Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Some people can sleep like a rock through an earthquake and
some people are woken up by any little sound. Over the years
my mind has learned to discriminate between what is normal
and what may require immediate attention. If the phone goes off
I am awake and answering it by the second ring, same thing happens
when the garbage truck, street sweeper, or some idiot with
huge speakers drives by the Suburban and sets the motion alarm
off. Even though my sleep has been disturbed, after I deal with the
problem, I go right back to sleep, that is till recently.
The past few days there has been a noise at night around 0200-
0500 that I haven't been able to tune up. It is a turbine noise,
which varies in volume and reminds me of watching a jet take
off from the flight deck when they shut down their afterburners.
I remember hearing that Algoma Steel across the water was
supposed to be using a turbine to burn off gases from their
coke making operation and this could be the source. Is it really
necessary, whatever the reason, to do it in the middle of the night?
There are people living on the lake 20 miles away that can here
the same sound so it must be annoying to the Canadians too.
I am as much for keeping the largest industry in the area running
but can't they confine the noise to a time slot where it is muffled
by
background noise?
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Marketing Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several friends have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps
the
following examples will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of
your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's
fantastic
in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in
bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your
dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?"
and
reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against
his
arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public
Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going
home
with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto
the
roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your
lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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getting old
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Acting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.
"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."
"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for
so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"
"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.
"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?" "Wednesday,"
says
the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He
marches on stage and shouts, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!"
"Brilliant!" says the director, "you've got the job! The first show
is
at 9 o'clock, Saturday night." The actor is so excited that he goes
on a
major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the
theater,
continually repeating his line, "Hark, I hear the cannons roar!
Hark, I
hear the cannons roar!" He arrives and is stopped by the bouncer.
"Who
the heck are you?" "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the
actor.
"You're Hark, I hear the cannons roar?" says the bouncer. "You're
late!
Get up to makeup right now!" So, the actor runs up to makeup. "Who
the
heck are you?" asks the makeup girl. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons
roar!" he says. "You're late! Sit down." So she applies the makeup.
"Now, quick, get down to the stage, it's almost time to say your
line!"
So he dashes down to the stage. "Who the heck are you?" asks the
stage
manager. "I'm Hark, I hear the cannons roar!" he replies. "Oh, thank
God! Just in time! Now get out there, the curtains are about to go
up!"
So, the actor runs onto the stage. The curtains rise and he sees
that
the house is full. Suddenly, there is an almighty bang behind him,
and
the bewildered actor shouts, "What the fuck was THAT?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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============
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The reason I like dating Lori," the office snob remarked primly,
"is
that she's on the up and up."
"And the reason, I like dating Laura" his coworker replied, "is that
she's into the up and down, the in and out, the back and forth ...
you
name it!"
~~~~~~
The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The
Boss
called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had
a
wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct
yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you
could
come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My
lawyer."
~~~~~~
Things weren't going too well for the husband business-wise and he
got
his wife an imitation tennis bracelet, instead of the real one she
wanted for their anniversary. "I hope you understand sweetheart, but
you
can pretend it's real."
"Fine!" she said pouting, "And tonight in bed, you can pretend I'm
there
under you."
~
Bill Clinton
Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black
comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the
closest thing we ever got to having a black man as
President.
"Number 1 - He played the sax."
"Number 2 - He smoked weed."
"Number 3 - He screwed ugly white women."
"Even now - Look at him.. His wife works and he
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Menopause Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Serious Signs Of Menopause
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove,
he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than
simply
saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
Your husband cheerfully chirps, "Hi, honey. I'm home!"
You reply dryly: "Well, if it isn't Ozzie fucking Nelson."
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the entire
Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You have to change your underwear after every sneeze and laugh.
You're on so much estrogen that you take your daughter's Brownie
troop
on a field trip to Chippendales.
You suspect that most of your blouses have missing buttonholes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Quitting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Resignation Letter"
ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:
Dear Sir,
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I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges
that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.
My last day of work will be when you realize I came in
late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies
I
requested and received last week.
Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've
left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects
I never completed.
Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn
thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your
ass as well.
Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you
see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.
My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I
was
only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed
me on
your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every
time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but
not
with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a
poor
fucker. Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you
as a
stepping stone to a better future.
I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,
bitch-ass motherfuckers.
