Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Today we say good-bye to President Bush and welcome to
President Obama. For you on the left side of the aisle it is
like saying good-bye to a toothache and for you on the right
side of the aisle it is like saying hello to Hurricane Katrina.
Even though I am obnoxiously conservative I have accepted
a position in the center aisle and will keep my mouth shut till
I figure out where we are going. I personally hope that he is
successful and the advisors that he has assembled will be
able to pull the country out of this financial mess that we are in.
To President Bush I wish the best of luck. You did keep us
safe. Hopefully history will look on you a little more favorably.
I know we all like to joke about global warming this time of the year
but it is a lot warmer this winter than a lot of winters I have seen.
Winter of 1997 for example it was 30 below zero on Christmas Day
up here and it stayed cold all winter. The cold air with no snow on
the
ground shoved the frost deep and there were frozen water mains up
here that couldn't be thawed till June because they used plastic pipe.
We have barely gotten to -20 this year and only for a couple of days.
I do believe that we are experiencing strange weather patterns because
of global warming but unlike Al Gore I don't blame this on what we
are
doing but on natural cycles that Earth goes through. I think whatever
changes we make will be minimal and expensive at best. So to those
of you that have never seen cold before, enjoy it, no charge brought
to you by Mother Nature.
Eva had improved her computer skills immensely and knows where
to find music files and play them at full volume while I am asleep.
She
has also shown me many new settings in Outlook I never knew existed.
Fortunately I have been able to correct them all except a few minor
ones.
I guess I'll have to ask the paper clip guy for help with those.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Golf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were
running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They
found a repair garage nearby. The mechanic told them it would take
four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have
a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This
camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as
the light directs. So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs
and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of
miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of
us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look
at the three nuts on that camel!!'" When we got off to look, the
beast took off when the light turned green."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
a drinking problem
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rich or good lookin don't matter none
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the breakup
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Cram
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Full Of Shit
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No Touching
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bag Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little brown paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off
to the doctors. "Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little
paper bag.
"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a blood test
and see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."
The little brown paper bag felt no better when he got back for the
results.
"What's wrong with me?" asked the little brown paper bag. "I'm
afraid
you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.
"No, I can't be I'm just a little brown paper bag!" said the little
paper bag.
"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.
"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?
"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little brown paper bag!"
"Well," said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual relationship?
"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just little paper
bag!"
"Then there can be only one explanation.
mother must have been a carrier."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young camper at summer camp asked the chaplain if "hard on" was
hyphenated. The chaplain replies, "What in heaven's name are you
writing home about!" The young boy says, "I'm telling Mom and Dad
about the project we worked so 'hard on'."
~~~~~~~~
A priest and a rabbi are having a few drinks together. The priest
turns to the rabbi and says, "Hey rabbi, let's go find a couple of
alter boys and screw em!", to which the rabbi replies, with his hands
spread out, "Outta what?"
~~~~~~~~~
After the big Superbowl party, Doug figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom
and crawls into bed. "Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you
want me to run." "How about Foreplay?" his wife replies. "What's the
Four Play?" says Doug. "You know," the wife says, "It happens before
the two minute warning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a
funeral
home. One turns to the other and says: "Hey, you wanna go in for a
couple of cold ones?"
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people
are
fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that
we
are very attached to." "But, doctor," continued the troubled
patient,
"I feel, ummm... 'physically' attracted to my horse." "Hmmm," the
doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man
snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
I'm not saying she's easy, but her body has been declared a national
recreation area.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?" Kid: "Yeah, once
my
sister said she had missed one, and my mom fainted, dad had a heart
attack, & our neighbor ran away."
Constipation: To have and to hold.
Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his wedding night, so he
decided to seek the advice of his friend John. "Just relax, Bob,"
counseled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm. Just do it like
the
dogs do." The morning after the wedding night, the bride stormed
over
to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going
to
live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night. "He's
totally
disgusting! He doesn't know anything at all about how to be
romantic,
how to make love... he just smelled my butt and lifted his leg on
the
bedpost!"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most outstanding sex records of all time
Judging upon the work of Doctor Jacobus, which was published in 1935,
the largest erected human penis was 30 centimeters long. The smallest
penis in the world is only one centimeter long. There is an illness,
at
which a man does not have a penis at all - the illness is called
Congenital Hypoplasia.
