Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Well it looks like our four days of summer is over and the near
future is filled with 60 and 70 degree weather. My diet however
is not doing so good with all the warm weather. Where normally
it would be to hot to cook inside and we would have salads or
sandwiches instead and you consume more water because of
the heat leaving less room for food. With the temperatures
dropping into the fifties after the sun goes down it is too easy to
cook a large meal which is consumed at ten at night, definitely
not the best time for the biggest meal of the day and you go to
bed feeling bloated.
Another strange thing going on this summer is that the menus are out
of control. I don't know if this is because of everything that has
been
going on or because old age is catching up with our minds but Sandy
and I will plan a meal a day ahead of time. We take meat out to be
thawed and Sandy will pull canned goods out to go along with it
and we will talk about it several times and when it hits the table
it is something totally different. For example what was supposed to
be barbecued chicken and potato salad is replaced by tuna noodle
casserole, the original recipe forgotten totally. Sometimes it is
all my
fault like last night. Sandy had chicken to be cooked and leftover
baked
beans to go with it. I had to mention the fact that we hadn't had a
chili
cheese corn dog casserole lately. Sandy whipped up a batch of chili
and threw the baked beans in it which gave it a sweet smoky flavor
behind the heat and then today it will be the base for a casserole.
I
guess the question is when will the chicken get eaten.
Keep Nancy in your thoughts, she had her kidney biopsy this morning.
Enjoy the chips and the summer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Nun Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a
local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun
holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a
long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about
how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it
was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end
of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad
person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I
provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local
service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities.
Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the
occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point
my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such
a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never
touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from
a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the
glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's
out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in
the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must
admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about
this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you
mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He
went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the
rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said,
"Is that fucking nun out there again!"
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Drink Chips
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Three 7 year old girls were walking down the street wearing their
mothers' clothing; large hats, high heels, and long dresses. They
passed a bar and one of the girls said, "let's go in for a drink."
They went in and crawled up onto the bar stools. The bartender
laughed and thought he would have some fun. He spoke to the first
little girl and said, "What will you have young lady?" The girl
replied, "I'll have a Martini." The bartender could not give them
any liquor so he filled up a martini glass with 7-UP, placed an
olive in it and put it in front of her. He said to the second girl,
"What will you have today?" She replied, "A Manhattan." The
bartender then filled a Manhattan glass with Ginger- Ale, put in a
cherry in it, and set it in front of her. Next he asked the third
little girl, "What will you have today?" After a long pause she
replied, "I'll have a douche. Mother says they're so refreshing."
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Vet Chips
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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which
they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.
At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?"
asked an elderly lady's voice.
"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"
"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of
cats
on
the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to
sleep.
What can I do about it?"
There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently
replied
"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"
"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?"
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
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Dwarf Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Questions for Snow White and the 7 Dwarves
1. If Doc is a doctor, why couldn't
he cure Sneezy?
2. Doc, a doctor or not, why didn't
Sneezy go buy some Allerest?
3. Should we call Happy, "You're OK"
and Grumpy, "You're not OK"?
4. If the dwarfs were diamond miners,
why did they live in a shack?
5. Could the Dwarfs beat the Keebler
Elves in a basketball game?
6. Why did the Dwarfs wear condoms
on their heads?
7. If Doc is a doctor, why couldn't he
cure Sleepy's narcolepsy?
8. What if one of the Dwarfs was really
a bewitched prince who awakened
Snow White.
9. What was he doing kissing the sleeping
Snow White?
(not that there is anything wrong with that.)
10. Would the kiss have changed the prince/
dwarf into a frog?
11. Would a lawsuit be filed accusing said
prince/dwarf/
12. Should there be a Starrgate investigation
of the prince/dwarf/
13. Were The Brothers Grimm and Disney
guilty of obstruction of justice?
Please send your solutions to the nearest
convening authority!
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Job Chips
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One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few
beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both
doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How
about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just
be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.
So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in
the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the
operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes
in
the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man
says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up
before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman.
"You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"
"Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and
I didn't feel a thing."
