Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A little more on Navy Coffee from Herd member Donald Grantham
Hi Buffalo,
Two true bits about coffee, Navy coffee). Way back when one of my
first assignment was when the Chief's told me as I was the new man
on the crew My job was to make the coffee. right off a Georgia farm
I had no idea how to make coffee, and told them as much. My family
was so poor we could not afford coffee thus I had never had a cup
and no idea what it taste like. They said don't worry I could learn.
I also had the job of rinsing out with fresh water everyone's cup,
no one ever said not to scrub it. Well in an effort to look good I
scrub them and got the most sever chewing out I every got in 23
years of service. I also thought it to be servitude to have to clean
all the division cups, about 80 cups. The first pot of coffee I made
would have cut paint, so strong. They said fill this basket with
grounds and fill the pot with water No one pointed out the basket
had marks for the fill line thus I filled the basket. A block of
instructions and a good chewing showed me how to fill the basket.
Then they said add some egg shells to the pot to take away the
bitter taste. I took a trip to the mess hall and retrieved a pound
ca of egg shells. You guessed it too many shells. The next day the
Chiefs came to me and said as I didn't drink coffee they had decided
it wasn't fair for me to have to make the coffee so I didn't have to
do that any more. Mission accomplished, but don't tell anyone.
Story two.
In the Med I was a Combat Photojournalist on the USS Independence.
Doing a story on the commodities used on the cruise I ask how much
of certain items was used for the average meal. No one thinks of
using 5000 pounds of meat, 400 pounds of salt or 300 pounds of
pepper for one. But then not many people feed 9000 people per meal.
One of the questions I asked was how much coffee in 8oz cups was
used on the cruise. The amount was such I went to the engineering
department and ask if they could figure how much liquid this would
be, would it be enough to float the ship. A few days later they came
back to me with the information this was not only enough liquid to
float this air craft carrier but enough to turn it around.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Hurricane Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following was taken from Thorn Shunt's list. Thanks for the
laffs, Papa !
mailto:Able2Laugh-subscrib
DRINK YOUR WAY THROUGH HURRICANE SEASON......
Here are a few new drink recipes to keep handy just in case the
worst
happens. GREAT RECIPES~~ Enjoy!
MANDATORY EVACUATION
1 1/2 oz. Absolute Ruby Red vodka
1/2 oz. vermouth
Clamato Prune juice
Combine vodka and vermouth in cocktail glass. Fill remainder of
glass
with equal parts Clamato and prune juice. Stir. Drink. Ask next-door
neighbor - whose ficus tree blew over and crashed onto your roof
even
though you'd warned him for months to uproot it - if you can use his
bathroom. Repeat.
============
CATEGORY 5
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. rum
1/2 oz. bourbon
1/2 oz. gin Sweet-and-sour mix
Splash of fruit juice
Combine vodka, tequila, rum, bourbon and gin in a tall glass. Fill
remainder of glass with sweet-and-sour mix and splash of juice.
Stir,
then garnish with an inverted drink umbrella. Drink during peak
storm hours, and vow not to believe anyone who tries to tell you the
hurricane that flooded your garage and destroyed your shed was just
a
Category 1.
============
CONE OF PROBABILITY
1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
1 sugar cone
Pour the schnapps into the sugar cone. Every time you hear a TV
weatherman say, 'cone of probability,
and down the shot.
============
FEEDER BAND
2 oz. Midori
2 oz. rum
1 scoop vanilla ice cream
After your home loses power, combine Midori and rum in a cocktail
glass. Add a scoop of the vanilla ice cream that is melting in your
freezer. Stir and drink through a straw.
============
BEACH EROSION
1 1/2 oz. Goldschlager
1 1/2 oz. apple brandy
1 pack Sugar in the Raw
Combine Goldschlager, apple brandy and sugar in cocktail glass. As
you drink, seriously contemplate moving your Yankee ass back to
New Jersey where it belongs.
