Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I thought you would like this little Email.
Halg31 DT2 USN
How to Simulate Being in the Navy
1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.
(1a. Submarines - Black outside Pea Green inside)
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
3. Repaint your entire house every month.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the
bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take
showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.
6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let
the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his
complaints.
7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble
them.
8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.
9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.
10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the
water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use
too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.
11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't
turn over without getting out and then getting back in.
12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with
a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours
after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say
"Sorry, wrong rack."
13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house
- dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6
months.
14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle
so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille,
all hands heave out and trice up."
15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do
the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at
0600 while she reads it to you.
16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting
permission to leave your house before 1500....... In triplicate.
17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers,
sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and
aft, empty all shit cans and butt kits!"
18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the
rest.
19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one-- the same one every night.
20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a
megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All
hands man your battle stations!
21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting
the pantry or refrigerator.
22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they
are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an
hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of
steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until
they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.
23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.
24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (mid rats)
25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At
the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to
button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks.
Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a
simulated fire..
26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout
"Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast
they respond.
27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in
front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove
secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a
shoe box.
28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10
p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the
ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house.
(For aircraft carrier sailors.)
29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to
your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay
one!"
30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family
stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
(Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.)
31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the
biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap
yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get
up and go to work.
32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living
room, and run it all day long.
33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee
grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.
34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.
35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.
36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.
37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to
the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar,
and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.
39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell
them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney
World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip
to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for
an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the
house.
Oh, how I miss those days..!!!
(yeah, right..!)
Hal
buffalo says The Navy was like another planet with it's own
languages,
customs, and rules. If you accepted and trained then someday what
seemed like insanity became genius and you wondered why anyone
would live their life any differently.
Enjoy the chips.. buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Stutter Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop
stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned
doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your
problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is
pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." So the man asks,
"What's he cure, doctor?". To which the doctor replies, "We have to
cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his
stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success,
and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had
the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and
his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to
operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the
line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6
inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-
Y-y-you!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
oh poop
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paranoia
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hello Pentagon?
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Just Drive
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Kangaroo Masturbating
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Karaoke For The Deaf
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Advice Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Extracts from the problem page of the famous Australian men's
magazine "Cobbler's", starring the legendary "Uncle Bruce,"... the
" agony aunt with Balls"
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet.
I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky as they have been
there for two months.
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are
sober anyway.
Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you
one lucky b@st@rd! Just on a medical note rubbers are good when you
do an Abo as they are smelly b@st@rds, Oh and Roos too, helps avoid
bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old
girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring.
Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used
it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one up the shitter and now she wants
me to do her mate.
A. Eh mate you're from Melbourne right? No worries mate, as long
as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the
showers.
Is this normal , I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only queers play hockey.
Q .Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we
have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her ?
Q. Dear Bruce , I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather
trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't
know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're
queer, no one likes you , get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the
word Foreplay. Then it struck me, Fore is what you shout in golf..
Jeez guy, men don't play golf with women but it's ok for her
practice putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose.
What do I do ?
A. Deny ,deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever ,ever, ever ,ever
admit to going with a kiwi.
Q. Bruce the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo
sex.
What is it ?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a
f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape rather than
wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap, and the other one is
when you drink too much and your old boy it Dingo in and dingo hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ski Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An avid skier decided that he would ski all the major
mountains in the world. He spent a decade at this, climbing
and then skiing the world's major peaks. Finally he decided
he must ski Mt. Fuji, in Japan. He bade farewell to his wife
and set off for the Land of the Rising Sun.
The fateful day came, the weather was right, and the skier
climbed to the top of Fuji and skied down. So thrilled was
he with his achievement that he decided to send his wife a
postcard of Mt. Fuji, describing his feat. While in the shop
buying the postcard, he decided, on a whim, to buy a postcard
picturing a young, scantily clad geisha to send to his buddy
who couldn't make the trip.
Unfortunately, he wrote the wrong messages on the cards, and
sent them to the wrong recipients. On the back of the card
showing Mt. Fuji, which he mistakenly sent to his buddy, he
wrote: "Having fun in Japan!" And on the back of the card
showing the scantily clad geisha, which he mistakenly sent
to his wife, he wrote, "Here's a picture of the slope I went
down on Thursday!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jarhead Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a
Marine Corps base and decide to visit.
They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's
window, and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down
the window, and the Marine smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says," Hey, why'd you do that?"
The Marine says, "You're on a United States Marine Corps Base, son.
When I come up to your car, you'll have your ID card ready".
Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force, and we didn't
know."
The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window.
The passenger rolls his window down, and the Marine smacks him with
the nightstick.
