THE POSTMAN'S CORNER
GOOD AFTERNOON POSTMAN FANS!
Well, it was bound to happen, sooner or later.
Yesterday, I gave Leo, my 9 year old computer,
a funeral. He served faithfully over the years,
without a upgrade. Finally, however, his windows
98 system files were no longer capable of keeping
up with upgrades, and hardware costs made it
senseless to keep him. So, I came home from the
store early evening last night, after an all day shopping
expedition, with Barny, Leo's replacement.
I'm convinced that Barny will be just the ticket that I want.
And after a few "colorful moments" this morning, I decided
that we would get along quite well together.
Unlike Leo, Barny runs this thing called
Vista. Altho I've heard "horror stories"
about it, we seem to be getting along just
fine. I do admit, there were a couple times I found
myself muttering about Bill Gates and the
microsoft team, asking, "where did they hide
that now?" we muddled through it and managed
to get an issue put together.
Admittedly it is a little brief,
but I will be back in full swing within a
day or so.
We do hope you enjoy today's issue!
Cordially
Martin aka the postman
how come
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its broken
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f4
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not what I meant
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they were out
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more obvious
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divorce court
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when your skirt is too short
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pick up lines
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FUCK YOU AND YOUR SIGN!
Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You*
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
__________________
When I called my friend Sandy the other day, I could hear her three kids
(all under the age of six) wreaking havoc in the background.
She excused herself, covered the phone with her hand for a couple of
minutes, and then came back on the line. It was absolutely silent.
I told her I was impressed! "How did you get them to be quiet?" I asked.
"I didn't," she said in a hushed tone. "I'm hiding in the attic."
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Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd lost touch
with when they moved to another city many years ago.
Over the meal, the couples took turns catching up.
"And soon after we were married," Sarah began,
"we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute
bow legs and no teeth."
"Oh, you had a baby!" said the other husband.
"Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."
_________________
My wife told me it was about time that I learned to play golf. You
know,golf...that' s the game where you chase a little ball all over the
country when you are too old to chase women. So, I went to see Mr.
Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.
He said, "Sure, you've got balls don't you?"
"Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they are hard to find."
"Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow morning and we will tee off."
"What's tee off?"
"It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse."
"Not for me" I said, "you can tee off in front of the clubhouse if
you want, but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere."
"No, no, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger."
"Yeah, I've got one of those."
"Well, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it."
"You play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and
walked around."
"You do, you're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."
Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a bit too far and I
said so. He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
"Sure"
"Your balls are in it, aren't they?"
"Of course," I told him.
"Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?"
"I suppose I could, but I'll be damned if I am going to."
"Don't you have a zipper on your bag?"
"No, I am the old fashioned type."
"Do you know how to hold your club?"
Well, after 65 years, I should have some sort of an idea and I told
him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands..."
Well folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was
talking about.
Then he said, "Swing it over your shoulder..."
No, no, that's not me at all. That's my brother he's talking about.
He asked, "How do your hold your club?"
And before I thought about it, I said "With two fingers".
He said that wasn't right, got behind me, put two arms around me,
and said for me to bend over and he would show me.
Well, he couldn't catch me there for nothing. I didn't spend four
years in the Navy for nothing. He said, "You hit the ball with your club
and it soars and soars..."
I could well imagine that.
"... and when you're on the green..."
"What's the green?"
"That's where the hole is."
"Sure you're not color blind?"
"Then you take your putter in your hands"
"What's a putter?"
"That's the smallest club made."
"That's what I got, a putter."
"And with it, you put your ball into the hole."
I corrected him, "You mean the putter."
"No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and putter
too."
Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.
"Then," he said," after you finish with the first hole, you go on to
the next 17."
Well, he certainly wasn't talking about me. After two holes I'm shot
to hell.
"You mean you can't make 18 holes in one day?"
"Hell no! It takes me 18 days to make one hole! Besides, how do I
know when I am in the 18th hole?"
"The flag will go up!"
Uh, huh...
______________
I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to
my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled
on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon
topless.
"Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's
eyes. "He shouldn't see this."
"It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's
the Food Network.
_______________
THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
Have a nice day!
FROM:
Martin aka the postman
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