============
DOWNED POWER LINE
1 1/2 oz. rum
5 oz. Jolt Cola
Combine ingredients in a cocktail glass. Drink while trying to
figure out how the heck you're supposed to go two freakin' weeks
without television and AC.
============
FLOOD ZONE
2 oz. Kahlua
2 oz. Baileys Irish cream
4 oz. rum
Serve in a 6-ounce glass and laugh-cry deliriously as the mess
spills all over the countertop.
============
COLD SHOWER
2 oz. Blue Aftershock
4 oz. Sprite
Combine in a cocktail glass with crushed ice you received after
waiting in line for three hours at a mall parking lot. Take a deep
breath, sip and scream like a little girl when the cold beverage
hits your tongue. Repeat.
============
LOOTERS WILL BE SHOT
1 oz. Jack Daniel's
Splash of sarsparilla
Rock salt
Load both barrels of a shotgun with rock salt. Climb to the roof of
your house with gun, bottle of Jack Daniel's and can of sarsparilla.
Fill shot glass with Jack and splash of sarsparilla. Watch for
looters. When you spot one, blast his ass with rock salt. Drink
shot. Repeat.
============
THE CHAIN SAW
1 oz. Goldschlager
1 oz. Rumplemintz
3 oz. Jim Beam
Splash of vermouth
Combine Goldschlager, Rumplemintz and Jim Beam in an empty soup can.
Add splash of vermouth. Drink. Remove chain saw from garage and
attempt to cut up fallen tree limbs in yard. Ask neighbor to drive
you to hospital when it all goes horribly wrong.
============
FOUR-WAY STOP
1 1/2 oz. vodka
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Midori
1 1/2 oz. vodka and Galliano
1 1/2 oz. vodka and grenadine
Pour each ingredient into a separate shot glass. Serve one to
yourself and three other people. The person with the clear shot of
vodka drinks first. The person to his right drinks the Midori shot,
and so on. If somebody drinks out of order, develop a quick case of
road rage and beat the living crap out of him.
============
BLUE TARP
1 1/2 oz. Curacao
2 oz. pineapple juice Splash of lime
Combine ingredients in a leaky paper cup and serve. Wait six to
eight months for someone to repair the cup. If you're impatient,
hire an unlicensed, out-of-state contractor to do the job for an
exorbitant sum and pray he doesn't hurt himself in the process.
Patricia
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jewish Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful
young woman at the other end of the bar.
"Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it
on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile.
A moment later he's at her side.
"That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with
you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm
a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a
hundred dollars. Now, if that's not what you had in mind, I
certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and
I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but
sure, let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering.
There's something about you that makes me think you might be
Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both
Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay,
twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not
making any profit!"
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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A. There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.
A woman had started a new job collecting the sperm from turkeys to
use for artificial insemination. One day, as she went up to one
turkey, it went "Gobble, gobble."
She replied, "Quite down! You'll settle for a hand job like the
rest!"
A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in
crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the
evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He
announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not
going to marry you!"
He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but
his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's
okay. I won't tell you who the father is!"
The FDA is warning Americans not to order "Mafia Acupuncture Kits"
from Italy. Seems they're ice picks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Farm Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting hammered. A man came in and asked the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some
things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man
asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by
my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over
the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to
the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back
down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked
over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied,
"Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did
you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg
this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow
knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope,
so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in . . . Some things you just can't explain."
Randy
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple was going at it in a barn down on the farm. I the process,
the condom slipped off. The guy pokes around inside her with a straw
and manages to lose that too.
Nine months later the doctor enters the waiting room where the
father
asks him what the baby is.
Doctor replies, "It's a little bastard dressed in a raincoat and a
straw hat."
A man was being sued for divorce on the grounds of infidelity.
Appearing
before a London divorce court, he was asked to explain what he and
his
alleged lover were doing in the bedroom in the dark.
