Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
ARE YOU NORMAL? -by B. Kanner
Facts about us Americans. Did you know that........
-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils
-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust
their
husbands to do it correctly.
-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man
-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear
-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)
-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it
was a 34B
-85% of women wear the wrong bra size
-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations
-13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's
homework
-91% of us lie regularly
-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz
-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store
-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid
the high prices of snack foods
-90% believe in divine retribution
-10% believe in the 10 Commandments
-82% believe in an afterlife
-45% believe in ghosts
-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail
-29% of us are virgins when we marry
-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't
-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item
-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old
-35% give to charity at least once a month
-How far would you go for $10 million?
-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church
-7% would murder
-69% eat the cake before the frosting
-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the
carton
-85% of us will eat Spam this year
-70% of us drink orange juice daily
-Snickers is the most popular candy
-22% of us skip lunch daily
-9% of us skip breakfast daily
-66% of us eat cereal regularly
-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries
-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds
-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side
-45% use mouthwash every day
-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink
-the typical shower is 101 degrees F
-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair
-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery
-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on
-58% of women paint their nails regularly
-62% of us pop our zits
-33% of women lie about their weight
-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost
-57% have had deja vu
-49% believe in ESP
-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids
-the average girl starts her period at age 12
-44% have broken a bone
-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level
-14% have attended a self-help meeting
-15% regularly go to a shrink
-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home
-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find
it up
-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat
-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet
-23.5% admit they don't always flush
-45.2% pee in the shower
-44.9% pee in the ocean
-28.1% pee in the pool
-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while
they're
using the toilet.
-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.
-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants
-29% of us ignore RSVP
-71.6% of us eavesdrop
-22% are functionally illiterate
-less than 10% are trilingual
-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR
-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers
-56% of women do the bills in a marriage
-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks
-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life
-40% of us have had music lessons
-44% reuse tinfoil
-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse
-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch
-53% read their horoscopes regularly
-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)
-59% of us say we're average-looking
-blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves
beautiful
-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us
-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers
-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity
-on average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year
-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends
-2 out of 5 have married their first love
-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money
-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand
-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees
-6% propose over the phone
-71% can drive a stick-shift car
-45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit
-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light
-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts
-12% of men never use their car blinkers
-44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them
-25% of us drive after we've been drinking
-4 out of 5 sing in the car
buffalo says Are you more normal or less normal than you thought you
were?
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man named Fritz
Who planted an acre of tits
They came in the fall
Rosy nipples and all
And he leisurely nibbled them to bits
There was a young man named Perkin
Who was furtively jerkin his gerkin
His wife turned to say
In utter dismay
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There was a young man from Baroda
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
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She pulled down her drawers
And pissed in his whisky and soda
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Job Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Job Applicant
"I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer
"I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants.
Applicant
"That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."
Employer
"More than we can use already."
Applicant (as he is getting desperate),
"I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too
many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer
"It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with
your qualifications.
Applicant (as he stands up and angrily yells),
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dealing jerk!"
Employer
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Pun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the doctor say to the witch in the hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a
spell!
Dracula got into his casket one July. As he reclined he
remarked, "There is nothing like a cool bier on a hot day."
A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way
to get a stakeout.
What did the vampire say to the English teacher
See you next period.
Why did the impotent guy date the witch?
Because she always scared him stiff!
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a
goblin'.
Why don't witches wear panties?
To get a better grip on the broom.
What do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump Kin
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard
sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down,
he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah," the man answered, "I'm
supposed
to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln."
protested the barkeeper. "That's right. My last four scores were
seven years ago."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the
road, doing it, well, doggy style. "What are they doing, Johnny?"
Mary asked. Well, Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all
his
12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it,
so
he said, "Well, he's scaring her." Little Mary said, "Oh." They
walked a little farther, and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little
Johnny." Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell." So he took
her
into the bushes and "scared" her. After they were finished, they
started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion
mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny
?",
she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So Little Mary said, "Scare me
again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took her into the bushes
and "scared" her again. After they were finished, they started
walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and
a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little
Johnny?" she innocently (?) asked again. "Well, he's scaring her"
Little Johnny said once again. After a few more minutes of walking,
Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny." Now Little
Johnny,
being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled
out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Halloween Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN BUT ARENT
10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!
And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...
1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nature has many laws that hold fast and true.
For example, a baby ape will always grow-up to be an ape; likewise,
a
baby baboon will become an adult baboon.
A baby pig will mature into a full-grown pig.
A baby jackass will always become a jackass.
Yet oddly enough, women say a young man may grow-up to be any one of
these
The nurse at the Pathology Clinic was getting a bit beyond it. She
was approaching retirement and was continually getting things mixed
up.
One day, a young man came to the laboratory for a blood test. After
a
few minutes, the pathologist looked in on the nurse and his patient.
There she was, rapidly stroking the very happy young man's firm
erection.
"Good God, NO!" shouted the pathologist. "Stop it at once! I said,
'prick his finger'."
Did you hear about the woman that filed for divorce after she had
twelve kids? The reason she put in the divorce papers was for
extreme
compatibility!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Homemade Water Slide
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Homer Koehn
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Honey I'm Home
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Good Job
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My ex thought he was so good he called himself 'Hammer.'" "Why? I
don't understand." "He liked to talk about how often he nailed me."
An old couple were sitting in their rocking chairs on the verandah
and
the old guy leaned over and said to the woman "Fuck you". She rocked
back and forth for a bit then leaned to him and said "Fuck you too".
They rocked on in silence and some 10 minutes later she leaned over
and said "I don't think much of this oral sex, do you?"
The typical male's idea of foreplay is a half hour of begging.
The difference between a counterfeit dollar and an anorexic
prostitute
is that a fake dollar is a phony buck.
A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store/general-
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her
dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your
cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do
you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"
You know you spent the evening in a gay bar when you wake up with a
queer taste in your mouth.
Stan Kegel
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aliens Come In Piece
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A Little Bush
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All Juice
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All Yours
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Allowance
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Alls Well
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toad Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda
pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be
easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less
visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.. He begs
her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I
am tired of being so visible to predators and such." The fairy
godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're
brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his
package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:
"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"
To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will
have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple
bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he
encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy
godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the
lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can
spot me from a mile off."
She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and
says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the
exception of the ole twig and berries,they remain purple. He says:
"My wang is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of
Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell
do I find The Wizard of Oz?"
The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy... just follow the yellow
dick Toad!"
Juanita
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and
the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be
perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a
new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an
outpatient basis in about thirty minutes.
They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
Harveythefroprince
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sweet young thing was telling the Baptist Preacher that she had
been sleeping in another bedroom since she had caught her
husband sleeping with the neighbor.
"It's your duty to forgive him, my child," intoned the preacher,
as he patted her hand. She fell into his arms gently sobbing.
"But," he added, as his grip tightened,
"How'd ya like to get even with the S.O.B. first?"
Jill: The guy I have been dating is talking about getting
married.
Mary: Wow! Well, if he does ask you, do not delay!
Say, "Yes!" right away!
Jill: What is the hurry?
Mary: Men have very short memories when it comes to
that subject. Sometimes they forget before you can
even get your clothes back on.
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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