Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From The Archives
A Navy event that has always brought sadness to my heart is
the term Sinkex. It means that a decommissioned vessel is
going to be sunk as a part of a live fire exercise to test cruise
missiles, torpedoes, or whatever the Navy's latest killing device
happens to be. On the good side it does give us a chance to
test our weapons before it becomes necessary to use them
and the ships lying on the bottom soon become a home to
marine life ( the type with fins not two-legged ) and we don't
have to worry about how to dispose all of the hazardous wastes
from thirty coats of paint and things like asbestos. On the bad
side we are sinking vehicles not because they have outlived their
useful lives but because they get bad gas mileage. Would you
take your 1999 Chevy Suburban out and use it to sight in your
deer rifle just because it doesn't get as good gas mileage as
your Tahoe Hybrid? Well maybe you would but I sure wouldn't.
I know you think I am talking about the Forrestal and Kitty Hawk
class carriers but it is happening to ships a lot newer than they
are. When I was in school in Philadelphia they were just starting
to do tests with gas turbine ships which later became the
Spruance Class and their bigger brothers the Perry Class. I
remember when I came home in 1987 seeing one of them making
a goodwill stop on the Great Lakes and now ships from both of
those classes have been decomissioned and sunk rather than go
through upgrades.
The last ship that was cut up for scrap was the Coral Sea because
of ecological concerns and now we just sink them because the sea
hides all. I wonder if when the Enterprise is retired in a few years
if her hull and reactors will be sunk in some deep trench in the
ocean.
Isn't that a lovely thought.
On the good side there are ships like the Intrepid, Midway, and
Missouri
that have become museum ships so that people can remember the
days when Thirty Knots and No Smoke meant that you had a good ship
and a good crew, not that you were running a reactor.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Goldilocks Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through
this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was
Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who
made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the
floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was
Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
"It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's
litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
"And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen
carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Heather
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Dick Bib
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can encapsulate a marriage in four words. If a fellow gets
married, but finds a temptation elsewhere, hears about it from his
wife when she finds out, and finds himself served with papers, you
can
sum up the experience as: HITCHED, ITCHED, BITCHED, DITCHED.
(Cynthia
MacGregor)
My wife put a picture of Harrison Ford inside her locket to
celebrate
Indy-pendants Day.
When my husband finally gave in and began to clean out his bureau,
he
discovered a bunch of socks that didn't match. As I looked at them,
I
noted that most of them had holes in them. "Land's sakes, man !" 1
exclaimed. "How long have you had these things?" "Since before we
were
married," he admitted. "I guess you could say that I had a lot of
premarital socks !"
Outdoor lights were put up at the golf course for people who liked
swinging nightclubs.
Last night I was in a rare tender mood. I made love to my wife and
afterward held her close. "I love you terribly," I whispered. "You
certainly do," was her reply.
A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was
sporting
a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied,
the beauty of the place had struck him.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the redneck do with his his first 50 cent piece? He
married
her!
The police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him
down
to the station. While the officers were distracted, the crook
grabbed
the check off the desk and swallowed it. No problem: the police
waited
five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check
twice.
"Mommy, I just found out that our neighbor's son has a penis like a
peanut!" "You mean it's small?" "No it's salty!"
The weeping bride poured out her heart to the eminent marriage
counselor. "Isn't there some way -without turning into a nag-that I
can keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled. "Young lady,"
he
said, "your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
A federal court has upheld Alabama's ban on sex toys. Opponents in
the
state argued privacy rights. What happens in a bedroom should be
between two consenting cousins. (Alan Ray)
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra? So sex
wouldn't
be such a pain in the ass.
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Zip Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus.
Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the
bus
rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware
that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of
the
bus' first step.
So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover
she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached
behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to
her
disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.
So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to
make
the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked
her
up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the
bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching
at
him ''How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!
''
At this the Texan drawled, ''Well ma'am, normally I would agree with
you
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends.''
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Diet Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the
world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the
Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a
small ad that read:
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Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on
the
other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and
we"ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door.
There
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her
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wheezing
like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself,
she
said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just
that
and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the
ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end
asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the
somewhat-less-
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit
card
number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the
morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in
track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can
have
me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly
passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she
told
him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to
the
bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he
called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much
weight
do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty
pounds?"
the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time."
