Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I had a brainstorm
to help slash the budget for space exploration. I am
not sure where this idea came from, perhaps from
watching Apollo 13 or maybe it was the Weather Channel's
show on the Shuttle Challenger explosion 21 years
ago. Either way it just popped into my mind all the money
that could be saved doing away with Houston's monitoring
facility by installing On Star on all of our space
vehicles.
I know it sounds a little crazy at first but picture this:
Space shuttle Atlantis this is the On Star operator do
you have an emergency?
On Star, this is Atlantis, something hit us and we lost
cabin pressure.
Atlantis, this is On Star do you have any medical
emergencies?
On Star this is Atlantis, Negative on injuries, everyone
was in suits.
Atlantis this is On Star we show meteorite damage on
your port side. We have dispatched a repair crew and
a AAA tow vehicle to your location. Can we be of any
other assistance?
On Star this is Atlantis Can you send 4 large sausage
pizzas to this location and also get my wife on the
phone so I can tell her we will be home early?
Atlantis this On Star will do and if you need any more
help just push the button.
We could save billions with this plan.
Even without the savings I have a plan to get Congress to fully
fund the Space Program beginning with a call to Chairperson
Pelosi. It would go like this. Madam Chairwoman we have some
bad news regarding the Space Station. Due to a lack of funding
its orbit will decay and it will crash to earth on July 4th 2010.
Our
orbital calculations show it striking earth in the San Francisco
area and the contamination from the onboard reactor will make
that part of your state uninhabitable for the next 10,000 years.
The
good news is that for 50 trillion dollars we can keep it aloft for
the
next ten years and have it crash in the Crawford Texas area. My
guess is she would approve the funding without even checking to
see if there really is a reactor onboard the Space Station. We would
then have enough money to go to Mars.
Have a great weekend... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Guy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead
over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over
the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed,
and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty darn soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless.
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I
can fake it well enough so that you don't
spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse.
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit,
I'm starving already."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the mess, she cleans it up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Golf Pro
http://www.buffalos
Got Milk
http://www.buffalos
Gum Ball Machine
http://www.buffalos
television
http://www.thepostm
want your change back?
http://www.thepostm
I am the new senator
http://www.thepostm
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bee Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country
cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring
him his lunch. Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking
the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung
her right next to her nipple. Days went by and the swelling wouldn't
go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's. The doctor took a look at
it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order
for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it
out." Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"
The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for
this."
So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the
doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it,
he had her moaning and everything. A week later Jose while taking a
piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the
doctor.
The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge!
I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the
puss come right out." Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like
you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Micro Force is the world's smallest fully waterproof and
rechargeable electric shaver.
The rechargeable battery last up to 10 times longer than a standard
battery shaver.
With the Micro Force shaver being smaller than a credit card,
it makes it the perfect shaver for traveling or every day use.
Additional Ordering Details:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you call a Kentuckian who practices birth control? A. A
humanitarian.
Q. Why don't they let Covington residents swim in the Ohio River? A.
Because they leave a ring.
Q. How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A.
What's a light bulb?
Q. What do they call a hillbilly property owner?
A. A Kentuckian who's made all the payments on his false teeth.
Did you hear about the hillbilly who phoned a camera store and asked
if he could rent some flash bulbs?
Then there was the hillbilly who asked his friends to give him their
burnt-out light bulbs. He wanted to start a darkroom.
Q. What do you get if you cross a retarded Kentuckian with a baboon?
A. A hillbilly intellectual.
Q. What do you call a Kentuckian with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. Why do trees in Kentucky sway north?
A. Ohio sucks.
Q. Why do birds fly upside down over Kentucky?
A. There's nothing worth shitting on.
Q. What's the difference between a Franfort girl and a bedspread? A.
A bedspread isn't turned down as often.
buffalo says if you are from Kentucky you may substitute your
favorite state instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slim Clip is the amazing new double-sided money clip that holds up
to
30 bills on one side and up to six credit cards on the other.
Slim Clip is engineered from durable stainless steel, so now matter
how much or what the abuse, you'll have a lifetime of use,
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It even comes with a lifetime replacement warranty.
If it ever breaks or bends, we'll send you a brand new one for Free,
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Additional Ordering Details:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and
talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband
the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband
the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her
friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box."
============
It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the
teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written
on
the board.
The chalkboard read "T T T 1A."
She looked at the children and said, " who wrote this?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher."
The teacher says, "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?"
Johnny answers, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Apple," and gives the
teacher an apple.
"Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You,"
The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices
something written on the board. The chalkboard read "T T T 1O." She
asked the children, "Who wrote this?"
Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher
says, "Well Bobby, what does that mean?"
Bobby says, "It means, To The Teacher 1 Orange," and gives
the teacher an orange. "Very good, Bobby, thank you."
