Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From The Archives
If you ask an Admiral what the military runs on
he will give you a detailed description of command
structure beginning with the recruits and moving
all the way up to the Secretary of Defense. He is
right of course but any Chief Petty Officer will
give you a one-word answer to the same question
and that is coffee. Even though sailors do have
other beverages available to them Coke and Bug
Juice don't do you a lot of good on the 0400-0800
watch when you have only had 5 hours of sleep a
night for the past week.
The average sailor develops a permanent curvature in
the index finger of his dominant hand within several
years of joining the navy from holding a coffee cup.
A 30 cup coffee maker is suitable for a four man watch
section over a four hour watch but a 15 man watch section like we
frequently had in the propulsion spaces would wipe out a 100 cup
coffee maker a watch and during working hours you when everyone was
in the space you were lucky to get a first cup of coffee from it. We
had a coffee card that let us draw two 20 pound cans of coffee a
week from mess supply and sugar and creamer. Any leftover coffee
went into a 15 gallon barrel that had a removable top and was saved
for trading purposes.
Let's face it, the military did not exactly buy gourmet
coffee and people made it a bit on the strong side. After
your first cup your hair stood up straight on your head although
after the tenth cup on a watch you could go to bed with no problem.
When I did some time as a training petty officer outside of the
space, I had to walk back to the messdecks to get my coffee which
was brewing 24 hours a day. After wearing out a set of shoes walking
back and forth to the messdecks I broke out a one liter beer stein
that a girlfriend had made for me and used that instead of the
standard 8 oz. china cups.
I want to mention one fact here about coffee cups today.
A sailor's coffee cup is a personal possession. Unless
there are previous arrangements made it should never be
touched even to rinse it out and woe be on the person who
took it upon themselves to remove the accumulation of tar
from a broken in coffee cup. Lots of time that tar is the
only thing holding the coffee cup together and the only
thing worse than washing a sailor's cup is breaking it.
You might as well jump ship and swim for shore.
Enjoy the chips and have a cup of coffee.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dating Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dating Translations
From: Stan Kegel
Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
True Meaning: "I'm poor."
Statement: "I need you."
True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
True Meaning: "I am not circumcised.
Statement: "I want a commitment."
True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation.
Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
True Meaning: "Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my
head."
Statement: "She's kinda cute."
True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a bag over the
head
might be necessary."
Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
Statement: "I miss you so much."
True Meaning: "I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look
good."
Statement: "Was it good for you?"
True Meaning: "I am so insecure..."
Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" True
Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
Statement: "Do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find
out sooner or later."
Statement: "How much do you love me?"
True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way to tell you by now."
Statement: "I have something to tell you."
True Meaning: "Get tested."
Statement: "I'll give you a call."
True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see you again."
Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
True Meaning: "You're ugly."
Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
True Meaning: "I gotta remember to turn on my answering machine."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Constipation Boxing
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Construction
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Consulting
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where he came from
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its a match
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before the wheel
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stimulus Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an
Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetable's, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day.
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Texas Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his
cell
phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of
drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has
just
produced a baby boy weighing 15 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 15 pounds, but
the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks. Like I
said,
"My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him
from
all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman
actually faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas
baby
that weighed 15 pounds at birth,aren't you? Everybody's been makin'
bets
about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So...
How
much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "11 pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and
concerned. "What happened? He weighed 15 pounds the day he was born!
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and
proudly
says, "Had him circumcised "
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Riddle Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get
back
from the drugstore?
A: Prints of darkness.
Q: Why do barbers make good drivers?
A: Because they know all the short cuts.
Q: Why don't deaf people bungee jump?
A: Because they haven't heard about it.
Q: What is a hermaphrodite?
A: A bisexual built for two.
Q: What did Helen Keller get for her birthday?
A: Polio.
Q: Why do ballerinas wear leotards?
A: So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits.
Q: What's difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: After the flash on his camera malfunctioned, what did Satan get
back
from the drugstore?
A: Prints of darkness.
Q: Why do barbers make good drivers?
A: Because they know all the short cuts.
Q: Why don't deaf people bungee jump?
A: Because they haven't heard about it.
Q: What is a hermaphrodite?
A: A bisexual built for two.
Q: What did Helen Keller get for her birthday?
A: Polio.
Q: Why do ballerinas wear leotards?
A: So they don't stick to the floor when they do the splits.
Q: What's difference between a microwave and anal sex?
A: A microwave won't brown your meat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar
show? "
"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's
entirely up to you......"
~~~~~
A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to
work. The little girl asks, "Why do you call your secretary a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my
secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't
believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her
eyes when you lay her down."
~~~~~
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as
part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking
some
questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband
sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby
and
tend to several other children milling around her, "Oh yes", he
sighed,
"Every time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hand Up
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Good Husband
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Gunfighter
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Guterbike
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Love
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Hair Piece
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Hang Onto That Pole
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cajun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cockfights
being held in the area around Crowley and sent their famous
detective Boudreaux to investigate.
Boudreaux reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree
main groups in dis rooster fightin'" he began.
"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.
Boudreaux replied confidently, "de Texas Aggies, de Cajuns, and
de Mafia."
Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one
night?"
"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in
person. I knowed dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered
in the fight."
The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"
Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved
when summbody bet on de duck."
"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was
involved?"
"De duck won."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
cans
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A taxi cab whore out at Ivor
Did the round trip for a fiver
Quite reasonable too
For a sightsee and screw
With a fifty pence tip to the driver.
A young steeplejack named Gauer,
Needed relief high atop of a tower.
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Or we'll receive an unwelcome shower."
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a man and his wife were both brutally killed by a car
accident
and they both went to heaven.when they got to heaven they found a
long
queue and the man, little Johnny asked his friend Paul what the
queue
was for. He told him that they were all waiting for their turn to be
given cars...and the issuing of the cars was done in such a way that
you
were given a car based on whether you were faithful to your wife on
earth or not...and being given given a beautiful and classy car,
like a
pajero meant that you were very faithful whereas being given an ugly
car
meant you were not all faithful.little Johnny got his chance and was
given a very, very beautiful car.
On his way to show off to his friends he saw the shock of his life
he
went to see his friends with a very sad face.then Paul asked him, my
friend you should be celebrating because you have been very faithful
to
your wife and God knows that. Then he said "why should I be
celebrating,
I just saw my one and only wife on roller skates pass by..........
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive an
Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program.
I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
China
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetable's, it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day.
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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