[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Mon





Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Since I haven't told you a sea story in a long time here is
one from the archives which we will finish tomorrow.

In order to launch a modern jet in addition to accelerating
it past its stall point , you also normally need thirty knots
of wind across the flight deck and when the weather doesn't
provide it you must move the carrier into the wind and count
on your propulsion to do it. On the older carriers with
eight boilers and 4 70,000 hp. main engines you could do it
with 5 boilers and 2 main engines and enough auxiliary
equipment to keep them running. The rest of the machinery
allowed you redundancy in the event of mechanical failure
or war damage and allows you to do maintenance. I was a
boilermaker at the time and we were doing repairs to the
two boilers in number 2 machinery room. The main engine was
getting steam from number 3 machinery room and they had
taken the chain driven oil pump down to the machine shop to
be repaired. Although it was preferred to have this pump
operating there was two other pumps, one driven by steam
and one electric and everyone was confident there would be
no problems. Murphy had other plans though and number 3
MMR had a casualty that threatened to send water into steam
turbines weighing tons and traveling thousands of rpms. They
did exactly what they were supposed to and closed the
steam valves. With no steam the generators shut down and
there we were going about 25 knots with no oil pressure.
The only way to stop the damage was to stop the propeller
and that required stopping an 80,000 ton ship with only
two of four propellers. With two engines down that was like
stopping a semi with just the front brakes. It took about
four miles to accomplish that.

The two mile stopping distance on a carrier is with all
four main engines doing an emergency astern. The turbine
elements for astern operation are smaller and only put
out 9,000 hp each. Even so when that power is applied
to a propeller that is 21 feet in diameter with five
blades it causes the ship to hop like when you lock your
brakes up on a rough piece of road. As soon as lines
were drained steam was sent back into the two spaces,
electricity from forward generators was connected to
the switchboards and fires were lit in number three
machinery rooms boilers. We were glad for the power because
when you are thirty feet down in the bowels of the ship
in a hot machinery room the temperature climbs to
120 degrees very quickly. We were all in good shape but
the main engine had bearing damage in both the turbine
and reduction gear sections. Bearing metal made of lead and
tin had melted and looked like sponges. The Navy does
not own the main engines, they are leased for 99 years
from GE, Westinghouse, or DeLaval . Even as we got back
underway with the damaged engine shaft locked so it could
not turn a message was being dispatched to the Philippines
requesting General Electric personnel to conduct an
inspection and repair the main engine. We went back to
normal ops limping around with three propellers from
Yankee Station as even though we had stopped bombing
N. Vietnam we were still providing support to the troops
on the ground in S. Vietnam.

The Navy decide that we required two weeks in port to
complete repairs and when parts and repair personnel
arrived from the states we headed to the yards at Subic.
What happens onboard your ship can affect every ship
around you and this was no different. My friend Dave
from Murphy was onboard the USS Midway at the time and
she was loaded up with the usual souvenirs from a WestPac
and ready to head back to the states after along deployment.
They unloaded the motorbikes and stereos and tapestries
and headed back out to Yankee Station to fly our missions
for the time we were in repair. That cruise the Midway
was out on Yankee Station for 208 days which is probably
more than the carrier cruises during the Iraq and Afghan
wars.

In order to make it easier to repair the bearings and
turn the gears the shaft was uncoupled so that it would
not have to turn a 45,000 pound propeller. Finally repairs
close to complete, we headed back to Yankee station with
GE and Yard people onboard and doing the fitting of
the bearings.

The rest of the story tomorrow... buffalo

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"Yes, this is Mrs. Duffy on the sixth floor. I want to report a
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"What seems to be the trouble, Mrs. Duffy?"

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Pea Chips
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There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to
see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be
your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man replies, "Well,
actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods." The doctor

was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem,
all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give
them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like
peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite
shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition

improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his
employer
and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully,
I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave
it
up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't

had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage,

so I gave it up!" The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad
a
pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone
who can't swim, grab a table..."

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Name Chips
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Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they
see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.

Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making
love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away.

So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when
she
says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs
away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and
goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"

He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps
going.
Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end
of
the rubber and throws it in the ocean.

He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call
him
Houdini."

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Shakespeare Chips
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While Shakespeare was a very wise man. You'd never know it because
he
used such fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning
linguists
has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day
English.
It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this
oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend
sure
would.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more
beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try
wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen
to
them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he
cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always
resort
to oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes
to
penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of
the
country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that
is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests,
exaggerate. A lot.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over
it.

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Sunburn Chips
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A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the
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legs became sunburned beyond belief.

He could hardly stand the pain.

He decided to go to the local doctor for treatment.
The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook
his head. "You must realize that this is only a small
village medical facility," he explained.

"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However,
try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave
him one tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ...
what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but
it will keep the sheets off your legs."