T.H. van de Helde says that male testicles do not vary much in size.
However, there is a parasite worm, which blocks lymphatic vessels and
causes a very big scrotum tumor. Men of certain African and Indonesian
tribes proudly demonstrate such swollen testicles as a symbol of their
masculinity.
When Egyptian conquered Libya, they took possession of 13,320 penises
of
their defeated enemy. The hideous event took place in the 13th century
B.C.
W.F. Benedict wrote in the book "The Sexual Anatomy of Women" that a
14-year-old girl's breasts weighed 6.3 kilograms. The book also
contains
the description of the breasts of a 30-year-old woman - hers weighed
11.3 kilograms.
Swiss biologist Albrecht von Haller said that he once saw a clitoris,
which was 30.5 centimeters long.
The largest buttocks, up to one meter in diameter, can be observed
with
females from several African tribes, the Hottentotten tribe.
Scotch resident Anna Swan (1846-1888) used to be the proud owner of
the
longest vagina in the world - 2 meters 30 centimeters.
The largest penis of a mammal belongs to the African elephant - it is
up
to two meters long.
The longest spermatozoon is owned by Drosophila Bifurca insect. Its
spermatozoon is six centimeters long, which is 20 times as longer as
the
body of the insect.
Egyptian Sundevall mouse has about a hundred of copulations per hour.
The longest sexual intercourse was performed by a couple of
rattlesnakes
(Crotalus L.) that were making love for 23 hours and 15 minutes.
Mosquitoes copulate with each other for just three seconds.
Pigs may experience a 30-minute long orgasm.
Mountainous salamander Hynobius nigrescen's pregnancy varies depending
on the height, at which the animal lives. Its pregnancy may last for
more than three years at the height of 1,400 meters above the sea
level.
The Guinness Book of World Records says that the male of East-
Australian
mouse Antechinus Stuartii leads the most dangerous sex life. Every
year
these mice arrange a massive copulation, when the entire male
population
of the species copulates with numerous females. Males try to eat
several
possible rivals too. As a result, injuries, hunger, infections and
ulcers kill the entire male population of Antechinus stuartii in just
several days.
Porn star John Dough could satisfy 55 women a day.
Woman named as Houston shocked the entire civilized world with the
orgy
in 1999, during which she slept with 620 men in ten hours.
Doctor Vernon Coleman registered the longest sexual intercourse, which
lasted for 15 hours. The record was set by movie star Mae West and her
lover, known only as Ted.
The largest sex orgy took place in the year 200 B.C. in Rome, when
about
7,000 people abandoned themselves to their love passions.
Captain Cook visited the Kingdom of Tonga in 1777, as he was traveling
on the islands in the Pacific Ocean. Cook met King Fatafehi Paulah,
who
told the captain that only the king had a right to deflower all local
girls. The 80-year-old king said that he had sex with eight or ten
virgins on daily basis. Therefore, the tribal king deflowered over
37,000 local girls throughout his life.
buffalo says It's good to be king
Kenny Mccoughty delivered seven babies at once on 19 November, 1997 to
her husband Bobbie. They became the happy parents with the largest
number of babies born in one birth.
Lina Medina from Peru became the youngest mother at the age of five,
when she delivered a baby boy in 1936. Doctors had to perform a
Cesarean
section.
Englishman Sean Stewart became the youngest father in 1998 at the age
of
12.
Woman named as Arceli Keh was aged 63, when she delivered a daughter,
Czanthia, in 1996.
Miner Les Colley (1898 - 1998) became the oldest father, when the man
was 93 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texan Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know how everything in Texas is bigger than anywhere else? Well,
there was this Texan living in Bristol a while back. Huge fellow he
was, had to duck under all but the highest of doorways, and often had
to go through sideways. And he was always going on about how much
bigger things were back home, used to really bore everyone senseless
with his bragging.
