[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For 3-23

 



Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

A couple of weeks ago a woman driving her employer's Prius
claimed that it had accelerated all the way down the driveway
with her foot on the brake and was going 35 mph when it hit the
garage. Police investigators were able to pull up information
from the event recorder in the vehicles computer and found out
that the brake was not depressed and the gas pedal was at
100% which made it more a case of hitting the wrong pedal and
with all the recent stories and the short distance it was impossible
to discover and correct the mistake. The police are not accusing
the woman of lying just confusion. They have been putting the little

black boxes in quite a few vehicles since the late 80's so they can
help diagnose problems not to help solve crimes but if you are going
to pull anything stupid you should be aware that there is a good
chance that there will be a record of it.

Eva's 4th birthday is tomorrow if she lives that long. Buffy found
her
hiding in the dryer today after a search of the house. Thanks for
all the suggestions on removing crayon. I am going to give the WD-40
a try
first. I wonder if it works for gout too?

Enjoy the chips. buffalo

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Name Chips
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What's in a name ? A lot more than you think. Here's your chance
to learn what his pet name for you really means. Don't say we
didn't warn you !!

Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses
the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants
money.

Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect
him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of
ovaltine to lager.

Sweetheart -- If it's said patronisingly, it's not so sweet. But
when uttered in ernest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.

Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for
flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a
medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky
ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.

Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you
to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of
winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal
with real women.

Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess.
You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of
Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your overthrow.

Memsahib -- At least you're in no doubt as to who wears the trousers
in this relationship. Who said that colonisation was dead ?

Luv -- Expect him to be a builder, plumber, chippie, sparkie
or just an all round general geezer. Probably calls everyone else
this too, including his dear mum, the vicar and the pet dog.

Fatty -- No problem if you're thin. If you're not - kick him out -
unless he exceeds 40 stone himself.

Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably
thinks you are anyway !!

Dog breath -- Charming !! He should be in the doghouse
if this is his pet name for you. Return the compliment -
serve him a dog food curry.

Farty pants -- He could be trying to tell you something about your
digestive system - otherwise he's just a big kid who prefers his
mates' humour to you.

Slapper -- Great as a jokey term of affection. But if he
means it perhaps you should be more careful who you bring home at
night
- es pecially if you live together !!

Stupid cow -- The only farmyard animal you should accept the
likeness to are duckie, lambikins and chickie. And you're not
stupid, so put him out to graze. ...And behind your back.

My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you
around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!!

The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you.
If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which
case, he thinks he owns you.

My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without
you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity
somewhere.

The missus -- See The Wife.

My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging
trees.

My significant other -- He's even more right on.
Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own
space.

'er indoors -- He probably thinks all you're good at is housework.
You should get out a bit more - with your real friends !!

She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably
doesn't lift a finger around the house.

Her nibs -- Affectionate term for an authoritarian. You insisted
that he called you that. Didn't you ?

If you are a bloke reading this, then think again when
you are just about to call her a pet name. If you are a girl
reading this, then don't take it too seriously, it's only a bit of
fun :o)

Just give him a slap, that normally does the trick, hehehe. Even
better, get that big wooden rolling pin out!!!

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normal
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my secret
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thank you for calling
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Intersection.wmv
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Intervention Test - Triumph Boats
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Invisable Fence
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Short Chips
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A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading
his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside
him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of
the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a
test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he
did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don't try
to read between the lions.

The family all got together recently, and were just hanging around
at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and
laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which
she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase
in size by 25% during sex?" My brother-in-law, a notorious joker,
shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" My father, from behind his
newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping
hard enough."

"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's
rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's
setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his
wife gets home. Do you think women watching the commercial go,
'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do
all of that?'" ---Jay Leno

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Egg Chips
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There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to
each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden
and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an
egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he
saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the
Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he
owned
the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his
property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my
family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in
the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you
kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up,
whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between
his legs.
The Englishman fell to the ground clutching himself and howling in
agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to
kick
you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

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Little Johnny Chips
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Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before
they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if
he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or
even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when
they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

" Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he
will have
20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be shit outta luck if
he needed glasses."

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Trivia Chips
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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your
stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing
still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

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Breakfast Chips
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A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?"
says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval. The 6 year-old
continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.' The 4
year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the
kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he
replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts,"You can stay in there until I
let you out." She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4
year-old and asks with a stern voice, "An what do YOU want for
breakfast, young man?" "I don't know,"
he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

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Movie Links

2 Roosters
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36 Hour Cialis
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3 Condoms Please
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5
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Pigeon
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Ping
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Rabbit VS Snake
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Rally Flip
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Random Chips
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What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
"Fuck you and your law of gravity, I'm goin UP."

Man was sobbing in a bar. His friend asked 'why?' He said: "my wife
makes me pay $ 100/- for every Fuck!" Friend said:
"you're lucky, she charges others $ 250/-"

Lady scolds her maid for inefficiency. Angry maid says, " at least
am better than you in bed." Lady (amazed): " Did boss tell you
this?"
Maid: "No, the driver did."

What is common between a passionate kiss and a spider?
" Both lead to the undoing of the fly".

What is the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
" After a year, the dog is still excited to see you."

A wife complains to the doctor that her hubby is 300% impotent. The
doc asks "how 300%?" She says: "you know about the 100%, and now he
has broken his finger and burnt his tongue."

25 useless things in a man:
20 nails
2 nipples that don't milk
2 balls that you cannot play with. &
1 cock that does not lay egg.

Teacher: "why buffaloes get depressed after milking?
Student: "Ma'am, if your boobs are rubbed for 2 hours & then you are
left unfucked how would feel?

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Toon Chips
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ceremony
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champagne
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charmin
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cheap
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Poetry Chips
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COWBOY POETRY - BUYING A BRA

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

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Parting Chips
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The travelin' Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after
several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they
retired
to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel. As they undressed,
he
said, "I'm from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of
everything." The girl only nodded and smiled. As they began to make
love, he exclaimed, "Golleeeee, lil' Lady! What part of Texas y'all
from?"

~~~~~~

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered
he
was The Xerox Flasher. Every morning, he xeroxed his privates, made
copies & left them in the secretaries desks. The boss said "Hell,
he's
the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false
advertising!"
His secretary said "Well, not exactly." He said "Oh God! Don't tell
me!"
She said "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

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Bonus Chip
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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for
swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you
leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

Bob

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1551

The Game Revisited

The next day Katie asks: So can we go to another game?

Diana just glares at Katie.

BJ starts to get small and wants to hide.

Rudy wants to hide.

Sandi starts to thump her feet.

Katie: Gulp! So I guess not.... Maybe something less violent,
maybe
hockey?

Rudy: Yeah, hockey is legal, not so violent.

Diana: Hockey is okay.

BJ: Yeah it is fine.

Sandi: No problem with hockey.

BJ: So we need to stay away from things that have scantily clad
cheerleaders?

Diana: Right.

Rudy: Does that mean that Pops and I can't go to anymore strip
bars?

Diana: What? Where did BJ go?

Sandi: He zoomed out the front door.

Katie: Yep, never seen him move so fast.

The herd in Guthrie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Remember 9/11/01

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