Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I think that the Liberals had Michael Jackson executed to cover up shoving the Cap and Trade bill through the house on Friday afternoon. It barely passed and I thank those that had the balls to vote against their party. Our country is facing enough problems right now without burdening those living on fixed incomes and low wages from another jump in services. We live on the Great Lakes and most of our power comes from hydro-electric stations on the river. Power was cheap at .05 a kilowatt hour but we were
purchased by another company in Wisconsin so that we would
have a source of additional cheap power. Power from the
south has been expensive since the eighties when Consumers Power halted construction on another reactor and were authorized to charge
their users for the unfinished reactor.
The Wisconsin company also owns several generating stations near Marquette that were originally built for K.I. Sawyer Air Force base. These coal fired plants are seventh on the lists of polluters for the state so they are going to be heavily taxed over the period of the bill. The Upper Peninsula of Michigan has a third of the total land mass of the state and 3 percent of the population of the state. We don't have smog and our main air quality problem is pollen from all of the trees and plants. The air up here is so clean that if you fart the whole neighborhood knows it so why are we being faced with the same penalties as Los Angeles and New York City?
We are told that it won't be us that foots the bill, it will be the utilities and the polluters. What utility isn't going to be asking for an increase in rates the minute they get a bill for cap and trade?
They are also talking about job creation for alternative energy which will be heavily subsidized. There was a great plan to build a huge algae farm that would produce power both with solar and biomass in the
middle of the desert and the minute the concept was talked about the environmentalists were out screaming it was bad for the jackrabbits. My town has already put out a moratorium on windmills because no one wants to hear that swishing sound. If you give me power for .03 a kw/h they can put it in my bedroom window.
Thank you for a few seconds to rant, probably won't be the last you hear
about it. Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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Random Chips
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It's easy to admire a good loser at a strip-poker party.
A New York fashion designer warns that if hemlines get any shorter, women won't dare sit down and men won't dare stand up.
If exercise eliminates fat, how come women get double chins?
Two Miami Beach beauties in teeny bikinis were taking their afternoon sunning when one asked," Did you hear that they're holding a beauty contest here tomorrow night?" "Sure," replied the other beachnik, blushing. "I won it last night."
The crowded elevator had just begun to rise when a well-stacked miss screamed and said,"I've been geesed!" "You mean you've been goosed," corrected the proper fellow standing next to her.\ "I can count." came her sarcastic reply.
A sweet young thing of our acquaintance decided that she would rather be a young man's slave than an old man's darling, because she couldn't stand the idea of old age creeping up on her.
The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and there is every indication that you are going to have twins." "But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. "I've never been out on a double-date in my life."
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Magic Chips
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TOP 13 SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG MAGICIAN
13 Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together.
12 Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on.
11 "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma.
10 Makes a bird appear for the kids by simply raising his middle finger.
9 Replaces pulling a rabbit out of his hat with the slightly racier pulling the "big snake" out of his pants.
8 She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible.
7 His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister.
6 During one trick, screams, "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!"
5 Begins by saying his first trick "relies on the magic of sweet, sweet love."
4 His biggest trick? Converting a sixer of Coors into "liquid gold" -- eventually.
3 Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo.
2 Before every trick, tells hostess, "For this one I'm going to need to borrow your bra."
1 Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "Ohshitohshitohshit
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting "The Top 5 List at www.topfive.
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Penis Chips
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This truck driver, with a thousand miles of bad road behind him, walks into a roadside bar. After only taking two steps into the establishment, he sees the bizarre lighting and lack of females and realizes it's a gay bar. But his thirst is much stronger than his disdain and thinks to
himself: "What the hell, I really need that drink!" Soon a gay waiter approaches and says to the truck driver: "What's the name of your penis?"
The truck driver, quite surprised, says: "Look fellah', I'm just not into that kinda' life-style. All I want is a drink, and then I'll be on my way."
The gay waiter replies: "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
So the truck driver decides to play along and says: "All right, first, what's the name of your penis?"
The gay waiter proudly says: "Nike! You know -- just do it!"