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Payback Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
What little boys will do, its called Pay Back.
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking
down the sidewalk, dragging a flattened frog on a
string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute,
and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy
and asked what he wanted
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women
inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not
leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come
in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the
girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no! ! .
He said, "I heard all the men talking a bout having to
get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S
the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the
money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the
first room on the right. He headed down the hall,
dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the
frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did
you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get
home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After
they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute
little boys. She will then get the disease that I just
caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will
take the baby-sitter home. On t he way, he' ll jump
the baby-sitter'
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the
baby-sitter'
sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when
Dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom, and catch the
disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran
over my FROG."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple had a wild passionate session one Saturday morning
before breakfast. They were really into it, even performing oral sex
on each other. I'm still trying to understand just why the husband
went ballistic when his wife wanted to use his toothbrush after
breakfast.
Do you remember when Drive-ins had young chicks on roller skates who
wheeled up to your car window to take your order? Back in '55 I
pulled
in to one those and when the little lady came to my window to ask
for
my order I said, "I want a sheepherder sandwich." She said, "That's
not on the menu, what is it?" Confidently I replied, "A piece of
ewe."
The bitch slapped me.
Recession Tip: An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps
makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Stan Kegel
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Toon Chips
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young exhibitionist named Kay,
Having tossed all her panties away,
Has invited us lads
(Via newspaper ads)
To a pubic performance today.
A young English lass named Tess
Had herself in a terrible mess
She offered a fuck
For a fresh U.S. buck
But found out she was worth even less.
To music I must have been born,
'Cause, man, I love blowing a horn!
While cornets get cornier
Horns make me hornier
My mouth's full-time pursed, I must warn.
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus
in Jerusalem.
The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time
is it?"
The old Jew doesn't answer.
"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again,
"what time is it?"
The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't
answer.
The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for
interrupting you all the time, but I really
want to know what time it is. Why won't you
answer me?"
The old Jew turns toward the young man and says,
"Son, the next stop is the last on this route.
I don't know you, so you must be a stranger to
this land. If I answer you now, according to
Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my
home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful
daughter. You would fall in love with her and
you'd want to get married. And tell me, why
would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford
a fucking watch?"
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Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I parked in a disabled space yesterday and a traffic warden shouted
to me, "Oi, what's your disability mate?"
I said, "Tourettes you c#@nt, now f#ck off!!!"
Paul
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Invasion
by BJ Cassady
The morning was perfect. I had known the invaders were coming
for some time. They were thirty-five thousand strong, among those
where five thousand horsemen. We were but one thousand horsemen.
They had destroyed all the towns and armies they had met because
they were so strong.
I looked up and down the line of our men on horseback. I was
proud
of them. Our steeds were bred to be the best in the land, our men
the
best fighters known. My plans would decide if our county would
exist
after today. The enemy was marching in three fronts, the left flank
had
five thousand of their better infantry, their right flank had their
mounted
warriors, the center the remaining infantry twenty-five thousand.
We lined up on a ridge, one thousand of us in a straight line on
our
white horses wearing our silver raiments. Our weapons were swords,
bows, and lances. I had made the battleground interesting for the
enemy. Each column was separated by several miles from the other
which was good for us. I had our elderly, women and children make
like a main force so their main force would make for them. Our goal
was to take out their horsemen.
Between the horsemen and the infantry, our workers had worked
hard and dug had huge ditch and covered it well. They had filled it
with
oil. The same on the other side. All we could do is hope they
would
ride down the path we led them to. We had a band of men, about
fifty
in all, egging them on. Also, in front of them, the workers had dug
a
large pit with stakes in the bottom, this to was covered and masked
well. So when they entered this killing area, there would be only
one
way out, the rear.
In our long history of living in the plains, our countrymen have
never
fled, never retreated, we have always attacked. So this army that
outnumbers us by thirty thousand has to be arrogant and I will use
their arrogance against them.
Ah, they approach. I stand up in my stirrups and pump my right
fist
three times. The signal to raise the black flags! The black flags
mean
take no prisoners, show no mercy, kill all!
