Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I keep getting complaints every month that I forgot a holiday on my
list of Bizzare Holidays so this month Jim sent me one that contains
both recognized and obscure holidays. All you have to do is provide
food and beverages and you have 31+ reasons to party.
1 Build A Scarecrow Day - first Sunday in month
1 Canada Day
1 Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day
1 International Joke Day
2 I Forgot Day
2 World UFO Day
3 Compliment Your Mirror Day
3 Disobedience Day
3 Stay out of the Sun Day
4 Independence Day (U.S.)
4 National Country Music Day
4 Sidewalk Egg Frying Day- Hmmmm, I wonder why!?!
5 Work-a-holics Day - even though everyone is on holiday
6 National Fried Chicken Day
7 Chocolate Day
7 National Strawberry Sundae Day
8 Video Games Day
9 National Sugar Cookie Day
10 Teddy Bear Picnic Day
11 Cheer up the Lonely Day
11 World Population Day
12 Different Colored Eyes Day
12 Pecan Pie Day
13 Barbershop Music Appreciation Day
13 Embrace Your Geekness Day
13 Fool's Paradise Day
14 Bastille Day
14 Pandemonium Day
14 National Nude Day
15 Tapioca Pudding Day
15 Cow Appreciation Day- Go out and give a cow a hug
16 International Juggling Day
17 Peach Ice Cream Day
17 Yellow Pig Day
18 National Caviar Day- something's fishy here
19 National Raspberry Cake Day
20 Moon Day
20 National Ice Cream Day (third Sunday of the month)
20 Ugly Truck Day- it's a "guy" thing
21 National Junk Food Day
22 Hammock Day
22 Ratcatcher's Day
23 National Hot Dog Day
23 Vanilla Ice Cream Day
24 Cousins Day
24 Emilia Earhart Day
25 Culinarians Day
25 Threading the Needle Day
26 All or Nothing Day
26 Aunt and Uncle Day
27 Parent's Day - fourth Sunday in July
27 Take Your Pants for a Walk Day
28 National Milk Chocolate Day
29 National Lasagna Day
30 National Cheesecake Day
30 Father-in-Law Day
31 Mutt's Day
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fight Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she
answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me
this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
------------
----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------
----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into
a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered th at the weather would be bad
all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife
of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that?' And then the fight started ...
------------
----
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy Crap?.
That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared
and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground,
ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back,
'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started.....
------------
----
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------
----
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....
------------
----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took
my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------
----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
------------
----
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...
------------
----
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight
started...
------------
----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about
3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
Gordon
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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Bridge Outdoor
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Bringing Civilization To Its Knees
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Car Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Luxury cars are soon to be a thing of the past.
They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car
last week, just to drive that sucker.
The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options.
The seats were of particular interest.
He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the
winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
I stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I thought
it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democratic car
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year round.
Kent
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bull Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The city slicker was spending some time with his country cousins.
The
first morning the farmer said," We need some help today. I'd sure
appreciate it if you could take the bull to pasture three to breed
with the cow there." The city slicker agreed. Six hours later, he
staggered back to the farmhouse, his clothing all torn and
disheveled.
The farmer took a look, then asked, "The bull give you a problem?"
"Hell, no. the bull was eager and raring to go." "
Then why did it take you all day?"
"Because," the city slicker replied, "The cow fought me for hours
before
she'd roll over on her back."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bernie and Esther were not the most religious Jews and in fact they
really only went to Temple once a year. As they were leaving the
Temple,
the Rabbi said, "Bernie, it sure would be nice to see you and Esther
here more than once a year!"
"I know," replied Bernie, "but at least we keep the Ten
Commandments.
"That's great," the Rabbi said. "I'm glad to hear that you keep the
Commandments.
"Yep," Bernie said proudly, "Esther keeps six of them and I keep the
other four."
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer
came to
his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and
wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that
his
card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis
3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke
up in
gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the
door
and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden
and I
was afraid for I was naked."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Moth Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their
bodies
fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman
cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front
door."
"Hide in the bathroom", she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom
as
she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her
husband
came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to
receive
you" she replied with a wink and a smile. "Great" he said, "I'll
just
run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He
found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he
asked, "Who the devil are you?"
