Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I just stocked up on the Popsicle, Creamsicle, and Fudgesicles at
Sav-a-lot for 1.00 a box and you don't have to worry about breaking
them because they are in singles. I am not supposed to be eating
singles or doubles but it wouldn't be summer without them.
The following is from the archives and is Mojo's explanation on how
to break a double Popsicle in half as I was ending up with more than
two pieces.
Da Herdmeister asked "P.S. Does anyone know the secret to breaking
a popsicle in half without ending up with 3 or four pieces?"
Your question prompted me with a challenge I haven't had for a
while... writing technical instructions on how to neatly break
apart the halves of a Popsicle (chocolate RULES!!!)
To start with rip one end of the bag open and, forming a seal across
the opening with your lips, blow gently but forcefully into the bag
to separate paper from ice pop. Then place the Popsicle or its
generic equivalent (which rarely seem to come in chocolate, dammit)
with the center depression between halves placed firmly against a
90° edge, preferable with a round of no more than a 2-3 mm radius,
the corner edge of a table or doorframe works well. place the heel
of your dominant hand onto the outer surface of the pop at right
angles so it so it nestles into, and presses equally on both sides
of the central depression, OVER THE PORTION HOUSING THE TOPS OF THE
STICKS.
Place your other hand across the first as if you were doing CPR
(Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation) compressions (if you don't know CPR
the Red Cross, St. John's Ambulance and many other organizations
have inexpensive, sometimes free courses in this essential art. It
is something everyone should know and even more so if you are
addicted to, as they say in French, les popsicles.
Apply pressure gently and with increasing magnitude until you feel
the ice pop distinctly start to give then release pressure
(continued pressure at this point can cause transverse fractures due
to the cup shape of the palm of the hand).
Hold the pop in front of you with one face toward you and place one
thumb 1/4 of the way down in the trough, and the other 1/4 the way
up from the bottom of the side facing you, then spread the fingers
of your hands along the length of the far side of the icy delight
and focusing like Bruce Lee breaking bricks, press gently but firmly
away with your thumbs, pulling with your fingers toward you.
Voilà. You ( to a 98% certainty have two reasonably equal
longitudinally oriented halves of nature's most perfect means of
rehydrating yourself and moderating your body temperature in these
'dog days' of summer. and just maybe they help bring you back to
your kid roots.
NOTE: Should these instructions fail to produce satisfactory results
and you wind up with a fragmented pop anyway, put the damn thing in
a bowl and pick up pieces with your fingers (or a spoon if you are
fastidious to the point of being anal retentive) and enjoy anyway.
(Alternatively, they may be packed in dry ice and shipped at your
expense to the author and he will dispose of the sordid evidence of
your failure, enabling you to avoid social embarrassment and the
resultant pariah status it can cause.)
Anything for a friend.
My only gripe about Popsicle's is that what I used to pay a nickel
for when I was a young'un, and well into my teens, now costs
anywhere up to and including 85 cents (convenience pricing), a
17-fold increase. I know it costs them more to make them, probably
as much as
2 or 3 cents a unit, but this is enough to make a bald cat throw a
hairball. They are raping our innocence and the innocence of
today's children. It could be justified if they were made with real
fruit juice but we are talking water, artificial and natural
flavours and colours here. Even Freshie® and Kool-Aid® have
increased by this margin. (the latter two are best made with 1½
quarts of water (about 2 litres) and two tablespoons of sugar
maximum or the equivalent in Sugar Twin® or whatever.)
Hope the Herd is keeping out of the heat (or cold if you are living
down under) and everyone is doing better.
Still breathingly, — mojo
Enjoy the chips.. buffalo
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Men Chips
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MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING Kissing/Light Petting What he
hopes you're thinking:
"Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What
he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"
Undressing What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE
of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of
that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at
the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he
cums, I'm going to kill him."
Penetration What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're
splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here),
yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for
this performance."
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name
here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an
earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Little Johnny Chips
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There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in
the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive
gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such
things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars,
if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree,
and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks
over the five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little
Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did
not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So
he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone
to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could
you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means
necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the
first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet
50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks.
She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you
and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little
boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just
speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win,
I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad
of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid
kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put
an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to
prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to
make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs
her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that
her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the
wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a
little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her
success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be
wagering again." The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me
that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him
wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my
genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take
your underwear off on the first day of class....!"
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Father Chips
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A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was
very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!"
Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you?" look, and couldn't remember ever
having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she
had made a mistake and apologized. Look," she said, "I'm really
sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one
of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was
dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world
coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who
fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her," he thought
but, MAYBE during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was
in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
"Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really
drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of
everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's
second grade teacher!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Light Chips
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Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially
bright, white couple.
Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black
baby, and set to work.
Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely
white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work
why they hadn't parented a black baby.
Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside
and asked, "Is your wanker at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches
wide?"
Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your
problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much
light!"
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Nude Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage,
and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were
preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been
any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've
worn that silly hat to bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Family and Friends
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Brother Bob's Poems Of The Week:
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Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
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Movie Links
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Hell Chips
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The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down
here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink.
Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We
drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the
world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're
already
dead, remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette,
poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Toon Chips
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baboons
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bitchin head
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bite my ass
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a young masturbator,
Who bought an electric vibrator.
She put it inside,
But the reason she died,
Was its faulty speed regulator!
There was a young student called Jones,
Who'd reduce any maiden to moans,
By his wonderful knowledge,
Acquired in college,
Of nineteen erogenous zones.
There was a young whore from Kilkenny,
Who charged two fucks for a penny,
For half of that sum,
You could bugger her bum,
An economy practised by many
<Snagged by>
Ross
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Parting Chips
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According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family
soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months
went by without success, they consulted the base physician,
who chose to examine Mom right then and there.
"Please disrobe," he told her.
"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.
Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found
the problem."
Randy
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1841
Friday Night Lights
Soon the pickup is unloaded and Dad is in the house. He goes to the
back door where there are four noses pressed against the window.
He lets the dogs in where he is almost knocked to the floor by the
enthusiasm of the doggies.
BJ: Hey he guys, calm down. Let's go to the bed and say hello.
Zoom (times four)
Sandi: I missed you daddy.
BJ: But it is better for you here isn't it Sandi?
Sandi: I hate to say it but yes.
Katie: I will go back with you father if you want me to.
BJ: Would you rather stay here?
Katie: I love to run. I cannot run here. Yet, I miss my siblings
so
much, so I would prefer to stay. It runs 48 percent for Guthrie and
52 percent here.
BJ: So stay here.
Katie: Okay.
BJ: Rudy?
Rudy: I am 100 percent Kansan dude.
Val: Me to.
BJ: Okay, glad to hear you are walking with Diana again Mr
Rutherford.
The herd
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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