Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
It is not very often you can watch a baseball game and your
team wins 3-0 and still be totally upset with the outcome of the
game but that was exactly the case when Detroit played
Cleveland last night.
Armando Galarraga, Detroit's starting pitcher who had just been
recalled from AAA Toledo was having a great night last night
and was looking at the first perfect game in Tiger's history and
the 20th in the history of baseball. 26 players had failed to get
on
base and the crowd was going nuts but no one was saying a
word, almost as if they were afraid that mentioning a perfect
game would jinx the whole thing. The 27th batter hit a groundball
in between first and second base and the first baseman Cabrera
stopped it and threw it to the pitcher who was covering first base.
You could see Galarraga catch the ball, his foot touch the bag, and
a split second later the runner's foot hit the bag. The crowd
screamed,
I screamed, and the umpire said, " Safe."
Galarraga was stunned, but he just smiled and went back to the
mound and finished the game with the next batter. The first base
umpire, seeing a replay after the game admitted he had made
the wrong call, and had cost the pitcher his perfect game but it
was too late to change the call. There are a lot of disappointed
fans out there and I am one of them but Galarraga was a true
gentleman in the face of disappointment and said that he will
pitch another perfect game and I believe him, I just hope he is
still a Tiger when he does it but any club would give an arm and
leg to have him.
Enjoy the chips... buffalo
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Gay Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An employee of USAir by the name of James Gay boarded a US Air
flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone
else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay
moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the US
Air employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat,
you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full
and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the
original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there,
"Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I
am!"
The flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off
the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, (and was
rather amused) jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake
I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too!
They can't throw us all off!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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name misspelled
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Trivia Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy
oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your
genitals.
A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
According to a US market research firm, the most popular American
bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.
In the Aztec culture avocados were considered so sexually powerful,
virgins were restricted from contact with them.
Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century,
confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade
of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular
flavor of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.
"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or
having an erect penis.
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Psycho Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental
health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm
f*cking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand.
You can divide people into two groups: the part severed above the
waist, and the part severed below.
I just bought myself a pair of mood underwear. When I'm ecstatic,
they glow pink. When I'm terrified, a brown strip appears down the
middle.
My girlfriend loves to do it doggy style. I'd probably like it,
too, if it weren't for that part where she humps the mailman.
My pet goldfish was sick, so I decided to take him to the vet -- but
unfortunately, he died on the way there. Maybe I didn't put enough
air holes in the box.
I came up with a great cardio routine that's action-packed, always
different and never gets boring. I call it "Kick a Stranger."
The other day, I tried some Kentucky jelly. It didn't taste very
good, but it sure does make the peanut butter go down real easy.
It just isn't fair. I never had any juvenile impulses at all until
after I was old enough to be tried as an adult.
I can sum up the next BIG thing in four words: Silly String Cat
Food. Oh yeah, baby, I would give up my Nintendo for a piece of
that!
Sure, they talk a big game about how their hiring practices don't
discriminate based on sexual orientation -- but you should have seen
how quickly my flower shop job interview ended when I let slip I was
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Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true -- unless,
of course, you're saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."
With the advances in cosmetic surgery and dentistry, if a man finds
that beautiful blonde with gorgeous teeth and a perfect figure, he
should postpone all thoughts of marriage until he's considered the
investment he'll have to make in his brown-haired, flat-chested,
hawk-nosed, snaggletoothed daughters.
I cried because I had no shoes, then I met a man whom life had given
lemons.
Last night I had a dream that I was on the $100,000 Pyramid and
Betty White was my partner. In the final round, she said, "Cheese
grater ...
potato peeler... food processor..." and all I could think to answer
was "Things I wish I hadn't put so close to my genitalia."
Finally!! Someone invented a digital level and Home Depot has them
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Short Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the traditional ocean-liner interview, the reporter said to the
glamorous movie queen, "I understand you were courted by many
European noblemen during your four weeks abroad." "That's right,
honey," she replied, hiking her skirt still higher and smiling into
the flashing cameras. "I managed to make every second count."
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."
The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other
side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs. Green," he announced, "You
are definitely pregnant again." "This will be the fifteenth, doc,"
said Mrs. Green grimly. "You'll have to help me. Enough is
enough. I want one of those hearing aids!" "A hearing aid?" frowned
the doctor.
"Surely you mean a contraceptive device?" "I mean a hearing aid,
doctor. You see it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband
comes in drunk. When he gets into bed he says, "Now then-are we
going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say, 'What?"
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1849 Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1849 a miner comes into a new town after being in the field
for a month. He's carrying a sack of gold. The first thing he
does is head to the local saloon.
As he approaches the bar he flips the sack of gold on the bar and
says, "Hey barkeep give everybody in the place a drink, I'm going
upstairs to take a shower. Send up a steak dinner and the
prettiest girl in town. Take out a few bucks for your troubles."
The bartender hollers out, "Sorry mac there aren't any women in
town. All we got is an old Chinaman."
The gold miner without missing a step up the stairs, answers,
"Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next day the miner is off back to the fields and doesn't
return for 6 weeks. When he returns he has a sack of gold about
twice the size as the original one.
Again he heads for the saloon and says, "Hey barkeep give
everybody whatever they want to drink & eat for the rest of the
night. I'm going up to my room & take a shower. Send up some
food and a couple of the best women in town. Take out some gold
for your troubles."
The bartender again bellows out, "Sorry partner we still have no
women in town. The stagecoach that was bringing them in had
problems. All we got is that old Chinaman."
