Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
A little two parter from the archives to give my brain a rest.
Does everyone know what month September is? It's National Head Lice
Awareness Month. Over the past few weeks we have gotten little Johnny
or Mary settled into his beautiful classroom with well-groomed little
kids that look like the ads for Wal-mart or Penny's and everything is
cool. The children are doing great , you met the teacher at Open
House and she is remarkable and then a note comes home addressed from
the school. First thought is," What are they accusing my little
sweetheart of doing?" Second thought as you open the envelope is more
realistic, like, " I hope Johnny didn't try telling dirty jokes that
he got from that buffalo like he did in homeroom last year." Then you
are floored. The note is from the principal or school nurse and one
of your children's classmates is infected with head lice and the
whole class is probably infected from playing together. Included in
the envelope is an instruction pamphlet modeled after one they use in
the State Prisons that is 100% effective. Next thought that enters
your mind is, "I hugged the children this morning.", and your scalp
begins to itch from the suggestion and pretty soon you have both
hands in your hair digging as imaginary bugs bore holes through your
scalp. This is awful long so you will have to wait till tomorrow for
the rest of the story. Enjoy the chips...buffalo heh heh .
I want to thank all that visited our site last month. We had 400,000
page views which reminds me of when things were exciting a few
years back. We owe a lot of thanks to Nancy's youngest, Joe who
builds our pages out of the goodness of his heart or out of fear
of being grounded till he is 25. Good Job Joe.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fidel Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells
him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how,
does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left
his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll
send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.
St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally one comes up with the idea that they
should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one
angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more
than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Ted
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Things You Can Do With a Useless Man
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blind Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the
other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the
Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got
dogs
with
us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a
pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door
said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a
Chihuahua
was
a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the
heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave
me a Chihuahua?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At work, our manager was trying to demonstrate a project on his
computer to four women in our provider relations department. He was
having problems with the computer, so the ladies went back to their
office until he could get the program pulled up. I was not aware of
any of this, so I was a little shocked when I walked in the office
door, and heard one of the ladies shouting down the hallway, "Hurry
up
girls and get in here, Al finally got it up!"
One mortician calls the other in to look at newly arrived
body. "Hey,
Joe! You've got to see this shit.", says Chester . "You know that
good
looking blonde they just brought in… well she has a shrimp stuck up
her cunt" "This I've got to see." responds Joe. After examining
the
body Joe says, "That's not a shrimp Chester." "It's not? Well what
the hell is it?" asks Chester. "It's her clit." says Joe. To which
Chester replies, "Well it sure tastes like shrimp."
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head,
fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet
and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried
downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast
on
the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so
fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!" "Oh my god," his wife
gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over early and had
complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for a
while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I
can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The
mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen
years, and I wasn't about to start now!"
Stan Kegel
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Grounded Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get
away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this
partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives
me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast- talk my way out of
potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she
very nearly got me fired.
Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied
me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never
before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering)
it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.
We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why
the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it
is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked.
"At the moment," I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely
failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from
her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she
can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and
locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench (
where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to
her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.
"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!"
voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!" "You'll think
of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you
always do". "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I
countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a
whole day without visiting the bathroom" "But....," I tried to
say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye"
She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in
panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who
might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my
girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But
I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I
checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this
ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half
hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I
could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of
them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and
asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I
would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest
idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and
after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a
collar), settled down to work in silence.
After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make
it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a
handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working.
Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts,
for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not
just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was
the guy who took Lifespring
*and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the
power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The
Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.
His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw
the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I
thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this.
Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption
of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me,
his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was
standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going
to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work,
acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my
predicament.
Finally, he spoke.
"What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I
didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even
more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on
the spot.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete
confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what
it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.
"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.
The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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School Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
10 Reasons Why Sex Is Better Than School
1. Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins
and only because they haven't had sex yet.
2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just sucks.
3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you feel
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4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.
5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to
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6. Sex relieves stress, school is the cause of stress.
7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.
8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.
9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a
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10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have sex.
At school your teachers screw you regardless.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Gunfighter Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young cowboy entering a saloon recognized an elderly man standing
at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being one of the
fastest guns in the West. He moved next to the old-timer, bought him
a drink and told him the story of his ambition to be the fastest gun.
' Do you think you could give me some tips? '
The old man looked him up and down and said ' Well, for one thing,
you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down
on your leg. '
Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' Sure will."
He did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow
tie off the piano player.
' That's terrific! Got any more tips for me? '
' Yep, cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.
That ' ll give you a smoother draw ' .
' Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' You bet it will, ' said the old-timer.
He took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
' Wow! I'm learning ' something here. Got any more tips? '
The old man pointed to a corner of the saloon. ' See that axle grease
over there? Coat your gun with it. '
He went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel
of his gun.
' No, I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all. '
' Will that make me a better gunfighter? '
' No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's going to
shove that gun up your ass, and it'll go in a whole bunch easier.'
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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Card Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
More Hallmark cards you won't see....but would probably sell.
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas...
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in hell 'til I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I
can't help but wonder...
INSIDE: What the hell was I thinking!
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.
OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always
said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time
you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you...
INSIDE: It's almost like you're here.
OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sailor, Ashore In Peru
Said ''Senora, Quanto Por La Screw?''
''For Only One Peso
I Will, If You Say So,
Be Buggered And Nibble It Too.''
There once was a girl they called Trish
Who was quite a delectable dish
Men savored her lips
Then brought bags of chips
For her pussy smelt strongly of fish
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Give it here!"
"NO. It's MINE!"
"I said, let me have it!"
"NO! It's MY turn!"
"C'mon! Give it to me!"
"NO WAY!"
(Siamese twins jacking off)
Randy
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kitty Stutter
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human
Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler
ate him!
The teacher wet her pants laughing.
Craig
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1411
Kisses for You
Interviewer: Tell about "Kisses for You"
BJ: You do not have it quite right... It is Kisses, a slight pause,
for You.
"Kisses, for You."
Interviewer: Okay, tell me about it, the history.
BJ: It started with Ginger, the puppy who is no longer with us.
She was a marvelous spirit, a very loving doggie. She would come up
to me and sit and look at me in bed and then one night I said "What
you want to do give kisses for me? Then she started giving me kisses
and her tail was wagging and it was wonderful. It was the beginning
of "Kisses, for You." I could just say the words and here came a
torrent of kisses and love from this sweet animal.
Interviewer: How wonderful.
BJ: Yes...and when she passed on... it was difficult around the
house.
A void for all of us, the other dog mourned as Diana and I did.
Interviewer: And...?
BJ: Sandi came up to me in the bed one day and sat there like Ginger
did
and looked at me the same way. I said, "Kisses for You." and here
they
came. It was her way of keeping the spirit of Ginger alive. Rudy
jumped
on the bed and followed suit as did Katie. Giving me kisses. It has
become
a ritual for our whole family to get "Kisses for You."
Interviewer: How does it feel?
BJ: How does it feel? It feels wonderful. I feel like Ginger is
here. Rudy,
Sandi, Katie pass it on because it was started by Ginger. It feels
alive.
Interviewer: Do you have anything else to say?
BJ: To Ginger,,,, Kisses to you.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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