Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I was reviewing the bandwidth usage for last month and it would
seem that you are enjoying the new toons that Nancy put up Last
months use 450 gig topped every other month. BTW this is not a
concern as Nancy got a hosting package that will cover 20 times that
each month but right now people are downloading two movie clips per
second all day long.
However when I moved on to the next screen that broke down the
bandwidth by hours per day I saw an interesting trend. I am seeing a
big jump in bandwidth between 0900-1000 and again between 1300-1500.
Instead of two movies a second it jumps up to seven movies a second.
That means that a lot of you spend your first hour
at the desk in the morning watching video clips or a couple hours
after lunch doing the same. As you know I have nothing against
this but if some of you work for the cable company I could use some
complimentary movie channels and to the guys with the .gov
addresses on my list how about a couple million to help preserve
the buffalo in Northern Michigan. heh heh.
That said I am on my way out to pick up paint and supplies for a
little
home improvement and spring cleaning this weekend. Painting will not
be the problem, keeping Eva out of it till it dries will be an
adventure.
Have a good weekend ..... buff
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sperm Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stanley the Sperm decided he was going to be "the one". He
practiced swimming every day, trying to build up his speed and
endurance. He also started asking all kinds of questions. "How
will I know the egg? What does it look like? What does it smell
like?"
One crusty old sperm who never made it out took a liking to Stanley.
"Well", he said, "legend says the egg is easy to spot. She is big
and round and the smell is heavenly. It is like a combination of
all the flowers in the world and the scent is just overpowering.
You can't miss her. They say you should just hit her head on and if
she accepts you, you will be drawn in and together you will form a
new person. "
The time came and Stanley felt himself being propelled down the
shaft and into the void. He swam and swam, leading his fellow sperm
by several lengths. Finally he rounded a corner and spotted the
egg. Big and round, just like he had been told and dead ahead.
Shouting "I am Stanley the Sperm", he built up even more speed and
rammed the egg head first. He immediately backed out spitting and
snorting. "You smell like shit!!" he exclaimed.
"What did you expect? I'm Travis the Turd"
RogRiley
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The most common reason for a women not to blink during foreplay is
that she doesn't have time.
There's a new cafe in New York City where guys go in and they can
scan
profiles of women who are already in the place, and if they find a
woman that's interesting to them, for the price of a cover charge,
the
staff will arrange an introduction. Didn't that used to be called a
whorehouse
Here's a tip: When hiring a hooker, hire the tallest one available
and
pay her in venison. That way you get the most bang for your buck.
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and
completely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but
you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would
your husband's penis.". The blonde took another shot and nailed the
ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was
excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of
your mouth."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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============
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have
nothing to lose.
I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't
want to
start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper. I read one
this
morning. It said, "Whats the worst thing a wife can get on her
twenty
fifth wedding anniversary?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would
you rather have Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?
A: Parkinson's; it is better to spill half of
your pint than to forget where you left it!
Q: Why don't homosexuals like chess?
A: Because every so often, they have to sacrifice
a queen.
SMOREPLAY: What Smurfs do before they smuck.
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent
quarter.
Q. Why can't Italians roller blade?
A. There wop sided.
Q. What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy?
A. dry Martinez.
Kentucky Scientists discover new use for sheep.
WOOL.
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Sex Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Estrogen vs Testosterone
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part
of the foreplay.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things:
money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money,
they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and
they
fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room:
Sex....
And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.
Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while
the
male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of
day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked
men
elicit laughter from women.
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-
a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap,
and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out
to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime
and a
beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course,
this
will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats,
but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances
and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
get the mail.
A man will dress up for:
weddings, funerals.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will
do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to
the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old American
sitcoms.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain;
they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous;
they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors,
spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -
he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.
TOYS:^
Little girls love to play with toys.
Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.
As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car
phones.
Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots
that
serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks,
beeps,
and requires at least 6 'D' batteries to operate.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by
a
man.
Men will only show their asses,
because ass size doesn't really matter.
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it.
Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer
named Ramone.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just
has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night,
most of which are 'Pass the Doritos,' or
'Got any more beer?'
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like
old
friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused
himself
from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was just about to
take a
leak. Do you want to join me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Mexican Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
COMPILATION OF MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY!
'Heater' - My little sister started to choke, perro my mom told me
to
heater in the back.
'Juicy' - Hey Vato, I will roll a joint and ju tell me if juicy the
cops!
'Sodas' - My vieja looks good and sodas her sister.
'Cheese' - Maria likes me pero cheese too fat.
' Chile ' - When my wife and I were dating, she was fine, but since
we
got married chile herself go.
' Juarez ' - My vieja slapped me and I said, juarez your *uckin
problem! Bish!
'Chicken' - My wife wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go
herself.
'Harrassment' - Orale vato my old lady caught me n bed wit my sancha
pero harrasment nothing to me!!!
'Water' - My vieja gets mad and I dont even know water problem is.
'Brief' - My homie farted gacho bad, and I could not brief.
'Mushroom' - Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there
is
not mushroom.
'Frito' - After arguing with the pinche policia he told me i wuz
frito
go.
'Wafer' - I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los
mensos didn't wafer me.
'July' - You told me you were going to the store and July to me!
Julyer!