The passenger says, "Hey what'd you do that for?"
The Marine says, "Just making your wish come true".
The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna
say, "I wish that Jarhead would've tried that shit with me!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
QA Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the
machinery and offers him the job.
"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.
"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and
proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line,
stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his
penis
and calls the secretary over. She proceeds to hitch her skirt up,
pull her knickers down and bends over. The foreman gives her a
good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic,
stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.
"Easy as that", he says.
"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.
"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"
Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is
outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.
Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully
counts
as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra
comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the
light
to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the
secretary over. Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and
proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.
Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary
who says...
"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
Judy w/ Conspiracy
http://frommyheart2
Always Remember
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Whyoming Cowgirl
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Wireless companies have accidentally stumbled and "opened up" an
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Surfin Surfari
the robot art of mike slobot Via Wesley
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uncyclopedia Via Wesley
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Peep Recipes Via Wesley
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Autonomous Alpine Shelter Via Wesley
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Rotating Skyscrapers
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*+*+*+*+*+*+
Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must
have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today and tomorrow,
especially on Thankgiving of all days, but I don't care anymore
because I think it's just the right thing to do.
Okay, let me catch my breathe while I type this because you're not
going to believe this...First off, thank you so much for taking a
minute to read this, my name is Justin Blake, and I'm a millionaire
that was dared to do something insane tonight and tomorrow morning,
and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but
you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take
advantage of this:
As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away my Online
Business Kit, but I'm only giving it away this today and tomorrow
morning.....
Press here to get your copy:
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Free Skype Call Recorder
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Free TXT Messaging
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Listen, you will have no one but yourself to blame if you don't go
on an intimate date this weekend with a beautiful single woman or
man! NO ONE BUT YOURSELF TO BLAME!!!
Why will we blame you? Because we are giving away memberships to our
ADULTS ONLY dating community this week....and you can get one right
now for no cost...but we will not be giving them away forever.
PRESS HERE to meet single women or men this week for an intimate
date:
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
http://petcaretips.
Zoo Animals
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We understand that you may have accidentally deleted important
documents, pictures, or other various files from your computer that
you thought you could never get back.
Well, we wanted to let you know that you can easily get your deleted
pictures, documents, or files back today using a program called File
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You can easily try File R/D right now, for no cost, to run a -free-
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Once the scanning is complete you will have full control over which
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Movie Links
Funny Hidden Camera Video http://www.buffalos
Girl On Bike
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Giving Change
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Glade Plug Ups
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Go Browns
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Amnesty Bills Worst Provision
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Funnel Prank
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Funniest Video Of The Year
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Funny Video
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lucky Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at
a pretty young woman in her short mini-skirt.
Using the time-honored ice breaker, he sends her
a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to
come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful
conversation.
Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look,
you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to
tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two
hundred dollars for what you think you'll get out
of me by plying me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money
but, since you were so straightforward I must
tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,
scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,
and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asks.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
complain2
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complete
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complete asshole
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computer joke
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computer of yours
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Buy 3 Rainbow Pepper plants and get 3 Big Bertha plants on us.
Learn More
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
There was a young man of Natal
Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
Said he, "You be buggered!
I like to fuck slow, and I shall."
A guy with his girl in a Fiat
Said, "Where on earth is my key at?"
As he started to seek
She let out a shriek
"THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A difficult customer went to a restaurant, and asked the waiter who
had come to take orders, "Waiter first I want you to bring me soup.
It should not be too thick or too thin, it should not be too hot or
too cold, just in between. "Next you bring me beef steak, not
too tender, not too tough, just in between. Do not take too much
time between courses, not too slow or not too fast, just in
between."
At the end of the meal, he asked the waiter, "Bring me the
bill, not too high, not too low. Just in between."
When he made the payment, he gave the waiter a miserly tip.
Then the waiter who was furious told him, "Sir, kiss me on my ass,
neither to the left nor to the right, just in between!"
Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1565
Memories -- Katie
BJ: Have you seen my car keys Diana?
Diana: No, I haven't. They were on the kitchen counter.
BJ: I thought I put them there but they are not there now.
Honk Honk Honk.
Diana: Your car is honking. Your key has set off the alarm.
Both BJ and Diana are looking at each other: Katie!
In the backyard Katie is pawing the car keys.
The Care and Feeding of Humans by Katie Kassity
Oh it pains me to try and teach these people. They have racks for
their
keys and they do not put them there. So I have to teach them a
lesson.
Do they learn, no. Alas, it seems I am the teacher in the family
and
they are the students. I raised the alarm so to speak to let father
know
where the keys were so he would no be overly worried. I think I am
getting white hairs from trying to raise this family.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com
Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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