The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed the
board read, " F U C K I T".
The teacher, disappointed, said, "WHO WROTE THIS!!"
Then little Juanito, raises his hand and says, " I did, teacher".
The teacher says, " Well, what does this mean, Juanito?"
Juanito answers, " It means, From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale".
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How can you tell what clan a Scotsman is from?
A: You put your hand up his kilt, and if he has a quarterpounder, he
is a MacDonald.
Then there was the time when Sandy happened to sit by a journalist
on a train. After some conversation it came out she traveled a lot
and always traveled alone.
"Aren't you worried something can happen to you?" asked
the journalist. "And your friends certainly must feel some concern
for you."
"No, I've never been afraid. But I should call someone soon
to let them know I am still alive. By the way, all I need are three
little words when I want to be left alone."
"And those are...?"
"Are you saved?"
Warning
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the
subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.
If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the
subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of
Hillary Clinton.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Football Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
DUBYA AND THE DETROIT LIONS !!!!
by SuperBowlXX
1. Matt Millen and George Bush were both hired in 2001.
2. When Matt Millen assumed the position as team president, the
Detroit Lions were emerging from a decade of financial and team
success in the 1990's, with 6 winning seasons between 1991-2000 and
playoff appearances in 1991, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1997, and 1999 (and
barely missing the playoffs in 2000). When George Bush assumed the
position as U.S. President, the country was emerging from a decade
of economic growth and success, with a budget surplus and 22 million
new jobs created.
3. Since Matt Millen was hired, the Lions were 31-84, a winning
percentage of 27%. Since George Bush was hired, his approval rating
has plummeted to 26%. (FOX/Opinion Dynamics poll)
4. Since 2001, the Lions are 8-50 on the road, and from 2001-2003
were winless away from Detroit. Since 2001, the U.S. has invaded two
countries, helped fuel tension and terrorism in the Middle East, and
the country has lost vital support and credibility within the
international community.
5. Despite his team's struggles during his tenure, Matt Millen was
the second-highest paid general manager in the NFL, behind only Bill
Parcells of the Miami Dolphins. Despite his country's financial
struggles during his tenure, George Bush has overseen an
administration where, in 2007, Wall Street's five biggest firms --
Bear Stearns, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, and
Morgan Stanley -- paid a record $39 billion in bonuses to
themselves.
6. Following the 2001 season, with the 3rd pick in the NFL draft,
Matt Millen selected University of Oregon quarterback John Joseph
"Joey" Harrington to be chief of the Lions offense; Harrington has
since been released and has played for three other teams. In 2001,
the Bush Administration selected I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby to be
chief of staff under Dick Cheney; Libby has since been convicted of
federal obstruction and perjury charges related to the leak of CIA
agent Valerie Plame's identity.
7. In 2003, with the 2nd pick in the draft, Matt Millen selected
Michigan State wide receiver Charles Rogers to be the head of the
Lions' receiving corps; Rogers was later released after a few
injury- plagued seasons and has not played for another NFL team
since. In 2003, the Bush Administration selected diplomat Paul
Bremer to be the head of the reconstruction in Iraq; Bremer was
later released after disbanding the Iraqi Army and creating a few
insurgency plagued years in the Middle East, and has not worked on
the reconstruction in Iraq since.
8. In 2005, with the 10th pick in the 2005 NFL draft, Matt Millen
selected Southern California wide receiver Mike Williams to be the
fresh new face of the franchise; Williams was later cut by the Lions
after torturing Lions fans with two years of poor performance on the
field. In 2005, George Bush selected Alberto Gonzales to be the
fresh new face of the U.S. Justice Department; Gonzales later
resigned after torturing the U.S. Constitution with two years of
poor performance at his job.
9. Late in Matt Millen's tenure, Lions fans became so screwed over
that they staged walkouts and wore paper bags over their heads
during home games. Late in George Bush's tenure, American families
became so screwed over that they didn't have to stage walkouts; they
couldn't even afford their homes or those paper bags anyway.
10. In September of 2008, Matt Millen finally left the Detroit
Lions. Just a few short months later, in January of 2009, George
Bush will finally leave the Office of the President of the United
States.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Turbo Bag - Friendly Airport Travel Bag
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/You're Special
http://silverandgol
DWELLING ON THE PAST!
http://www.shangral
Between Day And Night
http://www.shangral
Sands of Time
http://www.carolspo
*+*+*+*+*+*+
We wanted to let you know right away that you never have to pay
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Surfin Surfari
Hubble Telescope Main Site
http://hubble.
Niagara Falls Frozen
http://www.bentbay.
Origami now
http://pem.org/
TheGardenHelper.
http://www.thegarde
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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look at and even better to make meet in real life, then take
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Windows Repair.. Freeware
http://www.iobit.
