Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I know it's the second of the month and here's your list. Party on
dudes and Ms. Nutt was the first telephone operator.
1 Emma M. Nutt Day
2 National Beheading Day
3 Skyscraper Day
4 Newspaper Carrier Day
5 Cheese Pizza Day
6 Fight Procrastination Day
6 Read a Book Day
7 Neither Rain nor Snow Day
8 Pardon Day
9 Teddy Bear Day
10 Sewing Machine Day
10 Swap Ideas Day
11 Make Your Bed Day
11 No News is Good News Day
12 Chocolate Milk Shake Day
13 Defy Superstition Day
13 Fortune Cookie Day
13 National Peanut Day
14 National Cream-Filled Donut Day
15 Make a Hat Day
15 Felt Hat Day
16 Collect Rocks Day
16 Step Family Day
16 National Play Doh Day
17 National Apple Dumpling Day
18 National Cheeseburger Day
19 International Talk Like A Pirate Day
19 National Butterscotch Pudding Day
19 POW/MIA Recognition Day
20 National Punch Day
21 Miniature Golf Day
21 World Gratitude Day
22 Business Women's Day
22 Elephant Appreciation Day
23 Checkers Day
23 Dog in Politics Day
24 National Cherries Jubilee Day
25 National Comic Book Day
26 Johnny Appleseed Day
27 Crush a Can Day
27 International Rabbit Day
28 Ask a Stupid Question Day
29 Confucius Day
30 National Mud Pack Day
I have been inundated by political material lately. I know it's the
season but having to empty my mailbox 10 times a day slows
everything down. I will still accept political humor on any candidate
past or present for the chips and that does not mean things like
George Bush is a freaking joke. To attempt to maintain a positive
experience on the Scuttlebutt, articles that are longer than a few
paragraphs and purely political will be sent through separately
so people have a choice of reading or deleting. If you send me
long articles verbatim from Newsmax, truth out, move on etc. I
will probably delete them. If you send me something from Michael
Moore I will definitely delete it as I consider him being a resident
of
Michigan reason for the Yoopers to secede from the state and join
Wisconsin but only if they take Favre back.
Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Seaman Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to "get your
ass over here".
"What's your name sailor?" was the first thing the Chief asked the
new guy.
"John", the new guy replied.
The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart,
liberal, pansy-ass stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity
and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker-
that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself
perfectly clear sailor?"
"Aye, aye, Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling Chief. My name is John Darling,
Chief!"
"Okay......John, here's what I want you to do..."
Dave
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Bringing the Magtag
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Better when a beast
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Big objects
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sarah Palin Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE SARAH PALIN CHRONICLES
Little Known Facts about the Alaska governor, culled from the
PalinFacts.com blog...
* Sarah Palin is not affected by global warming, evolution or
gravity.
* Sarah Palin eats moose. Preferably live.
* Sarah Palin is so HOT that God had to send a hurricane to cool
America off.
* Sarah Palin will give birth to the man who will lead humanity's war
against the machines.
* Sarah Palin knows how old the Chinese gymnasts are.
* Sarah Palin wears glasses lest her uncontrollable optic blasts
slaughter everyone.
* Queen Elizabeth II curtsied when she was introduced to Sarah Palin
* Sarah Palin's enemies are automatically added to the Endangered
Species List
* Sarah Palin is what Willis was talkin bout
* When Sarah Palin attends ritual blood orgies, she always brings the
most delicious ambrosia salad
* Death once had a near-Sarah Palin experience
* Sarah Palin can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves!
* In the original version, He-Man had the power of Sarah Palin, but
the writers felt this would make him way too powerful
* Sarah Palin was not flown to Ohio in charter jet - she ran there as
part of her morning workout.
* Sarah Palin begins every day with a moment of silence for the
political enemies buried in her yard.
* Sarah Palin uses French Canadians as bait to catch giant king
salmon.
* Sarah Palin once bit the head off a live Osprey snatched from the
air as it tried to fly off with a fish she caught.
* When Sarah Palin booked a flight to Europe, the French immediately
surrendered.
* Sarah Palin's finishing move in the VP debate will be pulling
Biden's still beating heart from his chest & taking a bite.
* Sarah Palin isn't allowed to wield the gavel at the convention
because they're afraid she'll use it to kill liberals.
* Sarah Palin once won a competitive eating contest by devouring
three live caribou.
* Sarah Palin once carved a perfect likeness of the Mona Lisa in a
block of ice using only her teeth.
* Sarah Palin will pry your Klondike bar from your cold dead fingers.
* Sarah Palin doesn't need a gun to hunt. She has been known to throw
a bullet through an adult bull elk.
* Sarah Palin drives a Zamboni to work.
* Sarah Palin can divide by zero.
Wabbit in NC
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Record Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was at a music store and checking out the records, (I'm really
into
vinyl) and find nothing that interests me, so I say, "Have a nice
day"
and as I was walking out of a music store I tucked in my shirt. The
guy at the door stops me and says "All right, Bubba, I know you have
got a record in your pants." I pull away from him and say "I don't.
I
have nothing of yours buddy!" He refuses to let me go and pulls me
into the back room where his boss, the owner or the store, who was
this tall sexy redhead, was. She takes hold of me and the door man
walks back to his position. She interrogates me, and I hold my
ground.
She said if I don't produce a record, she will call the cops. Right
about then I got so frustrated that I pull down my pants and show
her
what I got. She starts giving me a blow job telling me how sorry she
was for falsely accusing me, and she insists on walking me out of
the
store. As we passed the door man he shouts "Was there a record? Did
he
have the record? "The owner said " No, but he missed it by only a
half
inch."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male. "Aren't you worried about your
husband's new job at the gas station? Those fumes could cause him to
lose the lead in his pencil." "Doesn't matter." giggled the other
lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."
Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with
you, Tom?" "Please don't ask." "I'm your best friend. You can talk
to
me." "My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant." "That's
not
possible." "No, he did." "How?" "He punctured my condoms!"
"That new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!" bemoaned
Rich
to Ernie. "That girl is a real mirage." "Aren't you using the wrong
word?" asked Ernie. "A mirage is something you can see but can't
feel." "Yeah," came the reply "That describes her exactly!"
What's the definition of an 11?
A 10 that swallows!
What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavors
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Tax Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bizarre Tax Write-Offs
A client approached Manhattan CPA Marc Albaum about a
very personal tax matter. "He had made some money
being a sperm donor and wanted to know if he could
take a depletion allowance," Albaum recalls. "I told
him he really needed to be an oil well or something
like that."
A client insisted on deducting the cost of his
television and cable service, against his accountant's
advice. "His reasoning was that he was a Spanish
teacher at school, and the only reason he bought the
TV and had the cable was for the Spanish channels so
he could be able to teach his students better," Frank
Howard, CPA and principal of Howard and Waltrip in Dallas, says.
Back when the Society of Louisiana CPAs manned a tax
hot line, few inquiries stumped them. But Al Suffrin,
SLCPA's communications and public relations director,
recalls one that did: "We took a call from an ostrich
farmer in St. Tammany Parish who called in to find out
how to go about depreciating an ostrich," he says.
Strange as it sounds, you can depreciate an ostrich or
any other livestock, as long as it's used for breeding.
"I had a guy come in one time wanting to know if he
could deduct the cost of his dog food. His reasoning
was that his dog was security for his house, therefore
the dog food became a security expense," Howard says.
A rookie tax accountant completed a return for one of
the firm's old and trusted clients and turned it in to
his boss, says Mary Anne Petesch, a CPA with Hagen
Kurth Perman and Co. of Seattle. There followed
several loud whoops of laughter from the partner's
office. It seems the client had accidentally lost his
dentures when they fell in the toilet and had claimed
them on his taxes as an act-of-God casualty loss.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Holy Water Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Maury went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.... "Bless
me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last
confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times,
missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred
times, and played with a girl's private parts."
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa,
that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash
your hands in holy water."
So little Maury knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious
incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the
holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when
the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and
says, "Move over, pal. I gotta gargle...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Field Of Sunshine
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WHO SHOULD READ THE BIBLE
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If You See My Savior
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Deep Fried Pizza via Day
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Guitar Speed Record
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120 Ways to Boost Your Brain Power
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IKEA commercial not seen in US
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Indian teacher explaining the word fuck
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tax Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex. Everyone would
pay their share. Young people would pay more taxes and your tax
liability would decrease as you got older.
The tax would also promote family values. How would you like to come
home to your wife and have her ask, "Honey, why is your tax bill
larger than mine?" Or be a teenager and come home to your dad with
your tax bill in his hand.
We wouldn't have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be
paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.
Locker room conversations would change ... "Get a load of this tax
bill!"
The forms would change a little also. We would now have a
1040-Quickee. And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase ...
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dirty Ol' Bastard
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Drinking
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<a href=" http://www.buffalos
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support groups
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apple
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I'LL GIVE YOU $100 IN FREE GAS
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See you at the site,
Brandon Zundel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.
Satisfaction he tried to proffer.
She replied, "I am sold,
But the floor is too cold."
So he made her a counter-offer.
____________
I once had a ladyfriend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.
____________
There's a fire at a circus. A man
Sees the flames and devises a plan.
The heat is in tents,
The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
(Kirk Miller)
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles a day. One day, he looked in the mirror and
noticed he was tan all over except his "thingie." So he decided to
do
something about it. He went to the beach, completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his thingie; which he left
sticking out. Two old ladies were walking on the beach, one using a
cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up in the sand, she began
to
move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There is
no justice in the world." The other lady asked what she meant. She
said:
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach, and
I'm too old to squat!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When
the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to
have sex.
Not amused, she slammed the door.
Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again,
she slammed the door and screamed, "Get the hell away!"
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay
home the following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with
his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if
she knew how to have sex she said, "Yes!"
The man replied, "Great! Give some to your husband the next time you
see him, and tell him to keep the hell away from my wife!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1409
Smoothing Over Battle Wounds
BJ: Come here Katie.
Katie limps over to BJ.
BJ: Come here Rudy.
Rudy crawls over to BJ.
BJ: I want you two to make up and be friends again.
Mumble grumble.
BJ: That is not a request.
Rudy: Okay, I forgive you for being a mean sister Katie.
Katie: I forgive you for being a pompous fool Rudy.
BJ: That is not what I expect. Try again.
Katie: Forgive me Rudy.
Rudy: For what?
Katie: For not knocking your block off.
BJ: Try again...
Katie: Okay ... Forgive me for hitting you and calling you names.
Rudy: You called me names?
Katie: Yes, and I am sorry.
Rudy: Okay, I forgive you.
BJ: Your turn Rudy.
Rudy: Do I have to?
BJ: Yes.
Rudy: Forgive me Katie for hitting you and calling you names.
Katie: I did not know you called me names.
Rudy shuffling his feet,,,: When you were knocked out I did, but I am
sorry.
BJ: Shake paws.
Shake shake.
BJ: Is everything really okay between you two?
Katie and Rudy look at each other....
Yeah!
Rudy: Let's grab a brew and watch a game.
Katie: Yeah, it was silly of us!
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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