[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Tues



Adult Adult

Join me in wishing a Herd Happy Birthday to SunAmy, one
of the longest contributors to the Chips

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

I have been doing a lot of reading on decomissioned ships lately
due to the recent decommissioning of the Kitty Hawk and the return
of the Intrepid to New York City after 120 million dollar
renovation.
We did a 15 month overhaul on the Constellation for less than that
including modifications to fly the then brand new F-14. Part of the
Intrepid money went for the building of a museum to house a
Concorde.

Those that remember my stories about the Constellation might
remember that I discovered a story I had been told regarding the
fire
during the building of the Constellation had led to the hull numbers
being switched was actually a hoax or and Urban Legend that
a lot of people including the newspapers believed. When I was
reading
about the Midway Class CV-41-43 that were built during WWII
I found something that may have helped make the Constellation
Host plausible. The story told how the Coral Sea CV-42 had
become the Franklin D. Roosevelt CV-42 when he died during
construction and the Coral Sea name was given to CV-43
Here is the article from Wikipedia.

Before May 8, 1945, the aircraft carrier CVB-42 had been known as
USS Coral Sea; after that date, CVB-42 was renamed in honor of
Franklin D. Roosevelt, the late President, and the name Coral Sea
was changed to CVB-43. What is unknown to this day is, what Coral
Sea's name was prior to her renaming in 1945. After further
investigation many believe the original name of CV 43 was USS Leyte,
because the name Leyte was given the same day to USS Crown Point
(CV-32).[citation needed] The following is a quote from the reply to
in inquiry made to: (Public Affairs Officer Naval Historical Center
Washington Navy Yard 805 Kidder Breese SE Washington, DC 20374-5060)
on 18 June 2008 regarding the name of CVB-43 prior to being named
USS Coral Sea. "When CVB-42 was renamed from USS Coral Sea to USS
Franklin D Roosevelt, no name for CVB-43 had been determined. So
there was no "original" name for the ship. From my study of the WWII
Navy and it's ship naming policies, my educated guess is that it
would have been named USS Okinawa when the CVE of that name was
cancelled on 11 August 1945."

Enjoy the chips..... buffalo

BTW I have the dreaded cold now and my head is in a fog so don't
be surprised by minor to major delays or mistakes.

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Viagra Chips
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DEAR DIARY


Day 1.

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary..... not much to
celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he
locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell
me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't
noticed.

Day 3.

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will
fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra,things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I
think this will work.I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping
to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.

What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing
that.

Day 7.

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday,
at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. Hubby
thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very
nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8.

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm
also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat
whisky!What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11.

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black
and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even
my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12.

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth
or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous ...

Day 13.

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going
to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that
"Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

Day 14.

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more
horny. Help me.

Day 15.

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I
sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come
over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself...and he
did.

Day 16.

The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the
bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the
Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Oh NO !!! here he comes again.

Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front
of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects
me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

Karl

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Aussie Chips
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Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's
magazine
"Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the " agony
aunt
with Balls"

Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I
am
beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been there
for
two months. A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when
they
are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months
which makes you one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers
are
good when you do an Abo as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos
too,
helps avoid bush rash.

Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old
girlfriend's vibrator on her. A. No worries. I've seen this before.
Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned
it
since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.

Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants
me
to do her mate. A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries
mate,
as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.

Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the
showers. Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls. A. Nah
mate
you're queer. Only queers play hockey.

Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we
have
sex. A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her
?

Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather
trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't
know
who to turn to. A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be
logical:
You're queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.

Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay. A.
Geez
mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word
Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf.. Jeez
guy,
men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her practice putting
with
your dick.

Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose.
What
do I do ? A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever
,ever admit to going with a kiwi.

Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex.
What is it ? A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up
next
to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather
than
wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is
when
you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.

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Short Chips
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Calling on an attractive coed, the theology professor asked, "Who
was
the first man?"

"If it's all the same to you, sir," replied the embarrassed
coed, "I'd rather not tell."

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out
peanuts and cokes to everyone.

There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance
to
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that
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in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.

Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your
drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

Jill was using a power strip to plug her computer and
other devices into. Windows was completely frozen, and
she was unable to shut down
the machine by using the power button. She phoned for computer help
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The tech told her to flip it off.