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Pub Chips
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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a rural pub. She
gestures
alluringly to the bartender. When he arrives, she seductively
signals
that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she
begins
to caress his beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.

"Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running
her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I
can
do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping
a
couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender finally manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or
paper
towels in the ladies room."

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Movie Clips

Depression Medication
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Hand Up
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Disappointment
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Don't Work From home
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Einstein
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: Why do barbers make good drivers?
A: Because they know all the short cuts.

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they
are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

"No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit."
--- Men's Room, Main Street Saloon, Akron Ohio

How to make God laugh?
Tell him your future plans.
--- Woody Allen

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few
minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat. Her
husbands says "Hey how did you get this?" She says that her boss won
the
lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the
coat
and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home
really
tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does.
But
only fills it up an inch. She gets in and says to him "Why did you
put
in so little water?" "Well, we dont want your lotto ticket getting
wet,
now do we?!!!!"

The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online must be
working. At
this point, he's a bigger dick than he was a few months ago.

The number of divorces in this country proves that this is the land
of
the free. The number of marriages proves that it is truly the home
of
the brave.

A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. Wanting
to impress his new bride with his knowledge of foreign
affairs, the husband asked, "Honey, what do you think about
the Middle East position."
His wife replied, "I don't know, have we already tried it?"

The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax
returns.
---Herman Wouk.

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Toon Chips
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50 Cal
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69 For Dummies
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69th
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Escape
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

Q. What do you call a cow who has just given birth?
A. Decaffeinated <Grooaaaann>

Kentucky Scientists discover new use for sheep: WOOL.

The most common form of marriage proposal:
"YOU'RE WHAT!?" <Thanx Jim>

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people
"Everybody But Me."

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent
quarter.

I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative.
Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.

Don't try to catch snowflakes on you tongue until all
the birds have flown south.

What should you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

One day of coal
364 days of fun.......
The choice is obvious to me...

Two older men sat on a bench in the park. One said, "I
hear that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to
tell you the truth, I don't have any women to write to!"

There will be no weapon inspections done in Iraq for the next two
days
because of the upcoming Moslem holidays. They're celebrating "High
Da-missiles Day." Jay Leno

Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's
time to get up.

There are so many lawyers in the world, that if you were to lay them
end-to-end, they would reach into the each other's pockets.

There was a young lady from Cue
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."

Signs of Spring in New York City:
1-Crack dens take down storm windows.
2-Lovely pastel colors used for chalk body outlines.
3-Garbage collectors start going topless.

Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have
Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of your beer than to
forget
where you left it!

Grocery store clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers
can't be choosers <Grooooaaaannnnn>

"Mom, I'm pregnant." said Wendy.
"How can that be?" Mom replied, "What did I tell you
about sex?" "That I should take measures." Wendy replied, "And
that's
what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest." < I
really "sniffed them out" LOL>

Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get
off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a
lot.
It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no
wife to go home to... or they do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These two guys were talking how they wanted to die.
One said he wanted to die in his sleep so he wouldn't
have any pain.

The other said he wanted to die like a rat.

His friend said," how's that? "

He said, "I wanna jump in bed and let that pussy eat
me up."

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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was taking a shower in the presence
of his three-year-old daughter.

Looking at her dad, the little girl said, "Daddy,
you have a penis."

The father said, "Yes, I do."

The girl considered a moment, and then said,
"I don't have a penis."

Dad said, "Yes, that's right."

More consideration, then the little girl said,
"Mommy doesn't have a penis."

Again, Dad confirmed this.

The three-year-old frowned, and then looked
up at her father said reassuringly, "Well Daddy,
I don't think you should worry, because yours is
very small."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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vegetables every time.
*Slicing Board that turns the Titan Peeler into the perfect slicer.
*Garnishing Book with tips and tricks on preparing fruits and
vegetables.

http://buffaloschips.com/peeler

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1600

El Scorcho

The gang arrive at the starting point.

Tami: My stomach is feeling a bit tight.

Sandi: Let me see that vitamin bottle.

Rudy hands it over.

Sandi: This is a diarrhetic not vitamins.

Rudy: So?

Sandi: This will make her go to the bathroom... a lot.

Tami: Anyone know where the bathroom is?

Katie: I saw one over the hill.

Tami: I will be right back.

Katie: Hurry the race is about to start.

Rudy: Sorry, I got it out of the medicine cabinet.

Sandi: Well we need to get her lots of water, she could get
dehydrated.

Rudy: Okay, I will get her a lot of fluids.

A few minutes later Tami comes back huffing and puffing...

Tami: I am out of breath but feeling better...

Katie: Hurry the race is about to start..

Loudspeaker: 3, 2, 1 ... GO!

Tami: Good grief, I am really ready, but here goes.

Rudy: Go Tami!

Sandi: Go Tami!

Katie: Go Tami!

Tami: Is there another Bathroom?

To be continued

The herd in Guthrie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:

William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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