Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Some more thoughts on Boot Camp 36 years ago. I have been
discussing this period with some Navy buddies and thought you
might find it more interesting than Global Warming.
We were all issued Crackerjack style whites and blues but half of
the company received dungarees with the bluer working jacket and
I got utilities along with the other half. I mentioned the soap dish
earlier because it was your iron when you folded and pressed each
piece to go in your locker. You have to admit someone put a lot of
time into figuring how to get all of those items into a seabag and
have them come out looking pressed when you needed them.
Our sister company, the Hummers and Strummers ( Choir and Band)
was with us at most of the parades and every graduation. On our
third week in boot camp we got to do our first parade in North
Chicago.
It was just a small town parade, nothing spectacular but after the
ceremony we were invited to a retired admiral's home for a barbecue.
It was a huge party with all the beer you could drink but everyone
behaved themselves, even a few that slipped away from the party
with some of the area girls. There was a four or five year old kid
that someone had given a white hat to that was running around saluting
the recruits and when they returned the salute he would tell them,"
Carry
on Boot." It was extremely funny when he ran up to the admiral,
flipped
him a salute and told him, " Carry on Boot."
Along about 2000 the party wound down and they loaded everyone
into buses and headed back to Great Lakes. They told us after the
beer we consumed if anyone got sick to use your white hat (Dixie Cup)
and not to puke on the floor of the bus. One guy got it in his mind
that his hat would be a good to take a pee rather than wait till we
got
back on base and did so. This was not a good idea for a couple of
reasons, the first of which was that he was expected to have his hat
on his head when he left the bus and the second of which there was no
place to empty it so he just flung the contents out the window. If you
have ever tried throwing anything liquid out of a window it will come
right back in the next window which it did soaking the passed out
recruit behind him. We lied to the guy and told him the boat had hit
a big puddle
and he went back to sleep.
One of the other great things about marching in parades every week
we didn't have to do our own dress whites. They were bagged up after
each event and came back cleaned and pressed and looking like new
no matter what kind of mess you got into.
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Divorce Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN
Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during
our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you
left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the
wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the
first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who
would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of
pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore.
I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And
this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look
for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see , but they're
not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos
and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just
to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19;
with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a
childhood-spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect
body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't
quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown
by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in
our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see
what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have
a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And
I'd never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd
tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself
thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her
flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else. Same nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn feel the same because you weren't there
to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Holy cow, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. Everything I do
just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met
at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week
with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right
without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but
that's not the real story.Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and
the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And
this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything,
you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her
weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a
sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother'
vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we
can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too.
Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror
on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we
never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order.
I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head
on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this
painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about
women in general. She's pulling for us! To get back together, Connie,
she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and
talking about Happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same
DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you
when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns
out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to
thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how
that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you
see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's
cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we
could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start
fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please
let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?
Love, Bill
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Driving Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and
spitting. She would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, she would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.
A man sits down next to her and asks her, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the gal, "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car,
so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure,
why not?"
"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we
have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes
go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking
up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.
"We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road.
I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with
him to do something!!
"We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500
foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an
overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it!
I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Geoff,
if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job
you've ever had!"
She paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Chat Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
JHawk111420 [12:11 AM]: Hey whats up, a/s/l?
Lady Renegade [12:12 AM]: more than you want, I'm sure :)
JHawk111420 [12:12 AM]: ill take that as a challenge ;-)
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Short Chips
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~~~~~
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~~~~~
A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
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"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the long delays on a golf course outside
Washington, DC? Seems like there was a foursome playing that was
taking forever to get around the course. The group consisted of
Monica Lewinski, OJ Simpson, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Clinton. According
to observers, the problems they were having were attributable to
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sure which hole he's supposed to be playing.
~~~~~
Bob had just finished playing a round of golf and was in the locker
room getting undressed to take a shower when one of his friends
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Spoon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It
seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy
brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his
shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the
wait
persons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to
check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than
any
other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
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As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me.
Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his
pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my
guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that
there
was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking
around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked
the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string
right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is
as
observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out
that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you
know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and
that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time
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"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out,
how do you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know
about the others, but I use a spoon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Reflection
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From God
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Boob Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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and
that's good enough. The military plans to appeal the ruling.
Human Nature's view: If lack of boobs is disqualifying, start by
discharging all the men, except the generals, of course.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
An' thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An' was left with her mouth agape
The bishop of Winchester Junction
Found his phallus would no longer function.
So in black crepe he wound it,
Tied a lily around it,
And solemnly gave it last unction.
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Hey, look at me, Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman, feeling morning dizziness and strange cravings, goes
to
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holes, a little more that pinpricks, actually. By the way, what did
you say your name was?" "My name is Snow White", replies the girl.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several
of us were standing around in our leotards
chatting about fitness and diets. One woman
said that her brother-in-law had quit smoking,
gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same
time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could
possibly do this without acquiring at least one
other undesirable habit for compensation, I
jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well,
my sister is pregnant now."
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1503
Sandi Explains the Three Branches of Government
Rudy: So what are the three branches of government Sandi?
Katie: Yes, and their purpose?
Sandi: Ah yes, well the first branch is the Judicial Branch. They
are responsible for a lot of things.
Rudy: Give me one example?
Sandi: Remember the song "Hey Jude"?
Katie: Yeah, it was a pretty cool song.
Sandi: Well that is one of their doings.
Rudy: What else?
Sandi: There is a whole lot of things, a book in the Bible - Judges,
there is the refs in basketball and football, the umpires in baseball.
Katie: They come from the Judicial branch?
Sandi: Of course...there is a Judical building out there somewhere
and they
come when needed.
Rudy: Tell us about the next branch.
Sandi: After lunch.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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