Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Buffy is a house guest at the moment. There is a really nasty cold
that everyone seems to be getting that is accompanied by a sore
throat and almost flu like body aches, well Buffy has it. That means
that in addition to watching Eva, Sandy is now playing nurse to
Buffy. I suspect Sandy will have it next and then Buffy will run
back
home. Oh well that's the way life is, I guess they are your children
forever.
I had another blood test/ Doctor appointment today and it is
beginning
to get a little monotonous, this once a week thing. There is one
thing that
I really appreciate about our hospital and that is Valet Parking. I
don't use
it if I can find a spot in the hospital lot but the secondary
parking is a
parking garage about a block away. Normally I would be a bit
embarrassed
to ask someone to park my car let alone a Yooper car that has more
rust than body but these people are so friendly I never thought
twice about it.
They even locked the car which is something that probably hasn't
been
done since the car was new. Who is going to steal a 1994 Sunbird,
even
if it does get good gas mileage? I do really appreciate what they do
though
because the nerve damage in my back and loss of feeling in my feet
makes it harder to walk even short distances when I never used to
even
worry about walking even 10 miles not that many years ago.
I am upset that the banking bailout bill didn't pass the house
today. It
wasn't the best possible to either side and didn't change the
regulations
that allowed it to happen in the first place but you have to put the
fire
out and worry about installing a sprinkler system after you make
sure
you have a building left. There is too much to be lost through
inaction
all the way from jobs unable to meet payroll to possibly the
collapse of
the Social Security System. The price of gas dropped today as people
shied away from the commodities market but if this causes a
devaluation
of the dollar how long will it take till the Saudis are getting 200
for a
barrel of oil. How much is your 300,000 dollar home going to be
worth
when the house next door was bought up in a fire sale for 20 cents
on
the dollar and they can afford to sell it for 150,000 at a 150%
profit.
It is all pretty dismal and there is plenty of blame to go around
but please
somebody fix it.
Enjoy The Chips
buffalo
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Married Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone.
The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what
seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing.
The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be
on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The
counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her
crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and
considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be
the problem?"
The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that
are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in
public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of
the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore
I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do!
He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge
in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during
your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw
up!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Orator Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Orators of the Democratic Party
. "One man with courage makes a majority."
--attributed to Andrew Jackson
. "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
--Franklin D. Roosevelt
. "The buck stops here."
--Harry S. Truman
. "Ask not what your country can do for you;
ask what you can do for your country."
--John F. Kennedy
... and for todays democrates ...
"It depends what your defination of "IS' 'IS""..?
-Bill Clinton
"That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off."
-Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ... I believe in the sancity of marriage."
-John Edwards
"I invented the Internet"
-Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious,
I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ***."
- Joe Biden
"America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what
it was once was .. uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want
that future,uh uh for my children.' '"
-Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states.
-Barack Obama
"You don't need God anymore, you have us democrates."
- Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one
is more faithful, true, and honest than he."
- Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)
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London Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
London Underground Driver Announcements.
Those of you who suffer the underground (subway) will find this a
laugh, it's a list of actual announcements that Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers.
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow
from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course,
you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want
to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions.
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl 'step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentlemen...
provided'.
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw
yourself or your bags into the doors."
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are
smoking a joint it is only fair that you pass it round the rest
of the carriage".
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news
is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a
great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably
won't reach our destination.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck
here for the foreseable future, so let's take our minds off it
and pass some time together. All together now.... Ten green
bottles, hanging on a wall...."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually
told me, so I could tell you, but no, they don't think about
things like that"
"This is a customer announcement, please note that the big slidy
things are the doors, the big slidy things are the doors".
"Apparently, this train is no longer terminating at Barking, but
is infact, terminating here. I'm sorry about this but I too was
under the impression that this train was going to Barking, but
'they' have other ideas. I mean, why tell me - I'm merely the
driver..."
'We can't move off because some c*** has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door' 'let the passengers off the train FIRST!'