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get
rid of
these pesky moths" the lover replied. The husband yelled, "but
you've
got no clothes on!!!"
The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and
said, "Those little bastards."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Snow Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had
been
able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a
night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I
can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
name
is and he always responds the same, he can not tell her. On her
last
night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
The lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
"I
knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell
him
that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in the Caribbean.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Melva/Always and Forever
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Things I Want
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Azada: Ancient Magic
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Warlords Fighting Game
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Easy web authoring
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Cars and Trucks Wavs Via Sally
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Movie Clips
Alan King Survived By
http://www.buffalos
Don't Look Away When I'm Talking To You
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Durex Funny Commercial
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Elevator Candid Camera
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Every Man's Dream
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Idiot 2
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Idiot 4
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GG
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Chickens Revenge
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Chimp
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hunting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about
his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one
could
dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he
would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could
locate
the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was
that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it
if
they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal
skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Springbok." Then
he
felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was
right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their
car
trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion
Shot with a .416 rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time
against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of
his
mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the
mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, I
know
I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and
not
remember it. Where did I get this black eye?
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and
put
your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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butthead
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Gay Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What Is A Gay Masochist?
A. A Sucker For Punishment.
Q. What Is A Gay Seven Course Dinner?
A. Seven Inches, Seven Ways.
Q. What Is Better, Being Born Black Or Gay?
A. Black, Because You Don't Have To Tell Your Parents.
Q. What Is The Brown Stuff On A Queer's Dick?
A. Gay Poopon.
Q. What Is The Definition Of Bloody Mary?
A. A Wounded Gay.
Q. What Is The Difference Between A Freezer And A Gay?
A. A Freezer Doesn't Fart After You Pull The Meat Out!
Q. What Is The Difference Between A Microwave And A Gay Male's
Lifestyle?
A. The Microwave Won't Brown Your Meat.
Q. What Is The Difference Between A Straight Rodeo And A
Gay Rodeo?
A. At A Straight Rodeo They Yell `Ride Them Suckers!'.
Q. What Is The Most Entertaining Part About Gay Bars?
A. The Cockfighting In The Back Room.
Q. What Is The Most Romantic Thing You Can Say To Someone
In A Gay Bar?
A. `May I Move Your Stool?'
Q. When There Was A Gay On Your Back, Would You Beat Him
Off?
Q. Who Is The Saddest Gay In Hollywood?
A. The Last One To Get A Piece Of The `Rock'.
Q. Why Did The Gay Cover Himself With Whipped Cream?
A. He Was Going To The Party As A Wet Dream.
Q. Why Didn't The Gay Student Sit Down?
A. His Seat Was Taken Right Before Class.
Q. Why Do Bi-Sexuals And Gay Men Smoke Cigars?
A. Practice Makes Perfect!
Q. Why Is A 25 Year Old Gay Like A 90 Year Old Heterosexual?
A. For Each One, Sex Is Behind Him.
Q. Why Is A Gay At An Orgy Like A Turkey?
A. He'll Gobble, Gobble, Gobble 'Till You Cut Off His Head.
Q. Why Is Normal Sperm Fresher Than Homosexual Sperm?
A. Because Most Gay Sperm Comes In A Can.
Q. Why Was The Gay Fired From His Job At The Sperm Bank?
A. For Drinking On The Job.
Q. Why Was The Gay Sergeant Court-Martialed?
A. They Caught Him Playing With His Privates.
Q. Did You Hear About The Gay Milkman?
A. He Never Left An Empty Behind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A tractor salesman was passing a farm, where the farmer was plowing
the
field with a bull. He goes over and offers to sell the farmer a
tractor
to plow with. The farmer tells him "I don't need a tractor, I have
three
new ones at the barn"
Well if you have three new tractors at the barn, why are you plowing
this field with that bull, asked the salesman?