Yours sincerely,
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Horse Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the
other
"how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was
in a
race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured
'screw
it,' I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden this big fucken
tapeworm starts squirming up in my arsehole, so I bolted off and I
won
by a head." The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a
race
and the same thing...I figured 'screw it,' I ain't runnin' and half
way
around the track...WHOOSH! My hemorrhoid burst. Pus and shit
everywhere..
itch
the fucker, and guess what? I won!" This greyhound walks up to the
two
horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you
guys.
Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I
figured
'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden this little
cunt of a wasp stung my balls. I yelped and jumped like a
motherfucker,
and I won by a length!! One horse looked at the other and said,
"WELL
FUCK ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
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Movie Clips
Mouse in Her Bra
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Movie
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Movie 1
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High Fireman
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Milt Show
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Lucky 4
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Magic 1320
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Magic Food
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A virile, young Italian gentleman, very proud of his prowess, was
relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a
spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he
invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they
retired to his bedroom where they had a very vigorous and enjoyable
time. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you
finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her resumed with renewed vigor.
This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of
passion. After an exhausting and satisfying session that surprises
even him, the young man
smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?"
And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles
closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned , but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the
young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his
strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming,
bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man
falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks
into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
archie
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area
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army's slogan
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army
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Arnold
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art
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Courting Disaster
Into court one sad day they do haul
A burlesque queen who's really a doll.
When she asks, "What's the charge?"
She finds out, by and large,
She's arrested for no gauze at all.
The judge in the case is quite kind.
He says, "Just this once, I'm inclined
To decree you go free,
If you'll promise to me,
From now on, you'll have no acts to grind."
The words of the judge do enthrall
The stripper, who then starts to bawl.
She sighs with relief
Amid disbelief.
She's grateful for such a clothes call.
The next case in front of his Honor:
A stripper, appears she's a goner.
"Indecent exposure"
The charge; her composure
Is calm; can't pin anything on her.
(By Kirk Miller)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any children?
A. Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with
a
shovel and throws dirt on her.
Q. Did you hear about the three gay men who attacked a woman? A. Two
held her down while the third did her hair.
Q. What's the difference between a tampon and a cowboy hat?
A. Cowboy hats are for assholes.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A.
He
decided to stick it out for one more year.
Q. Why are beer cans so easy to open?
A. Look who's drinking them.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a
cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch,
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Ray
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've had laryngitis, tonsillitis, hepatitis, meningitis,
appendicitis, tendonitis,
and colitis. I've also suffered from gastritis, bronchitis,
gingivitis, bursitis,
and arthritis.
I've been held up, held down, hung up, strung up, stood-up,
bulldozed,
bloody-nosed, blackjacked, hijacked, squeezed, frisked, and mooched.
Stuck with excess profits tax, personal property tax, utility tax,
inheritance
tax, sales tax, school tax, gasoline tax, income tax, excise tax,
surtax,
liberty bonds, savings bonds, a couple of bail bonds, and the bonds
of
matrimony.
I've helped the Red Cross, the White Cross, and often been
double-crossed.
Helped the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and a few Talent Scouts. Helped
children's hospitals, mental hospitals, VA hospitals, spoke out for
civil
rights, women's rights, animal rights, men's relief, and stomach
relief.
I have worked for a dog, and worked like a dog, and still lost all I
had.
I've been set aside, pushed aside, hit broadside, and had to sit
outside.
Demoted and misquoted. Walked on, jumped on, dumped on, rained on,
snowed on, stomped on, spit on, cut on, and ratted on.
I've been put off, ran off, and ripped off. Intimidated,
interrogated,
berated, separated, and violated. I've been cussed, and discussed,
boycotted, stunned, shunned, and shocked. Criticized, despised,
ostracized, victimized, brutalized, capsized, analyzed, and
ill-advised.
Slapped, trapped, and wire-tapped. I've been used, abused, bruised,
refused, confused, but never excused. Talked about, lied about,
lied to, bawled out, chewed out, kicked out, knocked out, but never
bailed out.
I've been assailed, derailed, and blackmailed. Scammed, slammed,
burned, stung, stoned, robbed, cheated, booed, sued, misconstrued,
and almost drowned.
And the only reason I'm sticking around is...???
I just want to see what's gonna happen next!
BJ in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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