The truck driver thinks for a moment and says: "Okay, the name of my penis is Secret."
The waiter says: "Secret?"
The truck driver smiles: "Yeah, you know -- strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
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Midget Chips
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During the Boer war at an English army post in
Africa a new commandant arrives to take over.
He says to the old commandant "Well done and
compliments from Her Majesty"
The old commandant says "I can't take the credit,
my right hand man Smithers runs this place!! I'll
introduce you to him"
The old commandant calls out "Smithers!!" and from
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withered arm and a gummy leg!!
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give me your history prior to joining up here
Smithers!!"
Smithers replies "Well sir, I was All England
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The old Commandant says "Yes-we know all that
Smithers- tell the new commandant about the
time here when you told our local witchdoctor
to go fuck himself!"
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Military Chips
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Which Service Has the Smartest Enlisted Force?
There is no doubt at all that, of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just opinion, it's provable
fact:
Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a young Captain, Gives his Marines a Sharp Salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the messroom.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a fresh uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"
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Short Chips
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When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for the trees?" a young man asked.
============
Two ladies were talking over the back fence. One asked, "Do you use oral contraceptives?
The other said, "Oh, no! Don't tell me you can get pregnant THAT way!"
============
When I was a kid, we walked 10 miles to school every day, sometimes in the rain or snow. Man, did we feel stupid when we found out there was a bus.
============
Several years ago a 45 year-old woman was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police she said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.
===========
Seen On a Plumber's truck:
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============
When short hemlines came back into fashion, I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet.
I tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with my other leg.
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Sleeve Chips
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On a farm out in the boonies, lived this young lad who had met an older woman, from the big city, named Jill. She had recently moved into a house down the road from the farm.
-
While the lad was a bit naive, having been born and raised on a farm, Jill was worldly and was teaching the lad some love making tricks he'd never even dreamed about.
-
One day they were on the couch, and things were getting hot and heavy when she told him, "I want to do something different today. I want you to give me a Sleeve Job."
-
"A what?" the lad asked.
"A Sleeve Job," Jill replied. I want you to give me a Sleeve Job." "What's a 'Sleeve Job'?"
-
"I can't tell you," Jill said, coyly. "You'll have to find that out yourself. I'm too much of a lady."
-
So the lad left, despondedly. Who in this hick town would know what a Sleeve Job is? He asked himself. Then he brightened; Mom! Mom would know. She's from the Big City, too! In fact his whole family was from the City except he, the youngest, having been the only one born on the Farm.
-
He rushed home and charged in the kitchen where his mother was busy cooking dinner. "Mom! I have a question for you." "Okay, Son. Anything for my darling boy," she replied. "What's your question?" "What's a Sleeve Job, Mom?"
-
She stopped what she was doing, her face took on an insane look and she grabbed the biggest butcher knife she could find, charging him, swinging the lethal weapon at him. It was all he could do to keep out of her way; she was a madwoman!
-
She chased him throughout the house, never quite reaching him with the knife, until finally he was able to escape.
-
Panting and sweating he reached the woodshed where his father was cutting and stacking wood for the winter. "Dad," he sobbed, "Mom just tried to kill me with a butcher knife. And it was just because I asked her a question!" "What?!?" replied his father, "Your mother loves you, like I do! What on earth question could possibly make her do such an awful thing ?"
-
"Are you sure you want me to ask it? After all, Mom was okay until I asked her what a Sleeve Job is...oops!" His father turned beet red, he grabbed the axe he was cutting wood with and took a swing at his son; trying to behead him. he took off and ran into the corn field with his father cursing and ranting after him. Finally, after much zig-zagging, he loses his old man in the vast rows of corn.
-
Really despondent now he wandered aimlessly through the corn field and happened on his older brother, Bill, who had just fixed a tractor that had broken down while he was harvesting the corn. Bill looked at him and said, "Wow! Look at you! You look like something the dog ate and then threw up. What's wrong, Bro?"
-
Now he and Bill were close. Closer than most brothers, in fact. But, in light of current events, the lad was hesitant at disclosing to his older sibling what the cause of it all was.
