Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A Navy Story for you today. The F-8 Crusader aircraft identifies it
as being mid 60's as they had been retired by the 70's in all except
recon duties.
Good naval aviation tale. Makes "sitting alert" into
a hairy experience.
I was assigned duty fighter alert although
conditions were too rough for the fleet to be
flying. Flight operations had been canceled. . . but
the On Duty Alert fighter had not.
I knew that there was no way they would launch me,
since green water was now elevating itself 80 feet [
or the deck was diving 80 feet into the North
Atlantic.
I was pulling significant plus and minus G's just
sitting in the cockpit. In addition there was a thin
sheet of clear ice that covered the flight deck
making taxiing impossible. In fact it had taken
about 10 sailors on each side of my aircraft just to
get me on the Cat. Each time the ship would roll
starboard the airplane would slide right. And each
time the ship rolled port we would slide left.
That was a helpless feeling to say the least.
Finally, with heavy chains, they tied my airplane to
the Cat. I was sitting in there, when all of a
sudden the big bull horn sounded :
" LAUNCH THE DUTY FIGHTER ! "
Hey . . you've got to be kidding !
My engine was not running and I had no electrical
power up for the command radio. But the launch crew
was already removing my 10 chain tie downs and
getting a ground starter in place. The crew gave me
a two-finger ' turn up' and pointed to my headset. I
knew this was a signal to call PRI-FLY.
Before I could transmit they were saying : " We have
an unidentified target approaching the 250 mile
circle and you must check it out. You
will be launched as soon as the ship can turn into
the wind ". " O s---" I thought.
The waves were so high that the catapult Shooter had
to time our bow's up and down movement before he
could launch my aircraft.
Frequently, the ship's nose would be buried in a
dive. The next moment
it, would be climbing a wave and simultaneously
rolling 10 to 20 degrees
. . while POINTING UP.
After checking all engine instruments [ hoping
finding a major problem ]
I determined that all systems were go. Also there
were 3,500 troops were watching to see if I was a
real fighter pilot. The Navy had bred into us to
never turn down a mission. This alert could be the
REA L ONE. And our fleet could actually be under
attack !
I saluted Shooter and adjusted back in my seat for
the shot.
As the ship's bow started up the shot came, I was
airborne at 180 kts in 1.8 seconds. There was no way
I could keep my feet on the rudders during the
catapult. After the catapult, some of us felt like
roadrunner birds - and we'd key the mike saying, "
BEEP BEEP."
About the time I was recovering from the shot,
Combat Control gave
me vectors to the incoming target. And they
instructed my speed to be G-A-T-E ! WIDE OPEN
THROTTLE WITH STEREO AFTERBURNER.
Even while rapidly climbing five miles high in less
than 60 seconds, the F-8 Crusader was accelerating
supersonic. And ninety seconds later, I was at 30M
heading for the bad guys.
To aid in finding the incoming Russian bomber(s) I
tweaked my radar range out to 60 miles. But
stationed on the outer edges of the fleet, a
destroyer (DD) was able to look out even farther
with its radar.
I was turned over to the DD and I reported my
position. They responded, " Roger, Silverstep. We
have you in contact." I asked : " WHERE'S THE BOGIE ? "
Silverstep : " It appears that was a false target "
[ possibly generated by a non-gyro stabilized radar
receiver due to the rough sea].
" WOW ! I had risked my life for a false target.
Now, I had to land on a boat that was bouncing up
and down like a cork."
Although being literally shot up into the air,
flying to the target had been routine. But landing
on a boat being " beaten around like a puppet jerked
on a string " was not.
I was given a You Are CHARLIE ON ARRIVAL meaning
that I could land immediately. I had the ship to
myself.
Usually, if a bird needs more fuel the tankers are
available to give it another drink. No tankers were
up on that day. On the other hand, I did come back
with enough gas for about six (6) landing attempts.
Thank goodness I did.
When the ship is just rocking and rolling, the
visual ' meatball ' on the final approach glide
slope is gyro-stabilized. But, if the ship is
H-E-A-V-I-N-
limits are exceeded making the ' meat ball's ' light
&beam inaccurate.
In this situation the Landing Signal Officer (LSO)
will manually control the meat ball to keep you on a
desired glide slope. In other words, he puts the
beam where he wants you to fly. He can judge the
huge waves and try to get you on board when the ship
is level . . somewhat.