The farmer replied, "This is part of the bulls continuing education,
I
am teaching him that there is more to farming than fucking and
tearing
down fences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Red Riding Hood is minding her own business and walking
through
the forest. All of a sudden, the Big Bad Wolf jumps in front of her
and
screams, "Little Red Riding Hood, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!!!!" Little
Red
Riding Hood jumps back in fright and yells, "OH NO!!! ARE YOU GOING
TO
EAT ME WHOLE????!!!
that
part out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
From BJ in Guthrie
I lost a dear friend June 26th Julian Stetnish. The most humble
Christian man I have been blessed to have known. A veteran of World
War II, a man who knew Will Rogers, an Elder Emeritus and was
honored as one of Oklahoma's 'Centenarians' during an OU game. He
was the same age as OU. He will sit at the Table with his Master.
All of this, he was my friend.
I wrote this a few years ago...
Julian, my 102 Year-old Friend and our
Journey
Once a month I try to take Julian, a member of our church for a
short trip.
Julian has an amazing mind, sharp and clear. He enjoys our time
together. I
have taken him to Spaghetti Warehouse in downtown bricktown, OKC. I
have taken him to see Jackie Chan's sequel to the Shanghai Kid,
Shanghai
Knights, at the movies.
However, yesterday was his favorite trip.
After church we took US highway 277 through a lot of small towns
and
wound up at Meers, Oklahoma, population 3. Meers has a restaurant
has is
state famous for their longhorn hamburgers. They serve about
100,000 a
year according to Southern Living magazine. The restaurant is
rustic and
has a seismograph as the restaurant is close to a fault. The food
was terrific.
The drinks were served in fruit jar glasses. Around the restaurant
photos of
Frank James, Geronimo and photos of cowboys days long past were
displayed.
After we left the restaurant we drove up Mt. Scott the tallest
mountain in
Oklahoma (outside of Lawton, Oklahoma). The mountain is a baby
mountain but the terrain and the mountain range is very old, older
than the
rockies. Next stop was the Holy City, a replica of Bethlehem and
the site of
the longest running passion play in the United States, about 77
years. Tens
of thousands watch the play every year on blankets and lawn chairs
while the
actors work from the tomb, the manger, even the ark of Noah is
represented.
The church at this location is something else. It reminds me of
how a church
in old Istanbul might look. The ceilings are painted in the manner
of old
Christian churches of the middle east. Portraits of the original
disciples
adorn the inside. This is truly an amazing sight.
Of course the last few stops are on open range where hundreds
of buffalo
and longhorns run wild. Do not try to take a picture close up of a
buffalo or
a longhorn as they are wild.
One little good deed we did was I picked up a native-american
lady who
was going to a pow-wow. She was scheduled to dance but had a
misunderstanding with a loved one and did not want to dance in her
mood.
She had walked about 10 miles before we picked her up and took her
home
(another 10 miles). She was thankful and we were blessed as she
told us
some scenic routes to take.
Last stop, Medicine Park, Oklahoma. Without a doubt the most
fantastic
town I have seen in Oklahoma. Most of the buildings are made of
cobblestone so there is a certain conformity to the whole town. A
large
stream runs through the middle of town and we parked and watched
kids
climb trees and jump into the water. The water enters town via a
waterfall
and is about 30 feet or so wide and the depth varies. The town is
placed on a
hilly area and is beautiful. We had to visit the town a second time
before we
left the area. Live music drifted through the air from a open area
of a
restaurant stamping our memory to come back one day.
What I remember was Julian laughing with joy at the top of the
mountain, Julian laughing with joy at seeing the buffalo roam and
the
multitude of prairie dogs posing as we drove by and lastly, the firm
handshake he gave me at his home with the words of thanking me for
showing him parts of Oklahoma he had never seen before.
B.J. Cassady
Guthrie, Oklahoma
A ps
Yesterday we said goodbye to Julian. In church, my wife sang him a
song,
I told him how much I will miss him and 'thanks for the memories.'
He is
moving to Indiana to be with his son. Julian, who rafted the
Illinois river at
81, who rode the rails, who experiences each day as a new child, who
is one of
the three most humble men I have ever known. Julian, a walking
living
testimony of how to live life, how to inspire people and how to
worship God,
is moving away.
He said, "This is just another chapter in my life." Julian, my
friend go with
peace, go with God and someday when you are there with Him put a
word in
for me because I am certain you are in good standing with the Man.
BJ
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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