[buffalos-adult-chips] Chips For Mon

 

Adult Adult

Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

Good Morning everyone and if you are reading this you probably
survived the weekend. Just talked to Martin the Postman on the
phone. He is holed up in Traverse City waiting for the rain to stop
so he can continue his road trip, hopefully North into buffalo
country.

The rain is reminding me of the Puget Sound area so I dug a story
up from the archives that you probably heard before but that's what
stories are for, to be told over and over again.

I know a little about Seattle's weather because I spent 15 month's
in Puget Sound. It is perhaps one of the most beautiful areas of
this country. In lass than a mornings drive you can
go from mountains , the oceans, rural living, and the bustle of
major cities like Seattle, Tacoma, and Portland or Vancouver
to the north. It was the perfect place for a sailor. The rents were
cheap, cost of living was low, and the people were friendly. My
paycheck lasted all month and I had money for concerts and to eat
and drink out in town whenever I was off.

After a few months there and realizing I needed some wheels I bought
a 1965 Austin-Healey Sprite from a buddy in the division and after
an overhaul had it to drive. What a great little car that would be
to have today. It had a 1098 cc motor and I think I drove it most of
the year on three tanks of gas. The one bad thing on it was the
convertible top. The plastic in it had become weathered and yellow
and I ordered a new top from JC Whitney along with seat covers,
carpets, and an engine rebuild kit for 110 dollars. I took the top
off and put the carpets and seat covers in and with the help of a
Master Chief got the engine rebuilt but that top was a challenge.
All of the hardware and ribs had to come off of the old one and then
it all had to be glued together. I soon found out why
an upholstery company charged 300.00 to change one.

In Washington it seemed as though it rained every day except during
July and August. Snow that year was only about a week long so I
managed to make it through with a tonneau cover for the Healey. I
would unbutton one side and even when it was freezing I had heat up
to armpits once the engine warmed up so I was comfortable. When I
had to open it up for passengers it got a little chilly though. It
was
disappointing when you would walk over to the car after it had been
raining for several days and find the cover weighted down with ten
gallons of water. It was bad enough the birds were using it to bathe
in and no matter how hard you tried you were going to end up with
water in your seat.

Maybe tomorrow I will tell you how the Sprite got me a visit from
NCIS.

buffalo

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Bear Chips
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Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by
himself. He
had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally
ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world
outside.

The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called
out
to them and asked them to stop.

Then he said to them "I am a magical frog and since you are the
first
two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three
wishes.
You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now."

The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in
this
forest to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

Then the rabbit said "I would like a helmet."

This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound
there was a helmet.

It was the bear's turn again "I would like for every bear in the
neighboring forest to be female."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."

Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask
for a
lot of money and then he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a
magical sound there was a motorcycle.

The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the
world to be female except for me."

A magical sound and it was done.

The rabbit then put on his helmet,started up the motorcycle, and
said,
"I wish the bear was gay" and took off like a bat out of hell.

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Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait

come together
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commercial
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cumming
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community picnic1
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complain1
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Celibrate Diversity
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Cell Phone
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Cell Phone In Car
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Quickie Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom &Dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
"quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him
out
on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too

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Little Johnny Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother
decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts.
She
said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money
to
just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a
letter to Jesus and pray for one instead.

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally
sat
down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a
new
bicycle. Your Friend, Little Johnny

Now Little Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he
was
(Brat). So, he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another
try.

Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours Truly, Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up
and
tried again.

Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I
have
a new bicycle? Signed, Little Johnny

Well, Little Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way
was
what his mother was really wanting. He crumpled up the letter threw
it
in the trash can and went wandered about; depressed because of the
way
he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He
finally
found himself in front of a Catholic Church.

Little Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing
what he should really do. Little Johnny finally got up and began to
walk
out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he
grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home hid it under
his
bed and wrote this letter.

Jesus, I've broken most of the Ten Commandments; shot spit wads in
school, tore up my sister's Barbie doll and lots more. I'm
desperate.
I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a
bike.
Signed, You know who.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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News Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walter, the hypocondriac,checked himself into the hospital for his
weekly physical and diagnostic examination. After a battery of fluid
tests, an alphabet of electronic scans, and several probings and
proddings, Walter was resting in his room.

The doctor came in, and said to Walter, " I have good news and bad
news, Walter. Which do you want to hear first?"

"I knew it. Give it to me straight. I can take it. I am dying, I
know
it. that's the bad news, right?"

"yes, Walter, you are dying. You have a very rare, but always fatal,
illness. It has no cure or even a treatment option. The pain will be
excrutiating, there is no pain medication that will work, and in a
week
or so of terrible suffering you will be gone."