In most cases the pilot is not able to see the
ship's movement on
his approach. His thoughts are 100% focused on
staying on the ' meatball. ' And all the way to a trap, he is saying
to himself : MEATBALL . . LINE-UP . . AIRSPEED ? This time I could
see the ship's movements . . loud and clear !
The ship would be nose high while in a roll 20
degrees to port. That would be like flying into a
wall. Now making another quick glance, and the boat
was nose low an d rolling both ways. With other
glances, I could actually see the ship's huge screws
under the fantail.
I was in deep trouble. Perhaps making it impossible
to make a successful landing.
The LSO was letting me fly in as close as possible
before hitting the big red flashing lights. I was
doing everything correctly, but got the wave off on
my first 5 approaches. The LSO was not going to let
me land on those first threatening approaches
because I might destroy more parked airplanes than a
Kamikaze.
I had fuel enough for ONE more attempt. Needless to
say I was calling on a Higher Power to help me out.
Thank goodness He was watching over me.
When I felt that tail hook en gage the cable, I was
the happiest man on board the USS Independence. The landing is just
the opposite of the Cat shot. No matter how tight you secured your
shoulder harness, your head is thrown forward and down. But after
moment you recover your senses and taxi out of the landing area.
But my problems were not over.
I had to taxi on a thin sheet of ice that covered
the rolling deck. Each time the ship would roll . .
the Crusader would skid in that direction.
A few days earlier, I had observed an aircraft skid
and drop overboard. Not many pilots survive. The 80
foot fall usually
knocks them out - or their injuries disable them
and they sink with the bird.
This was called " Church ". When someone would ask
what happened to a pilot in an accident they would respond :
" Church " meaning that he was killed and a memorial service
was held.
Finally, the flight deck crew got enough chains and
tie downs on the bird to keep it from taking a salt
water swim along with its pilot. There was
no "Church" on that day for one happy pilot.
The ships Captain congratulated my airmanship.
The flight surgeon gave me a few ounces of brandy
and I headed to my stateroom for a little R &R. The
ship was still bucking and heaving so while laying
in my bunk I was mentally still pulling plus and
minus G's
Epilogue
After my Navy flying I joined the airlines. Many
times I was very amused at the response of some of
my co-pilots complaining about how hard and
dangerous airline flying was.
I felt like I had retired when first taking the
airline job [even though it did have many challenges
there as well ]. But nothing compared to landing,
day and night, on an aircraft carrier. I had
adventures you can't buy in the civilian world.
Ron Knott
Enjoy the chips.. buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tattoo Chips
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Huge 300lbs. woman walks in to a tatoo shop and asks the artist:
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for
most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality.
This was a survey published in "Full Of Shit Magazine."
A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
courtesan.
"Is it true Asian women's vaginas are slit sideways?" he asks.
"Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"
Mary: My #1 ex was probably the dumbest of all.
Jill: Why do you say that?
Mary: He came into the bedroom one night holding a jalepeño pepper
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Jill: Well, what did he say?
Mary: He said, "You told me that we needed to spice up our love
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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War Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a
British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about
the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when
she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first
thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than
that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
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Poetry Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is the tale of Freddy Law
whose sexual equipment got jammed in the door.
By the time they freed him, he didn't feel well
for his private parts were mangled to hell.
They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
but when they arrived, there's nought they could do.
What a bad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
to live with no sex and a high squeaking voice.
But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
some bright spark suggested a "Bionic Tool".
A smart new electric one, made out of brass,
though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass.
Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put the tool to the test.
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
supplied her with drink and made her feel randy.
She, without waiting, put her hand in Fred's flies,
as she felt what was there, gave a cry of surprise.
"That's my Bionic Chopper. Now lets have some fun".
"Wow" she said, "It felt like a gun."
They both stripped quick and Fred entered her fast,
he turned up the control knob and gave her full blast.
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
then they bounced off the bed and onto the floor.
Now the pace heated up and they started to choke,
as the room became filled with blue dirty smoke.
With a bang Fred's left nut shot up in the air,
and his other one went bonkety-bonk down the stair.
So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go ?
To return to his doctor at the end of each shag
with his tool in his pocket and his balls in a bag ?
But they fixed up young Fred, made him manly again,
for they boosted his batteries with a flex from the main.
So if he cant get a girl, now poor Fred doesn't cry,
he just flicks on the switch and jerks himself dry.
