[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Thurs





Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Well I have discovered the source of the noise. Algoma Steel
is testing out their new co-generation plant and since the steam
isn't being routed to the generator turbine they have to vent it
continuously. They had anticipated the noise would be confined
to the area around the plant but people all over are hearing it.
Once I knew what it was I slept pretty well last night.

Even though we are experience some hard frosts still I have
made my second annual act of defiance against the snow
gods, I chopped my beard off. That will soon be followed by
a very short haircut and then it will be back to growing my
winter coat. As I was chopping my chin clean with a pair
of scissors as I read my mail this morning, I couldn't help but
notice my once red beard has turned to mostly white. Can't tell
whether old age has crept up on me or if it is the family making
me prematurely grey. It does leave me the possibility of a job
as Santa, all I have to do is get a red suit and learn to say, Ho,
Ho, Ho, Have you been a good little girl this year?"

For those of you that never became attached to Vista, Microsoft has
announced an October 22 release date for Windows 7 which has
been said to be smaller and faster than Vista. If you are in the
Market
for a new computer it may be best to try to make it through summer
and order one with Home Premium, Professional, or Ultimate on it.
Unlike Vista, it has been tested on the new net books and works
great with the 1.6 GHz. Atom processor and a gig of ram.

Have a great day and enjoy the chips .... buffalo

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Gay Chips
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An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air
flight
with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else
came
and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down
do an
empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US
Air
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you
have
to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still
more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat
of
Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there,

"Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said,

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

The flight attendant said,

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."

At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this,
(and was rather amused) jumped up and said,
"Excuse me, you've made a mistake I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said,

"Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

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Bill Consoles Hillary
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Bird Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a Chinese father named Cheng who was very close to his
son.
They used to go everywhere together including looking for "birds"
(Chinese slang for prostitute).

One day, Chung the son decided to go overseas for study. The father
was
very supportive, and before his son left, the father told him,

"Chung we cannot look for chicken together for the next few years.
However, if you need to look for chicken, please go ahead and I will
pay
for it. But please state the expense as 'Shooting Bird' so that your
mother will not suspect."

So the son left, and after a month, the father received the bill
from
Chung, the son,......(shooting bird - $300).

Subsequently, and for the next few months, the bill for shooting
bird is
more than $700. Well, the father could not tolerate this, so he
wrote to
his son.

"Chung Son, you have been shooting too expensive bird, try some
cheaper
one".

A month later, Cheng, the father, received another bill from his
son. On
it he had written:

Shooting Bird - $50
Rifle Repair - $2,000

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Piano Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking
arsewipe?'
he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and
replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that
sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-
fucking
manager of this bastard place?' 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the
manager,
'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such
profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'Fuck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fucking piano?'
'Pardon?'
says the manager.

'Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit,
show me your cunting piano.' 'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come
about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you
play
any blues?' 'Of course I fucking can,' and the bloke proceeds to
play
the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the
manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?' 'I tried to shag yer missus on
the
sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager
has
ever heard. 'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I
Wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in
the
soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the
manager
has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your
hairy
ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him
the
job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk
to
any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid
his
eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are
almost falling out the top of her black lace bra,and the skimpy
little
'G' string she's wearing is doingvery little to conceal her ample
charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking
suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her
chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to
the
Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he
hears the manager's voice.

'Where's that bastard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself,
and
in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust
himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The
blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers
in
his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your
trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?' "Know it ",he said,
"Hell I
wrote it".

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Finger Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few years ago, Lazy Ted got lucky in this little bar in Mayfield.
She
was a good-looking girl, too. He drove her around to this park, the
local lovers' lane, for a little privacy and they were getting along
just fine, when some local louts happened by.

Luckily, all the doors of the car were locked and the larrikins had
to
content themselves with rocking it backwards and forwards. Lazy
Ted
wasn't
going to hang around for any nonsense. He stuck the car into reverse
and
revved out of the car park. Bodies scattered in his wake. He ended
up
taking the girl to the safety of a nearby hotel.

Lazy Ted might have forgotten all about the incident but, the very
next
day, as he was watching his wife, Betty, washing the car, you'll
never
guess what he saw - a finger, just sitting there in the grille in
front
of the motor.

Well, he shook his head and was about to tell Betty to put it in,
the
rubbish, when she stopped him short. 'That finger must belong to
someone. We'd better take it down the road to the Lost and Found.
You'd
be surprised what they can do with microsurgery these days.'

Lazy Ted followed his missus down to the local cop shop where they
were
extra helpful. While Betty was out of ear shot, he told them the
full
story - exactly what happened, how, when, where and why.

Afterwards, Lazy Ted went home and forgot all about the whole
business
until one day, this cop came to the door and presented him with this
little frozen container ... and in it -the finger.

