Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Boot Camp story from Archives today because my mind is drawing
a blank. It's either writer's block or else banging my head against
the
wall has finally shook something loose.
I was looking through my copy of the Keel which is the class book
that you receive upon graduation from Great Lakes. It is perhaps
the first time I ever really looked at it from end to end since I
received it thirty years ago. It I strange how the mind works
because even after 35 years I recognized each of the faces in
the company's picture section and knew immediately when they
were using file photos. When you live in a barracks with 65 people
for 13 weeks it burns them into your brain like no others. Not
even roommates or family members stick in your mind like
your recruit company as they pressure you to work as a team one
moment and then pit you against each other the next just to
see how you react.
Probably the most stressful part of boot camp that still sends
shivers
down my spine was not learning to swim, the gas chamber, boxing,
or physical training, it was the first thing you did after you moved
into the new barracks, stenciling and folding the contents of your
sea bag and stowing it in your locker. Everyone had received two
paint pens and a stencil and everything had to be stenciled the Navy
way. A stencil that was off-center, crooked, too heavy, too light,
or
in the wrong place unleashed a world of verbal abuse followed by
some ridiculously long form of physical exercise. I had been yelled
at before, most of my adolescent life and the company commander
was an expert at it. This type of thing isn't really important in
the
real Navy but in boot camp they held weekly inspections at which
time you could get nailed all over again for a mistake. I made it
through with only a few mistakes that were considered minor and
then we got into pressing and folding each item for stowing. It
is important for each line, each seam, and each angle to be perfect.
You had no iron but instead used your soap dish to smooth out the
wrinkles. When done, the piece of clothing could go into your
sea bag for four years, travel around the world a dozen times
and come out ready to wear to an inspection with every crease
looking like it had just come from the dry cleaner. I still had
dress
white jumpers when I got out that had been folded and at the
bottom of my sea bag along with items such as my rain coat for
nine years that still had my E-3 stripes on them. I had purchased
the new CPO type uniforms because they were the only type
available after boot camp which was the reason they went unused.
After the evening meal that first day the Company Commander
came back from drinking his supper at the CPO club and proceeded
to hold Company Commanders Mast which was a chance to
review individual performance that day and assign extra military
instruction to those whose performance was not up to par. I made
it through two weeks without catching his attention but that's a
story for another day.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Manager Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and his
doctor suggested he go for several weeks to a farm to relax.
So the guy went to a farm, but after a couple of days he was very
bored. So he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean up all of the cow manure.
Now the farmer, thinking that to somebody coming from the city,
working the whole life sitting in an office, would take at least
a week to finish the job. To his surprise, the manager finished
the job in less than a day!
So, the next day, the farmer gave the manager a more difficult job.
He sent him to cut the heads off 500 chickens.
The farmer was sure that the manager would not be able to do the
this job so quickly. But, at the end of the day, the job was done!
The next morning, having nothing else, the farmer asked the manager
to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes, small potatoes in one,
big potatoes in the other. At the end of the day the farmer was
surprised to see the manager was sitting in front of the potato
bags, with both two boxes still empty!
The farmer asked the him, "How is it you completed the more
difficult jobs the first two days, but can't do a simple job like
this?"
"Listen," replied the manager, "all my life I'm cutting heads and
dealing with crap, but this requires I make decisions!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bend Over In Front Of A Priest
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day Johnny asked his mom if she would kiss his cut and make it
all
better and the mother did and it worked . Later, when Johnny fell on
his
face and scraped his nose, his mommy kissed it. Johnny felt better
and
ran off with his toys.
Then he fell on his butt and ran to his mom crying.
The mother kissed his butt and the boy ran off with his stuffed
animal.
Later he came back and told his mom that his "peanuts" had been
bitten
and she has to suck the poison out.
She pulls down the little boys pants and sucks and sucks. Just then,
the
little boy says "no mom "peanuts" is my stuffed animal"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Slogan Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Commercial Slogans & the real meaning...