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Sheep Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aussie
Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs, The
float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank. "Typical
bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense, "They won't
go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt She'd
stay
there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out. But when he
reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free And in her
haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown. Her style was
unimpressive, her survival chances slim He saw no other option, he
would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks. He
jumped into the water and away that cocky swam He caught up with
her,
somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath She
showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then
round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed He
still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea But nor
was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe. And on
her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch The farmer yelling
wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

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Short Chips
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Jill: I had to break up with my boyfriend.... I caught him lying.

Mary: Isn't that a bit overboard Jill? At least give him a chance
to explain.

Jill: Oh no, I caught him lying.....in bed and on top
of another woman.

I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade
teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked,
"Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?" Which I
thought was a good question.

I said, "Only on Swedish women."

"My teacher is really giving me a rough time" Little Johnny told his
father.

"Well Johnny," said his father, "take special care with your
personal
appearance and attire, pay attention in class and do our assignments
and homework promptly, and you should be okay."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Little Johnny sighed. "She
told me during study break that she's three weeks overdue!"

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Fiancee Chips
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As Sadie and Irving are leaving the mall, they see their neighbor's
son
Paul and his fiancee Sharon just going in.

"Did you see that? " Sadie says.

"See what?" asks Irving, pretending not to know what Sadie is
referring
to.

"Paul's fiancee, that's who," Sadie says, "She's dressing all wrong.
She's probably 37-23-35 and with

big breasts like hers, she shouldn't be wearing such a skimpy see
through top. And such a tight leather skirt she's wearing - I don't
know
how she can breathe properly. And it's so short, it make her legs

look too long. I know she's got a beautiful face but I don't think
blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe me, Irving, that marriage won't
last
more than 1 year."

With a deep sigh, Irving replies, "Please God I should have such a
year."

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Pagan Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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....your sister-in-law asked to incorporate a salute to Diana at the
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....you've had to be reminded more than once that the term is
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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Let's try it this new way," said Jack
As he winked at the girl in the sack.
She turned and she grunted,
"I should be affronted,
But this time I'm taken aback!"

A young man from a lofty sierra
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But he met with a lass
In a similar pass
And they both learned--by trial and error.

An ingenious botanist named Pace,
Grew cunts in pots at his place.
When they ripened, he'd pluck 'em
And eat them or fuck them--
They were simpler to grow than to chase.
<Snagged by>
Ross

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Parting Chips
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A woman who plays cards one night a month with
a group of friends was concerned that she always
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11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seems appropriate considering the timing.....

While out campaigning, Old John stopped at a small village and
started
looking around for a stand to make his speech from. All he could
find
was a big pile of horse manure, so he climbed up on that and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the first time I have ever made a
Republican speech from a Democratic platform.

Randy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From BJ in G uthrie

I was out of pocket last week because I had a serious seizure
Wednesday
that kept me out of work Thursday and Friday. I had cuts on my arm,
leg
head and brusing on the right side of my body. What made it bad was

Diana was in Texas and my dogs were outside. It took me thirty
minutes
once I was awake to get off the floor. Dear sweet Sandi was my
constant
companion since. I have slept 15 - 17 hours a day recovering from
this
ordeal. I probably need to get back on phenobarbitol. Sandi will
not leave
my side and is very protective. A friend brought over cookies and
Sandi
would not allow them to get within 20 feet of me. Very protective.
I was supposed to be in the film Sunday but could not, too bruised
and
supposed to be in it Wednesday, but I am done. I need to rest. My
vacation time is fading fast. Sorry about the Katie Kolumns, I will
resume
those tomorrow, maybe today. Diana did get in the movie Monday and
she
will be in it tomorrow.

BJ in Guthrie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 269.23.21/1456 - Release Date:
5/20/2008 6:45 AM

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To Subscribe send a blank email to Buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@egroups.com

To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com

Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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Funzine - Adult Cartoons 1

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[PostmansCorner] The Postman's Corner

 
 
THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
 
 
 


Money can't buy you happiness, but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
      ~Spike Milligan
 
 
 



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I don't know about you, but I am confused about all this talk
on the economic crisis. In fact, I confess that as a simple man
I do not understand the stock market and this so called "buy out" or "rescue" or whatever
plan. Kindof interesting, I found an explanation that puts the
stock market into perspective for us...

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and
announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys
around, went out to the forest, and started catching
them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply
started to diminish, the villagers stopped their
effort. He further announced that he would now buy
at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people
started going back to their farms. The offer increased
to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little
that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone
catch it! The man now announced that he would buy
monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the
city on some business, his assistant would now buy on
behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the
villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage
that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at
$35 and when the man returns from the city, you can
sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded
up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only
monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock
market works.


