Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A couple of weeks ago I got the notice that the census questionnaire
would be arriving in a few days and it showed up right on schedule.
I left it alone for the weekend and then filled it out and mailed it
in.
No problems or hassles, about 5 minutes and it was ready to go.
The next day after I mailed it I get a note from the Census Bureau
asking if I had finished filling it out and reminding me to get it
in the
mail which is actually quite stupid. The questions begin as of April
1, 2010 who lived at your address. How can you be expected to tell
them in mid-March who will be here on April 1. If you die in your
sleep
or get run over by a car on March 25th, are you guilty of lying to
the
census? They taught you in the Navy to never sign and date your
logs
till after your watch was over because it was a legal document,
shouldn't the Census at least asked who you anticipated to be living
in your house on April 1?
Buffy's neighbor awhile back goes to the bar and has a few too
many drinks and decides to drive home from the bar. He notices
a cop following him so when he gets to his house he calmly pulls
into his drive, shuts the car off, and gets out as the police car
pulls
up behind him. Not a bad plan, because some officers will tell
you not to drive again that night and leave it at that except this
guy
forgot to put his car in gear and it rolled back and hit the police
car
which is hard to ignore. The guy went to jail.
Don't drink and drive.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Breast Chips
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Paddy Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has
happened.
'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure
while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous
smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the
lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence
the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy,
Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.
Devo
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Shorts Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two guys were walking down the street one day when they
came across a small pair of gym shorts on the ground.
They decided to put a sign up on the church bulletin board so the
rightful owner could claim them.
The first one starts to write out the sign, "FOUND: one pair of boys
gym shorts..."
"Hold on," says the second, "Those are girls gym shorts."
"No they're not," says the first, "They're boys shorts!"
The second grabs them from him and takes a closer look, "No, no ...
Definitely girls gym shorts!"
The two of them are inspecting the shorts in turns and arguing.
"Boys shorts!", "No, girls shorts!", "Definitely boys shorts!" ....
and so on.
The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help
but ask them what the commotion is all about.
The first guy tells the priest, and asks him if he could
sort out the argument.
The priest takes the shorts, has a good long sniff, and after
pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:
"Definitely boys shorts!.....
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Morning Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"WHY MEN CAN'T GET OUT OF BED"
BRAIN SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We're picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it's "The Last Train to
Clarksville.
CENTRAL: Goodness, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness... darkness... Wait,
there's a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna
Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to "wife," sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want
to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what's going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we've taken a hit, it...it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about
1900 hours and we've been out of action ever since. I don't...I
don't know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We're all counting on
you up here. Don't give up now. Remember the chili of '94? We made
it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I've got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It's horrible.
CENTRAL: Damn it sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It's... It's six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought... I thought that we'd
had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what's going to happen if we
go
conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That's right, Number One. It'll be work, all right. I
don't... don't know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders!
Let's get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I'm trying to think. Get our
remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything
that
feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another
three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: We registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was
pretty faint and I didn't think...
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I'm afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a
burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You're going to have to hold on, you hear
me? Hold on, and it will pass. I don't want ANYTHING getting through
to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I'll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That's the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We've been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in
flames. I'm trying to keep it contained, but I can't promise
anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I'll call him when I need him.
Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of
water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the
snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don't mind telling you, if we don't get this
under control we're going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that
the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It's going to
commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We've lost smile
control in the lower facial and we're developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I'm afraid we've had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on
target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It's gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We've done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep
mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido
asking
for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let's roll the one where we show up for
church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is
rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?
2) Excuse me, do you have a Band-Aid because I scraped my knee when
I
fell for you.
3) I hope you have a library card because I'm checking you out.
4) Your tag says Made in USA, but I could have sworn you were made
in
Heaven.
5) Hey lady, those are some nice clothes, can I talk you out of
them?
6) How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
7) Is your dad a terrorist? Cause baby your da bomb!
8) My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in.
9) Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.
10) Want to play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while
You blow the hell out of me.
11) If you were a burger at McDonald's, I'd call you McBeautiful.
12) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past you
again?
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he
got his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one
she wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand
sweetheart, but you can pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm
there under you."
The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The
Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know
we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to
conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you
you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your fucking act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Subscribers and Friends
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Movie Links
Very sexy girl from the musical Africa
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Doctor Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Boudreaux from Breaux Bridge A doctor in Louisiana wanted to
get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant, "Boudreaux, I
am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".
"Yes, sir..." answers Boudreaux.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So
Boudreaux, how was your day?"
Boudreaux tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one
had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Boudreaux! and the second one?" says the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir,"
says Boudreaux.
"Bravo, bravo Boudreaux! You're good at this and what about the
third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman
enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!"
"And what did you do Boudreaux?" asks the doctor.
"Mi Sha . . . I put eye drops in her eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
choke
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a girl from the chorus
Whose virtue was said to be porous.
She started by candling
And ended by handling
The whole clientele of a whorehouse.
A hard-working waitress named Cora,
Discovered that drummers adore a
Titty that's ripe
And a c*nt that is tripe --
Now she doesn't work hard any more-a.
A lady named Belle da C*nt Corrigan
Was the mistress of J. Pierpont Morigan,
'Til she handed the banker
A hell of a chancre,
And now she is just a plain whore again!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical checkup. After an
hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:
Mrs. Jones, overall you are a very healthy for a 45 year old woman.
There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds over weight
and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now
to save complications in later years.
She looks sternly and says,
"I demand a second opinion."
"Ok" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Most offensive cocktail
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1555
A Very Taxing Experience
Tami puts her head in her hands: Salad choices?
Waiter: Yes, Ma'am.
Tami: How about a garden salad?
Waiter: Yes, Ma'am, and what type of dressing?
Tami: French.
Waiter: The style of French, lite, or regular?
Tami: Regular.
Waiter: Very well.
Tami: Whew, I am utterly exhausted...
her psychologist is at the next table...he is watching her and
furiously
taking notes.
After eating her salad, the cook who looks a lot like Rudy wearing
a chef's hat, apron (a bit dirty), smoking a large cigar dropping
ashes
everywhere comes and drops the T-bone steak on her plate...uncooked.
Tami: What is this?
Cook: A T-bone steak.
Tami: It is uncooked.
Cook: It is what you ordered.
Tami: I want it cooked.
Cook: It will cost you more.
Tami: Ack! Okay, fine, cook it medium.
The cook grabs the steak with his paws and takes it back to the
kitchen.
Tami buries her head in her hands...
Just then Rob enters .... He is greeted by three employees who take
his coat, pin a carnation on his shirt, he is gleefully escorted to
the
table with two musicians playing music. He is seated, water is
poured
for him, while two waiters wait on him.
Rob: What a wonderful place!
Slap!
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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