Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
I am glad this week is finally nearing an end. Things should have
been really quiet considering tenants finally moved into the place
upstairs. Advertising an apartment just prior to college starting up
here was attracting as many as 20 phone calls a day from 0700 to
2200. Eva is excited though, the new tenant has 4 children.
Thursday I was right on schedule to have everything done early
including a stop at the vampires for my monthly bloodletting and the
laundry room drain backed up from the washer running up stairs and a
flood of water ran across the bathroom floor and under the basement
door and down the basement stairs. The plumber was called and was
here in twenty minutes. We sat around for about an hour after the
drain got cleared telling stories and then I got back to work on the
lists when the phone line and my DSL went dead. ATT had decided
this was a good time to replace all of the cables in the
neighborhood. I guess their idea of warning people was to block off
the alleyway with several service vehicles and one of those
horizontal drills they use to lay cable with. After being down for
two hours I finally had phone service back and posted.
Friday morning I got up early and after dropping Buffy off at work
went to the doctor to exchange jokes and stories and to find out
what new drugs they want me to test this month. I got home and
Nancy's son was on the phone and wanted to know if I would go with
him for his road test 60 miles south of here. They are given at two
of the high schools in the area by the same two examiners
and it would be another week before they came up here. We were
supposed to take Nancy's Kia but one of the parking lamps was out so
we swapped for my mom's Buick and headed south. First thing we run
into is road construction, lots of it involving resurfacing and
bridge replacement. After doing the flagman thing and a detour we
finally found the High School in St. Ignace and waited for the
examiner. About then was when we discovered we didn't have the
registration for the Buick so Joe found one of his friends at the
school and borrowed his car for the road test. Joe came over and
told me
we had to go to a different parking lot for the test and I went to
move
my mom's car and Joe and the examiner drove off in separate vehicles
across town with me following. This struck me as a little strange as
Joe only had a learner's permit but what the heck. I watched as they
did the vehicle inspection and the parking tests and then Joe and
the examiner left for the driving test. I was sitting there one of
two
vehicles in this huge parking lot when a State Police Jeep Cherokee
pulled up and stops pointed at me about 15 feet away.
The vehicle was marked Commercial Vehicle Enforcement which
is the weigh master and even though I am heavy I didn't exceed the
capacity of a Buick so I had no idea what he was up to. He sat
there for twenty minutes, and even though you aren't doing anything
wrong that is long enough to make you feel really paranoid. You
wonder if maybe they are looking for a green Buick with an
overweight driver who just robbed the local donut shop and he's
waiting for back-up before they do the final scene from Bonnie and
Clyde on you. Then finally he just drove off. Joe came back a few
minutes later and
after dropping off the test vehicle we headed north for the
Secretary of State office. A few minutes later and Joe had his first
driver's license and I had about a half hour to get Buffy from work
and finally get started on my work again about 8 hours late.
I hope today is just a sleepy Saturday because I am going back to
bed for a few hours. Have a good weekend.. buffalo
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Drunk Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-
clerk, and one of them says: "Could you pleash give ush a bed with
two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.
"Whatever, whatever you shay."
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their
room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their
door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and
they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on
the bed closest to the door.
"Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to
rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone
in their bed.
"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.
"There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.
"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to
sleep in the beds!" says the first.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.
"ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."
"You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired
to fight any more."
"Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come and
share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Monkey Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they
rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2
weeks.
But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea
was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY
the idea had never been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull
the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a
monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to
pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for
another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away
and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first
scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
BBBAAANNNGGG!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the
second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile
away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who
was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist.
You should have seen that monkey trying to put that cork back in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary: Well, I've never known anyone so forward! This perfect
stranger just walked up to me at the party and asked, "How would you
like some mind-blowing, earth-shaking, window-shattering sex?"
Jill: I can't believe it!
Mary: Neither could I! When I told him, "No, thanks!" he just added,
"Well, would you mind lying down so that I could have some?"
~~
Mike picked up an attractive woman, named Linda,
who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town.
As they rode, he asked her what she did for
a living.
Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician."
"No way," Mike scoffed. 'Prove it."
So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "Poof"
Mike turned into a hotel.
~~
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his
way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge
of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance, and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the
night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and
hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of
course you're cold, you stupid, son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the
dirt off yourself!"
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Fifty Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fifty Ways To Love Your Beaver
(sung to the tune of "Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover.")
I was a virgin not much older than 16
I was as horny as a young girl's ever been
My friend said, "Please yourself ... it's safe and not obscene!"
There must be fifty ways to love your beaver.
Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di
Diddle the clam, Pam
Why not masturbate, Kate
And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire
You'll feel better everywhere!
Go stroke where you pee, Lee
And set yourself FREE!
She said "You know it hurts me so to see you in such need.
But you know now you don't have to deal with men and messy seed." I
said "I appreciate that ... and I'll follow your lead and use the
fifty ways."
