Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I want to thank everyone for the kind words and for sharing your
lives
and humor with me over the past year. It is always a pleasure after
I have brushed aside the annoyances of the day to open my mailbox
and hear from you. I am ready to face the new year and hope that
you will all be beside me as we see what the next 365 days have
in store. There will be hopes and dreams, tears and fears, and
change galore but with each other for strength and humor in our
hearts we will make it or end up in Heaven trying. Welcome to 2010.
For those who have waited 31 days to see what we have to give
us reason to imbibe or take a moment to rest and contemplate
here is this month's list of weird holidays.
1 New Year's Day
1 First Foot Day
1 Polar Bear Swim Day
1 First Cheese Factory Opened
2 Drinking Straw patented
3 Festival of Sleep Day
3 National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
4 Trivia Day
4 Tennis Day
4 Flower Basket Day
4 National Spaghetti Day
5 National Whipped Cream Day
5 Bird Day
6 Bean Day
7 Old Rock Day
7 Panama Canal Day
7 Typewriter Patented
8 Rock 'n' Roll Day
8 First Computer Patented
10 Peculiar People Day
10 Volunteer Fireman's Day
11 Secret Pal Day
11 International Thank You Day
11 Pharmacist's Day
11 National Milk Day (milk delivered in bottles for first time-1878)
12 Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
13 Make Your Dreams Come True Day
13 Stephen Foster Memorial Day
14 National Dress Up Your Pet Day
15 Hat Day
15 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Birthday (born 1929)
16 Hot and Spicy Food International Day
16 Religious Freedom Day
16 National Fig Newton Day
16 National Nothing Day
17 Pig Day
17 Ben Franklin's Birthday (born 1706)
18 Winnie the Pooh Day
19 National Popcorn Day
19 Archery Day
19 Robert E. Lee's Birth Anniversary (born 1807)
20 Cheese Day
20 Basketball Day 21 Hat Day
21 National Hugging Day
23 National Handwriting Day
23 National Pie Day
23 Measure Your Feet Day
24 National Peanut Butter Day
24 Eskimo Pie Patent Day (by Christian Nelson in 1922) 24 Gold
discovered in California (Sutter's Mill in 1848)
24 National School Nurse Day
25 Opposite Day
25 Observe the Weather Day
26 National Popcorn Day
26 National Peanut Brittle Day
27 National Chocolate Cake Day
27 Australia Day (the day Sydney, Australia was settled in 1778)
27 National School Nurse Day
28 National Kazoo Day
28 Bald Eagle Day
29 National Rattle Snake Roundup Day
29 National Puzzle Day
29 National Corn Chip Day
30 Escape Day
31 National Popcorn Day
31 National Backwards Day
Enjoy the chips ... buffalo
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over 50 Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Citizens,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, I, President Obama, have decided to implement a scheme to
put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered
for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may
be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as I,
President Obama deem appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel
Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by me, President Obama.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. I, President
Obama have always prided myself on the amount of SHIT I give our
citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
President Obama
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity,
gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the
End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
good sports
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/g020.html
one day in the park
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/g021.html
pinchin
http://www.thepostmanscorner.net/g022.html
Finger
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000657.html
Fire Hazard
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000658.html
Fire Hydrant
http://www.sydesjokes.com/toons/link000659.html
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Resolution Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TOP 12 NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS MADE BY PETS
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in
major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak
does
to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 6.
Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or
they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how
much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this
year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd -
December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pizza Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following appeared in the "Ask Isadora" column of our
local "alternative" newspaper for the week of April 6-12.... Isadora
is a "Sexologist" who publishes a Q&A column weekly. This is for
real-
-this is not a joke. This is not a test....
"Q. I am a healthy 30 year old male. My girlfriend and I enjoy a
happy, active sex life. Recently we discovered a new twist we both
enjoy. We bake an 8x10 foot pepperoni pizza in sections, assembling
it on our living room floor which is covered with sheets of black
plastic. My girlfriend goes into the living room, shuts off the
lights, and activates a life-sized animatronic figure of the pope
which stands at the end of the room. The pope's eyes light up and he
begins blessing the enormous pizza and my girlfriend, who reclines
thereon clad only in slices of cheese. I am outside the room at this
point and the doors are closed. I can hear the theme from ROCKY
being
played within as I wait, dressed as a huge clove of garlic. When the
music reaches its climax, I burst through the door and hurl myself
upon my girlfriend and we copulate madly at the feet of the robot
pope while I shout, 'Poperoni! Come on, Tony! Not a phony!