We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially
Martin aka the postman

http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/g1020.jpg
_______________

The Comics

30-60 days
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/b001.html
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/jsw/g1021.jpg


LETS GO TO THE MOVIES

Bill Engvall and the Thunderbirds
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies2963.html
 
 
 
 
Strangers on a train: Alfred Hitchcock
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/da/movies2967.html
 
 
 
 
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==============================
 

Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
___________
 
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other
in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you
doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated,
and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But
you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"
"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.
____________
 
A Coney Island caballero met a girl at a neighborhood dance. 
They hit it off well together, and when the evening ended they
left together.  Much to his chagrin, his lady friend bade him a cheery
'good night' and signalled for a cab.  But he was not to be put off that
easily. "Look, baby," he said. "Let me take you home."  "Well... 
"Come on, honey. I promise not to hug you, kiss you, make a pass,
or try to have an affair with you. I'll be a perfect gentleman." 
"Brother," she began, opening the taxi door,
"you've just talked yourself out of a Hell of a date."
____________
 
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the
bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over
and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds
in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk
does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the
hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks
loike a grand place, he?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good,"
replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I
git to go first, he Paddy?"  says Gerry. He then takes two birds out
of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight
down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks
over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat,
dis budgie jumpin' is Too fockin' dangerous for me"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop
and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot
out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand,
Seamus is carrying a gun. Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says
and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as
half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's
head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!,
as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head
and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the
familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out
of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was
Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and
now you blimmin' hen gliding"
____________
 
Every weekend before she went out on a date, the young
girl was told by her mother,
"Remember dear, when he tries to touch you a certain
way, a girl's best friends are her legs."
Much to her mother's dismay however, several weeks
later her daughter announced that she was pregnant.
"What! How did it happen? Didn't I tell you that your
best friends are your legs?"
"You did, Mama," she replied. "But there comes a time
when even best friends must part."
___________

BUFFALO BILL

Farmplay
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22420.htm
 
 
 
 
Cat or hubby                    
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Elvis vs. Godzilla                         
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FUN PAGES FROM LORRAINE
 
 
Amazing Personality Test
http://tinyurl.com/3nytop
 
Severe Pain in the Butt
http://tinyurl.com/4bh6gj
 
THAT'S ALL FOLKS
Have a nice day
FROM:
Martin aka the postman
 
 
 







 

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[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips ForMon



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Buffy is a house guest at the moment. There is a really nasty cold
that everyone seems to be getting that is accompanied by a sore
throat and almost flu like body aches, well Buffy has it. That means

that in addition to watching Eva, Sandy is now playing nurse to
Buffy. I suspect Sandy will have it next and then Buffy will run
back
home. Oh well that's the way life is, I guess they are your children

forever.

I had another blood test/ Doctor appointment today and it is
beginning
to get a little monotonous, this once a week thing. There is one
thing that
I really appreciate about our hospital and that is Valet Parking. I
don't use
it if I can find a spot in the hospital lot but the secondary
parking is a
parking garage about a block away. Normally I would be a bit
embarrassed
to ask someone to park my car let alone a Yooper car that has more
rust than body but these people are so friendly I never thought
twice about it.
They even locked the car which is something that probably hasn't
been
done since the car was new. Who is going to steal a 1994 Sunbird,
even
if it does get good gas mileage? I do really appreciate what they do
though
because the nerve damage in my back and loss of feeling in my feet
makes it harder to walk even short distances when I never used to
even
worry about walking even 10 miles not that many years ago.

I am upset that the banking bailout bill didn't pass the house
today. It
wasn't the best possible to either side and didn't change the
regulations
that allowed it to happen in the first place but you have to put the
fire
out and worry about installing a sprinkler system after you make
sure
you have a building left. There is too much to be lost through
inaction
all the way from jobs unable to meet payroll to possibly the
collapse of
the Social Security System. The price of gas dropped today as people
shied away from the commodities market but if this causes a
devaluation
of the dollar how long will it take till the Saudis are getting 200
for a
barrel of oil. How much is your 300,000 dollar home going to be
worth
when the house next door was bought up in a fire sale for 20 cents
on
the dollar and they can afford to sell it for 150,000 at a 150%
profit.
It is all pretty dismal and there is plenty of blame to go around
but please
somebody fix it.