She said, "Why don't you just take home this vibrator tonight And I
believe that when you try it you'll begin to see the light." And
when I felt it buzz, I realized she probably was right! There must
be fifty ways to love your beaver. Fifty ways to love your beaver.
Just finger the pie, Di
Diddle the clam, Pam
Why not masturbate, Kate
And listen to me
Touch yourself THERE, Claire
You'll feel better everywhere!
Go stroke where you pee, Lee
And set yourself FREE!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because of Hurricane Isabel last week, our store was jam-packed with
customers. One of our many Front-End managers in charge, Joann,
decided
to ask everybody if they needed any change so she wouldn't have to
keep
running back and forth to the desk. As she passed by my station she
asked, "You need any change?" I didn't, so I said "No thanks, Joann;
I'm full." Without missing a beat, she says, "Of what?".
============
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked
over
at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like
that?"
"Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those
people to do that??"
============
We were taking six children on a camping trip. I drove the lead car
with
our gear, and my husband followed in the station wagon. At a
tollbooth,
I realized that we hadn't divided the cash supply, and my husband
didn't
have any money. I paid a double toll, explaining to the woman
attendant,
"I'm paying for the car behind me. He has all those children and no
money."
Without cracking a smile, she replied, "Good! Keep him that way."
============
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Condom Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nike Condoms:
~ Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:
~ Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:
~ You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:
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Secret Condoms:
~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condom:
~ It does more, it costs less, it's that's simple.
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~ Like a rock.
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~ Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms:
~ Cause hey - you never know
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~ Who's next?
Subway condoms:
~ The way a sandwich should be.
Avis Condoms:
~ Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms:
~ Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:
~ Always the Real Thing
Maxwell House condoms:
~ Good to the last drop.
Lays Condoms:
~ Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms:
~ Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms:
~ We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms:
~ Reach out and touch someone.
America Online Condoms:
~ No wonder it's number one!
Bounty Condoms:
~ The quicker picker upper.
Microsoft Condoms:
~ Where do you want to go today?
Energizer Condoms:
~ It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom:
~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
Taco Bell Condoms:
~ Get some; make a run for the border.
MCI Condoms:
~ For friends and family
Doublemint Condoms:
~ Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Big Red condoms:
~ Make it last a little longer.
The Sears latex condom:
~ One coat is good for the entire winter.
Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Delta is ready when you are.
United Airlines Condoms travel pack:
~ Fly United.
The Star Trek Condom:
~ To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
Southwestern Airlines condoms:
~ Friends fly free
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
LynnLynn's Links
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Waterbed
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bear Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a bear ventured out into the woods to relieve himself, as
the proverb would predict. While he was going about his business, a
fluffy little bunny hopped up next to the burly bear and began to do
his duty.
Curious about all that soft fur, the bear asked, "Say Mr. bunny, do
you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The bunny replied, "Why no, not at all."
After hearing the bunny's answer, the bear said, "Hey, that's
great!!" Then the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his butt with
him.
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fred was always trying to score
But chicks wouldn't darken his door
A friend told him try again
Just don't go for a ten
Luck might change if you metaphor.
(Ken Pinkham)
____________
When a horse playing golfer named Trey
Goosed a girl in the rough one fine day
He found her, though willing,
Just barely fulfilling.
"I would rate her," said Trey, "a par lay."
____________
I feel I've been rooked, I confess,
Knights lonely and filled with distress;
And I feel put a pawn,
Held in check all day long --
I'm glad to get that off my chess.
Ross
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are
only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a
small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's
natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex,
all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was
doing. She felt having sex with Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad
that she killed herself. It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to
get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's
urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more
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immoral about what they were doing. So........they buried Debbie.
Karl
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a woman in New York City who had an appointment to visit
her
OB/GYN. After going through the usual required paperwork, she sat
down
in the waiting room. Soon, the doctor called her back into his
office.
"Good morning," he said, "and what can I do for you today?" "Doctor,
my period is 3 weeks overdue," she said anxiously. The doctor asked
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I'll
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as
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positive. "I thought you said you were not sexually active," said
the
doctor. "She replied, "I'm not. I just lie there." The doctor asked
her if she knew who the father of the child is, and she replied,
"No.
Who was it?" (Ross)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1413
Friday Night Lights
Diana: Guys you know what tonight is?
Rudy: It is the day Pops comes home and doesn't work tomorrow.
Diana: Right, but what else?
Sandi: We get to sleep in.
Diana: Right but what else?
Katie: We get to stay up and watch TV.
Diana: Not tonight.
Katie: Ack! Why not?
Diana: Tonight, it is the start of our local high school football
season!
Rudy: A-Roo!
Sandi: Woof! I need to find my team shirt.
Katie: Where are my pom poms from last year?
Diana: Yes, we need to be ready when dad gets home, then we will
all go to the game.
Rudy: A-roo!
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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