Poperoni!'
Anyway, my question is this: could garlic pizza sauce be hazardous
to
human genitalia? Could you recommend any particularly arousing
brand?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trans Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Transvestite definitions
Trans-sister - a cross-dressing nun
Transformation - A cross-dressing rocky outcrop.
Where do cross-dressing vampires come from? Transylvania.
What do cross-dressing steeples do? They transpire.
Transport - cds' favorite wine.
Transporter - cd wino.
Transfer - cd's politically-incorrect coat.
Transcontinental - rich cd's car.
Transmigration - pilgramage to San Francisco.
Transmute - A cd who can't speak
Transceiver - A cd's ham radio set.
Transmit - A cd's baseball glove.
Translate - A cd who's never on time.
A transvestite who abuses newsgroups? A crossposter.
Transformer - cd's ex-wife.
Transpose - what she caught him doing in front of the mirror.
Transcendental - cd tooth "fairy."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. "I'm really concerned," she
said. "The other day I found my daughter and the boy next door
together, naked, examining each other's bodies and giggling." The
psychiatrist smiled. "That's nothing to worry about, it's pretty
normal." "Well, I don't know," said the woman, "It worries me. It
worries my daughter's husband, too!"
A blonde's idea of safe sex is locking the car door.
The difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker is the nympho
says "You're done already?" the hooker says "Are you done yet?" and
the wife says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige!"
The firemen finally get a huge fire under control, and Chief Mattea
has all of his men accounted for except Olson and Rosolino. After a
few minutes' search, the chief looks down an alley, and there's
Rosolino, leaning over a trash can. His pants are down to his
ankles, and Olson is banging away from behind. Chief Mattea says,
"What the hell is going on?" Olson says, "Rosolino passed out from
smoke inhalation." The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You're
supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!" Olson says, "I
did, Chief. That's how this got started!"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT MEN SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER SEX
1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every
Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave ?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED
in
there!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@Yahoogroups.com
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Happy New Year (2010)
http://silverandgoldandthee.net/Nw.html
John w/ 2010 May You Always...
http://heavens-gates.com/newyears/
Carolyn w/ New Years Eve
http://carolynspreciousmemories.com/Holiday/NewYearsEve.html
Happy New Year To You...written by Ginny Bryant
http://www.alighthouse.com/newyear20.html
Happy New Year...Flash
http://www.angel9oh7.com/nypenguin1.html
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Now It's Your Turn To SCOOP UP some cash.
Wireless companies have accidentally stumbled and "opened up" an
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And here's everything they don't want you to know...
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Surfin Surfari
New year's Toasts
http://www.algeo.net/poetry/page25.html
SoYouWanna cure a hangover?
http://www.soyouwanna.com/site/syws/hangover/hangover.html
Hangovers and Hangover Cures And Remedies
http://www.rupissed.com/hangovercures.html
New Year's Eve New York
http://newyearseve.com/
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....so you need to get your copy today if you want one.
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
New Year's Eve Chicago
http://www.centerstagechicago.com/promos/nye/
Coast To Coast NYE Party
http://www.newyearsnation.com/
Earth Cam Times Square
http://newyears.earthcam.com/
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Listen, you will have no one but yourself to blame if you don't go
on an intimate date this weekend with a beautiful single woman or
man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
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PRESS HERE to meet single women or men this week for an intimate
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://dogs.about.com/od/caringfordogsandpuppies/qt/holidaysafety.ht
m
Kitty Korner
http://www.gigglezonegreetings.com/newyear.html
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Movie Links
Eric O Shea
http://www.buffaloschips.com/adfdr.htm
Escuta Essa
http://www.buffaloschips.com/athyuj.htm
Examendeprostata
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ajhhgjh.htm
Fairy Tale Ending
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ajuhu.htm
Farting In a Womens Toilet
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ajhjhui.htm
Fastest Gun Ever
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghjuhj.htm
Fed Ex
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gjkik.htm
Fests
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gkilo.htm
FFs
http://www.buffaloschips.com/ghjuik.htm
Hot Dog Chase
http://www.buffaloschips.com/gklok.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AARP Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those
wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they
enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Automatic Pilot
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jhgdw.htm
Waste Of Money
http://www.buffaloschips.com/i72y3.htm
Beer Babe
http://www.buffaloschips.com/jukyg78.htm
Abuse the force
http://www.buffaloschips.com/i7yglij.htm
Accident
http://www.buffaloschips.com/uyg78.htm
Ace
http://www.buffaloschips.com/iyhug78.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her.
