Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Ok Here is the rest of the story so to speak on the Navy joke. As
you can probably guess I loved the Navy and have mostly good
memories. My whole life has been this way and when I
hit the bad times I rant a little and know that God and my friends
will see me through.
11. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night.
When it goes off, jump out of the bed and get dressed as fast as you
can, then run out into your front yard and sit in your car (battle
station).
b. General Quarters, actual and drills can happen anytime in peace
and war when the crew is required as a whole to handle a situation
be it a fire or attack. You have 5 minutes from alarm to get dressed
and make it to your station before all the hatches are dogged tight.
Absences are not appreciated.
12. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and
then put them back together.
b. Machinery maintenance is important to guarantee that it will work
when needed. Simple things like oil changes are done monthly and
inspections yearly and major overhauls every 5 years. Prevent
failures not repair
13. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot, brew (cook) and allow it to sit
for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
b. What can I say, I like my coffee strong.
14. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and
visit for a couple of months.
b. You better learn to like them.. Your life may depend on it.
15. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee
table and lie under it to read books.
b. Ah the amenities of a bunk. If the womb was so well equipped we
would never leave after only 9 months
16. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills on your front and
back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your
head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.
b. People learn after a few concussions and abrasions to pick up
their feet and look up and down as they walk. At. 5'7" I never
banged my head much. People over 6'6" are not allowed on subs.
17. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is
baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the
top.
b.It is rough being the person on the high side of the cake and
great being on the low side. Navy chocolate cake with vanilla icing
is so moist and delicious. I have never had a lopsided cake and the
bakery was awesome. I pity the soldiers who have to eat out of a
plastic pouch although it is suitable for short camping trips.
18. Every so often, throw your cat into the swimming pool, shout
"Man Overboard, Ship Recovery!".
b. Scary situation. Picture yourself in the water after a fall from
up to sixty feet. You may be injured, unconscious, or drowning as
your ship
steams away. A deck watch sees you in the water and choppers and
rescue personnel are launched, ships boats are lowered and everyone
musters to find who is missing. As long as there is a glimmer of
hope they will search for you, days if necessary, along with the
other ships of your task force. In a drill you have twenty minutes
to muster and recover the dummy in the water or stand by for more
drills till you get
it right.
19. Run into the kitchen and sweep all the pots/pans/dishes off the
counter, then yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed for
sea".
b. Gear adrift is never tolerated, items that are not secured or put
away become missiles in high seas or a collision. Carriers are a
little
more lax as we don't rock as much side to side, more of an up and
down motion. We eat off china with glasses and white china cups. I
saw a 29 degree roll during a typhoon which wiped out all of the
plates in the aft galley. We ate off paper plates the rest of the
way home. It is not unusual for a destroyer to take 45 degree rolls
under the same conditions.
20. Put on headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and
stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular), "Stove
manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again, to
nobody in particular), "Stove secured". Roll up the cord and put the
headphones away.
b. Sound powered telephones which work on the same principal as the
two tin cans and a string are still used by the Navy because they
are unaffected by a loss of power during battle. There are dozens of
circuits manned by the watches that are connected to the bridge,
damage control, and flight control to name a few. Some are manned
24-7 and some just during general quarters, anchoring, getting
underway or other special operations.
Enjoy the Chips... buffalo
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Counting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.
One
day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his
newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him and addition
question. So they uncle asked, "What is three plus four?"
The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven."
The uncle said, "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands
because
someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for
it.
Now put your hands in your pockets."
So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked,
"What is five plus five?"
The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said,
"Eleven."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Net Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they
really
can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive
information
considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for,
but
most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can
spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it
too
much you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in
something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very
complicated
system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big
trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions,
it
will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth
did I
do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow
inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think
it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still,
many
of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others
believe it should be open to all comers.
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Flying Chips
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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses
power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with
all
their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in
back
to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a
pistol.
"Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle.
"More!"
he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains
control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get
into a
jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the
road
who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit
me
on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even
harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the
head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the
sidewalk
who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"
The
boy replies, "I farted and blew up my school!"
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Oprah Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
Winfrey.
Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you?
You are
always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do
when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your
age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite
good at it.'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it
with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't
believe I have ever
been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles
in your left hand
and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in thirty
minutes.'
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy.
