Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Quick Joke
As an assistant high-school track coach, I recorded the results of
each
home meet and made copies for all the coaches. But because our track
shed did not have electricity, I had to use carbon paper. A freshman
team member offered to help, and I showed her how to place the
carbon
paper shiny side down so that the image would transfer to the sheet
beneath it. "What will they think of next?" she said in
astonishment. "Pretty soon we won't need copy machines anymore."
Do you remember the first time you did something wrong in school and
were sentenced to write something 500 times on notebook paper?
This was a much worse penalty than having to do it on the blackboard
as you couldn't take a blackboard home to ruin your weekend but you
had plenty of lined paper and the teachers thought they could have
more effect if they could ruin your life outside of school too. Back
in my school days the only way to copy things at home was with
carbon paper and any teacher worth her salt could spot a carbon copy
from a block away. The really good ones could figure out when you
had
someone else do half the pages even if they didn't misspell one word
250 times that you managed to spell right.
The only thing that seemed to speed things up was to do all of the
sentences one word at a time, vertically like all of the I at one
time and
then all of the will at one time, and then all of the not, for
example. Of course that was forbidden but you usually got away with
it unless the
teacher checked and you only had, " I will not written" 500 times.
I imagine these days that someone would come out with a program to
use your inkjet printer to write random sentences in your
handwriting but I suppose that teachers have found a new punishment.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Diet Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office crying and
claims that she has tried every possible way to lose weight, all to
no avail. She continues to sob, "My husband won't make love to me
any more. My friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me.
I just can't take it any more!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet ... rectal
feeding. Reassuring the patient that she won't starve to death, the
doctor explains that she'll actually take in enough nutrients,
through the rectal walls, to sustain life and that she's sure to
lose weight in the process.
Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment
and she's down from her 360 pounds to a trim 110 pounds At first the
doctor doesn't recognize her and asks his nurse, "Who is that
beautiful lady in the waiting area?" The nurse reminds the doctor
that she's the fat lady on the special, rectal diet.
The doctor show the patient into the exam room and notices that she
is bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically. The
doctor asks how she's doing and if there was anything wrong. The
patient replies, "I'm feeling great Doc. Never felt better!"
"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?"
The patient replies, "Oh, that ... I'm just chewing gum."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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what he said
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we care
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Days Without A Blowjob
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Dead Meat
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Dead Peoples Things For Sale
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alien Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange
looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be
looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to
her.
"You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you
don't mind my looking at you."
She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she
didn't consider herself that special.
"Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe
some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really
haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look."
So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did
mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking.
When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked
back to the waitress.
"I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits?
I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to
me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you."
Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room,
she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits
out of her bra.
"Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't
know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her
clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me
just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell
all the guys about how wonderful you are."
After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very
gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then
he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her.
Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away.
To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the
middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the
passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh."
Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him
if he'd like to do it again.
Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have
to wait a little while."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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date Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two
years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from
Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never
had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at
home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and
they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy
goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is
coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it
through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the
bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing
up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He
doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever
talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train
to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the
restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the
bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without
interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They
decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak,
so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he
still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit
of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little
surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to
the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of
his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this
yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to
do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show
stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the
restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way
to the train station, they pass the Gap. Do you mind if I run in and
buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No
problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the
Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right,
women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the
first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After
selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he
brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still
on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see
him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says
through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40
feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the
pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He
pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the
store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and
find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our
hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the
car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips
off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws
them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap
bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy and his wife were in bed one night. The guy was reading a
book.
The wife, wanting to make love said,
"Is that book so good you can't put it down or am I so bad you can't
get it up?"
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench complaining about their
husbands. "My husband's losing his mind," one lady said. "Last week
he went out and spent $400 for a waterbed."
"That sounds exciting," the other lady said.
"Exciting, hell," the first old lady said. "The way my husband's
thing has been reacting the last few years, that waterbed might as
well be the Dead Sea."
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the
phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face
brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the
good news.
