Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A little two parter from the archives to give my brain a rest.
Does everyone know what month September is? It's National Head Lice
Awareness Month. Over the past few weeks we have gotten little
Johnny
or Mary settled into his beautiful classroom with well-groomed
little
kids that look like the ads for Wal-mart or Penny's and everything
is
cool. The children are doing great , you met the teacher at Open
House and she is remarkable and then a note comes home addressed
from
the school. First thought is," What are they accusing my little
sweetheart of doing?" Second thought as you open the envelope is
more
realistic, like, " I hope Johnny didn't try telling dirty jokes that
he got from that buffalo like he did in homeroom last year." Then
you
are floored. The note is from the principal or school nurse and one
of your children's classmates is infected with head lice and the
whole class is probably infected from playing together. Included in
the envelope is an instruction pamphlet modeled after one they use
in
the State Prisons that is 100% effective. Next thought that enters
your mind is, "I hugged the children this morning.", and your scalp
begins to itch from the suggestion and pretty soon you have both
hands in your hair digging as imaginary bugs bore holes through your
scalp. This is awful long so you will have to wait till tomorrow for
the rest of the story. Enjoy the chips...buffalo heh heh .
buffalo says I spent some time with Nancy yesterday and she was
showing off her scar which took 25 staples to close. Looks a little
big for removing a kidney, heck it looks like you could pull a 2
liter
of Pepsi out through it, but what do I know. Anyhow she was sitting
up
in good spirits and trying to sort through her email between family
and friends stopping by to see her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Men Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cues and Clues to bag the male
Never do housework.
No man ever made love to a woman
because the house was spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man -
unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep
with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should
be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too
little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well -
they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to
suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him check books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually,
"Oh all right, I'll stay the night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women,
they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that
you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no,
you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him,
"You may be, you look familiar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Castro Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells
him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how,
does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left
his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll
send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.
St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they
should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more
than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a
drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs
with
us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door
said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the
heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave
me a Chihuahua?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four women in our provider relations department. He was
having problems with the computer, so the ladies went back to their
office until he could get the program pulled up. I was not aware of
any of this, so I was a little shocked when I walked in the office
door, and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway, "Hurry
up
girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!"
One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived
body. "Hey,
Joe! You've got to see this shit.", says Chester . "You know that
good
looking blonde they just brought in. well she has a shrimp stuck up
her cunt" "This I've got to see." responds Joe. After examining
the
body Joe says, "That's not a shrimp Chester." "It's not? Well what
the hell is it?" asks Chester. "It's her clit." says Joe. To which
Chester replies, "Well it sure tastes like shrimp."
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head,
fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet
and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried
downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast
on
the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so
fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my god," his wife
gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over early and had
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a
while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The
mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen
years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
School Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins
and only because they haven't had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel
like smoking something a whole lot stronger.
4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to
drink.
6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a
hooker, it is still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in
tuition.
10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex.
At school your teachers screw you regardless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gunfighter Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young cowboy entering a saloon recognized an elderly man standing
at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being one of the
fastest guns in the West. He moved next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his ambition to be the fastest
gun.
' Do you think you could give me some tips? '
The old man looked him up and down and said ' Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower
down
on your leg. '
Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' Sure will."
He did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow
tie off the piano player.
' That's terrific! Got any more tips for me? '
' Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That ' ll give you a smoother draw ' .
' Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.
He took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
' Wow! I'm learning ' something here. Got any more tips? '
The old man pointed to a corner of the saloon. ' See that axle
grease
over there? Coat your gun with it. '
He went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel
of his gun.
' No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all. '
' Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to
shove that gun up your ass, and it'll go in a whole bunch easier.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Movie Clips
Only Want Sex
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Pool
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Sensitivity Training
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Sexy Hair Dressing Gown
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Shitty Day At The Gym
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Best Wave Ever
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Immigrant Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. 'Hey, how much you charge
for one hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
With a heavy accent he says 'Do you do Immigrant Style?'
'No,' she says.
'I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style.'
'No', she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.
'I pay you $300.'
'No', she says.
'I pay you $400.'
'No', she says.
So finally he says, 'OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style.'
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've
had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
How bad could Immigrant Style be?'' So she agrees and has sex with
him.
They do it in every kind of way . Finally, after several hours, they
finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting.. But that was good. So what
exactly is 'Immigrant Style'?'
The illegal immigrant replies, 'You send bill to Government.'
Patricia
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
bull2
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bunnies
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bunnies censors
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bunny sex
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man named Mike.
Who sported an enormous spike.
His girl said with a grin,
"It's hard to get in,
But that's the size that I like"
There once was a woman from Hoboken,
Who claimed her cherry was broken,
From riding a bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin'!
There once was a woman from Arden,
Who sucked off her man in a garden.
He said, "My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
And she said, "MMMMMNG, I beg your pardon?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler
ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy is on a tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the
first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise. "The hiss is the
rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The
popping
sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later,
the
tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.
The
machine makes a
noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!' "Wait a minute!" says
the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but
what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says
the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't
be
good for the condoms!" "True, but it's great for the baby-bottle
nipple
business!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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