Enjoy The Chips
buffalo

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Married Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor.  First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what
seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone.  It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.  The
counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her
crazy.  She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be
the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that
are driving her crazy.  First, you're always acting strange in
public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand!  It's one of
the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore
I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! 
He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge
in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw
up!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

Hip Hop Rapper
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm "> Here!</a>

How To Get Your Husband To Do Housework
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm "> Here!</a>

Seeing Eye Dog
http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm
<a href=" http://www.buffalosjokes.com/22415.htm "> Here!</a>

hospital food
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hey James
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All I am saying
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/a143.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Orator Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great Orators of the Democratic Party

. "One man with courage makes a majority."
--attributed to Andrew Jackson

. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
--Franklin D. Roosevelt

. "The buck stops here."
--Harry S. Truman

. "Ask not what your country can do for you;
ask what you can do for your country."
--John F. Kennedy

... and for todays democrates ...

"It depends what your defination of "IS' 'IS""..?
-Bill Clinton

"That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off."
-Jesse Jackson

"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sancity of marriage."
-John Edwards

"I invented the Internet"
-Al Gore

"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious,
I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***."
- Joe Biden


"America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what
it was once was .. uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want
that future,uh uh for my children.' '"
-Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states.
-Barack Obama

"You don't need God anymore, you have us democrates."
- Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one
is more faithful, true, and honest than he."
- Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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London Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

London Underground Driver Announcements.

Those of you who suffer the underground (subway) will find this a
laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers.

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentlemen...unfortunately towels are not
provided'.

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably
won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall...."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about
things like that"

"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy
things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".

"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but
is infact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was
under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but
'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the
driver..."

'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.

"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla that had a stop
at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting so he
managed to slip away and started wandering around by himself.

Feeling the urge to pee, he looked around for some privacy. He
hid behind a bush and took a leak on the wall of the chapel.

While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior came around
the corner and surprised him.

"OH! I am soooo sorry!" he said in embarrassment.

"It's OK," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's... You
know. Could I take a closer look?"

A nun asking to see his unit freaked out the tourist but it was
kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell.

The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away
she said,

"You know, I always wanted to touch one. Would you mind...?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really
excited. Who else could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
experience?" the nun requested.

The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took
down his pants.

The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,
and said...

"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE)
walls (SQUEEZE) again!!!!!!!!!!!"

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Language Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that
some individuals throughout the company have been
using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner
without risk of offending our more sensitive
employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
> > > TRY SAYING:
> He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Fart Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When It's Okay To Fart In Public:

 
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~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.

~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
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~^~ While parachuting.

~^~ While scuba diving.

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~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.

~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.

~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
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~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go

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~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.

~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends

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Printable Crafts for Kids
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Menopause
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Diabetic Recipes
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

Registry Edits for Windows XP "Tweaks and Tips" From Dave E
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Bubble Backgrounds
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p

Firewall Test, Port Scan
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Kitty Korner
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Pole Dancer Bites The Dust
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Prostate
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Prostate Exam
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Baby Dog Duet
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Bad Ass Police Dog
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Bad Ass Texas Rabbit
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Osama Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The list of top 10 'famous last words' by Bin Laden

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and the number one famous last words:

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forehead?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a man from Australia,
Who had extra-large genitalia.
He said to his bride,
"Don't try to hide,
Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya."

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a meeting last week of the Executive Council of an organization
to which
I belong, several of the members began a bickering before the start
of the
meeting. They were talking and complaining about several of the
members not
discussing various information needed by all members and retaining
silence
about a variety of important factors.

One of the members, a woman, spoke in a somewhat authoritative voice
and
said, "I agree with all that has been said and I think that everyone
would
be more observant about the needs and interests of the remainder of
the
Council Anyone of you can ask me any question and I will respond
telling you
the complete truth.

One of the men asks her, "What size bra do you wear?"

She glared at him momentarily and in a harshly toned voice said,
"Shut up!!!
That's none of your business!! I'll never tell!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slim Clip is the amazing new double-sided money clip that holds up
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into
the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and
the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a
vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny
male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen
dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the
heck are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen
dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird,
closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the
curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage
with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her
feathers.

He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is BIG: You can save up to 60% on gas each year
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... tap water!!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you like playing the slot machines I have
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-> and many other things...

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Checked by AVG.
Version: 8.0.100 / Virus Database: 269.23.21/1456 - Release Date:
5/20/2008 6:45 AM

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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