"Playing snooker," he said.
The judge then asked him about the passionate noises the wife heard
coming from the bedroom. The man was unfazed.
"Those noises were completely innocent," he assured the court. "They
were actually an expression of surprise or disappointment made when
playing a difficult shot."
"But why was the woman nude?" the court asked.
Still unfazed, the man said, "Well she was doing some sewing and
altering her slacks."
The divorce was granted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men's Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING
Kissing/Light Petting:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless
before
your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!
Undressing:
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of
that!"
Foreplay/Oral Sex:
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he
cums,
I'm going to kill him."
Penetration:
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in
half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"
Your Orgasm:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for
this
performance.
(other
guy's name here), yes!"
Postcoital Bliss:
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels
like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend
Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
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Subscribers and Friends
Rain On The Windshield ViaSteven and Tammy
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He Is Coming Back
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To Remember Me
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Melva/Falling In Love
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife,
Myrtle was devastated.
A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven, Myrtle
anxiously looked for Joe.
Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could clearly see him with another
woman.
She ran towards him, calling his name: "Joe. Darling...Joe"
Joe said: "Hold your horses woman, and don't 'darling' me. The deal
was very clear"..."Until death do us part".
Have you anything to say or yourself," the judge said to the hard-
bitten defendant after hearing the case.
"Fuck all," muttered the defendant.
"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard
of hearing.
The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!'
your worship."
That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In, Out
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I met this fine lady on the Cape
Who had a wee bit to much grape
An thought sex might just be fine
Til she took the measure of mine
An was left with her mouth agape
I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!
There was a young dancer, Priscillla,
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
Including a stud armadilla.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is a little-known fact that in 1958 Mickey Mouse took Minnie
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wished to end the marriage.
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has been banging the other animated characters all over town.
She'll strip for any comic strip that comes along! She's been
Scrooged by McDuck, peckered by Woody and buggered by Bugs! You
want to know what's green and smells like a rat's crotch? The
answer is Kermit the Frog's face. I know because he's been hopping
my wife for years!
She's also been sitting on that nosy splinterhead Pinocchio's face
and you know what she says to him? 'Lie to me Pinocchio, lie! Now
tell the truth! Now lie to me! Now tell the truth!'"
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journal that Minnie kept over the years, and he read it all. The
title: "Diary of a Had Mousewife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fisherman's wife was sitting by a tent in a
clearing on the bank of a river when along came
the park ranger and said, "Excuse me ma'am but I
need to speak to your husband. Can you tell me
where he is?"
She replied, pointing to a clump of reeds. "Go
over there and look for the pole with a worm on
both ends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1420
Revenge
Katie is out of the trash and Robo 16 is walking around the lab..
Katie: Can you hear me Robo 16.
Robo 16: Yes I hear you.
Katie: What are you programmed for?
Robo 16: My purpose is to intake propellant and expel fumes.
Katie: Oh, like break wind?
Robo 16: I believe that is the term.
Katie: Okay, here is some Chili with beans have at. When you are
done, go upstairs and hang around Sandi and Rudy, okay?
Robo 16: I will do.
A few minutes later....
Sandi and Rudy are watching Lassie...
Sandi: This part always makes me tear up.
Rudy: My eyes are watering now, but it is not the movie. Can you
smell
that horrid smell?
Sandi: Holy Toledo...what is that?
Robo 16: Hello guys, it is I Robo Katie Number 16 at your service.
Rudy: I have an idea.. Robo Katie follow me outside...
Outside..
Rudy: Watch this Sandi.
Rudy gets a cigarette lighter and lights Robo 16's behind and like a
roman
candle... or perhaps a rocket... Robo 16 starts to shoot across the
yard.
Sandi: Stunning. I cannot bear to watch
Smash!!! Crash! Thud!!
Katie: My robot, you broke my robot!
Rudy: Better us than the EPA..
The Herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
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