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Random Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two blondes bought a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a
try. After a long while, one blonde said to the other, "Well, we'll
throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll just
shoot the son of a bitch!"
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do you know if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a check book.
This young couple had only been married for one night when the
blonde bride went to the doctor to say, "This is my first day of
marriage, and there is something that bothers me."
Doctor: "What is it?"
Blonde Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick touch my kidneys."
Doctor: "Just send in your groom, and I will cut a couple of inches
off and hopefully it will not reach your kidneys." Blonde Bride:
"No, I want you to remove my kidneys instead."
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip
cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some
place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few
hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and
called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't
reach home in the evening and not the next day either. When she
finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and
asked her "What Happened?" She got out, obviously very tired from a
long journey, and said, "Oy, ye these car designers, these people
are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for
going back!"
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in her ear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indian Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American Indian Chief calls his three sons into
his tepee. He announces that he has decided on
names for them all as they are all coming of age
and have passed the required tests. The Chief sits
his sons down with the elders of the tribe and
passes the peace pipe around.
'Son number one - you shall be known as......'
Number three son interrupts 'Father, Father what
will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my
son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number one - you shall
be known as Eagle'
Son number one asks why.
'As you will be strong and precise in battle -
fearing no others - the elders agree.'
The peace pipe is passed to son number two.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what
will I be called?'
Chief replies, 'I will come to you in turn my son.'
The chief continues, 'Son number Two - you shall
be known as Swallow.'
Son number two asks why.
Number three son interrupts, 'Father, Father what
will I be called?'
The chief replies, 'I will come to in turn my son.'
The chief continues talking to son number two.
'Because you will be swift and silent - surprising
your enemy in battle - the elders agree.'
The chief turns to the third son. 'Son number Three
- you shall be known as Thrush.'
Son number three asks, 'Why Thrush?'
'Because my son you are an irritating cunt - the
elders agree'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Date Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY:
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Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test
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Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if
you're a good boy and pay attention.
That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think
that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my
past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.
You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged
for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a
female wrestler before?
Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.
I'm twelve!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Noise Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest
brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the
youngest got the bottom floor.
A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over
his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard
the following
sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the
noise they'd heard last night was.
He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room.
Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his
girlfriend the next night.
During that night, the two other brothers heard the following
sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.
The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last
night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran
across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."
Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his
girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following
sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his
room was.
So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room.
Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Priceless Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
While I was "flying" down the road (at 10 mph over the speed limit),
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other side lying in wait.
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patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
Clearly caught off guard, the cop stammered, "A what? A rectum
stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way
up to two fingers, then three, then four, then, with my whole hand
in, I work side to side until I can get both hands in. And then I
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"And just what the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" The cop
demanded.
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behind a bridge ...."
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The look on the cop's face: PRICELESS
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Period Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TOP 15 EUPHEMISMS FOR "GETTING YOUR PERIOD"
15. Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara
14. Trolling for Vampires
13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy
12. Saddling Old Rusty
11. Feelin' Menstru-riffic!
10. Clean-Up in Aisle One
9. Massacre at the Y
8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding
7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide
6. Panty Shields Up, Captain!
5. Taking Carrie to the Prom
4. Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band
3. Ordering l'Omelette Rouge
2. Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp
1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/He Hears Our Cries
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A Tree
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WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
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Parent Reflections
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Debbie's Email Sigs
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Cards
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Animal World
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Kitty Korner
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Movies
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Commercial Of The Year
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Yeah Right
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Your Side Of The family
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pee Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so
he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well,
it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat?" The man
replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green
foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man,
that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system,
you'll have to give them up!!" The guy says, "But how long for, I
mean I really like peas!" The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure
enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never
eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his
employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well,
ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years,
I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really,
I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first
marriage, so I gave it up!" The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I
haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming,
"Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gobbling
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See you in Hell
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First Time
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American Beauty
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back --
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
There once was a preacher's daughter
Who resented the pony he bought her
Till she found that it's dong
Was as hard and as long
As the prayers her father had taught her.
I make cherry preserves, quite a few,
And do a French dance step or two.
I put up my jams,
My skirt and my gams.
I can can and can cancan. Can you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A list of (alleged) actual announcements that London Tube train
drivers have made to their passengers..
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen
to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over
to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is
that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great
time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere
between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach
our destination.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass
some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging
on a wall.....'."
"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker
Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about
things like that."
"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars; if you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on
then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going
home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with
'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate
instructions.
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that
the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or
your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck
in the door."
"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move
ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal
message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of
the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf
clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up
your arse sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking
a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the
carriage."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over
at him and asks the questio n.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "SH*T."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1426
All in Dreams...
After filming the crew goes home exhausted and after a hearty supper
are soon asleep..
The dreams come..
Katie is in her mansion and is ringing for her butler: Where is that
man!
Butler: Yes ma'am.
Katie: Will you have the driver bring the Rolls around front
please, I must
be off to the studio.
Butler: Yes, ma'am.
Katie looks in the mirror: Oh age, I am getting old. How many
prime
movies are left in me,,,5, 10?
Butler: The driver is out front ma'am.
Katie: Thank you.
Later at the studio..
Manager: Katherine, how many movies have we made together?
Katie: Oh, I do not know, twenty or so.
Manager: Twenty-five to be exact. You were our top draw for so
long,
however, the last four movies have not paid off.
Katie: I believe the scripts were inferior.
Manager: Or the public is getting tired of you... We have decided
at World
Pictures to terminate our contract with you.
Katie: No, no, you can't do this to me.... The Oscars are in a few
months.
I need one more role..just one more to show my worth.
Manager: I am sorry, we have hired a cat to replace you.
Katie: A CAT!!! Oh heap indignity upon indignities! The shame of
it all.
Katie then wakes up in her bed next to BJ...breathing heavy..
Katie: It was just a dream....I am so happy... as she snuggles up
to her
father and goes to sleep.
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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