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives
are
useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method.
Despite
trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured
myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band
when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
Then a doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living
with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period,
when
the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife
got
pregnant.
Next a lady of several years' experience said if we made love while
breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear
skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet
again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but
still
got pregnant again.
When I asked the pharmacist about condoms, he was kind enough to
demonstrate them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again,
which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one
of
those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
Our neighbor, a nurse suggested we try the coil next but that didn't
work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a
right-hand
screw.
Then the sister-in-law told the wife about the Dutch cap and
it seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when
the
only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried
it
between her knees and hell it worked cuz I couldn't get anywhere
near
her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the
operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe
that
just talking about sex is going to be any substitute for the real
thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Spamprimer.com
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Evaluating Open Source Software
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Computer Viruses
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Movies
Swan
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Texas Shoot Out
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Things Men Will Do For A Cold Beer
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What It Feels Like Owning Stock In 2008
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Workout Bra
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Parent VS Kids
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Parking 1
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Parking 2
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Parking3
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Peeling
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hell Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the
first day and sees him smiling. "What are you so happy about?" says
Lucifer. "I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler
room." The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I'll turn
the
heat all the way up. That'll show him." The next day, The Devil
checks
back with the stoker, only to find him happy once again. "What now?"
says the Evil one. "This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day
in
the boiler room." The Devil realizes that he has been going about it
all
wrong. "Tomorrow I'm going to make it colder than a Siberian
winter." He
returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but
grinning
from ear to ear. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?"
"It's
pretty obvious, isn't it?" replied the stoker. "The Dallas Cowboys
must
be America's Favorite Team!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Salvation lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she climbed into bed
She reverently said,
"I wish to be opened with prayer."
____________
She demanded I gave her affection
Then opened her thighs for inspection;
I found her quite neat
'Til I noticed the fleas
And immediately lost my erection.
____________
There was a young man named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath,
When she'd start with her lips,
Mmmmm, he'd wiggle his hips...
But not when the gal used her teeth!
<Snagged by>
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
With his trial date drawing near, Dan grew despondent and his libido
dropped to nearly zero. In the days that preceded his trial, he had
absolutely no sex drive at all. On the day of his trial Dan suddenly
realized that it might be quite some time before he had another
opportunity to enjoy the company of a woman again. Around the time
the
jury was to pronounce their verdict and the judge was to decide his
punishment, Dan crudely suggested to his court appointed female
attorney that the two of them might still have time for a discrete
quickie during the recess. With that, she stood up and slapped him
hard across the face and stormed out. At that moment, his pal Art,
who
had overheard this conversation, nudged Dan and offered a wink of
approval. "In some ways you're getting better," he whispered. "At
least you're now using a proposition to begin your sentence. (Gary
Hallock)
Stan Kegel
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a sexual harassment case, and it had been a long day. The
young
lady accusing her boss said that she was too embarrassed to repeat
the
words that he said to her. The Judge suggested she write them down
and
that the words be shown to himself and the jury. She passed the
note,
which read - 'Go and take your knickers off, then come sit on my
knee
and have a drink with me tonight', to the Judge, who then passed it
on
to Fred, the foreperson of the jury. Fred went to pass it on to the
next
juror, a middle-aged spinster who had nodded off in the stuffy
courtroom. He had to nudge her to bring back full consciousness.
She woke, read the note, smiled, read it a second time, winked and
nodded at Fred, then put the note in her handbag!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1685
Looking For a New Kar
Diana: Everyone in the van, we are going to look for a new car.
Rudy: Why? I like the one we have.
BJ: The ones we have are getting old and it is time to get new
ones.
Grumble grumble.....
Later at the car lot...
Diana: Where is Katie?
Rudy: I think she is over by that Pink Corvette.
Diana: I like the new Honda Fit. It is cheap on gas and does not
have
a timing belt to worry about.
BJ: I like the Toyota Corolla, they have a rebate right now.
Rudy: I like a big pickup.
Sandi: I like our old van.
Katie hops over: I like a Jag!
to be continued
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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