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear! What a shame!
Well, now we shall have to start over."
___________________________________
A cock of a fellow named Randall,
Shot sparks like a big Roman candle,
He was much in demand,
For the colors were grand,
But most girls found him too hot to handle.
A wanton young lady from Wimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsim'le."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dryer Maid Dryer Ball
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RESOLUTION #1:
2004: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2005: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2006: I will read 5 books a year.
2007: I will finish The DiVinci Code.
2008: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2009: I will read at least one article this year.
2010: I will try and finish reading all the Humor List
submissions this
year.
RESOLUTION #2:
2004: I will get my weight down below 180.
2005: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2006: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below
200.
2007: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my
weight.
2008: I will work out 5 days a week.
2009: I will work out 3 days a week.
2010: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
2004: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2005: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2006: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2007: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by
2008.
2008: I will be totally out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2010.
2010: I will try to be out of the country by 2010.
RESOLUTION #4:
2007: I will try to be a better lover to Bob.
2008: I will not leave Bob.
2009: I will try for a reconciliation with Bob.
2010: I will try to be a better lover to Sean.
RESOLUTION #5:
2007: I will stop looking at other men.
2008: I will not get involved with Sean.
2009: I will not let Sean pressure me into another live-in
relationship.
2010: I will stop looking at other men.
RESOLUTION #6:
2007: I will not let my boss push me around.
2008: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of
suicide.
2009: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2010: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
RESOLUTION #7:
2007: I will not get upset when Marge makes jokes about my gray
hair.
2008: I will not get annoyed when Marge kids me about dying my
hair.
2009: I will not get angry when Marge tells the guys I wear a
girdle.
2010: I will not speak to Marge.
RESOLUTION #8:
2007: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2008: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2009: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2010: I will not miss any AA meetings.
RESOLUTION #9:
2007: I will see my dentist this year.
2008: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2009: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2010: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
RESOLUTION #10:
2007: I will go to church every Sunday.
2008: I will go to church as often as possible.
2009: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2010: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Tushee Comforter is the alternative to just placing a towel on
any chair, bench, or pool lounger. It protects against dirt, sweat,
and heat, while never falling off or blowing away. The Tushee forms
a secure pocket over any seat and can be adjusted to any width or
length to offer a soft comfortable seat. Relax and look stylish on a
soft plush Velour surface that provides real comfort. Plus, the
personalization makes it a pleasant surprise gift for him or her.
Throw away those chair covers! Put down a TUSHEE. The multipurpose,
adjustable, soft secure pocket that fits over any seat. Now you can
add a soft, 100% cotton Terry Lounge Cover, to any seat for extra
lounging comfort. Act now and take advantage of the Tushee 2X offer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling
them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone
can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their
hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away
from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says
the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was
contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!? Then she
notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the
class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and
my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting
her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was
going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says
to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 517
The Birthday Part 2
Diana: So what happened then?
Sandi: Rudy offered the police some beer.
Diana: Oh no!
Sandi: Oh yes. They were going to handcuff Rudy, until Katie
placed
them under a hypnotic spell and made them drink some beer.
Diana: That is worse.
Sandi: She made them act like chickens.
Diana: Oh dear.
Sandi: They would peck around the yard, drink some beer. Finally a
second police car came by and arrested the first two police men and
apologized for the behavior of the other officers.
Diana: I might need to come home.
Sandi: Everything is okay.
Diana: So where was dad during all this time?
Sandi: Oh yes Dad. I forgot to tell you about the Playboy
Playmates didn't I.
Diana: WHAT!!!!
Sandi: Just kidding mother. Dad was all tired out from moving his
mother and he was asleep downstairs and missed all the fun.
Diana: Fun?
Sandi: Well I have to go. The fire trucks are leaving.
Diana: Fire trucks?
Sandi: Oh, I forgot that part of the story.
To be continued
The herd in Guthrie
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Remember 9/11/01
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