Adult Adult
Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
name is Buffalo and I have the watch.
Short Navy Story from the archives There are three ways of doing any
job , the right way, the wrong way, and the Navy way. The only
difference between the last two is the Navy way is accepted and you
won't get in trouble for doing it that way. case in point painting
the bilges. A bilge is a holding area for leakage in engineering
spaces. Imagine a room the size of your house with all kinds of
machinery that is cooled by oil and salt water. Take all of the
floors out and put in grates and all the leaks drip into your
basement where you have several different ways of pumping them out.
Add all kinds of little pedestals for machinery to sit on called
foundations and miles of piping and valves and you have a bilge.
Navy likes the bilges painted terra cotta red because the Navy
paints everything that doesn't move and salt water makes steel rust.
The right way to do this is to completely clean the bilge, sandblast
loose paint and rust, prime with a suitable primer, and apply a
finish coat. This takes months to do and involves shipyards and
dry-docks.
The Navy way is a few days before an inspection, you clean the
bilges. Take a 5 gallon pail of AFFF which is the stuff they foam
down runways with and fight oil fires, and dump it in the bilges.
take three or four fire hoses and stir it up good till it looks you
put a whole box of Tide in mom's washer and then pump it overboard
while you agitate and rinse with the fire hoses. Your bilge is now
clean except for nuts, bolts, wrenches, hammers, and Zippo lighters
that people have dropped. Now you fill the bilges back up with salt
water again to just below the gratings and empty about 150 gallons
of oil based terra cotta paint into the water and start to slowly
pump the water out until the bilge is dry and the paint coats
everything on the way down. Keep your bilges dry for the next 8
hours and everything is pretty for the inspection. Of course half
of it will blister and peel in the next few months but then we can
do it all over again the next times we get visitors.
The wrong way is the same as above if the chief bosun or your
inspectors catch you which is fairly easy as the first step for
preparation involves cleaning and you have a whole toolbox worth of
tools embedded in paint at the bottom of the bilge.
The first chief I worked for onboard ship was tired of spending a
1000 dollars a quarter for new tools and had went to serv-mart and
bought all new tools just prior to the ship getting underway for
Westpac.
He initiated a new check out procedure and assigned a man to the
tool cage to hand out and check-in tools each workday. First day of
the program someone lost a 1/2 in drive ratchet working in the
bilges and the chief was upset. He told the man not to come out of
the bilges till he found the ratchet. The chief had a couple of
rubber mallets and every time the man stuck his head up above the
deck plates he would throw one at him. The ratchet hadn't been
misplaced though, it had been stolen and eventually the thief
started feeling sorry for the guy in the bilges and returned the
ratchet without revealing himself.
They had very few problems with lost tools after that.
Enjoy the chips.... buffalo
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
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and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she
was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one
Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck,
gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came
to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit
her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
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'What do you mean?' asked his wife.
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some Vaseline and two fingers I think I got most of them back in.'
Harveythefrogprince
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Texas Chips
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A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After
strolling around the downtown area for a while, he happened to look
up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like
he was ready to jump off.
Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started
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"She divorced me," said the man.
"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.
"They ran away," said the man.
"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.
"They are dead," said the man.
"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.
"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.
"Jump, you Yankee Sumbitch!" replied the Texan.
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Iron Chips
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Alas, it is an original joke I was out walking when I ran into an
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forty pounds and was in pretty good shape.
I has to ask him how he did this: 'Doug how did you get in such
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If I wake up in the middle of the night, I pump Iron.
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We walked to the parking lot our cars were parked next to each
other.
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quit. She was stunning and about twenty years Doug's junior.
I asked: Doug who is your lady friend?
Doug: Oh, it is nothing, I have to leave.
The lady got out of the car and spoke: Oh Doug, are you not going to
introduce me to your friend. Hello, my name is Janice Iron.
BJ in Guthrie
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Random Chips
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The young Swedish-American couple, having the same last names, went
to the marriage license bureau. The clerk began to fill out the
license form. "Your name?" he asked the prospective bride-groom.
"Ole Yonson."
"And your name?" the clerk asked the bride-to-be. "Hilda Yonson."
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Mine Shaft: What a German calls his dick.