This time the miner stops about halfway up the stairs, pauses a
few seconds & says, "Never mind I don't go for that kinda shit."
The next morning the miner is once again headed to the gold
fields. This time he's gone for another month & when he returns
he has 2 sacks of gold both larger than the previous one.
First stop has him back at the saloon. He enters, throws one of
the bags on the bar & says, "Hey barkeep drinks are on me till
that bag is gone, keep some for yourself. I'm going upstairs to
take a shower. Send me up the best steak in the house and three
of the prettiest women in town because I'm horny as hell."
Again the bartender says, "Sorry mac the women never did get
here. The only thing we got is the old Chinaman."
This time the miner spends at least a minute on the stairs
thinking about how horny he is and finally says,
"OK, send the old Chinaman up."
The bartender replies, "That will be $600.00 in advance."
The miner turns around in disbelief and screams, "WHAT!? $600.00
for a old Chinaman?"
The bartender replies, "No Sir, the $600.00 is for the three guys
that are going to hold the Chinaman down. He don't go for that
kinda shit either."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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LynnLynn's Links
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If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank
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Subscribers and Friends
Melva/I Stand
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Carol w/Virginal Vision
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'GOLDEN GIRLS' STAR RUE MCCLANAHAN DIES
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Egg Sculpture Art
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Surfin Surfari
submarine training manual ( after WW II ) via Wesley
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Amazing Houses from Around the World Via Dianne
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World War II European Theater of Operations Via Peggy
http://www.stolly.org.uk/ETO/
The Army Remembers D-Day
http://www.army.mil/d-day/
Battle Of Normandy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Normandy
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Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv)
Print a Paper CD Case
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CD Cover Library
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Calculating Mileage Between Cities
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Animal World
Doggie Zone
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Kitty Korner
Oregon Aqaurium
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Movie Links
Honest Stopper
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Never Point An RPG at A Marine
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Racism On A Plane
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Self Smart
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NYPD Training Video
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Happy New Year
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Hard Day
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Helicopter
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Hilarious Prank
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Hombres
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Torture Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a
small
house.
Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a
long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for
the
night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so
much
as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three
worst
Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down
the
stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes
off
him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored
her
and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no
longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was
careful to
keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to
his
room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a
large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1:
Large
rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's
the
best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He
picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the
boulder
out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese
Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down
and
saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a
few
broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window
after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on
the
ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to
bedpost."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Toon Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fourth Of July Rockette
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Frankly
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Free At Last
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Limerick Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Courting Disaster
Into court one sad day they do haul
A burlesque queen who's really a doll.
When she asks, "What's the charge?"
She finds out, by and large,
She's arrested for no gauze at all.
The judge in the case is quite kind.
He says, "Just this once, I'm inclined
To decree you go free,
If you'll promise to me,
From now on, you'll have no acts to grind."
The words of the judge do enthrall
The stripper, who then starts to bawl.
She sighs with relief
Amid disbelief.
She's grateful for such a clothes call.
The next case in front of his Honor:
A stripper, appears she's a goner.
"Indecent exposure"
The charge; her composure
Is calm; can't pin anything on her.
(By Kirk Miller)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Parting Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and
proceeds
to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to
the
cat. Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"
The
teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try." Meanwhile
all
during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising
his
hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!" The next student the
teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin,
Miss?"
The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else
want to try?" Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little
Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached
by?"
Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd
say, it would have to be bolted on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've had laryngitis, tonsillitis, hepatitis, meningitis,
appendicitis, tendonitis,
and colitis. I've also suffered from gastritis, bronchitis,
gingivitis, bursitis,
and arthritis.
I've been held up, held down, hung up, strung up, stood-up,
bulldozed,
bloody-nosed, blackjacked, hijacked, squeezed, frisked, and mooched.
Stuck with excess profits tax, personal property tax, utility tax,
inheritance
tax, sales tax, school tax, gasoline tax, income tax, excise tax,
surtax,
liberty bonds, savings bonds, a couple of bail bonds, and the bonds
of
matrimony.
I've helped the Red Cross, the White Cross, and often been
double-crossed.
Helped the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and a few Talent Scouts. Helped
children's hospitals, mental hospitals, VA hospitals, spoke out for
civil
rights, women's rights, animal rights, men's relief, and stomach
relief.
I have worked for a dog, and worked like a dog, and still lost all I
had.
I've been set aside, pushed aside, hit broadside, and had to sit
outside.
Demoted and misquoted. Walked on, jumped on, dumped on, rained on,
snowed on, stomped on, spit on, cut on, and ratted on.
I've been put off, ran off, and ripped off. Intimidated,
interrogated,
berated, separated, and violated. I've been cussed, and discussed,
boycotted, stunned, shunned, and shocked. Criticized, despised,
ostracized, victimized, brutalized, capsized, analyzed, and
ill-advised.
Slapped, trapped, and wire-tapped. I've been used, abused, bruised,
refused, confused, but never excused. Talked about, lied about,
lied to, bawled out, chewed out, kicked out, knocked out, but never
bailed out.
I've been assailed, derailed, and blackmailed. Scammed, slammed,
burned, stung, stoned, robbed, cheated, booed, sued, misconstrued,
and almost drowned.
And the only reason I'm sticking around is...???
I just want to see what's gonna happen next!
BJ in Guthrie
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
Regarding any problems unsubscribing this mailing list
In accordance with the 2004 Can-Spam act you can contact me at:
William Brabant
711 Pine Street Apt.1
Sault Ste Marie Michigan 49783
To unsubscribe send a blank e-mail to Buffalos-adult-jokes-unsubscribe@egroups.com
Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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