'According to Section 4 of Article 8 of the Mislaid Articles Act of
1893,' the cop spouted off 'found goods, if unclaimed by the owner
and
the loser of the aforementioned lost goods, after a period of three
months, should be returned to the finder, who will be thereafter
considered the owner and therefore the loser, in the event of the
goods
ever being re-lost.'

Lazy Ted didn't really know what to do, but he took the finger and
thanked the cop for his trouble. He told Betty to put it in the
freezer.

Soon afterwards, the phone calls started. A man, his voice deep,
husky
and mean, would ring and say, 'You got my finger. You better give it
back ... or you'll get rubbed.'

Night after night, the same man rang with the same message. Then,
during
the day, the Health Department started ringing and a man with a
high,
piping voice, would tell Ted, 'Keeping a finger in your freezer
contravenes Section 1, Article 12, of the Body Parts in the Kitchen
Act
of 1923, and if you persist in infringing this regulation, we will
be
forced to carry out immediate legal action.'

The final straw was when the surgeon started calling up daily, too.
'Listen, we get kids in here every day, with their fingers missing -
car
accidents, gun accidents ... you name it. Some will never be able to
use
their hands again. With that finger, you could at least help one ...
just one of them.'

Finally, it got too much for Betty. 'Listen Ted, do something. Give
that
finger back to the gangster. Give it to the Health Department. Even
give
it to the hospital. Just get rid of it. It's no use to US.

But it was all to no avail. Lazy Ted wouldn't hear of it. You know
what
he's like. He'd never lift a finger to help himself or anyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Trivia Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy
oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your
genitals.

A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.

According to a US market research firm, the most popular American
bra
size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.

In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful,
virgins were restricted from contact with them.

Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century,
confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade
of
lovers, she had never had an orgasm.

According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular
flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.

"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or
having
an erect penis.

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Short Chips
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When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental
health
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I
have to smile, because then I know they understand.

You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the
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and the part severed below.

I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear. When I'm ecstatic,
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My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style. I'd probably like it, too,
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My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but
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I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always
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The other day, I tried some Kentucky jelly. It didn't taste very
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It just isn't fair. I never had any juvenile impulses at all until
after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.

I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat
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Sure, they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't
discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have seen
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Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true -- unless,
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With the advances in cosmetic surgery and dentistry, if a man finds
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I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man whom life had given
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Last night I had a dream that I was on the $100,000 Pyramid and
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the
glamorous movie queen, "I understand you were courted by many
European
noblemen during your four weeks abroad." "That's right, honey," she

replied, hiking her skirt still higher and smiling into the flashing

cameras. "I managed to make every second count."

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without
thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
men's
balls."

The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other
side
of his desk. "I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You are
definitely pregnant again." "This will be the fifteenth, doc," said

Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is enough. I want

one of those hearing aids!" "A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor.
"Surely you mean a contraceptive device?" "I mean a hearing aid,
doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband
comes
in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now then-are we going to
sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say, 'What?"

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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
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There once was a girl from Nantucket.
Her boyfriend was about to up-chuck it.
She said with a grin,
"Wipe that cum from your chin.
I told you it's my job to suck it!"

There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There was a man from the War Office
Who got into bed with a whore of his.
She took off her drawers
With many a pause,
But the chap from the Office tore off his.

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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was in a Hallmark store, trying to pick out an anniversary
card
for his wife. The clerk was concerned that the customer had already
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asked.

"Yes, there is," he replied ruefully. - "I can't find one card my
wife will believe."

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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New
York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says
arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No.
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About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her
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she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1612

The Landing

Tami staggers out of the plane to see Rudy using the fire
extingisher
on the left engine while Sandi is pumping air into one of the tires.

Katie: Nice landing huh?

Rob: It sure was exciting. We made it by at least one hundred
yards
to spare. Sandi sure knows her math.

Slap!

Tami: We could have gotten killed.

Rob: Quit looking at the dark side. We are here alive and we are
in
Ireland.

Katie: I have phoned and there will be a cab here soon to take us
all
to the local Castle where we will spend the night.

Rob: See I told you it would be fine.

Tami: What is the name of the Castle?

Katie: Err ah, Castle Durth or Death something like that.

Tami: Gulp!

Later... A small bus pulls up with another Irish Setter driving.

Katie: Hello cousin!

Tami: Cousin!

Katie: Yes, this is my cousin Kathleen, she is quite the
mischevious
one of the family.

Tami: Gulp! and you are not?

Rob: Let's load our bags onto the bus.

Kathleen: Come on Yanks we do not have all day. Shake a leg.

Rudy, Sandi, Rob, Katie, and Tami are soon aboard and off to the
Castle
D'Death they head.

Tami to Kathleen: Where does the Castle gets it's name?

Kathleen: Oh I suppose from the ghosts that roam the halls at night
or perhaps the other mysterious happenings that occur.

Tami: Gulp!

To be continued

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Remember 9/11/01

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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783

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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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