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time
like this?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Blonde Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A3: Because they are easier to find in the dark.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going
to work or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hassid Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It's now one hour to
shabbos and he's all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go
to
a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks
towards
the exit, as he reaches the reception area he sees a stunning
British
Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure you could die
for.
She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in
her
tracks and walks quickly over to him.
"Hello," she says to him.
"Hello to you too," he says.
"I have a confession to make," she says.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.
"Nu, so go on," he says.
"I've always wanted to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my
hands
up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis and
my
fingers through his beard, play with his peyess, eat kichel with
him,
poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play with his
shlong
and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs
just waiting for us. What do you say?"
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says, "And what's in it for
me?"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Autumn'
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A Mother's Instinct
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Parable Of Forgiving Father
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Orator Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Orators of the Democratic Party
. "One man with courage makes a majority."
--attributed to Andrew Jackson
. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
--Franklin D. Roosevelt
. "The buck stops here."
--Harry S. Truman
. "Ask not what your country can do for you;
ask what you can do for your country."
--John F. Kennedy
... and for todays democrates ...
"It depends what your defination of "IS' 'IS""..?
-Bill Clinton
"That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off."
-Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sancity of marriage."
-John Edwards
"I invented the Internet"
-Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious,
I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***."
- Joe Biden
"America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what it
was once was .. uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that
future,uh uh for my children.' '" -Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states.
-Barack Obama
"You don't need God anymore, you have us democrates."
- Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one
is more faithful, true, and honest than he."
- Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
choke
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christmas
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Osama Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The list of top 10 'famous last words' by Bin Laden
10. "Say Omar, is that a vulture in the sky or is that a B-2?"
9. "Okay men we have spotted some navy seals just over the ridge,
let's show them how arabs fight."
8. "It is perfectly safe to hid here in these caves with the
missles, ammo and petro. The americans have nothing that can
penetrate this cave."
7. "Omar I am tired of hiding in this cave I will just stick my head
out for a minute to see if the coast is clear."
6. "Simple Rasheed, I will simply bribe the american devils with my
money and they will not kill us."
5. "Americans are soft, if we surrender, they must send us to
america for a trial."
4. "It was nice of the americans to drop food to us. I wonder why we
have these t-shirts with the target on them."
3. "Hey american pig, I double dare you to drop that nuke."
2. "I will go and check and see what that wop wop wop noise is
outside."
and the number one famous last words:
1. "What do you mean Omar by saying I have a red lazer dot on my
forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her 11
year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked,
"Johnny, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can't concentrate,
"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With
whom?"
"With you," he answered.
"But Johnny," exclaimed the secretly please young lady, "don't you
see how silly that is? I'm much older than you are. What you are
feeling is just "puppy love". And while it's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday; I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Johnny reassuringly. "I'll be careful."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks
into a
room people call him 'Your Grace'.."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters
a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he
walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the
four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24"
stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My
God."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1691
The Fairest Game of All
After Rudy and Katie were 'rescued' from the wine tasting event, the
group headed for the Midway.
BJ: Most of these games are ripoffs so do not even try them, okay?
Rudy: Okay pops.
Diana: This game over here looks innocent enough.
BJ: It isn't. You cannot get a ring on the milk bottle. It is
impossible. It is like the basketball hoops, they look round but if
you close to them, they are oval.
Sandi: Let me try and win this for Diana.
BJ: Okay but it is money thrown away.
Barker: Okay three tosses for a dollar.
Sandi: So I get three rings from you and toss them on three bottles
and they stay, I win?
Barker: Yes, thats it.
Sandi: Okay, here is one dollar.
Sandi then bends the rings to a different shape.
Barker: Hey you can't do that.
Sandi: Nothing in the rules that says I cannot.
Barker: Well here is your dollar back.
Sandi: You can give me my dollar back, but I still get my turn.
Barker sweating: Take your turn.
Sandi jumps on the counter and leans over and places one on the
bottle, and repeats the process.
Barker: I think that is cheating.
Sandi: You cannot cross the counter, I did not do so. I will take
the large stuffed Panda.
Barker: I am not certain. You can have the little stuffed bear.
Diana: Oh, there is a policeman, we can ask him what he thinks.
Barker: Oh here is your Panda.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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