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"Which is *exactly* how long you'll be
hearing about it from the wife if you don't
cough up the green for some ice, pal."
"Built Ford tough"
"It's an American version of tough; not *
really* tough, like German cars are tough."
"I can't believe it's not butter!"
"Being around Fabio, for even a few seconds,
makes you dumb as a post."
"Pork; the other white meat"
"When Hesston starts screaming that it's people,
don't say we didn't warn you."
"An Army of one"
"Can't be gay all by yourself, can ya?"
"A diamond says you'd marry her all over again"
"You're too classy for a $50 hooker every week."
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"We know you'll never get off the couch lard-ass;
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"The half-assed way to slogan."
"It's so chunky, you'll be tempted to eat it with a fork." "Those
damn
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soups!"
"Must-see TV"
"Yeah, what else are you gonna do, Shakespeare? Read?!"
"Calgon, take me away!"
"I've got my Mr. Showerhead poised for action."
"Like a rock"
"God knows we weren't selling many pickups
with that Boy George tune."
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman's husband dies, and while at the funeral home watching the
mortician prepare her husband for final internment, she asked if he
would cut off her husbands dick for her. The mortician thought this
to
be an odd request, but since it was her husband, he complied with
her
wishes and cut it off and gave it to her. She wrapped it up and took
it
home. When she got home, she pulled out a frying pan, threw some
chopped
onions, garlic, green peppers, and some butter into the pan, and
started
cutting up the dick. Her neighbor walked in at this point and saw
what
she was doing, and asked, "What are you doing with *that*??!!" The
woman
replied, "Hey, for 35 years I ate it his way, now I'm gonna eat it
my
way!"
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going
home
for Rosh Hashanah. "Oh," the Catholic girl says. "That's the holiday
when you light the eight candles, right?" "No," the Jewish girl
replies.
"That's Hanukah." "Oh, right," the Catholic girl says. " Rosh
Hashanah
is the holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?" "No," the Jewish
girl
replies. "That's Passover.Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow
the
shofar." "See," the Catholic Girl says. "That's what I like about
you
Jews... you're so good to the hired help."
Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"
What's the best part of a blow-job when you're married?
The few minutes of silence.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor!!!
Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said, "Monica, this trouble
will
pass and you're still young and have a future in front of you. What
would you like to do with the rest of your life?" Monica said,
"Well,
Dan, I have thought of going back to school." Dan said, "That is a
great
idea. What would you like to be?" Monica said, "I would like to be
a
doctor." Dan laughed and said, "You can never be a doctor.. You
sucked
as an intern."
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Memorial Day Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Signs Your Memorial Day Weekend Sucked
16) Huge grill marks on your ass.
15) Stay in the local burn ward now part of the family
cookout tradition.
14) Your secret weekend "get away" is actually a web site.
13) Image of Grandpa in his Speedo is indelibly burned into
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12) Your improbable kebob skewer mishap headlines local paper.
11) Just as you and the gang settled in to watch the Three
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10) You can now lip-synch to that entire "Thighmaster" infomercial.
9) Your barbeque fire consumed 10,000 acres.
8) You attended the annual beef barbecue at the British Embassy.
7) Regardless what the marriage license says, you don't remember
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6) Your five-year-old took the phrase "weiner roast" literally.
5) Emulating that North Korean fighter pilot, neighborhood punks
try to "defect" on your front lawn.
4) While you baked in the sun, drinking buddies placed DUMBASS
stencil on your forehead.
3) Didn't shoot your limit in San Diego's Wild Animal Park.
2) Held seance to raise spirits of dead war heros, only got
Gomer Pyle.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Memorial Day Weekend Sucked...
1) Your Ball Park Frank didn't plump, if you know what I mean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ticket Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of
begging. Finally, the policeman says: "O.k. I'll ask you a question.
If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"
"Go ahead!", answers the speeder.
"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you.
What
is it?"