She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat
performance and have
it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold
my testicles in your
left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in
thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your
batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she
stole my wallet.'
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The shy young man and his shapely date were parked under a romantic
moon. Placing his hand on her thigh, he whispered, "I love you."
With a
deep sigh, the girl replied, "A little higher." "I love you," came
the
higher-pitched reply.
What is the difference between frustration and panic? Frustration is
the
first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is
the
second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country
home
and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived.
She
also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for
a
night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and
Nancy
went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to
soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire
to
the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister
would
like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She
loves
it."
Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He's using my hand!".
What did Spock find in the Enterprises' toilet?
The Captain's log.
One Greek says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parrot Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a
perch in
front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady! You're
really
fucking ugly."
Furious, the lady stormed past the store to work. On the way home
she
saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady! You're really
fucking
ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady! You're
really
fucking ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said
she would sue the store to get rid of the bird. The store manager
apologized
profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it
again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot
called to
her, "Hey lady!"
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Apple Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walks into a grocery store to buy some apples. He looks around
and
sees many different kinds for different prices.... 1.47/kg....
1.97/kg.... 1.85/kg. Then he notices some for $50 per apple. He
calls
the store clerk over......
MAN: Excuse me..... why are these apples so expensive?
CLERK: They're exotic, imported and taste like all different kinds
of
fruit.
The man thinks about it.... decides to give it a try, pays the $50
bucks
and takes a bite of the apple.
MAN: It tastes like an apple!!
CLERK: Turn it around.
The man turns it around and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like a peach!
CLERK: Turn it around.
The man does so and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like bananas!
CLERK: Turn it around.
Again the man does and takes another bite.
MAN: Wow! It tastes like strawberries! This is amazing!
The man glances around the store some more and notices another bunch
of
apples for $80 each.
MAN: What's the story with those apples?
CLERK: Well.... they're exotic, imported and taste like pussy.
The man thinks this is an outrageous price for an apple but is too
curious to pass it up..... after all, the clerk told the truth about
the
other apples. He pays the $80 bucks and takes a bite of the apple.
MAN: Awe fuck! It tastes like shit!
CLERK: Turn it around.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
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if women ran hell
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he's depressed
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A team playing baseball in Dallas.
Called the umpire bad names out of malice.
While that worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor;
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says,
"nice
mouse." Man says, "not ordinary mouse. it talks." Bartender says "oh
yea, what about?" Man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar,
the
mouse will tell me what colour panties she has on." Bartender says
"really? I gotta see this." Man points to woman says to
mouse;"Mouse:
woman!" Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and
comes
back and says "pink." "Wow, bartender says. will he do that for me?"
Man
says "Sure." Bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to
her,
says "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off
the
bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf. Bartender says
"What's wrong with you?" Mouse says "I taught I taw a puddy tat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three priests are chatting when the first priest says he's
going to give up red meat for lent. The second priest thinks
for a minute and says he's going to give up sweets for Lent.
The third priest's attention had wandered to a passing woman
wearing 4 inch heels and a tiny skirt when the first priest
asks him what he was going to give up for lent. After
regaining control of himself he returns to the conversation
and replies, 'Celibacy.'
Patricia
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1595
A New Job pt 4
BJ gets in his car after finding out where the dogs should be and
heads
that way.
About fifteen minutes later....
Rudy: A-Roo!!! We're saved!
Sandi: Daddy come quick. We still have a problem.
BJ: What is it?
Sandi: Katie got impatient, and took off looking for home.
BJ: Good grief. Which way did she go?
Sandi pointing: That way.
BJ: It is the wrong way. Hop in the car and we will chase her
down.
I will roll the window down and call for her okay.
Rudy: A-Roo!
Sandi: Okay....Katie!
Down the road...a tired Katie is laying down on the grass...
Katie: Why did I leave my brother and sister? I am alone in the
world.
No father, no mother...doomed I say doomed.
Honk Honk!
Katie: FATHER!!!
BJ: Hop in girl. Time to go home.
Katie hops in and start to jabber..
Katie: And there were these monsters in the shadows and we chased
them and then we...
BJ: Did you get your newspapers delivered?
Sandi and Rudy looked at each other: No.
BJ: Let's finish the job, then you guys need to retire from that
profession.
Sandi: I agree.
Rudy: I concur.
Katie: How about our money?
BJ: Katherine!
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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