Anyway, he died one day, and wound up in a mortuary where a friend of
mine worked. Charlie was telling me about the trouble they had,
trying to find a coffin big enough to plant him in. They looked
everywhere, but there was nothing that even came close, and it would
take time to have one specially made. "So what did you do?" I asked.
"Oh," said Charlie, "it was simple, really. We gave him an enema and
buried him in a shoe box."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Movie Chips
Geenautomeernodig
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Get Flashed
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Little Brother
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Mohammed Brand Condoms
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Magic Food
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day.
Across
the nation, many special events will be happening in recognition of
this special holiday. Are you coming?
The fabric of her halter top looked so soft, I thought it must be
felt.
A boy was making his confession to his priest. "I have this problem
with spontaneous erection since I turned 13. I know it is a sin to
play with myself. Can you help me with this problem?" "Why sure,
lad.
I can lick your problem for you!
When the beach side brothel was raided by the cops, half the men
came
out running and the other half ran out coming!
If you have a faculty for making love, you'll find a student body.
Two couples went to the movies on a double date. The guys went to
the
bathroom and as they were washing their hands one guy said to his
friend. "What's that sticky stuff on your fingers? Did you use too
much gooey hair crème?" "No, not at all... that's Gal O' Mine lotion."
An evangelist was delivering a flaming sermon that shook the rafters
of the mission. "Listen to me all you cigarette suckers, "he
thundered all you pipe suckers, all you bottle suckers-' Just then a
high squeaky interjected from the back row. "Don't forget us!"
How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
Cut her tampon string.
Can you use indefinitely in a sentence?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're
in...
definitely!
What's the difference between a tribe of sly pygmies and a blond
girl
track team?
The tribe of sly pygmies is a bunch of cunning runts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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With the Micro Force shaver being smaller than a credit card,
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smoking
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Police
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Act of God
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Food sculpture
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Welcome to A O HELL
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
~~~~~~~
A befuddled Chicky named Ida
Said to Gavin as he slid it insider.
"I'd much rather be
Underneath as 'ridee'
Than on top as the role of the rider."
~~~
An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; Alas, he
couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with
all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10,
and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off
the ground would get $50,000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a
baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and
crunches the elephant's testicles pretty badly. Needless to say, the
elephant jumps,
and the owner pays out the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the
prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing
its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10
per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his
bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?"
The elephant nods yes.
The man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?"
The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm in Arkansas at the in-laws for Thanksgiving. My wife and I were
at Wal-Mart today picking out an Anniversary card for her folks. You
know how the card sections are broken down into Birthday,
Anniversary, Get Well, and so on. Then, they're further subdivided
into Brother, Sister, Mother, etc. Well, in the Anniversary section,
there was Son and Wife, as well as Daughter and Husband. Those made
sense. But, you know, I just had to wonder -- this Arkansas Wal-Mart
had "Son and Daughter" in the Anniversary section... I couldn't
bring
myself to look at the card... I mean, this is Arkansas and all, but
I
really didn't think Hallmark would bother to cover that market, if
you know what I mean...
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1506
More Government Explained
Rudy: So how does all this mix together...the checks and balances.
Sandi: Simple, you write a check and they get the balance.
Katie: That doesn't seem right.
Sandi: A lot of things doesn't seem right, but changes are in the
air.
Rudy: I think that is the neighbor's kid's diaper that needs to be
changed.
Sandi: Yeah, that is probably how it smells in Washington a lot.
Katie: You sound so negative on our government Sandi.
Sandi: It is the best in the world. Also, if people get angry
enough, when
people get frustrated enough, they will change the people in charge
and
put better ones in. Besides the people who run our country really
try to do
the best they can.
Rudy: I have heard Pops talk a lot about the politics and he used a
lot
of words I did not understand.
Sandi: There are worse countries, ones where people cannot vote,
where
even if they did vote, the vote is discounted. We are lucky. We can
talk
about how good or bad our government is. In other countries that
could
mean death.
Katie: Ack!
Rudy: Could Katie run for President?
Sandi: Only for president of KSR Enterprises.
The herd of Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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