He gave up...
'Go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care,
I'm going home.' Cue uproarious laughter from the whole station.
"to the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't
you understand."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Nun Chips
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An American tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla that had a stop
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Feeling the urge to pee, he looked around for some privacy. He
hid behind a bush and took a leak on the wall of the chapel.
While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior came around
the corner and surprised him.
"OH! I am soooo sorry!" he said in embarrassment.
"It's OK," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's... You
know. Could I take a closer look?"
A nun asking to see his unit freaked out the tourist but it was
kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell.
The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away
she said,
"You know, I always wanted to touch one. Would you mind...?"
"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really
excited. Who else could say that a nun had tossed you off?
"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete
experience?" the nun requested.
The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took
down his pants.
The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,
and said...
"Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE)
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Language Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that
some individuals throughout the company have been
using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may
be easily offended, this type of language will be no
longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with
co-workers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and
information can continue in an effective manner
without risk of offending our more sensitive
employees.
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?
TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.
TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
> > > TRY SAYING:
> He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Fart Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When It's Okay To Fart In Public:
~^~ In your boss' office as you are turning to leave. Tip- Make
sure
it's a silent one.
~^~ In a bathroom.
~^~ In a cashier's line - it might help to speed up things.
~^~ In an empty elevator before you get off.
~^~ Next to an occupied changing room - it may quickly become
unoccupied.
~^~ In someone else's unoccupied cubicle at work.
~^~ While parachuting.
~^~ While scuba diving.
~^~ In the back seat of a patrol car if you are arrested.
~^~ During interrogation if you're the one being interrogated.
~^~ In your car if you've been carjacked.
~^~ In the changing room when you're sure someone else is waiting
his/her turn.
~^~ In your car once you've been pulled over… the cop may let you go
quicker.
~^~ During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
~^~ While walking down a crowded hallway. Nobody will know whom to
blame.
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Prostate Exam
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Osama Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The list of top 10 'famous last words' by Bin Laden
10. "Say Omar, is that a vulture in the sky or is that a B-2?"
9. "Okay men we have spotted some navy seals just over the ridge,
let's show them how arabs fight."
8. "It is perfectly safe to hid here in these caves with the
missles, ammo and petro. The americans have nothing that can
penetrate this cave."
7. "Omar I am tired of hiding in this cave I will just stick my head
out for a minute to see if the coast is clear."
6. "Simple Rasheed, I will simply bribe the american devils with my
money and they will not kill us."
5. "Americans are soft, if we surrender, they must send us to
america for a trial."
4. "It was nice of the americans to drop food to us. I wonder why we
have these t-shirts with the target on them."
3. "Hey american pig, I double dare you to drop that nuke."
2. "I will go and check and see what that wop wop wop noise is
outside."
and the number one famous last words:
1. "What do you mean Omar by saying I have a red lazer dot on my
forehead?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Farmplay
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Billy Was Warned
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Blown
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Cancel My Date
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from Australia,
Who had extra-large genitalia.
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Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya."
There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a meeting last week of the Executive Council of an organization
to which
I belong, several of the members began a bickering before the start
of the
meeting. They were talking and complaining about several of the
members not
discussing various information needed by all members and retaining
silence
about a variety of important factors.
One of the members, a woman, spoke in a somewhat authoritative voice
and
said, "I agree with all that has been said and I think that everyone
would
be more observant about the needs and interests of the remainder of
the
Council Anyone of you can ask me any question and I will respond
telling you
the complete truth.
One of the men asks her, "What size bra do you wear?"
She glared at him momentarily and in a harshly toned voice said,
"Shut up!!!
That's none of your business!! I'll never tell!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into
the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and
the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a
vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny
male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen
dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the
heck are you waiting for?"
Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen
dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird,
closes the curtain.
Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the
curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage
with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her
feathers.
He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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-> how to actually get the money OUT of
the casino and keep what you earned...
-> and many other things...
Check it out right now:
http://buffaloschip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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