Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Most countries have set aside a day to honor mothers. About
75 of them do so on the second Sunday in May including the
U.S. and Canada. I don't want to play my mom is better than
your mom because I already know I have the bestest mom in
the world so instead this year I will share this famous Erma
Bombeck piece that was sent in by Dolores.
"The Creation of a Mother"
When the good Lord was creating mothers He was into His sixth day of
overtime when an angel appeared and said" You're doing a lot of
fiddling around on this one." And the Lord said" Have you read the
spec on this one? She has to be completely washable but not plastic
have 180 moveable parts all replace able run on black coffee and
leftover shave a lap that disappears when she stands up a kiss that
can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair
and six pair of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said"
Six pairs of hands...no way." "It's not the hands that are causing
me
Problems" said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers
have to have." "That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. The
Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks"
What are you kids doing in there?! " when she already knows. Another
herein the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what
she has to know and of course the ones here in front that can look
at a child when he goofs up and say" I understand and I love you"
without so much as uttering a word." "Lord" said the angel touching
his sleeve gently" Rest for now. Tomorrow. "I can't" said the Lord.
"I'm so close to creating something close to myself. Already I have
one who heals herself when she is sick can feed a family of six on
one pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand under a
shower." The angel circled the model of the mother very slowly.
"She's too!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what the
mother can do or endure." "Can she think?" "Not only think but she
can reason and compromise" said the Creator. Finally the angel bent
over and ran her finger across the cheek. "There's a leak" she
pronounced. "I told you you were trying to put too much into this
model." "It's not a leak" said the Lord. "It's a tear." "What's it
for?" "It! 'S for joy sadness disappointment pain loneliness and
pride." "You're a genius" said the angel. The Lord looked somber"
I didn't put it there."
~Erma Bombeck~
Dolores
BTW Nancy my mom is better than your mom.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Mother's day Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Top 15 rejected mothers day cards
Submitted by Jo thanx
15. I love you when you're happy.
I love you when you're sad.
I love you though you told me,
The milkman is my dad.
14. Roses are red, my childhood was blue.
Get out of my basement -- Your rent is past due.
13. The cards in the store
Were just too full of sex,
But I thought, "What the hell."
Love, Oedipus Rex
12. There once was a woman named Mother,
Who always did favor my brother.
But now that he's dead,
Mother senses with dread
That *her* nursing home's worse than the others.
11. You stood up to my father's kin,
their many threats of extortion.
Thanks for having me, Mother Dear,
instead of an abortion.
10. Dear Mom, in your Mother's Day card,
Is a question that you may find hard:
If Dad went astray,
If he left, as you say,
Who's that buried in the back yard?
9. Mom you're so great, Mom you're so cool.
Please don't send me, to an Arkansas school.
8. I know my Mom's a test tube.
I'm a sheep, not an ignorant rube.
No real Mom could be better,
She'd just wind up a sweater,
Adorning some debutante's boobs.
7. When I was born, you became a mom,
and gave me lots of joy and lovin'.
But now, I need to come back home --
I've got my *own* bun in the oven.
6. For my (almost) Fifth Stepmother:
Congrats to you, my almost-Mom,
You've nearly won the war...
Unlike all the other tramps
Dad picks up in the bar!
5. I'm going to Denmark, Mother, Dear,
For some changes of which you'll learn.
You always wanted a little girl --
Well, you'll have one when I return.
4. Your girlish figure disappears,
With each bite that you chew.
You now look worse in lingerie,
Than dear old Uncle Lou.
3. You've lovingly looked after me
Since I was just a baby,
So now I don't resent the fact
That both my moms are ladies.
2. I think of you, dear Mother,
as I'm in my cell, alone,
And miss the way you always made
our crack house a crack home.
1. You probably won't even listen,
You may still think, "How *could* he?"
But no card's as heartfelt as this 'un.
Best wishes, Soon-Yi and Woody
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Faking It
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Tin Can Phone
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Crowded Beach
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Babysitter Is Here
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Bachelor Fridge
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Backdoor
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Mothers
COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered,
you still could have written!"