A middle class gentleman decided one week before Halloween to have a
party on Halloween night. The theme of the party was that you must
have a costume that represents an emotion. The word spread quickly,
and since anybody was welcome, it was sure to be a big party. On
the night of the party, the house was filled with people, a brown
costume for the shitty mood, a multicolored costume for premenstrual
syndrome, and many others both interesting as well as funny. The
man continuously received knocks on the door, and always let the
person in, regardless of their taste in costume. Once again, a
knock rapped on his door, and he opened it. A beautiful woman
stepped in, wearing a red dress with ruffled sleeves. "You look
beautiful tonight miss, what is your emotion?," the man asked. "I'm
red with anger.," said the woman. The man smiled and let her in to
join the others in the party.
Five minutes later another knock on the door came, and he opened it,
to have another beautiful woman in a green dress step in. "What are
you supposed to be, my pretty?," the man asked. "I'm green,...
green with envy.," said the woman. "Quite clever!" said the man.
He stepped aside to allow her to enter. Two minutes later, another
tapping on the door came. He opened it, and In front of him stood a
6'6", naked, smelly, hairy man. On the end of his erected penis
stood a pear. "I hears you got yourself a party.," said the
stranger. "That is correct,...," said the man, trying to keep his
cool. "What are you supposed to be?" "The naked stranger looked
down on the man and, in a booming voice, replied, "I'm fucking
despair!"
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Nurse Chips
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
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Twinkie Tees
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Dictionary of New Words Via Wesley
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Short Chips
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"Gentlemen of the Jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning to
warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall
this beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest
years in a dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to
her cozy little apartment at 4134 Seaside Street-there to spend her
lonely, loveless hours in her boudoir, lying beside her little
iPhone, 858-962-7873?"
Rustic Ron stared at the bellhop in disbelief. "A hundred twenty
five dollars for a girl? That's ridiculous! Why, in Tennessee I can
get a girl to clean my house, wash my clothes, cook my meals, and
sleep with me all night for four pork chops a day." "Then what,"
said the bellhop, "are you doing in Chicago?" "Buying pork chops in
bulk."
One evening, after conducting a real hell-fire-and-brimstone revival
meeting, the visiting evangelist decided to take a walk, and
happened to wander into a nearby red-light district. On a corner, he
saw a streetwalker leaning against a lamppost. The evangelist
stopped and, in a powerful voice, he intoned, "Woman, I prayed for
you last night." "Well, you could've had me if you'd just come
around," she purred. "I was standing right here all night long."
A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl.
Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her
breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem
remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He
stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly.
With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes," The
fellow shrugged and handed her a dollar.
Mary: "I've known this really nice man for a while now. I'm thinking
of spending the weekend with him." Jill: "Mary, you know it's a sin
to engage in premarital sex." Mary: "Yeah, but it's not premarital
sex if you have no intention of getting married
Stan Kegel
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Limerick Chips
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"I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May,
"And this Handel and Bach that we play."
So she put down her fiddle,
And diddled her middle;
"It's time for Depussy I say."
There was a young nudist from Denver
Who had an unusual member;
It was stiff as Jello
When the weather was mellow.
But a popsicle every December!
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Parting Chips
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What is A woman
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he
never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to
his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as
though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to
be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible...
No, wait... I'm thinking of alcohol.
Virginia
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Katie's Komfort Kolumn - Written By BJ Cassady
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Katie's Komfort Kolumn
Vol 1816
Tarnation
Rudy: Pops where is Toots?
BJ: She is in our new home.
Rudy: I do not understand.
BJ: She is making our new home ready for us to live in.
Rudy: So why isn't she here? This is her home.
BJ: Okay this is difficult to understand. This is a period of
transition.
Rudy: What is a transition is it automatic or standard?
BJ: More basic, I must be more basic... Rudy sit on the couch.
Rudy gets on the couch.
BJ: Rudy get on the recliner.
Rudy gets on the recliner.
BJ: Okay lets pretend the couch is our home here and the recliner
is our new home. For a while we have two homes, but we can only be
at one place at a time. We are in a period of moving from one place
to another.
Rudy: Why?
To be continued
The herd in wherever
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adult Adult Adult
Remember 9/11/01
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Compilation and narrative copyright 2002 by william Brabant
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