Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I don't know what it is about holidays and appliances but
my kitchen stove is having issues again and parts to repair
the oven won't be in till next week. It all started about ten days
ago when the pilot went out on the oven while they were
changing the window in the front of my apartment. I relit it
but sandy said she was smelling gas when she tried using it
so after checking it out I called the appliance dealer and they
said they would send someone and he finally made it there on
Tuesday after canceling a couple of times. He tried telling
me that the gas was my imagination. When it fire up the second
time you could hear a whoosh and smell a large cloud of gas coming
out of it. The safety valve that controls the burner is shot and of
course even though the stove is less than 10 years old they didn't
have the part in stock and no rebuilt or cheaper stoves to replace
it with. I originally got this stove when two of them failed at
Thanksgiving
time 10 years ago. The first one the oven no longer would turn off
and the second one was a huge one the landlord had and it worked
once and the oven valve died on it.
I found a way around the problem though and accepted Nancy's
invite for dinner and hopefully it will be working right for New
Years.
Sav-a-lot had a fantastic deal on standing rib roasts and I got one
for
New Years. These had the rack of ribs remove from the bottom
making them boneless which means you get more for your money
but I do like the left over ribs and meat which I cook in Sweet Baby
Ray's Barbecue sauce and make barbecued sandwiches. Some
consider that a sacrilege for prime rib but whatever tastes good.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Gift Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My Christmas Gift.
We were a poor family and it was a bone-chilling cold winter.
My Daddy asked me what I wanted for Christmas. Knowing full-well
that "Santa" couldn't afford the new bicycle I really wanted, I
answered, "Well, Dad, I'd like a new pair of corduroy pants and
something small to play with, if that's okay."
Impatiently, I waited for Christmas morning and of course, I
couldn't race downstairs until I could hear Mom and Dad stirring
around down there, getting breakfast going.
Cautiously, I crept down the stairs and looked over the banister
rail at our lovely (but scantily decorated) Christmas tree. I could
see at least one box that I was sure was for me!
Trying my best not to rush over to the tree to confirm my hopes, I
went into the kitchen and after we finished breakfast, Mom suggested
we go into the front parlor and see what Santa had brought us. Mom
could tell I was itching to see my gift, so it was the first box she
distributed. Sure enough, it was the box I spied on my way
downstairs earlier.
I eagerly tore off the (re-used) wrapping paper and the little
home-made bow, lifted the lid and....
There was the most magnificent pair of dark brown corduroy pants I'd
ever seen!
Mom said, "Try them on, Son, and see if they fit you."
I whisked off my pajama bottoms and pulled on my new pants. "Did
Santa bring me something small to play with?" I asked.
Dad said, "Well, Son, put your hands in the pockets of them there
new pants!"
I did as directed. The bottoms of both pockets had been cut out!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Ferrari
http://www.sydesjok
Fetch
http://www.sydesjok
Fetch Stick
http://www.sydesjok
chemistry
http://www.thepostm
OHHHH PAPA!
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complain
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How 'bout
some relaxing oral sex, honey? Only $50." "No way!" I responded.
"I'm married!!!" "So??? What difference does that make?" asked the
hooker. So I told her, "The difference is.... My wife will do it for
only $35."
And then there was the diner who didn't believe in flying saucers
until he goosed a waitress!
Maternity is a matter of fact, paternity is a matter of opinion.
I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child. It
occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples
that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid
taunting another when he says "My Mom can lick your Mom any time."
Paramedics rescued a 40 year-old man who got his manhood stuck in
the vacuum cleaner. The man stated his relationship with his vacuum
cleaner was purely sexual - he didn't want any attachments.
Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit
to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can
and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go
all night!" Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar
on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he
sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his
utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm
quicker than ever. The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop,
angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff
makes me worse than before!" Upon reading the label, the clerk asks,
"I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did
you?" "Yeah, so?" "You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this
is Easy-Off."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cajun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS (CAJUN STYLE)
Day 1
Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las
night
with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would
grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.
Day 2
Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got
was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made
some gumbo out of dem.
Day 3
Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating
dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs.
Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog,
Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her
fighting rooster.
Day 4
Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four,
what you call "calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all
da' way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed
the rest of dem to the gators.
Day 5
Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden
rings, me. I hocked dem at da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough
money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for
da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge.
Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6
Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor
egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try
to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem
goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da' house, though.
I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on
Christmas Day.
Day 7
Dear Emile, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you.
Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap
from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone
will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan
loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from
Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8
Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mail-
boat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows
got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat.
I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work
gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't
in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all
dem nutria I caught las night.
Day 9
Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da
Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-
leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted
a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I
says, "Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon
Dieux, Emile, what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too
snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.
Day 10
Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't
kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from
Bourbon Street. Dey said they be "ladies dancing" but they
doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey
almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over
by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le
monde (everybody) and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog
wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Day 11
Dear Emile, Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping
arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got
off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jumbalaya, finished
da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new mailman
drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time
dancing with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the
Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen
to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don't
open it.
Day 12
Dear Emile, Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love
anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacques, the
head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen's club
on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies dancing can make
$20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet
park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I
trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run
my shrimping business. We'll probably gross a million dollars
next year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scrooge Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Might Be A Scrooge If...
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin,
vodka and bourbon - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers
away - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells
gas - you just might be a Scrooge.
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson
- you just might be a Scrooge.
If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night- you just
might be a Scrooge.
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer.and a cheese
log - you just might be a Scrooge.
If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie - you just
might be a Scrooge.
If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin - you just
might be a Scrooge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dog Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What Not To Get Your Dog At Christmas
A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.
A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother
who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.
A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to
confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.
Central A/C for his Dogloo when you're still using individual wall
units
that
are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.
Anything Garfield.
A remote control for the refrigerator door.