"Huh??" was all Walter could say.

"I am sorry Walter, but there really is nothing we can do for you."

"Wait a minute, Doctor, didn't you say that you had good news as
well?"

"Oh right, I forgot -- I will be screwing your nurse tonight!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Penis Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had
written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class,
scanned
the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a
guilty
face
in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in
larger
letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard.
Again, she
looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none.
And so,
the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's
lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom
and
found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled
larger
than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to
be
greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled
on
the
blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Midget Chips
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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger
under his left giggleberry and told the Midget to turn his head and
cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right
man-
meatball, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical
scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left
side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles
still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What
did
you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots."

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Subscribers and Friends

Melva/The Heart Of Me
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)

Keyboard Cleaning In A Dishwasher
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Sassy Fonts
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Movie Clips

Foul Ball
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Fox Hat
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Fragrance
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French Anti Tank
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Friendly Dolphin
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Fox Thief
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Freak out. No Whopper
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Fred Astaire & Eleanor Powell
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Friends Come and Go
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Religious Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses:

1.Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

2.Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see
how long their spirit of charity lasts.

3.Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by
that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can
have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to
get flustered and leave.

4.Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the
"Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly.
You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid
of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

5.Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...
and don't come back.

6.Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls.
(booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if
they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for
the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

7.Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus,
heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If
they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very
even tones, and giggle again.

8.Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9.(males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil.
Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress,
the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...]
throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7)
If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they
would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

10.Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Toon Chips
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Adams Thing
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Address the ball
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Mailing List
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Adidass
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Adopted
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Adoption
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Slap Chop - Dice, Chop & Mince in Seconds

Slap Chop makes chopping up vegetables, nuts and fruits quick and
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hunting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to his
favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger
over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out.

The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack. He repeats this
unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of
rabbits.

Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

"Easy,"says the priest."Put your finger on your wife's pussy
and then hold it over a rabbit hole.They can't resist the smell, so
when they come out,grab them."

Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the
floor.He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed.

Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father!
Rabbit hunting again?""

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Safely Talk and Drive at the Same Time

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Parting Chips
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A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered
home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was
madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night....

He said, "I have been bird watching!"

She said, "Bull sh*t! What kind of bird is out at this time of night
for you to watch??"

He said, "A double breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day this guy with one eye wearing a patch buys a parrot. He
takes
the parrot home in his cage and the first thing the parrot says is
"Fuck
you, you one eyed fucker." The guy takes the parrot out of his cage
and
puts him in the fridge for 5 minutes to cool him off. He puts the
parrot
back in the cage and the parrot says, "Fuck you, you one eyed
fucker."
The guy gets pretty angry and puts the parrot in the fridge for half
hour. When he finally takes the parrot out and puts him in his cage,
the
parrot says, "Ffuck you, yyou one eyed ffucker." The guy is mad as
hell!
He takes the parrot and puts him in the deep freezer, over night.
When
the guy gets up in the morning, he goes to the freezer and opens it.
The
parrot is frozen stiff. But he has one wing over one eye and the
other
wing flipping him the finger (feather)!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1658

Erin

Erin is Diana's daughter and she was going to stay with Diana for a
week to assist with care while Diana recovered from her back
surgery.
Well I phoned her and told her she did not need to come up from the
Dallas area after all. Erin wanted to come anyway, she missed her
mommy. Her family is sweet. Her husband is USAF. Erin has three
children and has back problems herself that forced her out of the
USAF.
So she arrived last night for a few day visit, just her and this is
the first
time since Diana and I have been married that Erin has done this.

A little more history. Sandi, my shadow, for whatever reason has
attached herself to Erin's family when they visit...so on with the
story.

BJ come home and after supper lets the dogs out. When they come
in, Rudy goes downstairs, but Sandi and Katie go upstairs.

BJ goes upstairs to see where Sandi and Katie have gone.

In Diana's bed, BJ sees...

Erin and to her left sitting up and grinning and receiving some
serious
love, Sandi.

Next to Sandi...

Diana

next to Diana and receiving some serious love, Katie...

BJ's girls have deserted him.

BJ gets the camera and takes some photos..

BJ: Smile!

Katie and Sandi are already grinning.

Flash!

Flash!

Flash!

BJ: I will leave my dogs here and go with Rudy downstairs. I guess
it is the girls upstairs and the guys downstairs.

Katie: Yes father, us girls are going to have a pajama party.

The herd in Guthrie

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adult Adult Adult

Remember 9/11/01

Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list

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