MICHELANGELO'
"Can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you."
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew."
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
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Mom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear
1. I swallowed a goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time.
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes.
10. I'm moving out.
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Filet minyan.
If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box,
what
does a mohel carry? A Bris-kit!
Jewish Jeopardy: We give the answer, you add the question....
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?
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Blonde Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan
with
the second blonde, Robin, in great detail.
The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the
car
and says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand
the
plan.
You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three
minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Robin.
Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . .
Two minutes pass . . .
Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got
a
safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the
time
she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open
again with the security guard coming out. The guard's pants and
underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.
As
the gals are getting away, Trisha says "You are such a blonde! I
thought
you understood the plan!"
Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Trish."! You got it all mixed up. I said tie
up
the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Scared Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.
But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.
~~~~
It was laying limp in my hand.
It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
A MOTHER IS--
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MAMA'S TEARS
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Surfin Surfari
~~ Poems for All Mothers on this their special Day!~~~
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My Mom
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Special Mom
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~~ A Poem For Grandmother~
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~~A Poem for those have have lost a child or children~~
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Karen w/My Mother
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PianoLadyNancy w/Happy Mother's Day
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AngelOh w/Mother's Day Greetings
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Annie's Mother's Day
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If I Could Hear My Mother/Marlene
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Movie Clips
Ouch!!
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Recession
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Red State Update
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Singing Monkey
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Uncontrollable Sexual Urges
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What
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Canard
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Candid Camera Russian Style
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Carrier Landing
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Cat
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Cat Bird
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Duck Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man took his old duck to the Veterinarian, concerned
because the duck wouldn't eat. The Vet explained to
the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down
over their lower bills, and make it difficult for the
animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill
down, even with the lower bill. But you must be extra
careful because the duck's nostrils are located in
the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the
duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later
the Vet runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Vet inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!
He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?"
insisted the Vet.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I
took him out of the vice."
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Toon Chips
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Ben and Jerry's
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goggles
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Bigfoot
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Doggie Kisses
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Going To Sleep
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It Fits
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Aggies were digging a ditch,
When the one called the other a snitch,
And they started to fuss,
But were too dumb to cuss,
So this limerick's encountered a hitch.
____________
A middle-aged codger named Bruin
Found his love life completely a-ruin,
For he flirted with flirts
Wearing pants and no skirts,
And he never got in for no screwin'.
____________
I found a young harlot named Tessa,
Introduced her to our professor,
"Now prof, to learn more,
About sexual lore,
The first thing to do is undress 'er."
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUR CATHOLIC MOTHERS were having coffee together and discussing how
wonderful their children are: The first mother tells her friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a
Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down,
but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say,
'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She
replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale'
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my
God!
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy meets a childhood pal.
"What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman."
"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."
"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your
house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice,
'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and
catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the
two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a
fireman?" "No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1593
The New Job Pt 2
Rudy: Yawn!
Katie: Yeah, I need to go to the bathroom.
Sandi: Me too. Hey, we forgot our job!
Rudy: Oh, no, I bet we are fired.
BJ: No, you are not. I did the job for you. Now, I get to go to
my
job exhausted and tired.
Katie: That is a double adjective father.
BJ: Whatever, I am tired and you guys failed on your first night on
the
job. You need to think long and hard if you can do this.
Katie: Gulp! He's right. We need to go to bed earlier.
Sandi: Be more committed.
Rudy: Right, we cannot allow Pops to do our job for us.
The next morning....
The alarm rings...
Katie gets up and blows a bugle!
BJ jumps out of bed and starts to get dressed.
Sandi and Rudy are up and heading for the door.
Outside the three dogs and BJ are by the wagon.
Rudy: Whatcha doing Pops?
BJ: I am not sure... Oh you guys are going to throw newspapers.
I guess I am going back to bed.
Sandi: We are off Daddy..
BJ heads to bed and a few minutes later... ZZZZZ
About twenty minutes later...
Ring Ring Ring
To be Continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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