A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho Doberman look like a
poodle.
A deluxe prepackaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that's large
enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.
Doggie antlers when your nearsighted hunting relatives will be
spending the holidays with you.
A stuffed toy dog with an angel's halo as a hint as to what he has
to do to get more presents next year.
A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.
An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so
much
during
retakes that he actually gains weight.
A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to
wear.
His own Petsmart credit card.
A cat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax ,Nova Scotia, when he asks the
audience
for some quiet.Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment... "Well,
Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin' clappin',
then!"
Debi and Jeni meet for lunch and Jeni is very, very noticeably
upset.
"What's wrong Jeni," asks Debi.
"My doctor just called me and tells me I am pregnant. I can't be
pregnant!
I've never been married, I don't have any boyfriends, I've never
even
been
near a man except.... OHHH wait...
That damn lifeguard told me it was a new form of artificial
respiration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Silent Night
http://silverandgol
Rick w/ A Christmas Hymn
http://www.wtv-
Marlene/Oh Holy Night
http://summerhoosie
Christmas Chimes
http://wandascountr
WE THREE KINGS
http://www.wtv-
Joan w/ Walk in Wonderland
http://alongpoetryr
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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Surfin Surfari
How to trick your Brain Via Wesley
http://tinyurl.
Thingsyousawinamovi
http://www.thingsyo
NORAD Track Santa
http://www.noradsan
Christmas Time
http://www.carolspo
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....
Press here to get your copy:
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
A Christmas Tribute To The Troops
http://www.josdream
Irish ~ Silent Night
http://jozeemae2.
WE THREE KINGS
http://www.wtv-
Little Drummer Boy
http://www.wtv-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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on an intimate date this weekend with a beautiful single woman or
man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
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PRESS HERE to meet single women or men this week for an intimate
date:
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AND THE ANGELS CRIED/MARLENE
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I Pray Via Carol
http://ecards.
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Movie Links
2 Roosters
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36 Hour Cialis
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3 Condoms Please
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5
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Pigeon
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Ping Pong
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Ping
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Piscina
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Rabbit VS Snake
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Rally Flip
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Political Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to tell a Democrat from a Republican
during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by
how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the
holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the
Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at
a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving
them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled
wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog.
Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night
television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart.
So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political
statement. Republicans give their children gifts that will keep
them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns.
Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating
the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats
save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the
scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they
buy before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey
gifts.... and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the
festive season. Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent,
wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their
Christmas Cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages
them from doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls".
Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by
a Reindeer." Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White
Christmas." Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White
Christmas".
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week
before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Democratic men
like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers
fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians". Democrats don't either, as long as the
Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans
when they stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Democrats became Democrats because
they never stopped believing in Santa Claus...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
ceremony
http://www.buffalos
champagne
http://www.buffalos
charm toon
http://www.buffalos
charmin
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cheap
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Emery Cat is The Fun New Kitty Scratcher That Actually Grooms
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Packet of catnip
Bonus De-shedder
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Holiday Limericks from Celebrities
Charlie Sheen:
It's the holiday season, I know,
So after doing a few lines of "snow,"
I'll be sufficiently high
To head downtown and buy
My 3 favorite gifts: Ho, ho, ho.
Dennis Miller:
Since my rhetoric often belittles,
This Christmas I offer acquittals.
I will pay more attention,
And eschew condescension
Of what others' opinions... hey, Skittles!
Monica Lewinsky:
For Christmas, I wanted to go
Back to my old job -- but you know,
As an intern, I'm spent,
'Cause this new president
Has a new definition of "blow."
Stephen King:
Here in Maine, the long winters serene,
Turn to white everything that was green.
But a Christmastime fest
Just makes me depressed.
How much longer till it's Halloween???
The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille
<Thanks, Stan>
____________
A young man from a lofty sierra
Found sex both a puzzle and terror.
But he met with a lass
In a similar pass
And they both learned--by trial and error.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mini Sewing Machine
Mini Sew-Wonder is the new cordless sewing machine. It's as powerful
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Get the job done with Mini Sew-Wonder.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 10 Excuses Made by Innkeepers in Bethlehem...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment
anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
1. No last names, no service.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dryer Maid Dryer Ball
Get rid of pet hair from clothes, sheets and towels while they
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP FIVE REASONS THE ELVES ARE IN A BAD MOOD
1. Santa blasting the song "Short People" over the
PA system again.
2. Herbie the Dentist out of Novocain again.
3. Only clothing store within 40 miles of the North Pole
is a Big & Tall shop.
4. Too short to ride any of the rides at Disneyland.
5. The company basketball team has lost their 395th
straight game.
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Tushee Comforter is the alternative to just placing a towel on
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and heat, while never falling off or blowing away. The Tushee forms
a secure pocket over any seat and can be adjusted to any width or
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Throw away those chair covers! Put down a TUSHEE. The multipurpose,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1745
Christmas 2009 (cont)
Inside, the group are hastened to meet ... yes Santa.
Thud!
Katie: I will get the smelling salts.
A few minutes later....
Tami: I had this dream... I was home and then the door bell rang
and..
ACK, it is you.. SANTA!!
Santa: Yes, dear. It is I. Hello little Tami. I have that
special thing
you wanted when you were seven years old.
Tami: You do, but I quit believing in you.
Santa: But I never quit believing in you, my little girl. Here,
take this.
Tami opens the present...: It is my own special little doll, with
my name
on it. Thank you Santa.
They hug... >>>>><<<<<
Santa: Now you four must be off. I will have the elves load your
UPS
truck with the toys.
Tami: The UPS van is not large enough to hold the toys for all the
world.
Santa winked: It is magic. The bag is never empty my little girl.
Tami: But how can we do this before morning.
To be Continued
the herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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