Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Hello everyone, I hope you are out of the way of destructive
weather and at least have a chance of having all of your
utilities back next week. A prayer is going out for those
in danger or dealing with hardships. It is cool and wet here but we
can live with that.
Yesterday I saw Eva out of the corner of my eye playing in
Sandy's room as Sandy was doing dishes. Sandy went in
to her room and started screaming. Eva had dumped a full
bottle of Hershey's Syrup on the floor and was soaked with
it. Buffy was here to take Sandy to the store and threw Eva
in the tub to clean up while she tried to get the chocolate out of
her clothes before it set. The carpeting is indoor/ outdoor stuff so
Sandy attacked it with a mop and threw the small
rugs into the washer.
We have a couple of yard sale mailing lists in the area and I
caught a cute ad on one the other day for a mattress set. Said they
were looking for something clean but it need not be comfortable
as it was for a visiting relative and they didn't want them to stay
to long.
I have spent all weekend running back and forth to the bathroom. I'm
not sick, the doctor put me on a second diuretic supposedly to lower
my potassium. I think he really just wants me to get more
exercise. Enjoy the chips..... buffalo
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Abby Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas , who has recently been
diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth
One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a
transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for
growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my
other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas . I have two
brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for
the murder of a teenage boy in 1994 My other brother is currently in
jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I
have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives
in Longview . She is a part time 'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance` and look
forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin
who supports Barack Obama for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Ghetto Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You Know You're A Ghetto
Christian If--
You lie on an application to get a job
and then get up and testify that
"God made a way out of no way"
You get mad at a visitor
and call them out
for sitting in YOUR seat.
You tell the preacher
to baptize you from the neck down
because you just got your hair did!
You take 2 hours
to get ready for church,
get there late, and leave early!
You open your Bible and you cough from
the dust that flies out.
Your wedding song is rap
'Secret Lovers'.
You do not lift your hand during worship
because your acrylic nail is broken.
The only time
you like to sing in the choir
is when they let you sing "your" song.
You do not donate
to the church because you say,
"the preacher might be crooked
and stealing the Lord's money,
so I ain't want to give it to him."
After you've done wrong
and someone has rebuked you,
you don't repent but you say,
"Well the Lord knows my heart."
If you have ever said,
"show me in the Bible
where it says,
"thou shall not smoke crack."
You overheard someone say,
"We got fed today at service"
and you asked if they served chicken.
Your favorite part of the
service is the benediction.
You buy "hot" merchandise
and testify the Lord blessed me
with a TV, jewelry, clothes, etc.
You just got finished
smoking on the outside of the church
and then try to lead a song,
get choked up,
holding your throat
and say to the congregation,
"The devil don't want me to sing this song."
Let others know
the signs of
a "ghetto" Christian.
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Gentile Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
All we ever hear are Jewish jokes, so here are some Gentile jokes:
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine
jacket. How much is it?" The salesman says: "It's $500." The Gentile
says, "OK, I'll take it."
~~~~~
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me
for dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I
can't make it." His mother says: "OK."
~~~~~
Two Gentiles meet on the street. The first one says, "You own your
own business, don't you? How's it going?" The other Gentile
says, "Just great! Thanks for asking!"
~~~~~
Two Gentile mothers meet on the street and start talking about
children. Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My son is a
construction worker!" Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride): "My
son is a truck driver!"
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Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is 'no'),
OK then, can we just practice?
Hi, I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without
mutual consent; and by the way, you have my consent.
Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
I am a magical being, take off your bra.
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels
NOW!
I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did
anyway.
My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
My name's [your name]That's so you know what to scream.
Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these
condoms in my pocket before they expire.
Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken
the ice, will you sleep with me?"
The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on
the floor.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread
the word.
What can I do to make you sleep with me?
What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed,
subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. Your face or
MINE!? Your place or mine? Tell you what? I'll flip a coin. Head at
my place, tail at yours. I'd like to get between your legs and eat my
way straight to your heart...