-
All he would reveal was, "Mom and Dad just tried to kill me!"
-
"What?. "Kill you? What on earth for? They love you, man. I find that hard to believe!" exclaimed Bill. "It's true! I swear!" the lad sobbed.
-
-
"Okay, okay," Bill consoled him. "I'm sure it was all a misunderstanding. I'll get it straightened out. I know I can." "Really?" the lad looked up, hopefully. "Of course! That's what brothers are for !
-
You and me are tight, so it's no problem. Now, what happened that would make murderers out of such great parents?" "I dunno, Bill. I'd thought everything was all right with Mom and Dad and look what happened. All I did was ask them a simple question and they went ballistic on me."
-
"Well, no matter what it is, guy, you know I wouldn't do that. Remember, we're tighter than most brothers." "Welllll, okay. Here
goes: What's a Sleeve Job ?"
-
Bill's expression of love instantly changed. His face got red, his eyes glazed and took on a murderous expression. He jumped on the tractor he'd just fixed and started it up. Then tried to run his brother down. The lad jumped out of the way just in time and managed to elude his now not so close brother on the much slower tractor.
-
Now more despondant than ever, he went back to Jill's place and knocked on the door. She answered it and saw the condition he was in. "What hurricane hit you?"
-
"My whole family. I asked my Mom, Dad and brother what a Sleeve Job is and they each tried to kill me!" "Oh, you poor, poor baby," she cooed. -
-
"Just because you've been through so much, I'll have to show you what a Sleeve Job is, but first I'll have to take a shower. - Meanwhile, you can undress and wait for me on the couch; I won't be long."
-
She went into the bathroom, took off her clothes and started the shower water. -
-
Then, when she went to step into the shower, she slipped on a bar of soap on the floor she hadn't seen, hit her head on the toilet --killing herself instantly.
-
The poor lad never did find out what a Sleeve Job was. If you find out let me know too !
Urban Dictionary: sleeve job sleeve job - 1 definition - The act of sticking one's whole arm up a womens vagina. www.urbandictionary
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "That isn't your finger?" ____________
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more,
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor. ____________
It has been repeatedly said
That Barb loves to play in bed
And If she can find the right guy
That was willin' an able to comply
She'll put a ceiling mirror overhead -
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
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Personals In The Dublin News
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet_faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 1130 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
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Bonus Chip
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Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and
decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He
pushes up the seat and balances his little penis
on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down,
and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping
round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained
face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
Peggy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1632
The Store
When Tami enters the store she looks around....
The main floor is as large as a football field and it is full of shoes. She breaks down and cries.
Tami: Shoes, shoes everywhere. Where do I start?
Salesperson: Size please? Oh I see, you need this floor. All this floor is your size and today every shoe is half off.
Thud!
Salesperson: Medic!
A few minutes later...
Tami: Where am I? Is this Heaven?
Rudy: We are here with you Tami. We have come to help you and to make certain you do not spend too much money.
Tami: Balderdash! Move out of my way. Tami grabs a shopping cart that is attached to a second shopping cart and starts off for aisle
seven hundred and twenty two.
Salesperson: She seems quite determined.
Katie: Alas, we are here to try and slow here down.
Salesperson: And I am here to sell her as much as I can.
Four hours later... Tami is sitting in the middle of a huge stack of shoes.
Katie: So which pair of shoes are you getting Miss Tami?
Tami with red eyes: All of them!
Rudy: There must be a hundred pair there.
Tami: No silly, there are eight hundred and sixty-seven pair of shoes.
Rudy: To borrow your word Miss Tami....Ack!
Tami: Nonsense, I need every pair.
Salesperson: Cash or Charge?
Tami: Charge.
Rob enters the store: What are you doing Tami?
Tami: I thought you were on a boat?
Rob: Your plane is slow, my boat is fast.
Tami: I am just buying a few trinkets.
Rob: Eight hundred and sixty-seven pair of shoes trinkets?
Tami: Well, they are half off.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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