Nancy
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judi was walking past a shop in the mall. In the window of
the shop is a sign that says, "Good Home Wanted For
Clit Licking Frog."
*Immediately* intrigued, she walks into the store. She goes
right up to the guy behind the counter. "I've come about the
clit licking frog."
"Oui, Madame?"
80 year old Bessie Reingold bursts into the rec room
of the men's retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can
have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out,
"An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was in the Navy, women were assigned to the WAVES. When we
finally got our first leave after three months, our Captain told the
WAVE Captain that she'd better keep her girls under lock and key.
The WAVE Captain, tapping her temple, replie, "Don't worry, Sir. My
girls have it up here!"
Our Captain said, "I don't give a shit WHERE they keep it. Once
those throttle jocks start looking, they'll find it."
Two rather drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing time.
"I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go
and find us some girls." "No," replied the other one, "I've got more
than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more drink and
go up to your place."
Jerry is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling.
"I'm ok but I didn't like the four-letter-
surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
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LynnLynn's Links
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/I Hear Thy Voice
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John w/ From The Manger To The Cross
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Troubleshooting Drivers
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Graphics Garden
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Jane Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary Jane's mother screamed, "Your father will kill you when he
finds
out that you set the garage on fire!" Mary Jane just laughed and
laughed, because she knew her father was trapped in the garage.
Mary Jane was scooting up the flagpole at school. The teacher cried
out, "Mary Jane get down! The boys can see your panties!" Mary
Jane
just laughed and laughed. She knew she wasn't wearing any.
While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped
his
hand down her bra. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed. She knew
she
kept her money hidden in her shoe.
Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming
around a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!" And Mary
Jane laughed and laughed, because she knew the shark was never going
to help that man!
Mary Jane was crossing the street with her mother. As her mother
stooped to pick up a quarter, she was hit by a bus. And Mary Jane
laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.
Mary Jane was walking through a cow pasture when she came upon a
big,
fresh pile of cow manure. On top of this steaming pile of manure was
a tiny fly. And Mary Jane laughed and laughed, because she knew a
fly couldn't have made all of that.
Mary Jane was about to have sex when the boy stopped to put on a
condom. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed because she knew the
condom wouldn't protect against crabs or chlamydia.
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike Phelps joined a cult and he might
Start worshiping with them tonight
They smoke while they pray
He heard their priest say
Their mantra, "Two bongs make a rite"
(Gary Hallock)
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
My darling, please let me unveilia.
And then, of, my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone;
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.
A lubricious young woman named Gwen
Had never learned how to say "when!"
So she did it again
And again and again
And again and again and again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with
murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in the
audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
the Judge shouted back to the man, all the while banging his gavel.
He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with
killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You damned tightwad!" blurted
the spectator again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge after a few more
bangs of his gavel and then continues, "You are also charged with
killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a..."
the man starts to shout when the Judge thunders back, "If you don't
tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in
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when I needed to borrow one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He
asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like
you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling
yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and
bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try
this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked
and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments
later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired
the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off
my 'unit' and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1546
St Paddy's Day
I usually let the dogs out about 30 minutes before I go to bed so
they
can do their business and then we can all go to bed and get our
sleep.
Well last night,,St. Patrick's Day..off they went. Time to go to
bed...
Nobody in sight...I go to bed.
1 am nothing
2 am nothing
3 am nothing
3:30 The doorbell rings, there is hooting and shouting outside.
I stumble to the door and open it...
In dashes Katie with green beads around her neck, walking none to
steady.
Behind her is Rudy with clovers painted on his white body and a
Leprechaun hat on and his breath is like that of a dragon.
Behind him is Sandi...she is trying to do the Irish Jig and is
carrying a glass
of green beer.
BJ: Where have you been?
Giggles....
Rudy: We have been partying with Horace and Gus celebrating Saint
Patrick's Day.
Katie: Do be sure we have.
Sandi: Giggle...
BJ: I think it is time you went to bed.
The three dogs get in a small circle and start to sing 'Sweet
Kathleen'
Diana: What is going on downstairs?
BJ: The dogs are a bit tipsy.
Rudy runs upstairs and hugs Diana and belchs in her face causing her
hair almost to melt.
Diana: Good grief Rudy! What have you been drinking?
Rudy: Coffee...Irish coffee.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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