Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
From a year ago
All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of
ammunition as of yesterday.
A reliable source said that one of the purchasers
commented that while Russia may have invaded
Georgia, they sure ain't doin' it to Alabama.
This may sound a little ridiculous but let me recount a
conversation between Buffy ( d ) and myself (b) last
weekend.
d Did you hear what happened? The Russians attacked
Georgia with tanks.
b Yep I heard about it.
d Well what are we going to do about it.
b We told them they couldn't stay and they had to withdraw
their troops.
d Well that's still terrible we have friends in Atlanta.
b Buffy did you ever hear this song ( buffalo does something
resembling singing or a wounded animal.)
Well the Ukraine girls really knock me out
They leave the west behind
And Moscow girls make me sing and shout
And Georgia's always on my my my my my my my my my mind
d What is that
b. It's a song called Back in the USSR by the Beatles from 1969.
d. What does that have to do with what we are talking about.
b Georgia is one of the republics that made up the USSR and it is
in Europe.
d Oh you mean that they didn't attack our Georgia.
b. Better get some more red dye for your hair, the blonde is
starting
to
show again.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pick-up Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jewish Pick up Lines:
1) Do you wanna see my haftorah portion?
2) I got a trust fund for my bar mitzvah, what'd you get?
3) Do you want to spin my dreidel?
4) Your father must have been a rabbi because he stole the vowels
from the Torah and put them in your eyes.
5) What's a nice Jew like you doing eating scrapple like this?
(Note:
can only be used when the person in question is eating scrapple).
6) That's a nice looking yarmulke you're wearing, but it would look
even better lying next to my bed tomorrow morning.
7) Can I put my Torah in your ark?
8) Is that a mezuzzah in your pocket or are you just happy to see
me?
9) Can I part your red sea?
10) I've got ten commandments you can follow...
11) Going out with me is like having Chanukah all year long.
12) Want to wander through my desert?
13) I've got Ramses in my wallet that wants to put you back in
slavery.
14) Wanna go back to my place and play "Hide the Matzah?"
15) I've got six pieces of gelt and a grogger in my pocket.
16) Nice talis, want to f**k?
17) Why don't you slide your matzoh balls o'er here next to my
gefilte fish.
18) Why should we recline tonight instead of on all other nights?
Cause I'm holy, baby. Real holy.
19) Some guys use whip cream. I'm a potato latke man myself.
20) Why is this night different than all other nights? I'll show you
why...
21) Hiding that matzah is only half the fun.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips For Those Who Can't Wait
Dr Seuss and beer
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woodpeckers
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seasick
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olympic Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE TOP 14 SIGNS YOU'VE BECOME OBSESSED WITH THE OLYMPICS
14 You still won't use a coaster, but now you put down your wet beer
glass five times in the rings pattern.
13 Casual Friday last week? Jeans and a Polo shirt. Casual Friday
this week? REALLY low-rise swim pants and a strategic waxing.
12 You imagine your Michael Phelps poster is hitting on your Holly
McPeak poster.
11 You've confiscated all the ball caps on your son's Little League
team and replaced them with olive wreath crowns.
10 You've been wearing your hair in a face-stretching ponytail with
little pink clip barrettes all through the gymnastics competitions
--
and the other guys on the oil rig are starting to get uncomfortable
with that.
9 On your wedding night, you gave your new bride a one-tenth point
deduction for not sticking the landing.
8 Getting into a fight down at the beer joint is nothing new for
you,
but this time the argument was about badminton.
7 You've bought and integrated so many TiVos that merely by pressing
Rewind you can actually travel back in time.
6 "Dangit, Larry -- you couldn't tell a foil from a saber if you sat
on 'em. Twenty bucks says my France kicks your skinny German butt in
team epee!"
5 You now have five interlocked rings dangling from your nipples.
4 You filled your cubicle with sand and started referring to the
department as "Beach QA."
3 These days you only hire very petite hookers, and you insist that
they wear spandex, talk like chipmunks and have chalk powder all
over
their hands.
2 You now insist everyone call you "The Fredpedo."
1 You begin singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" if you finish peeing
before the guy at the next urinal.
-- Copyright 2004, 2008 by Chris White. Please do not forward,
publish, broadcast or use in any manner without
crediting "TopFive.com" - it's the right thing to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And will there be anything else, Ma'am?" the bellboy asked after
setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the lady replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed silk pajamas on the
chair by the bed. "Anything for your husband?" he asked.
"Nah," the lady said. "I'll pick up a postcard for him in the
morning."
The guy walked into the bar (ouch) looking like he'd been run over
by
a truck. His hair was matted, his face bloody and scratched, his
clothes torn. His friends bought him a beer, then asked, "What
happened?"
The guy chugged the beer and said, "I was fighting for Joanne's
virginity."
"No kidding?"
"Yeah. But that little tiger was determined to keep it."
Two gay guys s are standing on a bridge watching ships pass by
underneath them. One says to the other, "What kind of ship is that?"
"Container ship," replies the other.
"Okay, what's that one over there?"