'Liver and Cheese' - Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca, I told
him
'orale loco liver alone, cheese mines.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Luck Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gentlemen:
I have just received your letter in regards to the bill I owe you.
You said the bill should have been paid long ago and you don't
understand why it wasn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1957 I
bought a sawmill on credit. In 1959 I bought an ox team, a timber
cart and two ponies; a shotgun, a wine tester, a Colt revolver and
five razorback hogs all on credit. In 1960 the sawmill burned down.
One of my ponies died and the other I loaned to a son-of-a-bitch who
starved him to death. In 1961 my father died and my mother was hung
for horse rustling. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and
I had to pay the doctor $88.32 to keep the bastard from becoming a
relative of mine. In 1963 my son had the mumps and they went down
on him; the doctor had to castrate him to save his life. That
summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the
biggest catfish you ever saw, and one of my sons drowned (not the
castrated one). In 1966 my wife ran away with another feller and
left me with the three small children as a souvenir. I married the
hired girl to keep down expenses, but I had trouble getting her off,
and the doctor told me to try to create some excitement just as she
was beginning to get aroused. That night I pointed the shotgun out
the window while we were in bed and just as she was beginning to
orgasm I pulled the trigger. Well, she shit the bed, I ruptured
myself and killed the best damn milk cow I ever had. The next year
my troubles really started.
My wife caught the clap from the ice man, my son wiped his ass with
a corn cob with poison ivy on it, and someone de-nutted my best
bull. In
1970 I decided to go into another business on my own. I ordered six
bee hives from Sears, Roebuck, and Company. I bought a swarm of
bees and a queen bee all on credit on the installment plan. The
queen bee died and I ordered another one. She turned out to be a
whore and started running around with a horsefly. The honey tasted
like shit so I couldn't sell it. So now, gentlemen, you say if I do
not pay you, you will cause me trouble. Right now if it costs two
cents to shit, I'd have to puke.
Getting money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a
wildcat's ass with a hot trowel, but you are welcome to try. Yours
for more credit, Max
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Thank You
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Jenna's Quest
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OLD CAMP MEETING TIME/NEW PAGE/MARLENE
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John w/ Dancing The Night Away
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A Lesson In Love
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LilyPond ... music notation for everyone
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Check the availability of a username
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Taking A Catnap
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Movie Clips
6664
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AA.WMVPV
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Achmed Jingle Bombs
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AH L'Amour
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Amy G. Kazochee
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Bad To The Bone
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Max Porta Potty
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McDogo
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McElway Basketball
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Men Can't Multitask
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Men Invented Everything
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister is a flat chested girl.
I'm quite a joker, and one day i said to her "Would you
wear gloves if you had no hands??"
She said "No".
So i said "So why do you wear a bra then??"
At this point i thought it advisable to run away, before
she threw something at me.
~~~~~
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at
the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as
he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.
"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the
bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the
neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted.
"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down
"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"
~~~~~
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said
to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly
"It's true, straight up no bull!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
baboons
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bed
http://www.buffalos
beer goggles
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before sex
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bitchin head
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bite my ass
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
All over the bed we did roam
I swear from my mouth I did foam
I was just fit to pop
When we both had to stop..
As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!"
~~
A squeamish young fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
Janet Jackson
She had something to get off her chest
And decided to make a clean breast
We assure you that Janet
Did not mean it or plan it
She just happened to wind up undressed
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill
Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance
in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the
oval office. After the figure had been on display for a couple of
days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip
Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position. They even
went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul
play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down
position. So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum
installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. and it
was more than just one. During the course of one day no less than 18
different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees,
unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and
had a friend snap their photo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chaz has always had a special way with the ladies. He is a regular
Don
Juan when it comes to impressing a chick at a bar. Case in point,
last
weekend I was out with Chaz and overheard him hitting on a young
vixen
with one of his best lines yet... Chaz slithered up next to this
gorgeous babe, turned to her and said, "Those clothes are very
becoming on you!" "Why, thank you!" replied the hotty. "Of course,"
continued Chaz, "if I was on you... I would becoming too!"
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1613
The Castle D'Death
Rob: Just imagine Tami, we get to stay in a haunted castle. Won't
this
be fun?
Tami: Growl.
The Castle is dark and gloomy, with shadows long and foreboding
inside
the walls and outside. Inside the Castle is decorated very strange
with
pictures of tortured souls.
Kathleen: Welcome inside guests. This castle used to be the final
resting place for many people. This was a torture chamber for
victims.
The story goes that their souls roam the halls looking for peace or
for
their killers. Who can say?
Rob: How many guests do you get here?
Kathleen: Let's see we have been open for business since 1971 and
so
far we have had sixteen people stay with us.
Tami: Sixteen people in thirty eight years? Did any of them return
for
a second visit?
Kathleen: No, unfortunately of the sixteen, three died while
staying here
and the rest left after spending one night. I guess they were too
scared
to stay their full time.
Rob: What happened to the three who died?
Kathleen: Scared to death is the official cause of death. Their
hearts
stopped probably due to fright.
Tami: Rob, can we go to a Motel Six somewhere.
Rob: Don't believe all that rubbish, it is just to scare us. This
will be
fun. After all what can go wrong?
Rudy: I am here to protect you.
Sandi: I am here to protect Rudy.
Katie: Who is here to protect me?
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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