Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Clunkers For Cash
Here in California they were required to drain the oil and put sand
in the engine and run it until it seized. I think maybe the dealers
in your state were not following the law as far as the clunkers were
intended to be disposed of. I guess the middle states don't have to
folow the law like the most of do?
Tom
Buffalo you are starting to sound like Fox Cable, after reading your
post tonight on Cluckers I called three new car salesman I know and
all three told me that they watched as the engines on the 300 cars
they took in at their dealerships were render inoperateable. So how
could these cars wind up on car lots of their engines do not work.
If you bothered to read the Cash for Cluckers you would see it is
right in it that the engines must be rendered usless. So these cars
went to junk dealers to be recycled.
So please stay out of politics and dont try and be a Fox News
contributor.
Otherwise like all of the jokes. So dont become a joke yourself.
Lloyd Knight
buffalo says
Sometimes I get information second hand that isn't quite right. The
rules are being followed and they do add something called liquid
glass and it is run until the motor seizes up. The cars are then
sold to authorized dismantlers for spare parts and scrap. Unlike
CNN, MSNBC, and the DNC I do make corrections when I am wrong ( Fox
does too )
Annoying Ad There is an ad currently being run for Lifelock that
features some women telling about how her identity was stolen and
the women speaks in a whine through most of her story. It is like
fingernails on a chalkboard and it is on every channel.
I am in a mega sports slump. The Tigers have lost the last four
straight, Michigan State lost to Central Michigan, and tomorrow New
Orleans is supposed to beat the Lions. When does Hockey season
start?
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Job Chips
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Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear;
You've been on overtime almost all year;
And since you are gone till way late at night,
A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.
Oh husband, dear husband, please don't be a fool;
Working overtime is wasting your tool;
For better it is to be poor all your life,
Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;
I used to be happy as your little queen,
But now every night you're nowhere to be seen;
You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.
Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed,
Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead;
I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.
I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,
I've played with your balls, but your pecker won't rise;
So I'll find me a man who works eight hours a day,
And while you're at work, we'll proceed to make hay.
For in this whole world there is only one sin,
For which there's no pardon, and never has been;
And that is a man who is so foolish and mean,
That he gives up his screwing to run a machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Irish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cork born Father O'Connor's reputation for castigating the Brits
from
the pulpit was legendary. However, the congregation in his new
parish of
Boston, Mass., tired of him lambasting the Brits for the horrors
they
inflicted upon the Irish for generations. Ultimately, the Archbishop
opted
to send the good father to a small hamlet in the far reaches of
Tennessee
where, His Grace said, "The folks know nothing of England and care
less. So
Knock off the Brit bashing and you'll better serve Holy Mother
Church."
Several weeks later, when Father O'Connor stood into the pulpit to
deliver
his first sermon to his new congregation, the local Bishop, who knew
of
O'Connor's reputation, was in attendance to check up-on him.
"My dear brethren," Father O'Connor began, "this morning I'd like to
talk
about The Last Supper."
Not bad, though the Bishop. Safe enough ground.
"Now, the lesson to be learned from The Last Supper, where Christ
knew
He'd
been betrayed, is that the sin of betrayal is the worst sin of all.
A
sin
never forgiven by God or man," thundered Father O'Connor.
Fair enough, thought the Bishop.
"Christ looked around at His apostles. 'Was it you Peter, who
betrayed
me?'
He asked."
"Not I My Lord," answered Peter.
"Was it you John?"
"Not I My Lord."
"Christ asked each of them in turn and finally came to Judas, who
was
sitting at the end of the table, his head bowed. Was it you, Judas,
who
betrayed me? asked Christ, and Judas responded,
"Wot? Me? Not on yer bloody life, Mi'lud."
The Bishop fainted
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Keeper Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you
for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room,
I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang
bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my
blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to
watch pornos again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby-
sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her
over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl?
Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on
fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a
field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl-
friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm
gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell
me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the
old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then
you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you
want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple
more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of
Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order
another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll
ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars
and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth
again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let
me watch Sportscenter.
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An avid male golfer's buddies were going to be out of town for the
weekend so he decided to go down to the golf course and see if any
group
might need a fourth member. Sure enough there were three women and
they
were glad to have him join them.
Since he was the guest, they decided to let him tee off first. The
man
teed off and his ball sliced badly to the right and landed in a sand
trap. The man immediately exclaimed "Oh shit!"
One of the women reminded him that he was playing with three ladies
and
not his male buddies and that ladies do not appreciate that kind of
language. The man promptly apologized and promised it would not
happen
again.
The woman who had spoken to him about the cursing then teed off and
her
ball hit a tree and then caromed off into the same sand trap. She
immediately said "Oh shit!"
The man spoke up and said that he realized he was a guest but it
seemed
like there was a double standard in that the woman used the same
word
that he was told he should not use.
The woman quickly replied, "There's no double standard. Your ball
didn't
hit the fucking tree!"
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Religion Chips
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Religions of the World
Taoism Shit happens.
Confucianism Confucius says: "Shit happens."
Buddhism If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism That shit happened before.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism Let shit happen to somene else.
Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it.
Born Again Same old shit, new cover.
Mormon If shit happens, it is eternal.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Polytheism Who did this shit?
Monotheism I've narrowed this shit down to one.
Satanism We make shit fly.
Agnosticism What is this shit?
Atheism I don't believe this shit.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
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Mayo Chips
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A guy nearing the end of his senior year in high school
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One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun.
They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is
already on the lower bunk. So he and his girlfriend climbed into the
top
bunk.
As you expected, things began to heat up. The guy remembers that his
brother is sleeping below, so he tells his girlfriend to whisper,
"Lettuce" if she wants it harder, and "Tomato" if she wants a new
position.
She screams, "Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Tomato! Lettuce! Whoa!!!
Pull It
Out Now! I Can't Get Pregnant!"
Then the little brother shouts, "Hey, would you two guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"
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Hurricane Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH HURRICANE SEASON......
Here are a few new drink recipes to keep handy just in case the
worst
happens. GREAT RECIPES~~ Enjoy!
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of
glass
with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door
neighbor - whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof
even
though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his
bathroom. Repeat.
============
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice.
Stir,
then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak
storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the
hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just
a
Category 1.
============
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV
weatherman say, 'cone of probability,
and down the shot.
============
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail
glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your
freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.
============
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschlager
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschlager, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As
you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to
New Jersey where it belongs.
============
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to
figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks
without television and AC.
============
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess
spills all over the countertop.
============
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage
hits your tongue. Repeat.
============
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of
your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsparilla.
Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsparilla. Watch for
looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink
shot. Repeat.
============
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschlager, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.
Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and
attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive
you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.
============
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to
yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of
vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot,
and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of
road rage and beat the living crap out of him.
============
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to
eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient,
hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an
exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
An thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An was left with her mouth agape
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
There was a young dancer, Priscillla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful
young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it
on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.
A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with
you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm
a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a
hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I
certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and
I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but
sure, let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering.
There's something about you that makes me think you might be
Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both
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"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay,
twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not
making any profit!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was being sued for divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
Appearing
before a London divorce court, he was asked to explain what he and
his
alleged lover were doing in the bedroom in the dark.
"Playing snooker," he said.
The judge then asked him about the passionate noises the wife heard
coming from the bedroom. The man was unfazed.
"Those noises were completely innocent," he assured the court. "They
were actually an expression of surprise or disappointment made when
playing a difficult shot."
"But why was the woman nude?" the court asked.
Still unfazed, the man said, "Well she was doing some sewing and
altering her slacks."
The divorce was granted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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