"That's easy! It's a car!"
"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a
VW?", replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket.
"Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy.
"Ok. But, this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the
ticket!"
"Fair enough".
"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What
is it?"
"That's easy! It's a bike!"
"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is it
a
Harley Davidson? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"
"Yeah, ok.. but let me ask you a question too!"
"Go ahead", answers the policeman.
"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining
with
clients, what is it?" asks the guy.
"Oh, that's a hooker!" replies the policeman.
"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your
sister? Is it your daughter?"
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Movie Clips
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman'
was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the
survey
was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular
answer was 2 times a day.
Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a
year. That's 738 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love
738
times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than
thirty-eight five.
Bob and Barbara are waiting on line at the Post Office, to purchase
some stamps.
"I heard they are making likable stamps in a variety of tasty
flavors
to save the public the awful experience of running their tongues
over
something so unsavory" said Barbara.
"Really?" said Bob.
"You bet," Barbara, said, "There is strawberry, cherry,
grape...which
one are you going to get?"
Bob replied, "Me??? Oh, I'm not into fruit flavors. I'm ordering a
brand new flavor they've just introduced. It's called 'vagina'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aliens Come In Piece
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A Little Bush
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All Juice
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All Yours
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Allowance
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Alls Well
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man of Devizes
With bollocks of two different sizes
One was so small
'Twas no good at all
And the other so large it won prizes.
____________
There was a young fellow named Gluck
Who found himself shit out of luck.
Though he petted and wooed,
When he tried to get screwed
He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
____________
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
Shows his organs at large,
For a small handling charge,
To assist him in paying the rent.
____________
Said an ovum one night to a sperm,
"You're a very attractive young germ.
Come join me my sweet,
Let our nuclei meet,
And in nine months we'll both come to term."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
* An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when
suddenly she had to fart. She promptly
reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a
gentleman got on the elevator.
He began to sniff...
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells
like someone shit in a pine tree."*
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a pub to meet his mates for a beer. They are amazed
at how healthy he is looking. In particular he has fantastically
good
looking smooth skin on his face with a totally radiant glow. "Jim
you
are looking fit and healthy. Started a new diet?" "Nope," says Jim.
"So, you've joined a fitness club then?" "Nope," says Jim. "But your
face looks so fresh and healthy. Let us in on the secret Jim. What
are
you doing?" "I've got a new girl friend," says Jim. "But how does
that
get you healthy looking smooth skin on your face?" "Well" says Jim,
"my new girl friend has got the hairiest pussy I've every seen. In
fact she's like a wire brush down there!" "So?" says the inquisitive
friend. "So, going down on her is the quickest way I know to
exfoliate
and moisturize your face at the same time!"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 325
When Pigs Fly!
The time is 9 pm and time for the last call for the bathroom call.
Rudy, Sandi and Katie are all huddled at the door. Remember Katie
is the dog that loves to dash out and leaves everyone behind. BJ
grabs
the leash as usual, but out of curiosity tries something different.
He shows the leash to Katie, opens the door, Rudy and Sandi dash
out,
but Katie hangs back and nudges the leash with her nose. She wants
to walk with the leash with dad. BJ attaches the leash to her
collar
and off they go, Katie prancing.
A few minutes later, Rudy and Sandi are done, Katie is half-way out
to
the road, BJ tries another experiment, he unleashes Katie and walks
back to the house. Normally, Katie would be off to the woods, Katie
follows BJ back to the house along with Rudy and Sandi.
Back in the house, BJ pets and loves up the three dogs, giving a
little
extra attention to Katie.
BJ: So why obey me so well tonight Katie?
Katie: I had a bet with Sandi I would not obey you.
BJ: So you lost?
Katie: Yes, but I bet Rudy double or nothing I would obey you.
BJ: So you won?
Katie: Yes.
The herd in Guthrie
(Katie is doing much better. I would not bet the farm it would work
a second time)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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