THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
"Christmas is not a time nor a season,
but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill,
to be plenteous in mercy,
is to have the real spirit of Christmas."
Calvin Coolidge
GOOD MORNING POSTMAN FANS!
This day and age, it is supposed
to be a good thing when you are
"politically correct." I have never
been able to achieve such a thing,
probably because I do not understand
the concept. I do not wish folks
"a happy holiday." No thanks. I guess
I am just never ever gonna used to it,
inspite of my daughter's best efforts
at educating "the old fart." So I
shall say, "I love you daughter,"
And, as I have always done
to all of you, my readers,
I say "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially Martin aka the postman
______________
THE COMICS
if you ask me
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f040.html
the first lay of Christmas
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f041.html
Santa is coming
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f042.html
that's gotta hurt
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f044.html
a candy cane
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f045.html
I got your letter
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f046.html
stopped to quick
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f047.html
Santa says
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f048.html
a little rough in the neighborhood
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/f049.html
__________
LETS GO TO THE MOVIES
space men carolers
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8705.html
Lizzy the lezzy celebrates Xmas
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8706.html
Santa Clause documentary
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8707.html
The Santa Song
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8708.html
Santa gets a DUI
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8709.html
Santa the stripper
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8710.html
Silent Night
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8711.html
funny Santa song
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies8712.html
_______________
A Senior Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.
________________
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed
a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and
since several of you have called me a "dirty son
of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done
something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The
Office Manager called me from the hospital today
and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this
way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer
speaking to everyone personally, but all of you
seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for
all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm
very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a
delightful woman, and my story of you buying her
for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of
my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours,
too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never
know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you
didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get
the glass jug off.To Mary, I express my deepest
regrets. In my own defence, I must remind you that
you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the
stairway as much as I did until the banister broke
and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing.
In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed
on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when
we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you
have ever had.Sam, you old cuss, you've just got
to forgive me for that little prank I played on you.
If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done
it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat
lady hadn't been standing right under the window
you jumped through. She really broke your fall a
lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who
turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no
way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it.
Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't
they? And the water is cold!!
Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening
the door to the broom closet suddenly must have
startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how
hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent
over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll
have to get together for dinner some night after
the dentist finishes your plates.
Mary, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all
your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed
out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I
want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't
remember where I hid them and you had to go home in
that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag
pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a
little drunk.To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's
panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes
me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her
because of it.Urinating in everyone's drink was in
bad taste, and not telling them about it until all
the drinks were gone was even worse.Now that I have
apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven.
Even though I no longer work there, I will do my darnest
to come to the picnic next Friday
______________
A Note from: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida,
North and South Carolina, New Mexico, Arizona,
Oklahoma, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Texas,
and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement,
who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares
my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds or a
moon pie on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake
of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and
Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety sticker
on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be
shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll
see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the
Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't always wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn
the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
_______________
TOP 10 USES FOR HOLIDAY FRUITCAKES:
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to US Air Force, let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer's garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.
__________________
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee
elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular
ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her
Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even
more..
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that
three of them were about to give birth and two others
had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he
began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the
toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup
of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard,
he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the
liquor cabinet. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all
over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the
mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa
marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little
angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said
very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel
on top of the Christmas tree.
______________
BUFFALO BILL
Swan
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdkjhsk.htm
Texas Shoot Out
http://www.buffaloschips.com/sdksk.htm
Things Men Will Do For A Cold Beer
http://www.buffaloschips.com/dssjssd.htm
THATS ALL FOLKS!
Have a nice day!
FROM:
Martin aka the postman
__._,_.___
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