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"
"That's a ferry boat."
"Really? I knew we were strong, but I never knew we had our own
NAVY!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
World's Ten Oldest Jokes
The Dave Historical Humour study spent two months trawling the
annals
of history to produce the first report of its kind into the world's
oldest recorded jokes. We reveal the results:
1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young
woman did not fart in her husband's lap. (1900 BC - 1600 BC Sumerian
Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)
2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of
young
women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the
pharaoh
to go catch a fish. (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on
the Westcar Papryus)
3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the
other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner
of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be
eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his
cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused
because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In
their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf
which ate the wagon's load.
Problem: Who owns the calf?!
(1200 BC)
4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20
years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce
you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered
him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?"
(Egyptian circa 1100 BC)
5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When
Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops
shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help.
(Homer.
The Odyssey 800 BC)
6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at
noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a
baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age. (Appears in
Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)
7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is
what restrains him. (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC - 30 BC)
8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd
who
bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he
asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No
your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the
Emporer Augustus 63 BC - 29 AD)
9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer
him
any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great
loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." (Dated to the
Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)
10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king
replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-
Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th
Century AD)
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little JohnnyChips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny is playing on the street when he spots a package of
Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognizes
the possibilities and approaches his daddy "Dad, I just found these,
and I'm willing to sell them to you for 100 Dollars straight."
"Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical
health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask
Grandpa."
So Little Johnny walks over and asks his grandfather "Gramps, I will
sell you this package of Viagra for 100 Dollars."
"Oh, thanks Little Johnny, but are you sure these will work?" asked
his grandpa.
"Gee, I don't know. But they do look like the ones that were shown
on TV!" replied Little Johnny.
"Tell you what, Little Johnny, I'll try them tonight and if they
work
OK, I'll give you the money tomorrow."
The next morning, Little Johnny visits his grandfather again, and
Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Little Johnny is
perplexed, "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on 100 Dollars!"
"That's OK Little Johnny, keep it, the rest is from Grandma!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fence Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two
large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips,
and every once in a while a $10 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there
are $10 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go
back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all
that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is
right next to the soccer stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of drunk fans come and pee through the fence into my
flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge
clippers..."
"Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say,
'$10 or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck!"
"Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know, not everybody pays."
Harveythefrogprince
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
~~~~~~~~~~~~
If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
e-mail to LynnLynns-links-
*+*+*+*+*+*+
Subscribers and Friends
Melva/Slide Show ~ Redwoods
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"A Starry Night"
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John w/ Lonely Teardrops
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Marlene/Held by His Love/New Gospel Music Page
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Surfin Surfari
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Create a Biography Page Online
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Paid & Free applications for the BlackBerry
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Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
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Movie Clips
Never Smash WD-40 can
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New product Nut
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New Shoes
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New Car Alarm
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New Drug
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Bad Weld
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Bambi
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Baxter Black So Lucky To be An American
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Bending Trial
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Bobcat
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
RCMP Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern
British Columbia , an RCMP constable on patrol came across a
motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet,
stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburetor'
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"Can't."
"OK, . . .I will."
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of
thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded
......"
Harveythefrogprince
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
blind les
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blind my ass
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blind nurses
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blind painter
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blind man 2
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blow job matic
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young woman named Jeannie
Who sobbed to her date, "You're a meanie".
You claim you're a stud
But, oh, what a dud!
Your prick is a real teeny-weeny.
____________
So well stacked was the new coed named brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
Was not tom, dick ,or harry, but, glenda
____________
All animals know what they're after
Good health and long lives and loud laughter
Our relatives simian
(Both males and wimian)
Let their joy ring from giraffter
Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~
In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone
service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black
book
in which her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a page of the names in it and
told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to
get their reports.
When it became the turn of Detective Ralph to tell what he had
found,
he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself.
One of the ladies on whom I called is a sixty-eight-
She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in
love
with her."
"Damnation, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book."
Stan Kegel
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonus Chip
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two elderly spinsters sitting in church, one of them complaining
about the length of the minister's sermon. "Its taking so long that
my butt is falling asleep" she said. "I know" said the second
spinster.... "I could hear it snoring once in awhile" !!!
and.........
Cop says to hooker, 'you can't sell sex in this town" !! " I'm not
selling sex", the hooker says, " I'm selling condoms, with free
pussy samples " !!!
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about
learning how to dance in the rain." ! ! !
Mike Walters
~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1675
More of Katie's Ideas
BJ: Next...
Katie: Okay this cannot miss. How about Super Glue post it notes.
That way you will not lose your notes.
BJ: The idea of post it notes is they are portable.
Katie: Okay, next.
BJ: Right.
Katie: I have this Driver's manual for the sight imparied it is in
Braille.
BJ: You are getting closer, however, I would recommend the sight
impared not drive.
Katie: Next?
BJ: Right.
Katie: Okay, how about a Mesh Umbrella for those hot steamy nights
when it rains.
BJ: For the people who like a little rain for their discomfort?
Katie: Exactly. Well, it would keep them partially dry.
To be continued
The herd in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
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