Nice legs, lets eat out.
Hey! Wanna play war? (replies)WHAT? (you)Yea, I lay on the ground and
you blow the fuck outta me!
Hi my name is(your name), did I mention I have a penis.
My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-
to-mouth?
Show me your pussy!
If I take off my clothes, will you fuck me?
If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you fuck me? (if she says no)
say Good, because mine is 8 inchs.
Oh my God! I think I love you! Now lay down!
Hey good lookin', whatcha got cookin'?
Nuthin could be finer than the taste of your vagina!
I'd rip out both my eyes just so you have more holes to screw me in
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AMA Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
AMA Advisory
12. Life is sexually transmitted.
11. Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.
10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich!
9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
8. Some people are like Slinkies..not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather
to skid in sideways, Champagne in one hand, strawberries in the
other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO
HOO - What a ride!
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Oreo Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Oreos Are Better Than Men
(compiled by little Keebler elves)
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
And the # 1 reason is....
1.The creamy white stuff tastes good.
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LynnLynn's Links
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Movies
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Singing Monkey
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Sir Edmund
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Smoke Inhalation
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Sneeze Aivastus
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Kidnap
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Kitchen Oil Fire
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Loafing
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Big Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks. After a while
the conversation started turning a little rude and crass. Soon the
women were getting louder and they were arguing about how wide their
snatches were. The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. All the people in the bar
were watching, hooting and hollering, throwing money. Five minutes
later the second woman got up, lifted her leg, grabbed a bowling ball
and slid it in. People were going ballistic. Finally the third women
very casually got up on the bar and asked for a quarter. She slid it
in..... and a jukebox starts playing...
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Toon Chips
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No screwing in public restrooms http://www.buffalos
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow of Harrow
Whose john was the size of a marrow.
He said to his tart,
"How's this for a start?
My balls are outside in a barrow." ____________
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
____________
There once was a man from Brighton
Who said to his girl, you're a tight 'n
She cried 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
There's plenty of room in the right one.
Ross
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay
in Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals
where he could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the
Jewish section of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had
clocks displayed in the window. The American tourist entered the
shop. Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full
beard.
TOURIST: Hello.
JEWISH MAN: Hello.
TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.
JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.
TOURIST: What's a Mohel?
JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.
TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! ...But why do you have all those
clocks in the window?! JEWISH MAN: So what would you want me to put
in my window?
Harveythefrogprince
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that
he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even
after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly
matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow
said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The
second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his
$80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow
revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and
apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to
you?" The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and
make adonation. And...if you want to bring your mother and father
along, I'll marry them."
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1415
Friday Night Lights (cont)
BJ: Five burgers with cheese please, one pepsi, and four waters.
Okay that will be twenty-six dollars.
BJ: Whew things are getting more and more expensive.
Back at the stadium...
BJ: Katie here is your burger, Rudy yours, Sandi yours, Diana yours
and
I have mine.
Sandi: Burp!
BJ: Yours is gone already!
Diana: Gee guys the game is still an hour away.
Sandi: Hungry.
Katie: It is time for me to go and warm up with the pom pom squad.
BJ: Okay see you later.
Diana: Katie is something else, I think we have the only dog in the
state who is on a pom-pom squad.
Rudy: Well I almost made the cheerleading team.
BJ: They still want you to run through the burning hoop don't they?
Rudy: I declined. The last time I tried that, I got some special
stuff on fire.
BJ snickering: Oh, I understand.
Diana: How about you Sandi?
Sandi: I thought about bringing my sleeping bag...
BJ: Good grief, eat and sleep.
Sandi: We do have an hour before the game, I could get some beauty
rest.
Diana: Oh look here come the pom-pom squad with Katie in the mix!
BJ: And a burning hoop!
Rudy: Okay, I will jump through it.
To be continued
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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