Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I got an official looking letter from the government this weekend
and since I am too old to be drafted and I got people if I get
audited on my taxes I figured it was safe to open it. It was from
the EPA accusing me and everyone over 55 of being major contributors
to global warming. The source, they claim, is all of the
candles on our birthday cakes. They may be right as there are a
lot of people, almost 8% of the population born in April and
I have noticed that the snow does seem to melt pretty fast in April.
Anyhow they are levying a tax of a dollar a candle which means
now I got another 58.00 a year in taxes to pay even if I decide to
put LED candles on my cakes, although there is a one time deduction
for energy efficient candles.
The one thing they didn't explain was what they were going to use
the money they collected for, and as you can probably guess that
this is a really large of money probably in the billions with all of
those
baby boomers running around. It took me all night on Google and
reading the Congressional Record to find the amendment that was
attached to the 2009 Global Warming Act. The money is being
used to create 100 refrigerated Holiday Inn Expresses for Polar
Bears in the Bering Sea. They will be fed meals of Salmon Sushi and
Arctic Seals prepared by chefs that have been kicked off of one of
those reality shows.
I thought about it for awhile and we haven't done much for polar
bears or bi-polar bears for that matter so they probably deserve
free hots and a cot as much as anyone. Then it came to mind that
some of those bears came from Siberia and others come from the
North Pole, and there are
probably some that are Canadian too. I don't mind helping American
Bears during these hard times but why should I be giving food and
housing to Russian Bears. To make matters worse I heard that Russian
Bears carry nuclear weapons so they better have the bears prove
their nationality before giving them my money.
I want to thank everyone for the cards and wishes. Eva was watching
me open cards this morning and getting a kick out of it. Enjoy the
chips.
buffalo
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Drunk Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late one evening a drunk staggered into the YMCA and asked to be put
up for the night. The arrangements were made and he staggered to
his room where he found another fellow sitting on the lower bunk.
"Where in the hell is the john?" the intoxicated gent asked his room
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Rising to his feet the drunk spat and said, "To hell with those
other two stairs, I'm pissin' right here!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Parking Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:
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*Spaces in the front are always the best
*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear
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*It sucks when someone else is double-parked
*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get
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*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there
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*A full-size car is good to find
*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never
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*A house isn't a home without a parking space
*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only
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*The better your parking techniques are the more parking
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When
they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the
second, "My!
Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old
lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display
such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!" Where upon the
first old lady accidentally blurted out, "...and cold, too!"
A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were
beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one
such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her
performance.
The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only
paid me one hundred dollars!"
Vito and Juliana were having their usual battle of the sexes.
"Italian men are all stupid animales," screamed Juliana.
"Oh, yeah?" yelled her husband. "I'll have you know it was an
Italian man who invented the toilet seat, you stupid Guinea bitch!"
"And I'll have you know, you dumb Calabrase" said his wife, "it was
an Italian woman who thought to put a hole in it!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two divorced women, Jill and Nadine, were having a quiet drink at
the bar, when Jill said to Nadine, "I've recently met a man who's
shown me what I've been faking all these years!"
Nadine looked slightly puzzled and enquired, "What's that?"
Jill smiled and said: "An orgasm!"
Q. Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his
ass?
A. Every time he sits down, Quebec separates!
Q. Did you hear about the diner that promotes safe sex?
A. They write the bill on a condom. In that way you can wine and
dine your date, and stick her with the bill.
Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.
Q. Have you heard about the new gay sitcom?
A. Leave it; it's Beaver.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hair Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to
you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many
things do, with me having trouble pooping.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a
matter of technique. It seems my butt -
hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly
getting tied up in the matted jungle between my butt-cheeks. It led
to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to
drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt
hair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either
reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf
(which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all
over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was
doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could
remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached
its Can't-Be-
Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time
to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair,
right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my
grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It
is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other
regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by
General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK.
"There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some
idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor
and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from
the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my
butt of hair.
Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair
and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel.
Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the
hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one
last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile
of hair. My butt was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied,
thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this
world G~d created, it has its mighty purpose in existence.
It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much
I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I
learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading
for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to
sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was
accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation
of my two butt-
cheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about
going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class.
Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the
microscopic poop - molecules lingering around my brown starfish.
When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a
slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my
dorm, it started to itch. G~d-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm
of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep
from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back
to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I
finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth
against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly
dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my butt off by sticking it in
front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds
of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room.
Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst
of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan
and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as
I sat there, fighting vomit, my butt cheeks spread and dripping,
with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy
smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one
thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my butt at every
opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for butt-hair -
ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get
stuck between my butt cheeks.
Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed
together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and
down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As
anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first
growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your butt having the
texture of a Brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now.
It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look
out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get
it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this
constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR BUTT-HAIR!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
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Keeping Up
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Advise for the Dimocraps
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Sign Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and
the madam said, "You'll have to wait."
"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."
"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."
"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."
So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff
and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they
decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they
freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them
over, staggers to
the door, and knocks.
"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"
"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that
your sign fell down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fat Wedding
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Funny Sign
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Glasses
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Promise
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Gun Bag
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Hamburger
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Brady Brunch
Here's a little story about the BRADYS
It's gonna put a blush on old Slim SHADY
Mrs. B. explained the SITUATION
"The men have gone to lunch, let's have a celebration"
Alice the maid knew what Carol was implying
Sent Cindy to her room, she ran there CRYING
Then Carol and Alice and Marcia and JAN
Got naked as they laughed and said, "Don't need no MAN!"
Carol hit the bed and said "Who's up for a LICKING"
Jan already had her fingers rubbing and SLICKING
Laid back and let the old lady do her BEST
Alice talked to Marcia while she touched her BREASTS
Carol slurped and smacked on Jan who lied there WIGGLING
Alice played with Marcia and the two were GIGGLING
Then the old maid said, "Let's all get on the TRAIN"
And they fell into place in a pussy CHAIN
Carol ate Jan, while Marcia ate Carol's ASS
Alice opened up a box and got her STASH
Slid a 14 inch dildo up Marcia's BUTT
And Marcia started howling like a wounded MUTT
Pussy filled the air, juices started RUNNING
Jan said "Mom keep going, I think I'm CUMMING"
Alice had her fingers in Marcia's SLOT
Carol said, "All right girls, let's see what you GOT!"
They all started panting, touching, licking, KISSING
The boys never realized what they were MISSING
Sweat poured from them as they got their GROOVE
Then Carol decided to bust a MOVE
She and Jan got down and nailed a sixty-NINER
Alice hooked on Jan and wiggled in beHIND HER
Then the Whoresome Foursome feasted on the PINK
Lapping up each hot drop that they could DRINK
The wailing got wild, and they started BLUSHING
Felt their hearts go crazy, and their blood start RUSHING
Their bodies got tight and they started to SPASM
Until they all were squealing with multiple orGASMS
So there's the story of a lady who's got it ALL
Four girls, four guys, she has a BALL
Later that night the horny bitch flashed her LEG
Got into the car and gave it up to GREG
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cinderella is sitting home, crying. A fairy flies by and hears the
crying, so he decides to check it out. He goes in and asks
Cinderella:
"Why are you crying?" "Others are at the ball, but I can't go
there!"
"Why?" "I'm having my period" "Others have periods too, but they are
at the ball?" "Yes, but I don't have a tampon!" So the fairy gives
Cinderella a golden tampon, packed in a silver box. Even
Cinderella's mother doesn't have so beautiful tampons. So
Cinderella goes to the ball. Later that night, past midnight,
Cinderella comes home, her legs spread wide open, like she has given
birth to five babies. The same fairy happens to see her and asks,
what happened? "You didn't tell me that when it's midnight it will
turn into a pumpkin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1578
The Parade
Katie starts up the Pt Cruiser and pulls the Space Shuttle down the
driveway
and heads for the main street. Tami is sitting inside the Space
Shuttle
waiting for the parade to start.
Tami: Okay, how does this remote work? I cannot read it. It is in
some weird language.
Katie: It is in doggie language. The A-Roo means up. The Aroo
means
down, The A-roo means faster, the aroo means down, the aRoo means
right, the AROO means left and so on.
Tami: They all sound the same to me.
Katie: Hrumpt! You bi-peds...
Tami: I will figure it out, I mean if a dog can use it, surely a
human can
use it. Let me get into this outfit and the parade is ready to go.
Katie: Oh yes, famous last words.
The parade starts and Tami gets in front of the 18 wheeler (pt
crusier)
and hits the remote....and shoots straight up....pinwheel fashion.
to be continued
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com
Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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