They ride closer, our fifty men, ride close to the front trap
swing right,
then left, set fire to both sides and ride away.
I pump my fist once in the air...this means Charge!!!
From a thousand horses, a thousand lances were lowered and we
charged. The enemy charges towards us... but rides into the pit.
A hundred then two hundred horses and men die a horrible death.
More are pushed into the pit by sheer force of the horses behind
them.
The fires are spreading on either side of the enemy, the horses are
going crazy. We ride around the fire and start our attack from the
rear, it is a slaughter. Though we are outnumbered, they have lost
the advantage, they have no heart for battle. An hour later we
ride
away with fifty of our brave men lost, but with five thousand of the
enemy dead.
The main force, the twenty-five thousand could hear the battle being
engaged but could do little as they marched upon what they thought
was our main force. Little did they realize the ground they marched
upon was soaked with oil.
Our riders took a few minutes to drink, place their lances away and
draw their bows as we approached the twenty-five thousand. We
would ride around in a great circle and unleash our arrows of fire
and
hope to hit the grass. Alas, wave after wave of arrows were
released
and finally a wall of fire engulfed the infantry. Screams of the
dying
filled the air as we rode away to meet the last of the enemy.
The other flank of five thousand were harden warriors, yet they were
infantry. I had my remaining force, about nine hundred line
up...lances
out and with the sun at our back and the light reflecting upon the
steel
of the tips of the lances, we charged. The sound of nine hundred
horses makes the ground shake. The dust we kicked up make it not
unlike a storm behind us. The sight was imposing. There was a
chill
in the air, and the nostrils on the horses were like steam coming
out
of hot water. I am certain some of the enemy went mad at the
sight.
The enemy had formed a defensive line to meet us. We rode closer
and closer to their line as we rode closer we yelled our battle cry.
I could see their line start to falter, waver, then it broke before
we
arrived. We were there, we jumped over their lines and started the
killing.
I am certain these were brave and excellent warriors. However,
facing
a mounted attack by excellent mounted warriors is another matter.
Our battle flag was red, which meant we took prisoners, we showed
mercy. Several thousand threw down their weapons. Most of these
men were mercenaries and not loyal to their chief.
The mercenaries I hired to join us as we are a wealthy county,
the loyalists, we killed. The remainder of our force, about eight
hundred rode over to the enemies main force, where their chief
was. The fire took a terrible toll. I estimated perhaps ten
thousand
dead or dying of their force. They were marching back to where
they came from, they have had enough.
I pondered this. Did I have enough?
So with the three thousand mercenaries(
we rode behind and attacked the enemy force now numbering about
fifteen thousand. They had no mood for fighting, and many were
throwing their weapons away and begging for peace. We rode through
the enemy like a hot knife through butter. I had to end this else
they
may come back some day. It was their chief I wanted, their leader.
We fought our way to the middle of their force and their he was,,
surrounded by his guard.
I am Hazan Prince of the Northern Guard. Meet me in battle. If you
kill
me, you live.
I am called Genik, Lord of All, I accept.
My sword arm is considered the best in the land, and I needed all
that
day because I almost met my match. The fight was long. He first
tried my defense then attacked with a fever unknown to me before.
I held on. I saw a slight opening when he attacked, I soon used his
weakness against him and had him bleeding from a dozen wounds.
He began to tire. I could afford to wait him out. He knew he was
losing so with a last flurry he rushed and I sidestepped and with a
swing turned and slashed, and put away my sword. He stood there
for a moment.... then his head toppled from his body. The invasion
was over.
I spent a few days visiting with the mercenaries. All I paid,
however,
some decided they wished to live in our land. The ones I liked, I
allowed to do so, the rest were escorted off our land. The cost of
defending our land was high. We buried three hundred and
twenty-five
of our bravest young warriors and sixty-four mercenaries. About
five
thousand of the enemy were allowed to leave, without weapons, the
other thirty thousand were buried in several pits and set afire.
I hear that some villages celebrate victory, we do not. We had to
bury
and praise the ones we lost. We are safe until the next time
someone wants to invade our land.
The end
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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