Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Eva was sitting in her room yesterday watching the Disney
Channel when I heard all the TV's go silent and Eva started
screaming, "Scary, Scary,Scary.
they were doing a weekly test of the Emergency Alert
System and when they do that they switch to CSPAN first
and then the splash screen for the EAS followed by an alarm.
When they went to CSPAN it was a picture of House Speaker
Nancy Pelosi and Eva thought it was a horror flick. Now I
grew up during the Cold War and can realize the importance
of the warning of a potential disaster like Nuclear attack,
tornadoes,
or even tsunamis but do they have to scare the children by
showing them pictures of Congress? When a four year old laughs
at zombies eating brains but is terrified by Congress, perhaps
she sees something that a lot of Americans don't.
I really was hoping to see a Tigers pre season game today but
they have been blacked out for some reason. I realize that they
expect you to run out and by the baseball channel to watch the
pre-season games but like a lot of Detroit fans I am unemployed
and can't afford to pay to watch pre-season. I hope they don't do
this
to the regular season or I will have to go back to listening to the
games
on the radio like I did 40 years ago. I may even get more
accomplished that way.
Have a great Monday..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Heaven Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
blood-curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone
having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head
drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."
''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and
sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes
for that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After being sworn in as President, George W. and his extended
family head into the White House and seize the opportunity to have a
family photo taken by their new White House photographer.
The photographer waits for George W. and family, as well as George
R.
and Barbara, and Jeb and his family to take their places for the
picture.
Once everyone is organized, the photographer turns to his lighting
man and says, "This picture has more Bush than a Penthouse
magazine!"
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister.
You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front
door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my
other Daddy does?"
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by
honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained
sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it
no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's
other people trying to get some sleep!"
From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said,
"Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finger Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few years ago, Lazy Ted got lucky in this little bar in Mayfield.
She was a good-looking girl, too. He drove her around to this park,
the local lovers' lane, for a little privacy and they were getting
along just fine, when some local louts happened by.
Luckily, all the doors of the car were locked and the larrikins had
to content themselves with rocking it backwards and forwards. Lazy
Ted wasn't going to hang around for any nonsense. He stuck the car
into reverse and revved out of the car park. Bodies scattered in
his wake.
He ended up taking the girl to the safety of a nearby hotel.
Lazy Ted might have forgotten all about the incident but, the very
next day, as he was watching his wife, Betty, washing the car,
you'll never guess what he saw - a finger, just sitting there in the
grille in front of the motor.
Well, he shook his head and was about to tell Betty to put it in,
the rubbish, when she stopped him short. 'That finger must belong
to someone.
We'd better take it down the road to the Lost and Found. You'd be
surprised what they can do with microsurgery these days.' Lazy Ted
followed his missus down to the local cop shop where they were extra
helpful. While Betty was out of ear shot, he told them the full
story - exactly what happened, how, when, where and why.
Afterwards, Lazy Ted went home and forgot all about the whole
business until one day, this cop came to the door and presented him
with this little frozen container ... and in it -the finger.
'According to Section 4 of Article 8 of the Mislaid Articles Act of
1893,' the cop spouted off 'found goods, if unclaimed by the owner
and the loser of the aforementioned lost goods, after a period of
three months, should be returned to the finder, who will be
thereafter considered the owner and therefore the loser, in the
event of the goods ever being re-lost.' Lazy Ted didn't really know
what to do, but he took the finger and thanked the cop for his
trouble. He told Betty to put it in the freezer.
Soon afterwards, the phone calls started. A man, his voice deep,
husky and mean, would ring and say, 'You got my finger. You better
give it back ... or you'll get rubbed.' Night after night, the same
man rang with the same message. Then, during the day, the Health
Department started ringing and a man with a high, piping voice,
would tell Ted, 'Keeping a finger in your freezer contravenes
Section 1, Article 12, of the Body Parts in the Kitchen Act of
1923, and if you persist in infringing this regulation, we will be
forced to carry out immediate legal action.' The final straw was
when the surgeon started calling up daily, too.
'Listen, we get kids in here every day, with their fingers missing -
car accidents, gun accidents ... you name it. Some will never be
able to use their hands again. With that finger, you could at least
help one ...
just one of them.' Finally, it got too much for Betty. 'Listen Ted,
do something. Give that finger back to the gangster. Give it to
the Health Department.
Even give it to the hospital. Just get rid of it. It's no use to
US.
But it was all to no avail. Lazy Ted wouldn't hear of it. You know
what he's like. He'd never lift a finger to help himself or anyone
else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Candle Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin,
and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't
I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "Aye, that you did, Father."
"And be there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a
candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.
Some years later they met again.
"Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "Have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four
singles - ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said. "And how is your lovely
husband?"
"Oh," she said, "e's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin
candle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you think of it, there are only two things people need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need
clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex
and food.
But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a
Republican.
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only
late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week,
that's it." But not only can you eat the charred dead flesh of other
major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your
friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday?
We're
going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the
kids,
we'll have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple
twist
of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would
change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food
you.
Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper."
Punks in passing cars would flip you the fork.
Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests.
"Oh my god. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?"
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry
section.
Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peek-a-boo napkins and
day-of-the-week paper plates.
Foreplay would be listed as a menu selection.
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat.
Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of
them
would move to the Bay Area.
Hookers would become cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo
aprons.
"Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fundamentalist Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious
tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic.
Parents would tell their children not to play with their food or
they'll go
blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them
marinating.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Handkerchief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Captain rounded all his men to check on their intellectual
faculties.
Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says. "Smith, when I
wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??" "Oh!! Sir
it makes me think of the train station. Well Smith ... why does it
make you think of the train station.
Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down
to the train station, and when the train left the station people
would wave their handkerchiefs like you do Sir.
Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief
what does it make you think about??
Oh well Sir... It makes me think about the port. Why does it make
you think about the port??.
Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing
ships wave at their relatives and friends that way.
That's very good Thomas, let's see you Gibson, when I wave my
handkerchief what does it make you think about??.
Sir. It makes me think about fucking! Oh, I see, well why does it
make you think about fucking??
Because Sir, the only thing I think about is fucking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Movie Links
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Ice fishing
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buga Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
This joke was handed down through 37 generations of buffalos
Three guys go the Amazon on a vacation. While there they fool
around,
get lost, and are captured by a tribe of bad ass natives. They are
taken into the deepest, darkest part of the jungle and tied onto
poles
in an opening.
After night had fallen and a huge bonfire was blazing, all the tribe
members assembled and began chanting and making merry in
anticipation of
a great evenings fun at the expense of our three vacationers.
Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd - the Chief had arrived! He
goesover to the first guy tied to a pole and asks, "DEATH, or Uga
Buga?"
The guy, not knowing what it is, answers that he'll take the Uga
Buga.
the crowd breaks into an uproar! Eight of the biggest, strongest and
most virulent savages step out of the crowd, take the guy loose from
his
pole, bend him over a log and sodomize him for 30 minutes. The crowd
is
elated!
The Chief walks over to the second guy, and asks "DEATH or Uga
Buga?"
The second guy looks at the first guy, still gasping for breath and
writhing on the ground, and swallows hard. He thinks to himself, "I
don't know if I can take that or not, but I'm too young to die." He
also chooses Uga Buga!
Again, the crowd erupts in glee. Eight more savages emerge from the
crowd, take the second gut off his pole, and sodomize him for 45
minutes!
The third guy is in a real sweat! The king approaches him and asks
"DEATH or Uga Buga?"
The third guy looks over at the first two guys. It is not a pretty
sight. He swallows hard and answers "DEATH!"
The Chief is astounded! With a very puzzled look he replies, "OK,
DEATH! DEATH BY UGA BUGA!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old maid from Camelot,
Who survived on frog shit and snot,
When she grew tired of these,
She'd eat the green cheese,
That she scraped from the sides of her twat.
-----
There once was a lady named Dot
Who lived off of pig shit and snot.
When she ran out of these
She ate the green cheese
That she grew on the sides of her twat.
-----
There once was a woman named Jess--
Bisexual, she'd readily confess.
She loved a good dick,
but pussy she'd lick,
and leave both a wet gooey mess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She
thinks to herself, "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice
anything, anyway."
She goes to the bar, finds Big Dixie really drunk and takes him to
the nearest hotel where they spend the night together. Big Dixie
wakes up the next morning, and she is already gone. As he starts to
get out of bed, Big Dixie sees that his hands are covered in blood.
He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, "Oh,
my God! I killed her! I killed her!"
As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops,looks at
himself for a second, then screams, "FUCK! And then, I ate her,
too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young O'Donnell rushed into a church, placed his rifle under a
pew and entered the confessional.
"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two
British lieutenants!
Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British
captain!"
When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell
said, "Father, have ye fainted?"
"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. "I'm
waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and commence
confessin' your sins!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1544
Bowling...
Sandi: You don't talk much when you come home from bowling daddy.
BJ: Not much to talk about. We have lost 11 of 12 games Sandi. We
have fallen from first place to second.
Rudy: Ah, Pops it's just one of those things.
Katie: You can save the day father.
BJ: No, I have been bowling about 30 pins under my average for 6
weeks.
Rudy: That's awful.
Sandi: What is happening?
BJ: Some of it is my knee, some of it is my back, some of it is a
slump, but
all put together...it is a mess.
Katie: What is your plan?
BJ: Practice, practice, practice. I have to figure it out. My
ball is breaking
way too much and I cannot hardly control it.
Sandi: Throw it straight.
BJ: I can't, the ball is drilled to break, and it is complicated,
it is finger-
tipped and the texture of the ball.
Rudy: Looks round to me.
BJ: That's it Rudy! I just need to use an old fashion bowling
ball, one that
is not so complicated.
Rudy: Gee...thanks, or you're welcome.
Sandi: So go practice and see what happens daddy.
The herd in Guthrie (frustration is being good then being not so
good)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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