Configure Your Start-up
http://www.netsquir
Sally w/ Night Lines
http://www.simplysa
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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I finally got so sick and tired of watching fakers and bigmouths
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right way.
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
http://www.howard.
Kitty Korner
http://www.thecatco
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Does your computer seem to be running slower than usual?
Did you know that many people who are married or in a serious
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Movie Chips
Moulin Huge
http://www.buffalos
Mouse in Her Bra
http://www.buffalos
Movie
http://www.buffalos
Movie 1
http://www.buffalos
Posedis
http://www.buffalos
Wake Up
http://www.buffalos
Wal-Mart Baby
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WatDoeJeNou
http://www.buffalos
Waterbed
http://www.buffalos
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horror Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Top 14 Country & Western Horror Movies
14> Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
13> Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
12> Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer
11> The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon
10> Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg
9> Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus
Suit-Wearin' Zombies
8> Jurassic Trailer Park
7> Something Twangy This Way Comes
6> Psychoklahoma
5> The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
4> All My Axes are in My Exes
3> Throw Momma from Shania Twain
2> The Expectorist
1> She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Turn anything into a flashlight and never be left in the dark again!
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The catlite is the perfect flashlight, ready when you need it and
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You'll wonder how you ever lived without your Catlite!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sushi022270678
http://www.buffalos
Trick or Treat
http://www.buffalos
Hal At The Door
http://www.buffalos
Jewish
http://able2laugh.
Great kisser!
http://able2laugh.
Limber
http://able2laugh.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keep Warm Air In & Winter Air Out
Twin Draft Guards? minimizes energy loss from doors and
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Twin Draft Guards? work just as well on the interior doors of your
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and the
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents
thought was beautiful.
She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "My Mom thinks that flowers are
beautiful."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because she says they smell really nice."
The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks
antique cars are beautiful."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their
original form."
Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks
pregnant women are."
"Why is that," she asked?
"Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just
fucking beautiful!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Warrior AK-47 Airsoft Rifle is an awesome toy for the holidays!
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Click here to hear more or buy now:
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
True Story
My friend Linda is a bit older than most of the people in her
office , and
has worked there longer, so the rest of the staff often come to her
with
questions. She does not mind answering a quick question, but does
not feel
comfortable answering questions about the computer system. Her
company had
recently changed the help desk procedures and there had been e-mails
about
help desk protocol.
One day a young gal came to Linda with a question about the computer
system.
Linda asked if she had contacted "that guy who is sending all the
e-mails."
The other girl said she did not know who she was talking about, and
Linda
said "Fawk." The other girl said she had never heard of him. Linda
told her
that he had sent out several e-mails recently. The other girl again
asked
his name, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl asked how that was
spelled.
Linda said "He must be an Arab. It is spelled FAQ."
The other girl never asked her another question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
TITAN Peeler - The World's Best Peeler!
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*Slicing Board that turns the Titan Peeler into the perfect slicer.
*Garnishing Book with tips and tricks on preparing fruits and
vegetables.
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once was a lad with holes in my shoes
And used to partake of all kinds of booze
Til I discovered that when I got muddled
All my romantic fantasies got befuddled
And I passed up too many a lovely screw
************
Barbara used to sing way up in the choir,
Til a wind lifted her mini a wee bit higher
And revealed tatooed on her pink cheeks
To a bunch of young male godless freaks
A legend, "This space will always inspire."
************
T'was a tempting sexyy Rhode Islander
Whose husband completely vexed her,
For regardless of the time they'd start
He unfailingly would invariably fart
With a blast that damn near unsexed her.
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Loud 'N Clear, the compact personal sound amplifier, allows you
to listen to low-volume sounds clearly and comfortably.
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed
to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
Additional Ordering Details:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1499
To the Vet and Beyond!
Katie has a wheelchair ready for Rudy, Sandi is wringing her paws..
BJ: I have the car ready for you Rudy.
Rudy: I don't know if I can climb the steps Pops.
BJ: I will help you.
Whimper whimper....
Finally outside..
Rudy: I know I cannot climb into the car.
BJ: Put your front paws on the seat and I will push your bottom.
One, two, three...push!
Later at the vet...
Vet: Well his temp is normal... it looks like he is just starting
to get old.
Give him a pain pill when your knee hurts and he will be fine.
Also, he
needs to lose about ten more pounds. He has lost fifteen and is
doing well.
But he is about 53 dog years old and Labs start to get bad hips and
when
the weather changes he will know it.
Rudy: Old? Hrumpt!
After taking his pain pill and back at the house...
Rudy: I feel pretty good now.
Katie: I got you this present.
Rudy: A cane!!!
The herd in Guthrie
(Alas, poor Rudy, the eldest of my doggies, is starting to get old)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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