THE POSTMAN'S CORNER  If you're craving pizza, get your fill with $500 in FREE gift cards. Vote in our Domino's™ vs. Pizza Hut™ Survey to get started: http://www.thepostm  Congratulations! You have been chosen to receive a FREE $250 Red Lobster Gift Card! http://www.thepostm  No other paper towel absorbs more-but in this case, we'll let your free 60 Pack of Brawny™ Paper Towels speak for themselves http://www.thepostm  Try ECLIPSE Chewing Gum in one of 3 chilling flavors and experience an artic freshness like never before! If you love the BOLD breath-freshening power of ECLIPSE you'll love that you can get 12 FREE* PACKS of your favorite flavor delivered righ to your door http://www.thepostm I'll Always Be Your Friend! When the daylight's gone And you're on your own, And you need a friend, Just to be around... I'll be at your side, There's no need to worry, Together we'll survive, Through trouble and hurry. I'll be at your side, I won't let you down, I believe in you, I won't turn around! I will comfort you, I will take your hand, I will pull you through, I will understand. I'll Always Be Your Friend! We do hope you enjoy today's issue! Cordially Martin aka the postman THE COMICS an unarmed suspect http://www.thepostm the silent treatment http://www.thepostm mistaken identity http://www.thepostm beware of dog http://www.thepostm dinner is ready http://www.thepostm entertainment http://www.thepostm make up my mind the milkman http://www.thepostm  LETS GO TO THE MOVIES once a year http://www.thepostm get rid of your girlfriend http://www.thepostm I can't do this http://www.thepostm car broke down http://www.thepostm come on Ed wake up http://www.thepostm bought the wrong car http://www.thepostm camera prank http://www.thepostm  Little Johnny kept asking his mother about his father. Where was he? Little Johnny's mother finally told him, "Your father was hanged 8 years ago for killing some people." The next day at school the teacher asked what their father was noted for.The children responded, "He is a doctor, a priest, a teacher, etc." When it came to little Johnnie, the teacher hesitated but finally asked him what was his father noted for.Little Johnny, thought and then finally stood up and said, "My father was well hung!" ____________ This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the Plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only A little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but Unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting Toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to Her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you Know anything about gas stoves?" ___________ Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out. Marriage puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage is a rest period between romances. Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Don't marry for money, you can borrow it cheaper. ____________ "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. <Pichard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" <Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." <Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.> <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'? <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows Vista', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." <Pichard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" <Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows Vista' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." <Pichard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea." <Data> "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows Vista' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade SP1'." <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade SP1' to compensate for their increase." <Pichard> "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed." <Data> "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. <Riker> "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." <Geordi, excited> "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" <Pichard> "Data, what does your scanners show?" <Data> "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows Vista' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." <Pichard> "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality. <Riker> "Geordi whats the status on the Borg?" <Geordi> "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called 'Half Life 2'. <Pichard> "How much time will that buy us ?" <Data> "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." <Geordi> "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." <Pichard> "Identify." <Data> "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" <Over the speakers> "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" <Data> "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." <Pichard> "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" <Riker> "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" <Data> "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" <Riker and Pichard together horrified> "Lawyers !!" <Geordi> "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." <Data> "True, but apparently some must have survived." <Riker> "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." <Data> "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal." <Riker> "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" <Pichard> "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." ____________ Buffalo Bill Female Companionship http://www.buffalos Alien Men's Room http://able2laugh. Drink Up (smut alert) http://able2laugh. THAT'S ALL FOLKS Have a nice day FROM: Martin aka the postman |
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