The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you
just
have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up
the
phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on
some
cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the
door, he
sees this large naked gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
"IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Thief Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge: "Looking over your file, I see there was an earlier complaint
against you back in October, 1995. Seems your
ex-wife claimed you stole her heart, her money and the best years of
her life."
Accused: "I never stole nothing, Your Honor. She never had a heart
to
begin with; if I had stolen her money, why am I
so poor now? And when I met her, she was already 73, so
the best years of her life had already past."
Judge: "Very well. Let's deal with today's complaint. You've been
accused of stealing an 18-year-old'
back of your pickup truck."
Accused: "Ain't true, Your Honor. The police arrived 5 minutes after
her and I were in the back of my pickup. I didn't have time to hide
anything even if I had stolen it. Furthermore, they checked my truck
inside and out and never found a thing."
Judge: "Let me get this straight. You admit you were with the girl
at
around 8 PM Saturday, February 30th?"
Accused: "Gosh no, Your Honor. There is no February 30th."
Judge: "What'd ya do, steal that too?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Get Where I'm Going
http://silverandgol
A Healing Prayer
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GOD MUST HAVE KNOWN
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Story Of LuLu
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it's on Halloween at 8 pm.INFO BELOW
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No Trash In My Trailer
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Graffiti Styles
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H J's Halloween Gallery
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Power Shell Usage: Bash Tips & Tricks
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Movies
Tricky Chick
http://www.buffalos
Vizella
http://www.buffalos
Water park
http://www.buffalos
Well Trained Dog
http://www.buffalos
We've Been Had
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Hand Boeienin Bed
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Hill Climb
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Honey
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How The Brits Taxi Jets
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Idiots
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why doesn't a blonde talk during sex?
A. Because her mother told her never to talk to strangers.
Jill: Are you concerned about not having a man in your life right
now?
Mary: Why should I be concerned? I have a mechanic, a handy-man, and
a yard-boy. I have plenty of batteries, and my shower massage works.
Linda, whose daughter had just given birth to a beautiful, healthy
baby, showed up for a lunch date looking less cheerful than Jill
expected.
"What's wrong," Jill asked. "Are you depressed by the fact that
you're a grandmother?
Linda responded with a barely perceptible smile. "No," she said.
"It's just that I'm not crazy about having to sleep with a
grandfather.
A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who
are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead
over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've
been doing it with that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
batgirl
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Breathed a tender young man from Australia,
My darling, please let me unveilia.
And then, on my own,
If you'll kindly lie prone;
I'll endeavor, my sweet, to impalia.
There was a young lady of Gloucester,
Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
She wasn't much hurt,
But he dirtied her skirt,
So think of the anguish it cost her.
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to
explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For
example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft.,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32.
How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The
class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very
well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the
student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1695
Down at the Bluegrass Festival...
The music is sweet and the pickings are good.
BJ and Diana are listening to Katie warm up with her song, 'It's All
About Me." The crowd seems to love it. Afterwards Katie mentions
her CD's are on sale for 9.99. Rudy does his beer song and does
okay.
After each verse he chugs from a beer and by the fourth verse he
rolling much better and the crowd is clapping their hands in time.
Sandi song, the "Pizza Roll" is met with an unusual surprise. Sandi
has
a machine blowing the aroma of hot pizza towards the crowd and
soon the crowd is very hungry. After her song, she steps up and
starts
taking orders for pizza, she sells 124 pizzas.
The cats do their thing and have a surprising sound.
Back at the house the gang are reviewing their show.
Katie: I made about two thousand dollars today, how about you Rudy?
Rudy: I did okay, I made about eight hundred dollars. Sandi?
Sandi: I sold about One Thousand four hundred dollars worth of
pizza
then another three hundred dollars worth of drinks and then toss in
the
cd's another five hundred dollars for about two thousand two hundred
dollars.
Katie: Ack! You made more than me.
BJ: Well she just listened to you song, It's all about me.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blond drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out the door,
the lady at the counter says sweetly, "Come again."
The blond says, "No its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!"
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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