Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Busy day today, bills to pay, bloodwork to get done, and my
TOPS meeting tonight. I don't know how I managed to get all
of that done when I was working ten hours a day and still have
time to do all of the jokelists.
Tomorrow is Patriot Day, the anniversary of the WTC and Pentagon
attacks. Once again I invite you to send your thoughts for inclusion
in the Scuttlebutt but please keep your conspiracy theories to
yourselves.
Enjoy the chips and gas is at 2.55 a gallon right now..... buffalo
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Pregnant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a pregnancy that begins
while using birth control?
A. A misconception.
Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly
when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.
Q. What is a chastity belt?
A. A labour-saving device.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm
pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a
size 34-Long.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine
a baby's sex?
A.Childbirth.
Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is
A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type
AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.
Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our
baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom
should I contact about this?
A.Your therapist.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has
a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant,
my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a
fat lip.
Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember.
Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and
even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets
smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes,your bladder.
Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without
onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're
doing with them.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant
woman and a Playboy centrefold?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows
what's good for him.
Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth
month of pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll
feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might
be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery
room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything
to you.
Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver,
who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only--doctors, nurses,
orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists,
etc.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but
the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering
from childbirth?
A.Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does labour cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be
circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters.
Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to re-
think her plans to nurse.
Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling
them in a saucepan.
Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. What is the gasp reflex?
A. The reaction of a new father when he sees the new
mother's breasts.
Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby
from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother
dreams she's pregnant again.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife
begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
nudist
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police line
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bumpers
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Condom Broke
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Condom Collection
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Condom Etiquette
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations. He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"
Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Jones' for a couple hours."
The married business executive had to make a trip
to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a
few days he was enjoying himself so much that he
decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise,
he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane
for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and
I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you
known about us?
"Look," said the husband, "if you don't put
some more action into it in the sack, I'm
gonna go out and get me some 'strange stuff'."
"Listen Buffalo ," snapped the wife, "if you could
somehow manage just a inch or so more, you'd
get yourself some 'strange stuff' right here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Heaven Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three girls, a blonde, redhead and brunette, died and were brought
to
the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St.
Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter asked the girls, "Before
entering you must answer this simple question."
"Which is ...?" they replied in unison.
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the first girl, a brunette.
"Oh yes," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was
still virgin even after I got married."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the golden
key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the second girl, a redhead.
"Oh, quite good," she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but
was not after I got married."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... the silver
key."
"Have you been a good girl?" he asked the third girl, a blonde.
"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically have sex with every
guy
I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime."
"Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl... my room key."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your
daughter come home from a date and saying, "Some nights I don't know
why I even bother to wear panties."
Poor Venus de Milo. A figure like that and no hands to defend
herself.
A guy meets this stunning woman at a bar, and, after an evening of
drinking, they both go back to her place. Within minutes of
arriving,
they're on the bed. He removes her blouse and skirt, and then pulls
off his pants and shirt. He gets on top and begins to make love to
her. After awhile he notices that with each stroke he takes, her
toes
curl up! "Wow," he thinks, I AM good!" and intensifies his
thrusting.
At this point, she stops him. "What's wrong?" he slurs, "I thought
you
were enjoying this?" "I'd enjoy it more," she says, "if you took off
my pantyhose."
I finally got it straight after being confused by the words depraved
and deprived for years. Depraved is when your two kid sisters invite
you to indulge in an incestuous threesome. Deprived is when you're
an
only child.
To make a bull sweat, give him a tight Jersey.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hooker Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a prostitute from Los Angeles who had moved to Hawaii and
she was very puzzled. Lot's of her friends had told her that Hawaii
was the best place to be to pick up wealthy Japanese tourists. She
was having a very hard time and not getting much business. There
seemed to be too few takers. She had learned some Japanese from
fellow prostitutes, but many of the potential Japanese customers
were
either walking the other way, or ignoring her.
Finally one day she was arrested and she finally learned the truth
from a friendly undercover officer. The girl had been approaching
Japanese men and telling them in Japanese words she did not intend
to
say. She was saying in a friendly way "Funk Off", "I've got VD, want
to have a go?" The best one was "Get the fuck out of her you
asshole"! This obviously was ruining her chances of making money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all sales
records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in his window
announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car." A delighted young stud
plunked down his money and, in hot anticipation, drove his newly won
blonde out into the country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary
kisses, and whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head,
smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."
As their first assignment, my English 101 students are asked to
write
a paper about their summer. One student wrote a paper about going to
the coast and getting a summer job on a fishing boat. He described
how, without any skills, he was still able to obtain work as a "bait
boy" on the boat. It was his job to make sure the bait was provided,
cut up, if necessary, and even put on the hooks if the customers
wanted him to do that. He did well, was given more responsibilities,
and advanced quickly in the job. By the summer, he had done so well
that he was made "master baiter."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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[corrected] Identity Theft #2
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Movies
Jamacos
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Just Walk It ff Sissy
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The Vasectomy Song
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Kangaroo Court
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Kilted Scotsman
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Robbery
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Roll Over Donner Pass
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Russian Bar Trio
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Snow Plow
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The 1
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For ths rest of it, honey."
____________
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her
____________
A young polo-player of Berkeley
Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
In the midst of each chukker
He would break off and fuck her
Horizontally, laterally and vertically.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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camel toe
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the Blue Ridge Mountains, there was a retired sailor who was
reputed to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Chief"
Three Admirals went-up into the mountains and wanted to rent him.
The
old sailor said good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They
agreed and three days later came back with the limit.
The next year they came back. "Chief" got better, gonna cost you
$75.00 a day," again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back
with the limit.
The third year they came back and told the old sailor they had to
have "Chief" even if it cost $100.00 a day. "You can have the
worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00." But
we don't understand, what happen to him?" Well a crew from the Navy
base in Norfolk came up and rented him. One of the idiots called him
Master Chief , and he's just been sitting on his ass barkin' ever
since.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your
destination.
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right -
is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it
the
cockpit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the
window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on
the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a
large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to
the Muskegon River, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes
inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special.
She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the
first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first
blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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